Do I have really low self esteem?

[wargrrl]

or just lower than average?

 

(sorry for the long post... thanks in advance for reading/helping )

 

i'm female, 20 years old, and ive always been introverted... meaning i dont mind spending time alone and that i can easily become tired or drained when im in a large social setting. i know being introverted is not necessarily synonymous to being shy, but when i was younger i was definitely shy and had a hard time speaking up for myself, especially because my family did not teach me to express anger healthily and ive only noticed recently that i can be passive aggressive (trying to work on it).

 

in high school i didn't make any lasting friendships and was a bit of an outcast. i didn't fit into any group, i also didnt feel like i could relate to anyone esp because i was dealing with a lot of family issues at home at the time. the only friends i truly had and still have are friends i made in elementary school.

 

after high school i found myself becoming more comfortable with myself and grew a lot out of shyness. ive been working since i graduated and being in customer service has improved my people skills a lot. i feel like ive come a long way in the past couple years, and overcame a lot of stuff. but i feel like im not totally secure or where i want to be. i cant say i am totally happy with myself but i dont hate myself. here are insecurities i need help overcoming:

• even though i am in a good relationship with my boyfriend, it seems as if i still need validation from other men. when i meet guys like at work for example, even though im not interested in them, in the back of my head, im wondering if he is attracted to me or if he'd date me. i'll even get jealous if there's a more outgoing girl at work that guys seem to have an easier time talking to, even though i shouldnt be especially when these are people i dont have much in common with.
  
• i sort of have self image issues. i had really bad crooked teeth in high school and i only got braces after i graduated. even though they are all straight now, ive been so accustomed to not smiling fully or showing my teeth. even with straight teeth im insecure about showing my braces. i dont even know how to smile naturally with my teeth showing
  
• i feel a little awkward when im approaching people to ask a question or something. be it strangers or coworkers. in situations like these, i feel like i never know how to like posture myself or like what to do with my hands lol. and i think this awkwardness stems from how short i am (5'0")... i kind of get insecure about people literally looking down on me like a child i guess.
  
• even though i'm okay with being quieter than most, or not having much to say around people i dont click with, somehow in the back of my head i'm insecure about it and telling myself that im being awkward when i know im not. i honestly dont think i need to be more talkative or be more social than i want to, and yet sometimes i feel like a weirdo for being introverted because it seems like there are more extroverted people around. i feel like a lot of extroverted people dont really understand introverts and thats why im insecure about how they perceive me
  
• making friends isnt a top priority for me, but sometimes i cant help but wonder why i havent made a single new friend since elementary besides my boyfriend and his friends. there are a lot of people i can think of that ive met at work who i got along with really well. to be honest, sometimes im actually intimidated that some of them have social lives or more friends than i do, so i dont bother intiating a friendship (asking to hangout or whatever). i think this comes from the fear of being judged for my lack of social life in comparison to theirs
  
• ^ i keep comparing myself to people, as much as i tell myself not to
  
• i dont know what i want to do in life. im not really crazy about school, never have been... im not ruling school out but i dont see it being a path for me. i get insecure about not having **** figured out like lots of people around me
  

i want to work on all of these things but i dont know where to start. i feel like loving and accepting myself a little more is common sense but it's not that easy...

Edited October 17, 2013 by wargrrl

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, it does seem that you suffer from low self esteem. Self esteem is exactly what it says, it comes from yourself.

 

You need to first answer the question... what are you unhappy with about yourself?

 

Once you've figured that out you'll need to make a plan to change those issues and put that plan into action. Doing that will not only correct your issues, but raise your self esteem in the process as you are correcting these issues for yourself, not for anyone else.

[Outsider77]

I am introverted, have low self-esteem, and have still not found a solution for it. I can make myself be outgoing and friendly but it feels forced.

 

I have the same problem you do with making friends.

 

I used to really worry about other people staring at me and thinking about me, but then I realized it was mostly in my head. People usually have better things to do than notice every little thing that you do.

 

I think if you got to see a therapist, he/she could probably help you work on some of these things.

[wargrrl]

Yes, it does seem that you suffer from low self esteem. Self esteem is exactly what it says, it comes from yourself.

 

You need to first answer the question... what are you unhappy with about yourself?

 

Once you've figured that out you'll need to make a plan to change those issues and put that plan into action. Doing that will not only correct your issues, but raise your self esteem in the process as you are correcting these issues for yourself, not for anyone else.

 

what would you suggest when it comes to having a better self image and not being so concerned about my looks.. and validation?

 

and how do i stop myself from feeling bad about myself for being an introvert and not being a people person, or not feeling like i can relate to many?

[Philosoraptor]

what would you suggest when it comes to having a better self image and not being so concerned about my looks.. and validation?

 

and how do i stop myself from feeling bad about myself for being an introvert and not being a people person, or not feeling like i can relate to many?

You seem to be very concerned about external validation. That's the only issue you need to worry about. You need to be happy with who you are and the choices that you make so you can both truly enjoy your life and be a honest partner for your boyfriend.

[livdee]

I too have low self esteem, but it mainly manifests itself in my need for validation from men. As soon as a man shows interest in me, even just friendliness, but insecurity takes over and I seem to latch on, craving his attention. I know that sounds crazy and it is, but it is the truth. I may not even be truly attracted to him, it is the attention I crave. Therapy would tell me that this dates back to my childhood relationship with my father.

 

What I have been unable to do, like you, is get past this. People mention to be happy with yourself, not need the validation. That is very hard to do. I am with you , wargrrl. Guess we just need to keep working on it.

[wargrrl]

I too have low self esteem, but it mainly manifests itself in my need for validation from men. As soon as a man shows interest in me, even just friendliness, but insecurity takes over and I seem to latch on, craving his attention. I know that sounds crazy and it is, but it is the truth. I may not even be truly attracted to him, it is the attention I crave. Therapy would tell me that this dates back to my childhood relationship with my father.

 

What I have been unable to do, like you, is get past this. People mention to be happy with yourself, not need the validation. That is very hard to do. I am with you , wargrrl. Guess we just need to keep working on it.

 

yeah that is pretty much me... craving attention from certain men, even though i'm rarely attracted to other men. i don't flirt or anything, or lead men on, ultimately i'm just concerned about whether they find me attractive or not and it's so stupid especially because as i mentioned before, im not attracted to them nor do i care much about them-- just their validation. i guess deep down i have this need to be the most attractive. and when i feel like i'm not, deep down, i feel a little loserish. i dont make much of this obvious or i try not to but inside, there's a sense of incompetence when i feel like i'm not attractive. to be really honest i feel like people in society who are beautiful have it easier at succeeding, even though i know it's not always true. i wish i could just get myself past this stuff, it's all in my head it seems