The W found out

[What Will Be]

Hi all! Newbie here! Not sure if that's a good thing, but I'm thinking I'm in good company regardless reading some of the posts.

 

Many of you have probably gone through something similar.

 

My MM came by my house last night for a slice of pie to take to work (YES, just pie). W apparently was up the street casing my house. She confronted him and all hell is breaking loose now (of course).

 

What should I expect? What do I do?

 

Thanks for any input!

[TigerCub]

So his wife must have had suspicions from before if she was out 'casing' your house?

 

Did they have the confrontation in front of you - like,then & there?

 

If so, what did he say to her about you?

[BetrayedH]

My suggestion...

 

Be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

[veryhappy]

That's some twist...pie eater.

 

Expect to be thrown under the bus. Thoroughly and vehemently.

[What Will Be]

TigerCub, yes, she had already found out. He smoothed it over, told him he would cut all ties. But was still stopping by my house, my local hangout and calling me from his work (she smashed his phone a week ago after seeing a text from me - she was SUPPOSED to be at work! For some reason "You are the stars to me" does not go over well with Ws).

 

No, I didn't hear it. He was pulling through a parking lot nearby when she came flying up along side him. All I heard was "I knew you were going to see her!". I went inside. My kids had the car, so she doesn't know I was home or I'm sure she would have confronted me.

 

My MM called me as soon as he got to work. I talked to him multiple times last night about the situation. Said he told her he was confused. Told me though he does not want me out of his life, it is not my fault and we'll get through this.

[underwater2010]

She was supposed to be at work? So you guys got caught because his BW broke her routine? And not just that but she knows where you live? Not good at all.

 

What do you hope for the future?

[TigerCub]

TigerCub, yes, she had already found out. He smoothed it over, told him he would cut all ties. But was still stopping by my house, my local hangout and calling me from his work (she smashed his phone a week ago after seeing a text from me - she was SUPPOSED to be at work! For some reason "You are the stars to me" does not go over well with Ws).

 

No, I didn't hear it. He was pulling through a parking lot nearby when she came flying up along side him. All I heard was "I knew you were going to see her!". I went inside. My kids had the car, so she doesn't know I was home or I'm sure she would have confronted me.

 

My MM called me as soon as he got to work. I talked to him multiple times last night about the situation. Said he told her he was confused. Told me though he does not want me out of his life, it is not my fault and we'll get through this.

 

Thanks for answering the questions.

More info is helpful

 

How do you feel about the part in bold?

Why is he just not coming out and telling her he loves you and wants to be with you when he has the chance (when she knows about the affair, when she knows you exist)?

 

What is his reason for staying with her?

 

How long has the A been going on?

 

Are you satisfied with just having him part time?

 

As for what you should expect - I think what he did is pretty much it - he didn't use this as an opportunity to leave - and so he's likely to stay and try to keep you on the side and the wife MAY harass you since she knows where you live.

 

She may not, and I hope she doesn't, but I guess that's it.

 

I've never been in your shoes totally, so I don't really know what will happen.

[veryhappy]

If she already knew, expect more of the same. He'll play both sides and won't make a decision unless he's forced to. .

 

Were you hoping for more than OW status?

[What Will Be]

TigerCub, apparently (from what I've been told) one of his son's knows about me. He told his son he loves me, this was prior to the W finding out. His son replied that he saw it coming. His friends know about me, he's told his friends he loves me (I'm friends with some of his friends - met him through them). His friends know what went down last night as well. He called them. If I make him happy, they support his decision.

 

He told me earlier this week we needed to sit down and talk. He was going to talk to his son's about renting a place together as he believed moving in with me would complicate his D - I agree. He wanted to discuss finances with me as it pertains to him and a D as well. And when it's over getting a place together. Not light hearted discussions... then again, maybe par for the course coming from a MM?

 

Why he didn't come completely clean with the W I don't know! Then again, I didn't ask specifically if he told her he loves me. He did say she kept asking why he didn't love her anymore and that he didn't respond.

 

She may harass me. She does seem vindictive. She smashed his Harley up last night.

[What Will Be]

If she already knew, expect more of the same. He'll play both sides and won't make a decision unless he's forced to. .

 

Were you hoping for more than OW status?

 

As for the pie... I cook for him a lot!

[threelaurels]

How old are his kids?

 

What do you mean by "discuss finances"? Does he want you to hide assets for him or something?

 

How long has the A been?

 

She may harass me. She does seem vindictive. She smashed his Harley up last night.

 

You can only make a legal case for harrassment if you have sent her a clear message telling her to never contact you again and she continues to do so. Send her a NC letter by certified mail, that way someone will be able to confirm that she recieved the letter and there is no disputing the content of the letter. Make sure to save a copy. If she still continues to communicate with you, then it's harrassment and you can involve the justice system.

 

Oh, no, she sounds volatale! She should NOT be stalking ("casing") you, and she's trespassing. Consult with your friend on how to proceed. She's his problem. Your neighbors do not deserve to be witnesses to drama.

 

If she was up the street in a parking lot, it's not tresspassing. Even though she was waiting near OP's house, it sounds more like she was stalking him and not OP. Regardless, all she would have to do to legally have OP or her husband followed all day is hire a PI. She's just using the cheaper route and doing it herself.

 

She will also become OP's problem if her lawyer has OP subpoenaed to testify in the divorce case, which happens quite often when D is filed on grounds of adultery. Her name and the A will be a matter of public record that may show up on very thorough background checks.

[TigerCub]

That's against the law.

 

Yeah and that always stops people!

If she's already staking out her house - is it really so far fetched that she could harass her...(even more)?

[TigerCub]

TigerCub, apparently (from what I've been told) one of his son's knows about me. He told his son he loves me, this was prior to the W finding out. His son replied that he saw it coming. His friends know about me, he's told his friends he loves me (I'm friends with some of his friends - met him through them). His friends know what went down last night as well. He called them. If I make him happy, they support his decision.

 

He told me earlier this week we needed to sit down and talk. He was going to talk to his son's about renting a place together as he believed moving in with me would complicate his D - I agree. He wanted to discuss finances with me as it pertains to him and a D as well. And when it's over getting a place together. Not light hearted discussions... then again, maybe par for the course coming from a MM?

 

Why he didn't come completely clean with the W I don't know! Then again, I didn't ask specifically if he told her he loves me. He did say she kept asking why he didn't love her anymore and that he didn't respond.

 

She may harass me. She does seem vindictive. She smashed his Harley up last night.

 

I think it's sad how these situations hurt both sides.

If he is telling his son about you - then it seems obvious that you're not a secret, but at the same time, it seems really disrespectful to his wife (I know that the affair in general is disrespectful to her - but this seems extra cruel).

 

Anyways, if at least his kids are ok with the possibility of him getting a D and moving on with you - at least that's one big hurdle out of the way.

 

Good luck!

[Owl]

Oh, no, she sounds volatale! She should NOT be stalking ("casing") you, and she's trespassing. Consult with your friend on how to proceed. She's his problem. Your neighbors do not deserve to be witnesses to drama.

 

You crack me up!

 

Perhaps she was stalking HIM? She might not have been casing the OP's place, but following her H.

 

If she remained in the street, she wasn't trespassing. As far as the neighbors go...they're not going to be ticked at the W, they're going to be upset with the OP as their neighbor who shouldn't have brought this all out into their area.

[Owl]

OP...I suggest you tell him that this is when he demonstrates who he wants in his life, what kind of man he is, and where his heart truly lies.

 

Tell him to make a decision, and that his actions must match his decision. He gets the chance to be honest with everyone here, and make the changes in his life that he wants to make...or not...at this point.

 

Spell it out for him like that...and see where he goes.

[What Will Be]

threelaurels, his kids are adults w/ the exception of their 12 yo. His other 3 are from a prior marriage. His 22yo lives with them with a baby herself.

 

As for discussing finances, I'm assuming to just talk about what impact it will have and run things by me. If we are to be together he wants me in the know. I never thought he'd want me to hide any assets

 

As to the A, we've only been together a few months, we see each other almost every day even if it's him coming by just for a kiss before work or when he get's off. Just seeing me makes his day and vice versa

 

If she does start to harass me I will take the steps necessary to protect myself.

[goodyblue]

threelaurels, his kids are adults w/ the exception of their 12 yo. His other 3 are from a prior marriage. His 22yo lives with them with a baby herself.

 

As for discussing finances, I'm assuming to just talk about what impact it will have and run things by me. If we are to be together he wants me in the know. I never thought he'd want me to hide any assets

 

As to the A, we've only been together a few months, we see each other almost every day even if it's him coming by just for a kiss before work or when he get's off. Just seeing me makes his day and vice versa

 

If she does start to harass me I will take the steps necessary to protect myself.

 

My guy and I discussed all of our finances too, both prior to his leaving and now. We had to plan where we would live, if we could afford two rents etc. We won't be able to buy a home for a year or so and I needed a place to stay with my family. He also has an apartment which he rents. We had to make sure we could swing it. Besides that, we tell one another everything anyway, why would we not talk about finances? Our discussion of finances certainly didn't have anything to do with him hiding assets, and that's a pretty big leap to make even to suggest it.

[JamesM]

The ball is in his court now. You simply have to wait for him to make his decision. If I read here correctly, then you shouldn't be surprised if he does go back to her...and then back to you undercover.

 

But he may be different.

 

Question.....this is his second marriage. How long has he been married to his current wife? What happened to his last marriage and wife? (Yes, you should know if you plant to spend your life with him). Are you married? Have you been married?

 

How old are the two of you?

 

Why did he begin an affair with you?

 

How would you feel if you were his wife? And please don't get mad, but how do you know you are special enough that he will not cheat on you? What does he plan on for a future with you?

 

I think this kind of info makes a difference on the answers that should be given.

[JamesM]

I beg to differ. The w is the drama starter, causing a public scene. The OP is entitled to entertain whichever guests she chooses. The w is guilty of disturbing the peace. And she sounds very disturbed.

 

Despite my understanding of why affairs happen, I can only imagine the pain and confusion and anger and frustration the wife is enduring. She is not a drama starter. She is a woman who has been betrayed. What is she supposed to do? sit in the rocker and wave at him as he drives off to his other woman's house?

 

I am certain that the MM has a good reason for why he believes he chose the affair, and I don't think the OP is at fault, but still...the wife planned on a future with this MM too. They do have a child together. I think most of us would be a "drama starter" under the same circumstances.

 

It would be disturbing to say the least.

 

I think it is important to understand all parties in this situation if we are to resolve it amicably.

[ladydesigner]

The ball is in his court now. You simply have to wait for him to make his decision. If I read here correctly, then you shouldn't be surprised if he does go back to her...and then back to you undercover.

 

But he may be different.

 

Question.....this is his second marriage. How long has he been married to his current wife? What happened to his last marriage and wife? (Yes, you should know if you plant to spend your life with him). Are you married? Have you been married?

 

How old are the two of you?

 

Why did he begin an affair with you?

 

How would you feel if you were his wife? And please don't get mad, but how do you know you are special enough that he will not cheat on you? What does he plan on for a future with you?

 

I think this kind of info makes a difference on the answers that should be given.

 

I was thinking this same thing. I would be concerned about this pattern.

[whichwayisup]

I beg to differ. The w is the drama starter, causing a public scene. The OP is entitled to entertain whichever guests she chooses. The w is guilty of disturbing the peace. And she sounds very disturbed.

 

 

Yes you know this BS so well, personally to come up with that conclusion.

 

I love how some assume they 'know' 100%.

[JamesM]

I can justify violence or crossing of boundaries under no circumstances whatsoever.

 

I am not sure I can either, but just as I can understand why a man might cheat on his wife, I can understand why a woman would lose it when she finds out that he broke a commitment he made to her.

 

Crazy what people do when they have been totally humiliated, lied to, and betrayed by the one person who promised to respect and lift them up, promised to be truthful, and promised to be faithful.

 

No, I don't judge him, but I certainly won't judge her.

 

Let's see....she smashed his phone and damaged his Harley. She waited to catch him in a lie...and did again.

 

HE smashed her heart repeatedly. He betrayed her trust repeatedly. And he is now confused over his love for her.

 

Who did the greater damage?

 

 

Others will allow no circumstance to cause them to lose their dignity.

 

A man who breaks a promise to the woman he loves and then cannot commit to a new woman he loves.....somehow that doesn't sound too dignified.

 

He may have had his reasons, and I don't know them and cannot judge. But I think it is obvious that damaging a replaceable phone and motorcycle is somehow temporary compared to the breaking of a marriage. She certainly has a right to lose some dignity, too.

 

I think it's important for the cheater to handle his situation, and for the other woman to handle her situation (which is him).

 

This I agree with to a degree.

 

I think he needs to decide what his future will be and with whom. Neither woman can decide fro him, and hence cannot really handle the situation.

 

Just MO.

[What Will Be]

I think it's sad how these situations hurt both sides.

If he is telling his son about you - then it seems obvious that you're not a secret, but at the same time, it seems really disrespectful to his wife (I know that the affair in general is disrespectful to her - but this seems extra cruel).

 

Anyways, if at least his kids are ok with the possibility of him getting a D and moving on with you - at least that's one big hurdle out of the way.

 

Good luck!

 

His rational was to clear it with at least his sons first so that they didn't find out through other means (of course, he probably had been thinking all along he would end up getting a place with them, so it makes sense they knew first). He was also going to go talk to other family members of his as well and his daughters last. He wanted to do this all before he told his W to minimize backlash when it all came out.

 

So, no, I was not a secret to some and not going to be for long to others. Now, I'm probably not to ANYONE!

 

The 22 yo at home is not taking it well - after all, she learned through W while on her rampage (which is what he was trying to avoid). I had a rather simple, but lovely *cough* msg from her on FB.

 

Clearly we have a change of plans!

[goodyblue]

Of course not. But lying in wait, destroying property, confronting and causing a scene in the street is all I need to know about that person. More than enough.

 

I can see why the BS would be upset but I, like you, can't understand violence. That is something that would give me pause. I'd not put up with that for one moment. She hasn't been violent to the OW... yet. I'd be on guard and watching my back. I went through a divorce and I never once followed my ex, checked up on him or did any such thing. So yes, I'd sit in my rocker and let him go. What good would it do to chase him? Does she really think she can stop him if he is determined? Sounds like a bomb waiting to go off to me.

[ladydesigner]

I can see why the BS would be upset but I, like you, can't understand violence. That is something that would give me pause. I'd not put up with that for one moment. She hasn't been violent to the OW... yet. I'd be on guard and watching my back. I went through a divorce and I never once followed my ex, checked up on him or did any such thing. So yes, I'd sit in my rocker and let him go. What good would it do to chase him? Does she really think she can stop him if he is determined? Sounds like a bomb waiting to go off to me.

 

 

She probably is. The anger I have experienced from my WH's infidelity was something I never expected to be so extreme. I am embarrassed by it and know it is wrong. Having said that, I have been in therapy and am on medications to stabilize my moods so that I can better react in a traumatic situation. Infidelity is compared to death, in the level of emotional grief felt by the betrayed. Many of us suffer with ptsd after an event like this. I did not ask for any of this yet I get to live with all of these mental health problems now. I know I will overcome, I have in the past.

 

This BS sounds upset because she thought she was in reconciliation. Her WH made her believe that and yet here she has caught him again. Now the best thing for her to do is kick his ass out, but sometimes a person can drive you mad with all the gaslighting and bullsh*t that spews their mouths. It can push SOME people over the edge.