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The W found out


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The ball is in his court now. You simply have to wait for him to make his decision. If I read here correctly, then you shouldn't be surprised if he does go back to her...and then back to you undercover.

 

But he may be different.

 

Question.....this is his second marriage. How long has he been married to his current wife? What happened to his last marriage and wife? (Yes, you should know if you plant to spend your life with him). Are you married? Have you been married?

 

Current 15yrs. From my understanding his first ended after she ended up hooked on drugs. In and out of rehab. State gave him custody of the kids. He told me he married current W as she was willing to take care of the kids. My understanding is that he recently told her this and that he wasn't attracted to her - she was inquiring about why he didn't say he loved her anymore.

 

I've been married 2x. Not currently. Nor am I otherwise involved with anyone other than my MM.

 

How old are the two of you? Why did he begin an affair with you?

 

Old enough to know better. I'm in my 40s he 50s. Started a few months ago. As friends, then developed into an emotional affair, we just sort of fell into each other. It really did happen like that, no thought, just locked eyes and kissed all she wrote - neither of us planned on being in this position. I told him that night I didn't want to be the OW *smh* The chemistry was just too much, we started seeing each other daily. We did not actually cross "the line" until a couple of weeks back though - I never planned on having sex with him, but developed feelings as did he and we took it to the next level. I'm just as culpable as he, maybe even more so to allow it to get to that point.

 

How would you feel if you were his wife? And please don't get mad, but how do you know you are special enough that he will not cheat on you? What does he plan on for a future with you?

 

I've been the BS. Unlike her though, I cry and walk away. Has a much greater impact than hitting your H, grabbing him by the shirt, shaking him, screaming at him, humiliating him in a public location and then going and destroying property.

 

We can't predict the future. I've expressed my concerns along the lines of him stepping out on me. All he can do is reassure me. We have open lines of communication, so I would hope we would not run into that issue. He thinks I'd be more likely to step out on him because of my age and his perceptions of my attractiveness.

 

Future? Only that he plans to grow old with me. Of course, that was early this morning, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

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I'm not getting why the BW is being labeled as violent. Unless I'm missing something, she has not physically hurt anyone.

 

The fact that she followed her husband means that she does not trust him, and she was right. None of this would be happening if the MM would have the guts to be truthfully with either of these women. But, to blame the BW for doing what she needed to do to get the truth on her own seems strange.

 

Tell me Nunya, if you felt that someone (specifically your husband if you are married) was lying to you, would you just sit there and do nothing about it?

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AlwaysGrowing

Multiply marriages on both sides, infidelity, drugs, blended families, already concerns of cheating on each other, dragging children into the relationship(to pick sides I will presume)....sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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I've been the BS. Unlike her though, I cry and walk away. Has a much greater impact than hitting your H, grabbing him by the shirt, shaking him, screaming at him, humiliating him in a public location and then going and destroying property.

.

 

Previously you said:

 

No, I didn't hear it. He was pulling through a parking lot nearby when she came flying up along side him. All I heard was "I knew you were going to see her!". I went inside. My kids had the car, so she doesn't know I was home or I'm sure she would have confronted me.

 

So, how do you know all this happened? Maybe I missed something. Please clarify. Thank you

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herenow, all I heard was the 10 min of screaming (I continued to listen through my window, but couldn't make it out) - the hitting and grabbing is typical MO. His friends have attested to the way she treats him, they have seen it. So, I do not doubt it. But, no, I was not a witness to the physical and am going on his word.

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I beg to differ. The w is the drama starter, causing a public scene. The OP is entitled to entertain whichever guests she chooses. The w is guilty of disturbing the peace. And she sounds very disturbed.

 

Insulting her isn't going to change her situation...or yours.

 

The wife did what she did, regardless as to whether or not you as an internet bystander reading her story third-hand feels about that.

 

Your feelings on that won't change her situation, nor the OP's.

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herenow, all I heard was the 10 min of screaming (I continued to listen through my window, but couldn't make it out) - the hitting and grabbing is typical MO. His friends have attested to the way she treats him, they have seen it. So, I do not doubt it. But, no, I was not a witness to the physical and am going on his word.

 

In your opinion, why is it that she hits and grabs him? Does she do it for no reason?

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In your opinion, why is it that she hits and grabs him? Does she do it for no reason?

 

TBH, I don't know all the details. He really doesn't like to share that aspect of the R. I don't blame him. From what I have been told though when she gets mad that is how she reacts. One example is if he stays out too late with the guys.

 

He's kept on a very tight leash and is very limited in what he can and cannot do, when he can/cannot do it, who he can hang out with and how long he can spend with them. He needs permission for everything. This info did not come from him. He actually started asking ME for permission to go out ("ummm, if that's what you want to do").

 

Last night resulted in him leaving 10 minutes early for work! 10 minutes!!

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The report read:

 

"Focus seems to have drifted from OP's situation into off-topic bickering."

 

So I'll close it up and take a look at the content.

 

OK, it appears things have drifted far afield of 'what should I expect?' so, if continuing, focus in on the specifics shared by the thread starter and provide topical advice for their situation and refrain from arguing and cross-talk amongst or with other members. Thanks!

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I can justify violence or crossing of boundaries under no circumstances whatsoever.

 

 

 

Others will allow no circumstance to cause them to lose their dignity.

 

 

 

I think it's important for the cheater to handle his situation, and for the other woman to handle her situation (which is him).

 

 

Dignity? If WH & OW were dignified, then the wife would know the truth about her life.

 

Being cheated on, lied to, told the A has ended and it hasn't- those are traumas. You can't predict how someone will react.

 

MM is handling his problems in an unhealthy way- he's having an affair. People don't always react to traumas by stopping and asking themselves "am I handling this in a healthy way?". People react. You can't predict or control how.

 

How can OW enable MM's dysfunction, and then turn around & expect BW to be all level headed and rational?

 

It should not be a surprise to OW that BW will be upset. Of course there might be "a scene"- you are dating a MM. You can't touch a hot stove & expect not to get burned. OW should always consider what could happen when making the choice to have an affair. OW have been fired, sued, kicked out of church, even murdered (watch ID) over affairs.

 

OP, the BW is this upset and emotional for a reason. She is heartbroken. And to twist the knife further he's talking to the kids about this behind her back. He wants to get his side in first- so manipulative & sneaky. And he actually married a person for the sole reason of taking care of his kids? He robbed a woman of 15 years of her life to be his babysitter? Are you sure you want a guy with this character?

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Dignity? If WH & OW were dignified, then the wife would know the truth about her life.

 

Being cheated on, lied to, told the A has ended and it hasn't- those are traumas. You can't predict how someone will react.

 

MM is handling his problems in an unhealthy way- he's having an affair. People don't always react to traumas by stopping and asking themselves "am I handling this in a healthy way?". People react. You can't predict or control how.

 

How can OW enable MM's dysfunction, and then turn around & expect BW to be all level headed and rational?

 

It should not be a surprise to OW that BW will be upset. Of course there might be "a scene"- you are dating a MM. You can't touch a hot stove & expect not to get burned. OW should always consider what could happen when making the choice to have an affair. OW have been fired, sued, kicked out of church, even murdered (watch ID) over affairs.

 

OP, the BW is this upset and emotional for a reason. She is heartbroken. And to twist the knife further he's talking to the kids about this behind her back. He wants to get his side in first- so manipulative & sneaky. And he actually married a person for the sole reason of taking care of his kids? He robbed a woman of 15 years of her life to be his babysitter? Are you sure you want a guy with this character?

 

T/j

Thanks for this post! I have felt so ashamed of my anger and my therapist has said most of it is normal except for the truly abusive episodes. I had no idea I would react the way that I would. I have always had anger issues towards those who wrong me, but his A just pushed me off my rocker.

end t/j

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TBH, I don't know all the details. He really doesn't like to share that aspect of the R. I don't blame him. From what I have been told though when she gets mad that is how she reacts. One example is if he stays out too late with the guys.

 

He's kept on a very tight leash and is very limited in what he can and cannot do, when he can/cannot do it, who he can hang out with and how long he can spend with them. He needs permission for everything. This info did not come from him. He actually started asking ME for permission to go out ("ummm, if that's what you want to do").

 

Last night resulted in him leaving 10 minutes early for work! 10 minutes!!

 

The fact he was able to hang out with the guys too late AND have an affair makes me wonder what he would be up to if leash was loose.

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What will be.

 

Have you thought of how things may come into play the next few days?

 

.. MM tells his BW he's leaving her ( I do believe Relationships that start out as an A can survive, just a little tougher in the beginning).

 

.. He tries to take the A further underground. You said she'd already found out about you. So he's not leaving her but also doesn't want to leave you. How will you handle that? He may say the perfect things to get you to believe he can't leave "just yet". This happened to me. I fell for every line he told me. I wanted to believe him. 2nd d-day, there was no going further underground. He threw me under the bus (something I never imagined he'd do) and started his false R with her.

 

... He throws you under the bus when things are tougher at home. Breaks your heart in a way you never thought he could or would

 

These are just a couple possibilities. Thd 1st (as an xOW I knew I wanted after the A came out) could happen. But have you thought about the other 2? You need to. What would you do? How would you handle either if those?

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Probably because the other woman has no expectation toward the one being cheated on whatsoever. That is not who she became involved with. And she doesn't perceive the cheating man's behavior as "dysfunctional", either. He's doing what he must in order to spend time with her. That's all.

 

 

 

Don't get caught. That's what's up.

 

 

 

That is disgusting.

 

By having an affair, she's enabling MM to not make a choice. If he wants to spend time with another woman, he should get divorced or tell his wife he wants an open marriage. The lies, sneaking, false R- that is dysfunction. The saying "you're only as sick as your secrets" comes to mind. He is not living an authentic life.

 

If "Don't get caught" is the only thing OW considers about her choice to be in an affair, I would say that this not a smart way to live your life. I think the care & consideration that we put into our choices is a reflection of feelings of self worth. And our maturity. No introspection or reflection? Just telling him don't get caught? That's giving your power away!

 

Yes, bad things can happen to OW. Not far from me, years ago a man killed his pregnant OW in an attempt to keep his wife from finding out about the affair (fortunately, he got caught). There have been OW posting here that have lost jobs or had issues at church & their kids schools. Had naked pics sent to bosses & parents. OW's kids have had to deal with comments at school & on facebook. Affairs are risky. Especially if you are involved with someone at work, or if you are a mom, live in a small town, etc. I'm not saying any of that is right or justified, just that an OW should consider this. A d-day is raw emotion, and to expect it to be handled healthy, fairly or rationally is not realistic.

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She's going to have to work with him, and meet him where he's at.

 

 

 

Not everyone is waiting around for a man to leave a situation that is obviously leaving him wanting more.

 

 

 

Do elaborate...

 

 

why would she have to work with him, meet him where he's at??? either he's leaving or not, not every OW is wanting to just be a side piece. obviously neither does OP, as they've discussed finances, living arrangements and such.

 

it sounds like OP is wanting more

 

3 d-days, 2 with his BW, 1 with my BSO, my story started on here over a year ago.

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She's going to have to work with him, and meet him where he's at.

 

 

 

...

 

 

Wow.

I can't imagine having a relationship that's always going to be based on secrecy, and to know that you are constantly walking a tightrope, lest the w finds out and you fall (or are pushed by mm )off.

 

It's really sad. Why do that to yourself? Yes, you may love him,but is that enough of a reason to stay and die a little inside each time you know he's going home to his wife?

Of course, it may bring comfort to think that he is going back to sleep on the couch, to be unhappy, to think only of you.

 

Sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are the worst lies of all.

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Probably because the other woman has no expectation toward the one being cheated on whatsoever. That is not who she became involved with. And she doesn't perceive the cheating man's behavior as "dysfunctional", either. He's doing what he must in order to spend time with her. That's all.

 

I disagree. For someone that stated they grew up in a house where people did not raise their voices, I am surprised your parents never taught you the golden rule. As humans, we are expected to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. It's called being a decent person.

 

@What Will Be, is this your MM's first A?

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Was he always on a "short leash" or was this more recent? Do you think she had him on a short leash due to trust issues? Could he have done this kind of thing before?

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Hi all! Newbie here! Not sure if that's a good thing, but I'm thinking I'm in good company regardless reading some of the posts.

 

Many of you have probably gone through something similar.

 

My MM came by my house last night for a slice of pie to take to work (YES, just pie). W apparently was up the street casing my house. She confronted him and all hell is breaking loose now (of course).

 

What should I expect? What do I do?

 

Thanks for any input!

 

For starters, find a man that isn't married. Second. Put yourself in the wife's shoes. Would you like it if your husband was at his girlfriends house knocking out a piece of pie? The guys wife has every reason to be mad and honestly your lucky because with the anger the wife is showing, you could be in line for a good old fashioned butt kicking. She might go to jail for it but you just might be the one whose in worse shape.

 

If he wants to be with you, and both of you are grown adults, you should tell him to get a divorce and when he comes to see you he should have the paper work in hand to show you that it's over. His wife might be a royal pain in the buns but it still her husband. Your playing with fire and no doubt you'll get burnt and have no one to blame but yourself.

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Thanks everyone for your input so far.

 

He is having a rough go it seems.

 

She hasn't kicked him out... they're talking. She took yesterday and today off as (he put it) she's whacked out over it.

 

If he decides to stay, we're done is what he told me as it would not be fair to me (yes, I'm the one who is front and center apparently). Told her if he leaves he's leaving for good. She told him that if he leaves he can't have anything to do with me. WOW, really? I sorta went off on that, went off on all the controlling issues. He's 53 yo! Yeah she's his W, that doesn't give her the right to control his every move. ESPECIALLY if he leaves!!

 

I have been trying to remain neutral. I'm sure many of you know how hard that is. When I went off about the control issues I apologized. Wasn't my place. He said I had every right and he wants to hear it, that someone needs to tell him.

 

I went on to say that I didn't want to be some deciding factor in his decision. I DON'T! I want him to make that decision, not based on something I say or do. It has to be him, for him! Not me, not for me.

 

He didn't want to continue the conversation over the phone. He didn't like the distance btwn us and I was to save my words. I told him that if I'm with him that may sway his decision, he said that's what he wants.

 

For those who want me to give an ultimatum. Not my place! My selfishness has no place in this!

 

And, no, I'm not just a side piece! Sex has not been the driving factor in our R. This has been much more of an emotional A. I tried to keep it that way, somehow I believed that was better (no, it's not - in no way easier either). I made him wait, I made him wait until he had feelings and didn't want to let me go...

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There is NEVER reason to put your hands on another adult violently. So yes, she does it for NO reason if she does it because unless she is defending her life, she needs to learn to keep her hands to herself.

 

You and I agree often in the area of why affairs occur and being understanding of all parties. We have endured name calling over it. :)

 

This time I want to point something out that we may differ on.

 

I agree. It is never a good thing to put your hands on another adult violently, but I think I could give examples (such as someone beating my child) where we could easily see that a reason for violence is understandable. And I think that in this case, just as some affairs are understandable, so this wife's reaction is understandable. While i don't read about alot of violence, still we can see why she would react this way.

 

The OW can expect that a wife will "whack out" over the affair. It is not unreasonable. Many would do the same...maybe in just different way.

 

Not to mention - who wants to be in a relationship that is monogamous only because you keep someone on a "short leash"? That might be the most pathetic thing I've ever read on here, really, for someone to say, "oh, see, good thing she kept a short leash on him, wonder what he would have done if she hadn't?". Does anyone else think that this is terribly sad?

 

Definitely sad, but again, why? Why is he on a short leash? Did she have a cheating husband in the past or is it him?

 

Again, What Will Be....

 

Your name is a good one....what will be will be.

 

All you can do is wait. You seem to have the right attitude though.

 

As was said, where do you want to go with this? Will you drop him if he goes back to his wife? Will you continue to be the OW if he does go back to his wife and then a few weeks later tries to start a secret affair with you?

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I read back over what I wrote, and think about what he said.

 

He wants me to write him another letter... I do better in thought when writing. The last one he keeps with him, has read over and over he tells me. It wasn't mushy, it was rational thought, my thoughts on us, love, him and a goodbye at the time (he was ending it with me - that lasted a day and NO, it wasn't sex, we haven't gone there since before the W found out the first time).

 

I can't help but think, given the things he's said to me such as he wants to see me to sway his decision, wants me to tell him what is wrong in his R and wants me to be selfish (he says I have a right to be - sometimes I think he gives me more rights than W) that he somehow wants me to save him, for lack of a better term.

 

Does he need me to convince him to leave? Give him a reason? An absolute? I told him it was his decision what he should do and what's best for him. I can't make that decision for him, I told him that outright!

 

I think I'll write a letter on my desire for his happiness. YES, Nunya has it right. Some of us just want them happy! That is first and foremost for me, his happiness and his well being!!

 

Side note: His wife convinced him a few months back to start taking anti-depressants because he was so "depressed". He didn't need meds, he needed me! Ok, I'll check my ego! Maybe he just needs out...

 

I'll be there right beside him if he decides to leave! Hand in hand! I told him there is nothing that we can't overcome as long as we take it on together. I have no doubt we can make this work. Yes, I know the odds. I realize we have some obstacles to overcome as well. MAJOR!

 

This is hard! Harder than I ever imagined. Then again, I never imagined I'd be the OW, never imagined a BS in the mix and certainly never imagined I'd be the OW with a MM who was contemplating leaving his W to be with me!

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@JamesM, as for the short leash, it's my understanding that she's always been controlling. By the same token, I'm guessing he's always been submissive to her given some of his interactions with me (like asking me for permission to go out - had I said no, he would have been by my side as W had already given permission for him to go "out" - he ended up texting me all night though, the guys harassed him about it too :)).

 

Most of what I know about his R I've picked up from others and my own interpretation of his behaviors. As I said before, he doesn't talk much about it. I'm not with a MM trashing his W or claiming how bad things are (like so many do), I'm with a MM who is clearly (as I see it) unhappy, feels trapped, is not respected and is seeking a safe haven. I just happen to be the beacon...

 

If he stays with W, he said we'd be done as it would only be fair to me, he does not want to see me hurt anymore. Similarly, as hard as it would be, I'd have to walk away out of respect for him. Complicating things, we travel in some of the same circles.

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Side note: His wife convinced him a few months back to start taking anti-depressants because he was so "depressed". He didn't need meds, he needed me! Ok, I'll check my ego! Maybe he just needs out...

It was/is the situation and stress of it all that has caused his depression. Even if he leaves his wife for you and you end up with him, that depression will still be there...It isn't going away until HE deals with it head on.

I'll be there right beside him if he decides to leave! Hand in hand! I told him there is nothing that we can't overcome as long as we take it on together. I have no doubt we can make this work. Yes, I know the odds. I realize we have some obstacles to overcome as well. MAJOR!

 

Mistake. Be there but don't hold his hand, be his therapist throughout this. You'll get sucked into the ending of his marriage, automatically without knowing you'll be involved. If you truly 'want him' for yourself, then allow him the space to figure out it. Suggest he go talk to a counselor. Suggest he and his wife go to marriage counseling to make sure they are 'done' or he is 'done' with his marriage. You have to remember what you two have shared has been IN an affair setting, not out in the open real life where everybody knows and you two share a lot together. It has to be more than just emotions and feeling good, having fun times and talking. The glue that holds you and him together will be tested soon enough though. Question is, which glue is stronger and which does he want? HE seems confused and not sure.

 

This is hard! Harder than I ever imagined. Then again, I never imagined I'd be the OW, never imagined a BS in the mix and certainly never imagined I'd be the OW with a MM who was contemplating leaving his W to be with me!

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@JamesM, you mentioned my chosen name... exactly my sentiments: what will be will be.

 

I do think fate and destiny play a role in our lives (my MM and I meeting), by the same token we also take steps to drive destiny (my letter writing). In the end, none of it really matters. We cannot control others, only ourselves and destiny will sort the rest out. We still live by our own free will and choose paths which change and shape our destiny. The results of those choices are what will be...

 

At the end of the day (today most likely) I'll have an answer as to what path lies ahead and how fate will play out and where my destiny lies... with or without him. Both present their own considerations and potential challenges!

 

They say that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 

If he stays w/ W, I will hold fast to the idea that the reason I came into his life was to make him and his R stronger. For me, it would be to see how true love should be.

 

They go on to say, once you figure out which it is, you'll know what to do...

 

If he leaves her, I know what to do and what direction to take.

 

Either way, I'll count my blessings and cherish him always.

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