The W found out

[yellowmaverick]

My selfishness has no place in this!

 

 

 

:laugh:

[AlwaysGrowing]

So much to respond to.

 

From the outside, it looks like you have a person who is quite happy (until they aren't) letting others make decisions for him. Actually, puts the responsibility on other person (including you). Then holds the other party responsible for his unhappiness or displeasure. P/A and/or CA are two areas I would look into.

 

Then there is the need that you have to rescue. To actually believe that if he does stay married, that you CONTRIBUTED positively in their life...is untrue. Whatever positive outcome of the marriage (if indeed they stay married) is theirs to own...not you. You might want to look into White Knight Syndrome..it can apply to either gender.

[ladydesigner]

Quote:

Originally Posted by What Will Be

YES, Nunya has it right. Some of us just want them happy! That is first and foremost for me, his happiness and his well being!!

It is the only thing that matters. Way to go. That's what love is about. [/quote

Umm this is exactly what they want. As soon as you don't love them the way they like it then it is on to the next. Good luck with that mindset. I will never again put someone else's happiness over my own and this is coming from being a fMOW and fBS. I just do not think it is that healthy.

[ladydesigner]

You're not the only one. Some of us have never witnessed one parent lash out physically at the other. I suppose it is to be considered a blessing.

 

Yes it is a blessing Nunya. You are very lucky not to have any issues of your own.

[threelaurels]

I think I'll write a letter on my desire for his happiness. YES, Nunya has it right. Some of us just want them happy! That is first and foremost for me, his happiness and his well being!!

 

Where will you draw the line between his happiness and your own? If it would make him happiest to remain married to her but still keep you on as his OW, will you agree to that? If it would make him the happiest to have you be his W's sister wife, would you agree to that?

 

Who is concerned about your happiness in this situation?

[What Will Be]

Thanks guys! You all give me a lot to think about and reflect on.

 

@AlwaysGrowing, funny you should say that about rescuing. I was typing up some thoughts for him and wrote "You're supposed to rescue me and here I am wanting to save you."

 

@Nunya, I know in the end it is his decision, but I want him to do it for him, not for me. Does that make sense? I know that in the end if he does leave her that I most likely did influence the decision. Then again, maybe he will take me out of the equation when deciding what's best for himself.

 

@threelaurels, yes, my own happiness get's put on the back burner often (something else I wrote in my little note to him). I'm happiest when I can lift someone up and bring them happiness.

[What Will Be]

He and his W were supposed to continue their talk today. I'll be meeting him in about a half hour. So, I suppose I will learn my fate at that point.

 

What will be will be...

[ladydesigner]

Ten characters.

 

BTW I agree with everything you just wrote.

 

but this, this resonated with me:

 

He is clearly showing her, with his actions, what kind of relationship he is willing to give her and she is trying to force him into giving her something more with a "short leash". It will never work that way.

I think I am forcing my WH to give me something more by having him on a short leash. MOW laughed at me for that too. it hurts a lot and it really makes me want to end my M. I was never a bad wife to my WH. We have had struggles together, but not bad enough to have an A. He has hurt me and lied to me in deplorable ways.

 

I never used to check anything, I would let my WH go out with his friends until 2am. I always thought I was the cool wife, his friends did too.

 

I think you are right WTHF it will never work. I need to let go and if he screws up again I need to leave. I was never this person needing to check up or keep someone on a leash. This A business will really screw a person up.

 

Thank you

[HtotheN]

Ten characters.

 

Please enlighten as to what "ten characters" means. I keep seeing that on LS

and don't have a clue what it means. Thanks.

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with that - and I had to deal with it with my exH too. Like you, I was the "cool" wife and honestly, I thought it beneath me to have to check up on him, so I just didn't. When he had the affair, and I found out (my friends found out and told me, and my girlfriend did the checking up because I refused to) I simply decided that I wasn't going to live that way. In his case, I don't think he was a serial cheater - but our relationship was damaged beyond repair by that point and I simply refused to live my life with someone that I couldn't trust.

 

I believe you that you were a good wife. I was a good wife in some ways too - especially regarding not trying to dictate where and what my exH did. He took advantage of that, but I am STILL that way. I blame him for taking advantage, not myself for not being a control freak. If you feel that your relationship is damaged beyond repair - that's a decision that you have to make, and only you can do so (or your husband). Some people really are "just cheaters". I have no idea if your husband is one of those or not - my exH wasn't, at least I don't think so. I think he felt that our relationship was just to such an unfixable point that there were no other choices besides divorce and he was terrified of divorce (even though we didn't even have children).

 

You can make your own choices - that's how divorce works. One person can decide that they want it and make it happen - the other person need not agree. It IS a big step, and scary for most people. Here is how I thought of it all those years ago with my exH - "Can I live another 50 years with this man?". My truthful answer was , "No effing way - I can't do another day let alone another year, or 50 more!". And, that was my answer. I guess he and I could have stuck it out - but I am a firm believer that we only get one shot at life (no afterlife imo) and this is it - so we need to make the best of it. Struggling through it with another person in a relationship that we had both damaged so severely just wasn't something I was willing to do. I have no idea how that would have turned out, but I didn't have the energy or the will to put all that into it at that point of damage, so, I let it go. It wasn't easy to do, it wasn't easy to move on, and he and I even half heartedly tried to reconcile here and there - both reluctant to "fail" at our marriage. But looking back now, it was the BEST thing either of us ever did - we probably should have never gotten married. But we thought we were in love (I think we were, but we were very young) and we both thought that our love would conquer the world. Here in reality, love is simply one part of what is needed to make a marriage work - and we had beaten that relationship into oblivion - it was over LONG before he had an affair. The affair just ended up being the tangible thing that I thought I needed to finally be able to say, "I give up!".

 

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have much thinking to do now. I really appreciate you taking the time out to explain your own past marital situation. It helps. My WH is unfortunately a repeat cheater I didn't want to see it as a pattern until this last A with MOW. Now it is a pattern.

[bubbaganoosh]

Doesn't it bother you that your interfering with someone else's marriage? Try getting a conscience and let it go.

[What Will Be]

*hangs head*

 

I'm still the OW.

 

UGH!

 

I told him I couldn't be happy that way.

 

Yet, I remain while he tries to sort it all out still

[What Will Be]

Doesn't it bother you that your interfering with someone else's marriage? Try getting a conscience and let it go.

 

I have one TYVM!

[whatatangledweb]

He plans to continue to lie to her and sneak to see you.This is unfair to you and his wife WWB. Why not take a break from him while he "sorts"it out ? With her temper and her pain I am afraid that sooner or later she will show up at your doorstep if he continues. She won't stop following him.

[threelaurels]

*hangs head*

 

I'm still the OW.

 

UGH!

 

I told him I couldn't be happy that way.

 

Yet, I remain while he tries to sort it all out still

 

What does "sort it all out" mean? The door is wide open for him to leave right now. There will probably never be a better chance than now. Why isn't he leaving? How long will you wait for him?

 

Why are you prioritizing his wants over your own, when it is clear he is only acting with himself in mind?

[What Will Be]

First he's all about me, in public mind you. (never shy with PDA, even close to home).

 

Then he breaks it to me. We wouldn't be able to see each other for a while.

 

I tried to be stoic, told him I was happy for him. I sorta lacked the smile which would normally accompany such a sentiment... go figure.

 

He knows I'm getting tired of the situation and it wouldn't be fair to ask me to wait. But did I think I could... NO!

 

We went for a drive.

 

Picked out the perfect house for us, talked about the future.

 

Then he tells me he needs to pack a bag and figure out where he's going to move all of his stuff.

 

Called a friend about staying on his couch if need be (I heard the convo)

 

Then says if she throws him out tonight that he'd rather come to my place.

 

I think I'm starting to lose my mind!

[What Will Be]

What does "sort it all out" mean? The door is wide open for him to leave right now. There will probably never be a better chance than now. Why isn't he leaving? How long will you wait for him?

 

Why are you prioritizing his wants over your own, when it is clear he is only acting with himself in mind?

 

You know that leaving is not always black and white!

 

And me prioritizing his wants? No, I'm prioritizing mine, foolishly so, but that isn't going to make me happy at this stage as I can't have what I want 100%.

 

There's always tomorrow...

 

*smh*

 

Yes, I am loosing my mind apparently.

[threelaurels]

You know that leaving is not always black and white!

 

No, it's not, but he wouldn't be telling you he needs to cut contact with you for a while if he wasn't trying to convince his W to give him another chance. He wants to go NC with you until things calm down then start up the A again. It sounds like he wants to stay with her and just take the A underground.

 

You need to stop listening to his words and start looking at his actions. He is telling you what you want to hear. He is "future faking" to increase the likelihood that you will wait for him and not move on to someone else. Words are cheap and they mean very little right now, especially when they are coming from the lips of a known liar.

 

It's not that he doesn't love or care for you... it's that he wants to be with both you and his wife. When forced to choose, he will choose her because leaving her is also leaving his entire life, the life he built with her, behind.

[summerdowling87]

Sadly many people are capable of snapping and committing crimes of passion. There's even. Tv shows based on people who get into affairs and a person is killed cause of the affair.

 

1. Deadly Affairs.

2. Scorned: Love Kills.

[Quiet Storm]

He's not sorting anything out. Despite him claiming he only wants your happiness, he's proven HIS happiness is his only concern.

 

He won't be leaving. No incentive.

 

 

Right. Men don't listen to what you SAY. They listen to what you DO.

 

Whining, complaining, telling them what you don't like- it doesn't mean 5hit if you aren't willing to do something about it. B!tching about it- but still tolerating it by staying with him- only shows him that you don't mean what you say. It makes him lose respect for you.

Edited October 19, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[waytogo]

WWB, even before I read where things stand now I saw red flags. You've not known mm or been involved with him that long. The initial getting to know someone of romantic interest usually is very magical.

 

It might be wise for you to breath deep, take a brisk walk or something you know helps you to clear your head. Then read this thread again even if only your posts.

 

You've gone from he's leaving and the two of you are going to discuss living arrangements and financial impacts...to if he stays with his wife...to for now he HAS to stay with his wife and not contact you...

 

Worst of all, your latest post is justifying poor mms confusion. Not insulting you dear. I just as never expected to be an ow, did, justified what the mm just HAD to do... Detaching myself from that situation was tough at the time but so worth it! This mm has no more to offer you than what his w has been getting.

 

xMM was a friend of over 10 years and A was about 2 yrs. you only have some months of attachment. There is not a huge investment that you could walk away from right now.

Edited October 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[ComingInHot]

Op wrote, " TBH, I don't know all the details."

 

I think this statement is REALLY important as you read comments from both sides WWB*.

 

Maybe add this thought to Every post you write when describing what you FEEL or think you know about MM's Wife.

 

Emotions and Opinions run rampant on a few of these forum topics & often derail the topic (I myself am both victim And participant in this ).

 

Until You feel You are in Physical danger, don't contact authorities unless you are willing to divuldge Everything You have instigated and been party to as well*

[What Will Be]

Ran into my MM by happenstance today.

 

Fate. It was meant to be he said. I asked him when he'd get that through his thick skull. The look was priceless. I told him he needs to make a decision. He knows. His W is pushing him to make up his mind too. Like me, the W is also leaving the decision up to him and not trying to force his hand one way or the other. I can imagine the pressure he's facing.

 

He told me he loves both of us and that is what he is grappling with.

 

W must be coming to terms. According to him, she asked this morning something along the lines of "if he is so confused shouldn't he not be seeing me?"... he responded that given his confusion he shouldn't be seeing either of us...

 

He wants to ask her what she thinks about an open R. He could tell I didn't like the idea, but I said that I was certain I'd be more open to the idea more so than she (after all, isn't that what the OW is already dealing with?). He wishes I could move in with THEM! So, I joked about the sister wife thing. He said he'd have to get a larger bed (rather than me sleeping in a separate room). I told him that would mean she and I would be sleeping together while he was at work. All good with him as long as there is no one else in the mix.

 

I feel like this is getting deeper.

 

Then again, could just all be talk...

[eleanorrigby]

. He wishes I could move in with THEM!

 

Mine did too! (my husband) He thought she could help me with cooking and cleaning. We both told him that he was crazy. (That was the one moment when OW and I saw eye to eye. )

 

I think it's part of a "bargaining phase" the conflicted WS's all go through. They are so desperate not to have the party end of having every single one of their needs and wants met.

Edited October 19, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[What Will Be]

Mine did too! (my husband) He thought she could help me with cooking and cleaning. We both told him that he crazy. (That was the one moment when OW and I saw eye to eye. )

 

I think it's part of a "bargaining phase" the conflicted WS's all go through. They are so desperate not to have the party end of having every single one of their needs and wants met.

 

As for you and the OW coming to see things in the same light - that ah ha moment must have had you both laughing.

 

"bargaining phase"

 

Interesting thought...