All over the place...

[Amy2013]

Hi everyone. I'm a newbie and am about 3 weeks into finding out my husband had an emotional affair (possibly physical). I guess I should start with background?

 

Married for 12 years, 3 kids, I stay at home, he travels extensively for work. We have been happy a majority of the time, but he suffers from depression. He admits he isn't an easy person to live with/get along with. We are intimate almost every day he is home and that aspect of our marriage has and continues to be amazing. He has said he has been unhappy for the past 5 years, but wants to work on us, loves me, wants us to get back to being happy. He has pointed out my faults and I have taken responsibility for them (I can sometimes get caught up with everyday grind and he feels neglected).

 

Up to now... He came home from a trip about a month ago and started acting weird. Telling me I deserve better, I should go on match.com and find someone worthy of me. Immediately my red flags popped up. I knew something was up then. But I, stupidly, brushed it off and went on with life. Then he went on another trip and we argued horribly via phone/text/IM. Should he get an apartment, do we want to fix it, etc. We semi fixed it and agreed to work on things. He came home and after kids were in bed we resumed the talking. I was scared and emotional. Then he hit me with it. He had reconnected with an old work colleague and had feelings for her. He had discussed it with her and she felt the same way (she was also having problems in her marriage, husband was sleeping on the couch, etc.). He said it didn't get physical, my spidy sense was going off, but I didn't address it at that point. The fact that he couldn't be intimate with me until he "came clean" about his feelings for her is a huge indicator. It was, of course, the week of our 12 year anniversary that this all went down. We went back and forth. He apologized, said he couldn't believe he hurt me, I deserve better, do I want him to leave, did he want to leave, etc. We ended up keeping our anniversary weekend plans and got a couple of days together without kids. It was good. We didn't discuss the situation, just enjoyed each other. We honestly had a good time. Got home and he continued with the I deserve better. Talking continued. I told him he needed to cut all communication with her (yes, I know who she is, but have never met her). Snag there is she is interviewing for a position with his company and group and if she takes it she will be traveling with him. I will get to that later.

 

He agreed to keep it professional. Told her he could only communicate professionally. According to him she agreed and wanted to work on her marriage. Whatever. Everything came to a head a couple of nights ago when I couldn't find my Ipad and went on that handy little app to find it. I thought he was in Arizona. It showed his Ipad in Chicago (yes, where she lives). I flipped. Any small amount of trust had gone out the window and I confronted him. He said he didn't see her, he was there to see his boss (who does live there), and he didn't tell me because he wanted to spare me and protect me (). Whatever. I told him that I needed full disclosure now. I want access to e-mail, text, social media, etc. He said ok. He got a little angry and wondered if he "was going to have to deal with this **** forever". Then he calmed down and apologized all over himself, admitted it was his fault and he deserved it. I pushed to know everything that happened between them physically. After pushing, very hard, he admitted to kissing and hugging. My spidy sense is still going off however.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective from someone who has been there? He's saying all the right things. Says he loves me, doesn't want to be with her, wants to fix our marriage. And he is making efforts. We have this good bubble that has started to grow. Unfortunately, the emotional affair keeps sneaking in (like when performers blow smoke into a bubble) and it's putting strain on that bubble.

 

I want to fix it. I want to trust him. I want to believe he loves me and our family. I hate that I have to fight from looking her up on social media every day. That I feel the need to track his Ipad on purpose now. That I want to know every gory detail. That I don't know what is going to happen if they work together (honestly I feel like our marriage will be over if that happens and it makes my stomach turn). She knows I know everything. I'm sure she's scared ****less that I will contact her or something (especially when I told him to inform her to block me on social media). I am just in a constant state of physically sick, crying, angry, sad, ashamed, low self esteem, guilty, etc. Ugh, just a ball of emotion going through the daily grind.

 

Sorry this is so long!! I am going to go through the posts on here. I have been reading blogs, books, etc. to work on this. I am pushing for us to go into therapy.

[Furious]

Hi everyone. I'm a newbie and am about 3 weeks into finding out my husband had an emotional affair (possibly physical). I guess I should start with background?

 

Married for 12 years, 3 kids, I stay at home, he travels extensively for work. We have been happy a majority of the time, but he suffers from depression. He admits he isn't an easy person to live with/get along with. We are intimate almost every day he is home and that aspect of our marriage has and continues to be amazing. He has said he has been unhappy for the past 5 years, but wants to work on us, loves me, wants us to get back to being happy. He has pointed out my faults and I have taken responsibility for them (I can sometimes get caught up with everyday grind and he feels neglected).

 

Up to now... He came home from a trip about a month ago and started acting weird. Telling me I deserve better, I should go on match.com and find someone worthy of me. Immediately my red flags popped up. I knew something was up then. But I, stupidly, brushed it off and went on with life. Then he went on another trip and we argued horribly via phone/text/IM. Should he get an apartment, do we want to fix it, etc. We semi fixed it and agreed to work on things. He came home and after kids were in bed we resumed the talking. I was scared and emotional. Then he hit me with it. He had reconnected with an old work colleague and had feelings for her. He had discussed it with her and she felt the same way (she was also having problems in her marriage, husband was sleeping on the couch, etc.). He said it didn't get physical, my spidy sense was going off, but I didn't address it at that point. The fact that he couldn't be intimate with me until he "came clean" about his feelings for her is a huge indicator. It was, of course, the week of our 12 year anniversary that this all went down. We went back and forth. He apologized, said he couldn't believe he hurt me, I deserve better, do I want him to leave, did he want to leave, etc. We ended up keeping our anniversary weekend plans and got a couple of days together without kids. It was good. We didn't discuss the situation, just enjoyed each other. We honestly had a good time. Got home and he continued with the I deserve better. Talking continued. I told him he needed to cut all communication with her (yes, I know who she is, but have never met her). Snag there is she is interviewing for a position with his company and group and if she takes it she will be traveling with him. I will get to that later.

 

He agreed to keep it professional. Told her he could only communicate professionally. According to him she agreed and wanted to work on her marriage. Whatever. Everything came to a head a couple of nights ago when I couldn't find my Ipad and went on that handy little app to find it. I thought he was in Arizona. It showed his Ipad in Chicago (yes, where she lives). I flipped. Any small amount of trust had gone out the window and I confronted him. He said he didn't see her, he was there to see his boss (who does live there), and he didn't tell me because he wanted to spare me and protect me (). Whatever. I told him that I needed full disclosure now. I want access to e-mail, text, social media, etc. He said ok. He got a little angry and wondered if he "was going to have to deal with this **** forever". Then he calmed down and apologized all over himself, admitted it was his fault and he deserved it. I pushed to know everything that happened between them physically. After pushing, very hard, he admitted to kissing and hugging. My spidy sense is still going off however.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective from someone who has been there? He's saying all the right things. Says he loves me, doesn't want to be with her, wants to fix our marriage. And he is making efforts. We have this good bubble that has started to grow. Unfortunately, the emotional affair keeps sneaking in (like when performers blow smoke into a bubble) and it's putting strain on that bubble.

 

I want to fix it. I want to trust him. I want to believe he loves me and our family. I hate that I have to fight from looking her up on social media every day. That I feel the need to track his Ipad on purpose now. That I want to know every gory detail. That I don't know what is going to happen if they work together (honestly I feel like our marriage will be over if that happens and it makes my stomach turn). She knows I know everything. I'm sure she's scared ****less that I will contact her or something (especially when I told him to inform her to block me on social media). I am just in a constant state of physically sick, crying, angry, sad, ashamed, low self esteem, guilty, etc. Ugh, just a ball of emotion going through the daily grind.

 

Sorry this is so long!! I am going to go through the posts on here. I have been reading blogs, books, etc. to work on this. I am pushing for us to go into therapy.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.

 

Gently, I believe you've offered your husband cheap forgiveness and doing the pick me dance. I truly believe unless you show him the door he will not wake up to reality.

 

Secure and makes copies of all the evidence you have.

 

Inform the other betrayed spouse with all the evidence to back it up. Do not inform your husband you will be doing this.

 

Contact a divorce lawyer and be informed as to your legal rights. Get your finances and ducks in order. Lean on close family members and a close friend for emotional support.

 

I truly believe you must be willing to end your marriage at the risk of saving it.

 

At this point save yourself and not the marriage.

 

I know it's easier said than done. I hope you gather all your courage and lead with your brain instead of emotion. This is the time for you to stand up for yourself.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Furious

[NotCamelot]

 

Secure and makes copies of all the evidence you have.

 

Inform the other betrayed spouse with all the evidence to back it up. Do not inform your husband you will be doing this.

 

This is most important. I would not take anyone's word for anything right now. Exposing their shenanigans to her husband will make a big difference. And, yes, she will tell your H that you did it.....so what. If he is sincere in wanting to "fix" things, it should not matter to him.

 

And, if you really want to fix things, exposing the A is the fastest way to kill it.

 

Besides, her H deserves to know.......just like you did.

 

And, in front of you, he needs to tell her that it's over between them.....forever. And then, No Contact ever again. Let him know that if she comes to work there, he needs to find another job.....or prevent her from coming to work there..... Traveling with him in the future for work.....if that happens, file for divorce, because that is where you will be headed at that point!

Edited October 17, 2013 by NotCamelot

[whatatangledweb]

I also believe he is still seeing her. He would have told you where he was going if it was with his boss. He would need to end it now or get out. Don't let him continue to do this to you. Put a keylogger on his computer and get copies of the phone bill. I would also put a GPS on his phone. If he wants to save your marriage he should be willing to let you do all these things. If not then do it without him knowing.

[BetrayedH]

They only hugged and kissed? What are they, fifteen year-olds?

 

Look, we joke around here that all of that nonsense is from the cheater's handbook. They lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

 

Does it even make sense to you that someone would risk their marriage and family for a few hugs and smooches? The reality is just the opposite; they typically have no-holds-barred sex because if you're going to take such a huge risk, there needs to be a big payoff.

 

And you just caught him in Chicago? Please.

 

Pack his bags and ask him to leave. Wish him well with his OW. File for divorce. If you see sufficient remorse, you can always pause the proceedings. If you don't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need. If you soften the blow, you simply enable him to keep lying and do yourself a horrible disservice.

[Steen719]

They only hugged and kissed? What are they, fifteen year-olds?

 

Look, we joke around here that all of that nonsense is from the cheater's handbook. They lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

 

Does it even make sense to you that someone would risk their marriage and family for a few hugs and smooches? The reality is just the opposite; they typically have no-holds-barred sex because if you're going to take such a huge risk, there needs to be a big payoff.

 

And you just caught him in Chicago? Please.

 

Pack his bags and ask him to leave. Wish him well with his OW. File for divorce. If you see sufficient remorse, you can always pause the proceedings. If you don't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need. If you soften the blow, you simply enable him to keep lying and do yourself a horrible disservice.

 

In the newness of your situation, you might not believe this advice, but I can tell you that I wish I had done this BOTH times with my XH. He is lying to you about his trip to Chicago - jeez, feeding you a line of bull and expecting you to swallow it. Be proactive, cut him off at the pass. If you don't, you will have more pain that you need to. If he comes around with the above, then you can make decisions about what you want from your marriage. That damn trickle truth; it is a killer.

[Spark1111]

great advice here.

 

Expose, expose, expose.

 

tell her BS and tell HER he has carte blanche from you to spend eternity with her.

 

pack his bags, show him the door.

 

Speak with a D attorney and find out what your options and rights are....HOW much financial support will you receive?

 

DO NOT entertain whining, begging, crying from him until he has ended it with her and gone full NC.

 

Focus on you and the children.....whether with him or without him.

 

Today.

[waterwoman]

What everyone else has said. He doesn't really understand that he has to make a choice so make it for him first. Good luck xx Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Steadfast]

It seems so simple after the fact. After the fog. That's when you realize the absolute futility of trying to convince someone to be loving and loyal.

 

You have the advice you need. Take it with faith, because it is good. Presently, the only hope of saving your marriage lies in your husband's desire. Once you reject his actions, the balance of power for this decision will shift to a more equal plane. Where it should be...where it was before.

 

You'll get lots of good advice and companionship here as you sort through the process. Before long, you'll be helping others too. That's how it works.

[BetrayedH]

If no one has mentioned it (then we're slackers), you should look up 'the 180' and start implementing it.

[jnel921]

I am sorry you are going through this. You did not mention your ages. From experience in my first M I can tell you that my H was a virgin. So any attention after me was flattering for him and I believe is what triggered him to be the serial cheater he was and still is to this day.

 

It starts out emotional. But if he is traveling I would think something is up or has happened already by his behavior. He wants you to join Match.com??? What the heck?

 

My XH said he didn't love me and was all over the place too. But in the end I stood my ground and kicked him out and never took him back.

 

You can't make him love you or want your family. Let him go.

 

Its not worth the emotional roller coaster, pain and suffering. You need to be strong for your kids.

[hardenqueen]

I also believe he is still seeing her. He would have told you where he was going if it was with his boss. He would need to end it now or get out. Don't let him continue to do this to you. Put a keylogger on his computer and get copies of the phone bill. I would also put a GPS on his phone. If he wants to save your marriage he should be willing to let you do all these things. If not then do it without him knowing.

 

A keylogger, also known as keystroke logging, is a program installed on your computer unbeknownst to you that logs all key strokes typed into your computer.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective from someone who has been there? He's saying all the right things. Says he loves me, doesn't want to be with her, wants to fix our marriage. And he is making efforts.

 

Do not go by his words. Go by his ACTIONS. So far both his words and actions have betrayed you.

 

At this point I recommend that you don't believe anything that he says, and believe only half (if that much) of what you see.

 

As far as him working with her and "he could only communicate professionally" is bullsh. It's a big "if" on her getting that position, but that will kill your marriage. When colleagues travel for work there is a LOT of socialization. I've done it for a living for years. Meet for breakfast at the hotel. Lunch. Dinner. Drinks. Hotel rooms in the same hotel; sometimes on the same floor. It would too easy for them to hook up! What will your husband going to do on the road? Eat by himself every meal and then go straight to his room? Every day? Every trip?

 

I also agree with everyone: he is not being fully honest and forthcoming.