changed, hes says its to late hes moved on, but hes still inlove with me?

[confussssssssed]

I need your help this might be long and boring ..but i need your insight...and help to cope with this but i have to let out everything to show the signifcants of him and why i cant just let go.

 

In highschool all the girls had the biggest crush on this one guy, and he wasnt even from my school, i always taught he was way out of my league so i didnt want to have a crush on him, since everyone was..but i did anyways it was hard not too, even when i had serious bfs this guy was Always on my MIND..for six years

 

two years after college i see him at this compition event out city has everyyear..and jokingly i tell my friend that knows his bestfriend that i want to get to know him, too see if he wasnt all about looks, and if there was somthing more thing deeper then that, i wanted to know his personality..and out of no where unexpectly he actually wanted to get to know me too!!with out even knowing who i was.i was soo suprise because this guy can get girl he wants. Soo the we talk on the phone and online at first, and it was soo magical, and when we went out on our first date it was soo inncoent, we we were both really after whats inside..i felt like i was in elementry school again..( i dated alot before him) had 3 serious long term relationships , and played in the field)BUt i have never felt this way about anyone i was already falling inlove the first time we went out..he was the most noble, hontest,truthfull trustworthy person i have ever meet...i felt like he was the guy i was supposed to meet, the one ive been waiting for..like i was meant to be with him..HE respected me soo much. we have lots in common..we even told his bestfriend on the same day we were falling inlove with eachother in less then a month..when we found that out we taught we were meant to be.. we were both crazy in love with eachother..we even waited to have sex..because we were that special to eachother..it was soo magical..head over hells kinna love you only see in the movies..

 

i am soo inlove with this man this guy changed me to a better person heres why..before him i wasnt big on honesty, and a little white lies were no big deal....and i never stood up for myself..i let people walk all over me..i was soo intimated to be soo perfect..i lied to make myself more interesting..i tried to make myself look like a good girl..i didnt mean too..it came natural at the moment..but he knew me better then that..and checked me..he told me to never lie to him even if it was the littleish things.. and he always wants me to be honest or else he will leave me..which he did because of he didnt trust me after that..but we got back together because he was too inlove with me and he couldnt amagin life with out me...so months pass on and we are both head over hells inlove ..i admired how honest and noble he was i wanted to be just like him..as the months pass on i hate myself for doing this..i broke his trust again!!with out trying !! =(!! what happen was is bestfriend had some issues with him and TOLD ME made me promise not to tell my bf soo a month later i tell my bf anyways because i couldnt take how hurt he was with his bestfriend not ignoring him..and i break his trust because soo bad i didnt tell him..he felt like i betrayed him.(..well i taught it was non of my business but i guess it was a big thing for him)...from then on he had major major trust issues with me..

 

he started treat me not as good..like he wouldnt do sweet things and bring me out..not seeing me as much making me feel not worth it..=( iM NOT..i felt like a horrible person..then as we start to get good again i MESS UP BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG TIME..well he has a online journal..and he wrote the sweetthings about me but he blocked it all so i told him to unblock it but couldnt because his computer was broken, so i ask him for the past word but he says no and he didnt want me to have it..but playing around he said to guess it..and GUESS WHAT..i DO GUESS IT..i know him that well..so i read all the sweet things, there was nothing bad in there..all sweet things about me..but anyways i let him know..and HE breaks up with me on the spot,saying he cant be with me because i cant be trusted =( and i invaded his privacy..and its over..HE also said the meanest things to me like "i never did anything sweet for you because you didnt deserve it" i feel sorry for your next boyfriend"..i felt like i was soo not worth anything in the world i felt like real ****..soo awful about myself

 

so the next day we were going to say our goodbye..but as i started crying he tells me he was just kidding..(i know he wasnt, he just loved me that much to see me cry)..but yeah that whole first week of getting backtogther was hell for me..because he did not want to see me at all..i was soo emotinal instable, because i couldnt get the mean things he said about me out of his head..it replayed over and over..i felt so unworth it. Then one night on the phone i start to cry and tell him that what he said was bothering me and it hurted soo much..and he breaks UP with me for good!! saying i was tooooooo much,and forget about us, we are never ever getting back together..to forget it..he cant ever trust me..and were broken up for GOOD...

 

then a stupid move..so the next day called my guy friend that i knew that would actually listen to all my crap caz he went to similar sitiuation ...and cried to him and told him everything...i was such a wreck..non stop sobbing..i felt like my life was over..i was so vulnerble and desperate for anyone to hear me out...i was bummed mostly because it was all my fault!! i could of prevented it but i didnt..so my friend and a couple of other people take me out to cheer me up..the whole day my friend tells me HE can make me HAPPY..and i would never cry if i was with him,and im worth it.. and that he liked me and he belive i can fall inlove with him..Normally if i wasnt such a wreck i would be soo mad at him for saying that..but at the moment it felt nice to hear..i felt worth it for the first time in a while..so i kinna fell for it..then later on at night me and my friends drink up...and me still crying about my ex..the guy constantly comforts me,i kinna fell for the sweet words.. and felt nice at the moment..so when i went home he dropped me off to my door i did the stupidist thing and KISSED HIM goodnight..it was a simple peck on the lips that last no more then 2 seconds.that didnt mean anything

 

then the next day my ex calls me and starts being nice to me again and my hopes of us got getting back together so high..i tell my friend i was still inlove with my ex and i was just caught up in the moment and i didnt mean too lead him on if i did..and i completely dont talk to him from then on..and a week later me and my ex are good again..and he tells me if i had anything to tell him and i said NO because i didnt know he found OUT about the kiss!! but when he comfronted me i admited to it..He goes soo mad and started to cry (first time to hear him cry)said i cheated on him and and i ****ed him over and im the first girl to break his heart ..he cant believe i did that..and he loved me more then anything and he wanted to marry me somday..the next night he throws EVERYTHING i gave him and that was mines at my front door...says he never wants to see me again and for a month we shouldnt talk so he can get over me..

 

but that didnt happen..a few days later he calls me and were fine again..act like a couple again..but he still cant get back with me because of trust issues but as a month pass on he starts to be mean saying were not gonna get back together caz i cant be trusted at all...it became routine...but we were still lovey dovey..and he would confess everynow and then he still inlove with me and after all that i did his love has never changed..after 2 months we both havent had any time part..then i got pregent..but i get an abortion..from then on hes was really determined to not be with me..has no hope for us at all..no more kissing and stuff(he has respect for me)..but we still cuddle...and see eachother..but lesser and lesser.its been 4 months already...i cant take it anymore, i feel like im stringing along..constantly telling me WE are not ever going to get back together!!he said the reason why hes still cant leave is because im emotionly instable and he feels sorry for me.and were JUST friends and he will always be my friend and wants to be in my life.but i CANT..it hurts soo much for me..so after all said and done thinking he is OVER ME FOR GOOD..HE does it AGAIN me by confessing hes still inlove with me and the reason why he is mean to me was to convince him self he as over me ...then the next two days are good..then back to the same ol thing again..its feels like he breaks up with me all the time..and this time i want to leave now , because he says its too late for me to change, and were never getting back together..that he has moved on already...this whole time i was soo devoted and faitfull and loyal to him.. i change soo much, im an honest blunt, trusthworthy person NOw =) so different from 2 years ago

 

i REALLY want him back soo bad i wanna make him happy again ...im willing to do anything but he says it to late..and i cant move on caz i know he still loves me deep inside and hes just trying to cover it up...I just want to NOT LOVE HIM and NOT CARE!! how do i? i can never stop loving him..he made me into such a better person.what should i do? how do i move on from HIM? how do i leave him alone?

 

thanks for all that read this..i know its long but i wanted to let you know the WHOLE story so it wouldnt sound so one sided.. please be honest

[Merin]

Honestly.. I think you're both to old to be playing this game.

 

I'm sorry you're so upset at this time.. but I must tell you that to me it seems that you were/are more "In Love" with this guys looks/popularity than you actually are with the person HE IS INSIDE.

 

You've said several times that he didn't really do nice things for you.. and he explained it to you that he didn't do nice things for you.. because in HIS mind you didn't deserve it..

 

You've also said in your thread here that you always felt he was out of your league.. and stated that you really didn't deserve to be treated well because of things you felt you did in the relationship.. sounds like low self esteem.

 

Nobody needs the emotional rollercoaster of someone breaking up then calling to make up on a continual basis.. it just isn't healthy. Not to mention the fact here that in your entire thread, he has NEVER taken ANY repsonsibility for anything that went wrong in the relationship.. even if you made mistakes.. I'm 100% certain he wasn't perfect or without fault.

 

Sit down and think really hard about what it is you REALLY like about this guy.. what does HE DO that makes you feel great about yourself? Anything? He seems to put you down a lot.. and let me also add you don't try to make the person you love cry.. not okay.

 

In so many ways it sounds like you're obsessed here.. not in love.

 

Hang in there

[NiCoLe20]

yea he's definitly playing games...i dont know why but he is. it doesnt really make sense to me... if he acutally does ''love'' you why is he hurting you like this? do u tell him how it hurts when he says these things? maybe you guys are just ''in love'' but dont ''love'' each other... if that makes sense... how long have u guys been together... sounds liek 2 yrs?? thats a long time so obvoiusly both u and him have strong feelings for one another.... his issue is trusting you b/c of that kiss... i wouldve told him if i didnt love you i wouldnt of told you and kept it a secret..tell him u used that dude as a rebound just like how u told us... if u guys want a future together you gotta talk about the issues that are preventing you from doing this...like the things he says to you, how u kissed that guy, and going thru his journal thing online.. tell him u've learned from your mistakes and stuff like that...you gotta show him how you want to stay together... think of something sweet to do...but then on the other hand he doesnt quite deservethat lol.... he sounds like he's bein a real ass .. and after all the breakups and getting back together im surprised u didnt ditch him by now... i would be fed up.. its like ''ok so today are we together or not?" u know?!!! if he breaks up w/ you again ... calmly say ok thats fine... im sick of being pulled along and guessing whats gonna happen next.. babe i love you but you've changed and im not happy like this and i doubt you are either...maybe its best we seperate and who knows..maybe in the future we'll cross paths again." id say something like that... then do your own thing for a couple of months and make sure you OBEY the no contact rule!! give it a while....absense makes the heart grow fonder... and if he really cares about you he'll get you back...its easy to say but not easy to do... but thats what i would probably do in this situation tell him ur not happy and dont want to waste time trying to make something work that obviously isnt...dont get hysterical...a tear or two is good!! then say everything calmly and just walk away...see what happens...like i said if he really loves you-he'll come around...goodluck and keep us posted!