I know what went wrong I need to tell her!

[Farsight]

So it's been 9 weeks since the break up. 5 weeks NC. She broke up with me

 

I learned a lot about myself since the break up. I am not over her at all. It's getting better. But I miss her like crazy sometimes.

 

Not to get into to much detail. But I was clingy and had anxiety attacks. She felt guilty about me being depressed. I was focussing to much on are differences, despite that we were so much a like. I didn't know what I had.

I've been coming up with reasons a lot the past 2 months, why she broke up. To convince her ofcourse that that I can fix our problems

 

I want to tell her this. I never got the chance to talk about what went wrong between us. Everytime this feeling is making me to want to put in a letetr and send it to her. Not that she doesn't want to talk but I thought It would push her away and now I think its to late

 

Note that she was depressed and very sad when she broke up. And she had doubts for 3 weeks. We didn't adress any issieus. She was completely stressed out. Also there wasn't a long cooling off period before the break up. Maybe just a week.

 

PLease talk some sense into me.

[Never Again]

So it's been 9 weeks since the break up. 5 weeks NC. She broke up with me

 

I learned a lot about myself since the break up. I am not over her at all. It's getting better. But I miss her like crazy sometimes.

 

Not to get into to much detail. But I was clingy and had anxiety attacks. She felt guilty about me being depressed. I was focussing to much on are differences, despite that we were so much a like. I didn't know what I had.

I've been coming up with reasons a lot the past 2 months, why she broke up. To convince her ofcourse that that I can fix our problems

 

I want to tell her this. I never got the chance to talk about what went wrong between us. Everytime this feeling is making me to want to put in a letetr and send it to her. Not that she doesn't want to talk but I thought It would push her away and now I think its to late

 

Note that she was depressed and very sad when she broke up. And she had doubts for 3 weeks. We didn't adress any issieus. She was completely stressed out. Also there wasn't a long cooling off period before the break up. Maybe just a week.

 

PLease talk some sense into me.

 

Logic never works in these situations.

 

If you feel like you absolutely MUST tell her something, I would advise against trying to convince her. All you can do is say "I realize I did XXX wrong. It was unfair and it hurt you, I'm sorry."

 

Only do this if it'll ease your conscience and make you ACTUALLY feel better. Otherwise, you'll do what everyone does - second guesses themselves and want to have contact AGAIN to explain it more.

[todreaminblue]

I think when you know what went wrong it is never a bad thing to admit it.......

 

 

not for any purposes of you feeling better, but to let that person know you realize your part in it in turn that makes you feel relief because you actually regret the whole thing..and make them feel you understand them.....

 

 

 

because break ups don't just involve one person it is two people who are responsible for the break down in communication....

 

 

it takes someone of character to admit their part and to want to fix it.....so do what is in your heart.....

 

and dont ever feel bad about wanting to make someone know you regret losing them........i wish you well...

 

write your letter..you might find that the person you are sending it too wanted to do exactly the same thing...

 

 

but in the irony of a break down felt just like you, unsure whether you would be receptive..so both of you sit not contacting each other but wanting to............ ..so kill irony and follow your heart...deb

Edited October 17, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Never Again]

If it helps any, I wrote a letter to my ex...not so much to reconcile, but to feel less guilty for how I contributed to the end of the relationship.

 

I just apologized for one thing - but I felt it was big. I had been drained of energy from an awful job I had at the time, and seeing me unhappy hurt her.

 

I wasn't unhappy all the time, but that's how she felt - that I was unhappy everyday at work...and it ate away at her.

 

I simply told her that I realized how this negativity had hurt her, and us, and that I was sorry for being unfair to her.

 

She already knew how I felt and that I wanted to work things out (I had said as much when we broke up). I avoided talking about how I felt, because that wasn't important. What was important is that I acknowledged how she felt and how I had affected that.

[Simon Phoenix]

No, no, no, no, no. No letters, no telling them how you feel, no nothing. If they want to know, they'll ask.

[Never Again]

No, no, no, no, no. No letters, no telling them how you feel, no nothing. If they want to know, they'll ask.

 

Well, I agree with this generally.

 

As I said earlier, only reach out if apologizing will ease your guilt of any misdeeds you may have perpetrated.

 

I did it solely because I knew I has hurt someone I had truly cared about. It didn't matter if it was the cause of the breakup or not, I never mentioned how I felt or asked for her back. I simply needed to apologize and had no expectations for reconciliation.

 

A letter, no matter what it says, will ever get someone back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, I agree with this generally.

 

As I said earlier, only reach out if apologizing will ease your guilt of any misdeeds you may have perpetrated.

 

I did it solely because I knew I has hurt someone I had truly cared about. It didn't matter if it was the cause of the breakup or not, I never mentioned how I felt or asked for her back. I simply needed to apologize and had no expectations for reconciliation.

 

A letter, no matter what it says, will ever get someone back.

 

I still wouldn't have done it then, but if you are going to do it, doing it with no expectations is the way to go. This dude has expectations, so a bad response or a non-response to his letter will send him into a downward spiral.

 

OP, there is no magic combination of words that will make your ex understand. Time will do a hell of a lot more to heal than any letter you send.

[JourneyLady]

No, no, no, no, no. No letters, no telling them how you feel, no nothing. If they want to know, they'll ask.

 

No Simon, they won't. Because if they've wanted things to be better long enough and you weren't working on it like they were, they gave up and decided you won't change. But heartbreak can and does change people. Only... with NC, it isn't obvious that the person with the most problems has changed to the person who walked away.

 

No they won't ask, because they are afraid of getting breadcrumbs too. They won't ask, because if you've been stubborn and muleheaded, they think that you will continue to be so and won't really make any changes. They won't ask because they may feel that you left for the greener grass, and are only coming back after you have exhausted all other possibilities. They don't want to be your "last resort".

 

If you've really changed, you have to show them over time that they are not your last resort, that you now realize they are a priority in your life and that you are ready to change the bad behavior.

 

Then you really can start again.

But it has to be for more reasons than just "missing them". You have to have a LOT of regret to get to that point. And sometimes, it is simply too late.

[Simon Phoenix]

No Simon, they won't. Because if they've wanted things to be better long enough and you weren't working on it like they were, they gave up and decided you won't change. But heartbreak can and does change people. Only... with NC, it isn't obvious that the person with the most problems has changed to the person who walked away.

 

No they won't ask, because they are afraid of getting breadcrumbs too. They won't ask, because if you've been stubborn and muleheaded, they think that you will continue to be so and won't really make any changes. They won't ask because they may feel that you left for the greener grass, and are only coming back after you have exhausted all other possibilities. They don't want to be your "last resort".

 

If you've really changed, you have to show them over time that they are not your last resort, that you now realize they are a priority in your life and that you are ready to change the bad behavior.

 

Then you really can start again.

But it has to be for more reasons than just "missing them". You have to have a LOT of regret to get to that point. And sometimes, it is simply too late.

 

I couldn't disagree more with everything you just wrote. If a dumper wants to check up on a dumpee, they will, even if it's passively (asking a mutual friend how the dumpee is doing, creeping on Facebook, stuff like that). If they like what they see, then maybe they'll reach out and see what's up. But it's not up to the dumpee to advertise to the dumper what they are doing.

 

I've had ex's that have disappeared for a year or several years come back randomly. And all of them liked what they saw because I made whatever changes I made without them in mind. That never would have happened if I took the "look at me" approach that you seem to be advocating if I'm interpreting you correctly.

 

And as far as the "too late" thing, if it ever becomes "too late", that means that it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Things unfold as they should.

[lylat333]

OP, I wrote my ex a letter 10 days after the breakup mostly because I felt like I had one thing in particular I needed to apologize for that I never did. We were in a limbo period for months (we stopped being FB official bf/gf) yet still treated each other like bf/gf. I thought it was selfish of me to expect her to act like my girlfriend when we weren't an "official" couple and I wanted to apologize for that.

 

I did... but she never even acknowledged my letter to my surprise. Of course now if I could go back I probably wouldn't have even sent the letter... don't remind the dumper of all the reasons why they may have been justified in leaving you. I do think the best thing to do is leave them alone in the vast majority of cases.

 

You may feel like you now know what went wrong, but it doesn't really matter and it's not something you need to bring to your ex's attention. Chances are it will end up pushing her away, giving her more power and control and you feeling even more helpless. I know how hard it is, but best to leave it be and leave her to her own devices.

[Farsight]

If I send her a letter. I would like to have no respons or she making an effort to reconcile.

 

My fear is that she will respond negatively or start a discussion.

 

My hope is she doesn't respond but she will think about it and maybe after a period of NC will realize are relationship can be fixed.

 

Whats a bit inconsistent of me is that I wrote my objections to a letter on another thread

 

Hmmm, I have searched on loveshack. For somebody who send a letter and later got a second chance.

 

Guess what, there are almost non. Not even in the long run. Only 1 instince

of reconcilation. But I don't know what was in the letter (was very short post).

 

My thought on this are that letters don't work because:

 

-There are to easy to ignore. Its just text.

Its doesn't fire a strong emotion.

-It isn't a dialoge so if your stating assumptions like why you broke up and how you have changed its very easy to make a mistake in your assumptions. And as soon as that happens they will think well that was not the problem at all. And they get reinfermed that they made the right decision because you didn't see the problem.

-They are not open. They are maybe still having difficulty with the break up. A lot of times its best to ignore thoughts about your ex. A letter will just annoy them in this process of healing.

-They sound clingy, and they don't want contact exactly for that reason.

 

If you want to send it don't do it for a second chance. If you want just piece of mind you can. If they reply ignore everything. Maybe you can put it in you r letter.

It will only cause hurt if you start a discussion or they reject you again.

 

If you want a second chance a letter is a bad idear. They will think you still not over the break up. They will remember teh time of the break up. And they don't want that. If you want a second chance make new nice happy memory's with them. How... well thats tough but not a letter.

 

I have been trying to convince myself of its a bad idear to send a letter and come up with good reasons.

But still I have a strong feeling that not all has been said that needs to be said. When we were still in contact only a few times I apologized. But never gave her any solutions for the problems. And didt adress the key issieus. And she was so crazed out she wasn't thinking straight. And I was not being very rational a the time. BUt know after 2 months of refelections I know what the problems were/are and how to fix them. And I have changed.

 

No they won't ask, because they are afraid of getting breadcrumbs too.

 

I've been thinking about exacly this. She never said she didnt want contact. But after 3 1/2 weeks of NC she maybe thinking well he doesn't want contact. And then you have 2 people guessing what the other wants. She is the kind of person that is sensitive to these things.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, Farsight

 

Great job in keeping no contact, and wise of you to ask for support,

rather than breaking no contact.

 

You are doing great!

 

My problem, during my no contact, was that in my head there was this mathematical equation

I had set up so long ago.

 

It was simple, but effective and it held power over me.

It looked like this:

happiness = dildo face's name

and

no (dildo face's) name = no happiness

 

If anything will work at all it is to let go/move on*.

Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day.

 

* Like I have said before:

 

Most people fear the phrase «let go»/«move on» they seem to think it is the end of the world, and it is -

it is the end of that fu*ked up roller coaster world you have been living in with your ex.

 

People should remember that «let go»/«move on» is really just moving forward and leaving

the past behind and preparing for an even better future having learned from

your past mistakes - when they get their ex back - without evolving -

nothing has changed - the fu*ked up roller coaster starts all over again.

 

This may sound impossible, «let go and go have a blast every day».

But if your love is strong enough,

if your goal of «winning them back» is compelling enough;

you can do anything you have to do.

 

Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways:

 

- It surprises them.

They have taken your suffering for granted.

They assume it.

That's the person they're dumping.

Who the hell is this person having so much fun?

 

Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a

bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.

 

- We often take each other for granted.

Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back.

 

The water in the well really is running dry. If your ex will come back it will be after they

realise all that's missing from life without you.

 

They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.

- Impatience is your enemy.

It compels you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes.

Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it.

 

Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you,

you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back.

There's only one thing that really squashes impatience -

making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go,

«well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now»

and continue taking strategic actions towards your goal - getting you back.

 

The point of no contact, the step you are doing now,

and in my mind the most important step of this process:

is that whatever she is doing or you are doing, is irrelevant to the other.

You have to focus on you for now, my friend.

 

If you talk, write her, etc., how can she decide if she misses you?

How can you recover yourself?

 

You have to drop off her radar, to stimulate her curiosity about what is going on with you.

 

Difficult as it is that is the best way.

 

Get back to being fine on your own, become a better, more confident person, and then decide what to do.

Usually by this point, this might happen:

I've noticed in most of these stories so far, is that the people in this forum get better, the ex wants to come back,

but the forum people are like:

 

«What? why would I want to do that; I'm really happy now and you've been nothing but mean to me/or after no contact I finally realised that we weren't compatible. Yes, we are two great people, but together we are terrible or have horrible chemistry, etc.

Why would I allow a mean/wrong person to have access to me?».

Unless the exes change too, it seems difficult to get back together.

 

A friend of mine told me that a former Boss of hers had a standard rule for submitting loan applications:

«Don't hurry up to get a turn down.»

 

If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.

 

I promise you, you're far more likely to «win her back» the more you enjoy this process (no contact) - the less you suffer it.

 

If you think that's impossible, think again.

 

The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them.

 

You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head

or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you.

 

It's up to you.

Say good-bye to the past, but don't tell yourself you will never have a chance to be with your ex again,

because that would be lying to yourself (unless you can predict the future).

[Farsight]

If anything will work at all it is to let go/move on*.

Hi thora tiki,

 

Thx for the encourangement.

Actually I did have contact 2 weeks ago. She texted about her stuff I texted back I was out of town. Then I was stupid as to text her where I was and I was enjoying mysefl en I was curious about her to.2 texts from me 2 texts from her so nothing to wriet home about.

 

The thing is that NC is a one size fits all policy.

My exgf isn't normal. I can imagine she is just angry at me if she notices I have moved on.

 

But not to go off-topic. I think I will just start on my letter and after decide if I am going to send it or not.

Edited October 18, 2013 by Farsight

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi thora tiki,

 

Thx for the encourangement.

Actually I did have contact 2 weeks ago. She texted about her stuff I texted back I was out of town. Then I was stupid as to text her where I was and I was enjoying mysefl en I was curious about her to.2 texts from me 2 texts from her so nothing to wriet home about.

 

The thing is that NC is a one size fits all policy.

My exgf isn't normal. I can imagine she is just angry at me if she notices I have moved on.

 

But not to go off-topic. I think I will just start on my letter and after decide if I am going to send it or not.

 

As much as you want to believe that your relationship is a unique snowflake and the rules don't apply to you, they do. I mean, this stuff is advised for a reason, and that reason isn't laziness by posters. Write it for you if it helps you, BUT DO NOT SEND. You have expectations of it leading to reconciliation at least in some way, which is bad.

 

Honestly, time will heal wounds more than some gooey apology you can write. Let time do its thing and, like thora-tiki said, don't be impatient! Impatience is a killer. I'm an impatient person too, if there's one thing that my breakup that brought me here did for me, it made me a hell of a lot more patient, which is a very good thing.

[lylat333]

The thing is that NC is a one size fits all policy.

My exgf isn't normal. I can imagine she is just angry at me if she notices I have moved on.

 

I hear you, and many including myself have felt this as well but a one size fits all policy is a great approach when it comes to human nature.

 

I would say it's going to be human nature for her to miss you, not be angry with you if she notices you move on. Whether you're the dumper or dumpee, seeing your ex move on is the most powerful thing.

 

The whole mindset of convincing your ex of something after the relationship has ended doesn't work. I feel pretty strongly giving more power to the person who ended things does not end well, speaking from experience and being on both ends.

[Never Again]

Write it for you if it helps you, BUT DO NOT SEND. You have expectations of it leading to reconciliation at least in some way, which is bad.

 

OP, we may be jumping to conclusions...but it does seem pretty apparent that you have hopes and expectations on what you'll achieve here.

 

Hope and expectation just lead to impatience and pain. You'll hurt yourself do much more if you follow these feelings.

 

All you can do is focus on making yourself feel better, and having contact of any sort right now will only have the opposite effect.

[Farsight]

As much as you want to believe that your relationship is a unique snowflake and the rules don't apply to you, they do. I mean, this stuff is advised for a reason, and that reason isn't laziness by posters. Write it for you if it helps you, BUT DO NOT SEND. You have expectations of it leading to reconciliation at least in some way, which is bad.

 

Honestly, time will heal wounds more than some gooey apology you can write. Let time do its thing and, like thora-tiki said, don't be impatient! Impatience is a killer. I'm an impatient person too, if there's one thing that my breakup that brought me here did for me, it made me a hell of a lot more patient, which is a very good thing.

 

Nice metapfor with the snowflake. Because there all different but they develep by the exact same rule. (To do with the shape of the molecule if I remember correctly)

 

Again Simon your here to talk sense in to me. Thx for that. My urges to contact her are not as strong as 5 weeks ago when I went NC.

 

But I rejected her by going NC and saying that I didn't want contact. And she is not the person that wil respond by pulling me back. She will just be angry. She has been dumped and rejected a lot of times. This is the first time she has been the dumper.

 

I have to give this some thought

[Simon Phoenix]

Nice metapfor with the snowflake. Because there all different but they develep by the exact same rule. (To do with the shape of the molecule if I remember correctly)

 

Again Simon your here to talk sense in to me. Thx for that. My urges to contact her are not as strong as 5 weeks ago when I went NC.

 

But I rejected her by going NC and saying that I didn't want contact. And she is not the person that wil respond by pulling me back. She will just be angry. She has been dumped and rejected a lot of times. This is the first time she has been the dumper.

 

I have to give this some thought

 

Dude, she rejected you by breaking up with you. You need to get that through to your thick skull. You are not the rejector, so stop with that stupid thought process that has no basis in reality. She fired you from the relationship. You need to grow some balls and stop wanting to cowtow to someone who basically fired you. She broke up with you, so you disappearing is just giving her what she wanted. Why should she get you as a friend while looking for someone else as a lover when you don't get squat? Why are you so weak that not only do you think that's fair, but you are willing to beg to be a backup plan at best?

 

There's nothing to think about. Unless you are cool with being a platonic friend who is there for support while she goes and hooks up with whoever, this is a terrible fu*king idea. I know I'm being harsh, but damn, you just don't seem to get it.

[Farsight]

Dude, she rejected you by breaking up with you. You need to get that through to your thick skull. You are not the rejector, so stop with that stupid thought process that has no basis in reality. She fired you from the relationship. You need to grow some balls and stop wanting to cowtow to someone who basically fired you. She broke up with you, so you disappearing is just giving her what she wanted. Why should she get you as a friend while looking for someone else as a lover when you don't get squat? Why are you so weak that not only do you think that's fair, but you are willing to beg to be a backup plan at best?

 

There's nothing to think about. Unless you are cool with being a platonic friend who is there for support while she goes and hooks up with whoever, this is a terrible fu*king idea. I know I'm being harsh, but damn, you just don't seem to get it.

 

Yes your are a bit harsh but i can take it

 

I am not going to be her friend. This is indeed a terrible idear.

I know she rejected me by breaking up with me ofcourse. But again this was not black and white situation. I wish it were. I wish she said I don't want anything to do with you anymore. But she was thinking about getting together for 3 weeks.

 

One time In another relationship I was exhausted and burned out. I just needed space for a while. I didn''t break up but I said just give me a few weeks. Thi swas hard on her because after awhile she thought it was her fault. It was not really her fault but I was just strressed out. And she was causing me stress but only because I was not thinking straight. And I needed to cool down. After 3 weeks I was better and we talked and it was ok again. We broke up evntually becasue she moved to another town.

 

My point is I am thinking mayeb this is kinda the same. If you read my other treads you can read it was a break up that was in the heat of the moment and she is just unhappy with her life in general.

 

And it could very well be she calmed down but never will have the courage to seek contact.

There is no way of knowing this if I never put my hand out. And I never did since she broke up I intiated contact only twice. And a third time maybe when I brought her stuff back.

 

She may very well thought that day I brought her stuff back (this was 3 days after she said she couldn't be in a relationship for awhile) I ****ed up and now its really over.

 

So I am gratefull for your advice but this is worthy of my thoughts.

 

This wasn't a girl who premeditated this over months and finally dropped the bom and coldly said but i wanted to still be friends.

 

First we had a bit of a fight then 2 hours later she breaks up with me and she is crazed out of her mind(or more liek a break thing). Sh sends me texts messages that are completely of the scale. And then 2 weeks later she said again this break is for sure but she is still my best friends and still she is calling me sweaty and stuff like nothing has changed only "how we call it". I was thinking this girl is completely bonkers. Do you even know what you have done??? Again a few days later she is thinking well mayeb if things get better we can get back together.Then I said I want no contact. because you can't seem to make uyp your mind and its driving me insane..

 

So don't judge me I think I have a good reason to be in doubt. I was by the way who started to be less affectionate because I was going insane myself because of the confusion and hurt.

[ChaseD]

It sounds to me that the two of you needed some time to think things through. This is the first thread I read from you, so I'm unsure how long you two have been together prior. I don't want to hijack your thread, but maybe my story might help.

 

I was with one of my ex girlfriends for about 5 years. I actually broke it off because I felt that we were just drifting apart and things weren't going to change. After a week I started to regret it and actually wanted her back, however, she wouldn't do it. She told me how could I just throw away 5 years?

 

Anyhow ... I got depressed ... wanted to move state ... etc. 2 months later I was better and felt like a new man. I still had feelings for her and thought about everything I did wrong in the relationship. I just bit the bullet and decided to just start over. I asked her out and she accepted. I was hoping to rekindle the magic we once had.

 

We went out on 2 dates, but since I was also still going out with friends ... things were different. My perspective changed on how I wanted a relationship to be and didn't contact her ever again.

 

The point is that it's definitely possible to get back with your ex. It may not be exactly the same as both of your perspectives may have changed during the time you're apart.

 

I know others say don't even try to get back with your ex, however, do it if you feel you have to. They are right that you have to have a strong mind set not to expect that you'll get back with your ex by just doing something differently. I would say that if you do write a letter or something else and it doesn't work ... then just move on. Think of it as closure.

 

Also having friends, going out, etc will help you out as well. Sorry long post, but I hope it helps.

[KathyM]

I think you need to work on yourself before trying to get back into a relationship with anybody. You said you had depression and panic attacks. It sounds like there are things going on with you that need to be treated and resolved before you will be ready to have a healthy relationship. If you just try to go back without really having these issues really resolved, you'll just repeat the same patterns, and the relationship will break up again. I don't believe it was just one argument that caused the relationship to snap. Usually, it's a culmination of negative patterns and interactions, with one argument being the final straw. So my suggestion is to work on yourself and get your own issues resolved that were contributing to your anxiety and depression, preferably with a counselor, before making any effort to get back with your ex. Otherwise, you will likely repeat the same patterns/behaviors that led to the breakup, and it will end again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes your are a bit harsh but i can take it

 

I am not going to be her friend. This is indeed a terrible idear.

I know she rejected me by breaking up with me ofcourse. But again this was not black and white situation. I wish it were. I wish she said I don't want anything to do with you anymore. But she was thinking about getting together for 3 weeks.

 

One time In another relationship I was exhausted and burned out. I just needed space for a while. I didn''t break up but I said just give me a few weeks. Thi swas hard on her because after awhile she thought it was her fault. It was not really her fault but I was just strressed out. And she was causing me stress but only because I was not thinking straight. And I needed to cool down. After 3 weeks I was better and we talked and it was ok again. We broke up evntually becasue she moved to another town.

 

My point is I am thinking mayeb this is kinda the same. If you read my other treads you can read it was a break up that was in the heat of the moment and she is just unhappy with her life in general.

 

And it could very well be she calmed down but never will have the courage to seek contact.

There is no way of knowing this if I never put my hand out. And I never did since she broke up I intiated contact only twice. And a third time maybe when I brought her stuff back.

 

She may very well thought that day I brought her stuff back (this was 3 days after she said she couldn't be in a relationship for awhile) I ****ed up and now its really over.

 

So I am gratefull for your advice but this is worthy of my thoughts.

 

This wasn't a girl who premeditated this over months and finally dropped the bom and coldly said but i wanted to still be friends.

 

First we had a bit of a fight then 2 hours later she breaks up with me and she is crazed out of her mind(or more liek a break thing). Sh sends me texts messages that are completely of the scale. And then 2 weeks later she said again this break is for sure but she is still my best friends and still she is calling me sweaty and stuff like nothing has changed only "how we call it". I was thinking this girl is completely bonkers. Do you even know what you have done??? Again a few days later she is thinking well mayeb if things get better we can get back together.Then I said I want no contact. because you can't seem to make uyp your mind and its driving me insane..

 

So don't judge me I think I have a good reason to be in doubt. I was by the way who started to be less affectionate because I was going insane myself because of the confusion and hurt.

 

If she had the stones to break up with you, she has the stones to re-establish contact and take you back if she chooses. You are in full mental gymnastics mode right now. You need to step back, relax, and let things unfold at their own speed while working on yourself in the process. No matter how much you want your situation to be unique, it isn't.

[JourneyLady]

I couldn't disagree more with everything you just wrote. If a dumper wants to check up on a dumpee, they will, even if it's passively (asking a mutual friend how the dumpee is doing, creeping on Facebook, stuff like that). If they like what they see, then maybe they'll reach out and see what's up. But it's not up to the dumpee to advertise to the dumper what they are doing.

 

I've had ex's that have disappeared for a year or several years come back randomly. And all of them liked what they saw because I made whatever changes I made without them in mind. That never would have happened if I took the "look at me" approach that you seem to be advocating if I'm interpreting you correctly.

 

And as far as the "too late" thing, if it ever becomes "too late", that means that it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Things unfold as they should.

 

You have no idea how a person like myself deals with rejection. I broke up with ex-bf, yes, but because he refused to work on things and had GIGS and was not the person he pretends to be on FB and other places. I wouldn't EVER think of getting back with him because of what he posts, because too many times he's manipulated me with that and because I know it's not a reflection of who he really is and how he's really feeling.

 

It's not totally unthinkable I'd get back with him someday. But not like he was with me and not like he in all likelihood still is. First, it would take a lot of ego-swallowing for him to admit that he still wants me. Second, he'd have to make an investment of some time to show me that I'm not just his last resort because he can't find anyone else who loves him that much or will treat him as well as I did.

 

Another guy I broke up with because he suddenly freaked out about being in a relationship, said some things I perceived as rejection and break-up. So I responded to that with some rejection of my own BECAUSE he refused to have a face to face discussion to explain what was going on with him. (I've learned not to trust texting and this was an LDR.)

 

Turned out (weeks later) he had not meant to break up -- but the damage was done > to both of us. He's embarrassed by the whole thing and that, I think, keeps him from wanting to start over and see where it goes when we're both in a better place (we each had high stress at the time).

 

No, you don't quite get it. If I perceive I'm being dumped (either slowly with the fade or quickly with the silent withdrawal) I will let go first, no matter how much I care or how much I want to work things out. I try to talk it over first and if that doesn't fly, I leave. Because it takes TWO people -- and if I don't get that sign that tells me the guy wants to do his part and work with me on whatever the problem is, then I bail.

 

If he comes back later and admits he wishes he'd worked on it and wants to now and has a plan for doing that, then I'm willing to keep trying. But I've been humiliated too many times knocking my head against a brick wall to go knocking on a door that doesn't open for me. If I'm really something a man can't pass up, he'll come try to work things out. Period.

 

Mostly because I am the type who usually does want to work things out and find that the MALE in the relationship usually has to do the deciding for it to really work. If the guy doesn't want it to work out bad enough - it won't. Since it's the male that pulls the withdrawal card, I won't know he's serious until he comes to me. It never works the other way around. I've been taken back several times when I asked -- but then they stop trying once I've been back only a little while.

 

The guys know I'm a person willing to try again. But they also need to know I'm not going to run outside and grab them and shove them inside...

Edited October 24, 2013 by JourneyLady

[D-Lish]

Write a letter, don't send it. Write another letter, don't send it. The writing is cathartic- but do it for you, and your eyes only.

[Simon Phoenix]

You have no idea how a person like myself deals with rejection. I broke up with ex-bf, yes, but because he refused to work on things and had GIGS and was not the person he pretends to be on FB and other places. I wouldn't EVER think of getting back with him because of what he posts, because too many times he's manipulated me with that and because I know it's not a reflection of who he really is and how he's really feeling.

 

It's not totally unthinkable I'd get back with him someday. But not like he was with me and not like he in all likelihood still is. First, it would take a lot of ego-swallowing for him to admit that he still wants me. Second, he'd have to make an investment of some time to show me that I'm not just his last resort because he can't find anyone else who loves him that much or will treat him as well as I did.

 

Another guy I broke up with because he suddenly freaked out about being in a relationship, said some things I perceived as rejection and break-up. So I responded to that with some rejection of my own BECAUSE he refused to have a face to face discussion to explain what was going on with him. (I've learned not to trust texting and this was an LDR.)

 

Turned out (weeks later) he had not meant to break up -- but the damage was done > to both of us. He's embarrassed by the whole thing and that, I think, keeps him from wanting to start over and see where it goes when we're both in a better place (we each had high stress at the time).

 

No, you don't quite get it. If I perceive I'm being dumped (either slowly with the fade or quickly with the silent withdrawal) I will let go first, no matter how much I care or how much I want to work things out. I try to talk it over first and if that doesn't fly, I leave. Because it takes TWO people -- and if I don't get that sign that tells me the guy wants to do his part and work with me on whatever the problem is, then I bail.

 

If he comes back later and admits he wishes he'd worked on it and wants to now and has a plan for doing that, then I'm willing to keep trying. But I've been humiliated too many times knocking my head against a brick wall to go knocking on a door that doesn't open for me. If I'm really something a man can't pass up, he'll come try to work things out. Period.

 

Mostly because I am the type who usually does want to work things out and find that the MALE in the relationship usually has to do the deciding for it to really work. If the guy doesn't want it to work out bad enough - it won't. Since it's the male that pulls the withdrawal card, I won't know he's serious until he comes to me. It never works the other way around. I've been taken back several times when I asked -- but then they stop trying once I've been back only a little while.

 

The guys know I'm a person willing to try again. But they also need to know I'm not going to run outside and grab them and shove them inside...

 

A forced dumper = dumpee. The OP didn't force his ex to dump him, so none of this applies. And even if he did, the moment he tried back and she said no, he becomes a run of the mill dumpee.

 

And honestly, if you want a guy you dumped back, you shouldn't be asking them to jump through hoops for you. That's kind of messed up. If you dumped them, you should be making the effort to get back with them if that's what you want.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Simon Phoenix