What the hell am I doing?

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I've gotten some really good advice here. Let me say that first. This is the meeting place for all those who wish to understand and move on from a previous relationship. While I don't think I'm crazier than most people on here, I'm having a hard time with a few things, and the more I think about them, the deeper I get in what seems is my own personal void.

 

Basically, it's been a good 3 months since I was dumped by my ex. We spent everyday together for about a year and a half. I'm 22, the ex was 20. I saw our relationship degrade about 2 months before it ended. I'm still not sure if there was anything in the world that I could have done to save it, but I knew there were problems, except on my end I was sure we could get past them.

 

Anyways, after the initial breakup, I actually felt very good. I thought I had things under control. I was more than ready to put all the B.S. behind me and move on. But lately, I find myself relapsing back into a spineless jellyfish, and I can't understand why, especially since 3 weeks after the breakup, I was on here giving advice to others!!!

 

For some reason, and I have some ideas, but thats a different forum I guess, it's hard for me to meet and make friends with people. Let me rephrase, sometimes it takes a long time for me to get comfortable to open up with a new person, whether it be a guy or girl, friend, co-worker or whatever. And that fact hurts me in the "approachable" aspect of my personality. It's like I know its there, but invisible to others. Once I'm over that, the people I meet seem to like me more and more, probably because I open up and let them see who I am. So it takes a while for me to warm up to people. It's not really a self-confidence issue, but its involved, and I'm getting off subject just a little. I apologize.

 

I think my problem right now is that I still have what I loved about her stuck in my head. I know this is normal. The thing is, in order for my mind to cope with my emotional loss, it wants to think of her as being dead. In a sense, she is dead, at least to me. It makes sense to me to think that way, but I don't think it's helping, because of course she is very much alive and living a life without me. Thats fine. It really is. I miss her company, but I know I can't go back in time, or I can't believe in the hope that we will get back together.

 

My thoughts are really skipping around a lot right now. There will be days where I go out with my friends(some of them new!!!), and not have a care in the world. I'll have fun, I'll be outgoing and talk my head off. Then there will be days where I try to go to sleep, and I feel like everythings wrong with my life. I'll end up getting teary-eyed when I'm driving to work, or I'll just shut off to everyone around me. Sometimes I love who I am now, othertimes I really question existance in its entirety. I don't like this behavior. I'm on a rollercoaster. Up and Down.......

 

To make this "initial" post shorter, I feel that I am progressing, but regressing as well.

[Jip]

I'm feeling very much the same as you at the moment. I'm 3 months post break-up too and since mid Oct having been getting better but since Sunday I feel as if I have been going backwards!! Like you I've been getting teary-eyed driving to work ( well always kinda done that) etc and dreaming about him getting back with me... Its horrible to wake up and realise its B/S... I thought I'd got past this phase?!. Although I know its crazy I find myself thinking 'what if he comes back' when I know full well he is with someone else. Whereas up til then I appreciated that he'd gone and was starting to adjust to the fact that I will have to live without him and start living my life for me and start thinking of myself as single again!!

 

I had been feeling full of hope and even a tinge of excitement at the prospect of what may lie ahead (having gone through the initial trauma) but next day despair and thinking about the perfect thing I'd lost but how silly it couldn't have been all that great if he wasn't strong enough or didn't love me enough to work through things!! Like you we had a few problems (nothing major I thought) but he bottled up how he'd been feeling and so when it ended it shocked me to my very core!!

 

I don't know how to help you as I've been so down these last few days myself - all I can say is you're not the only one and if it is a rollercoaster then another upward slope must be coming again soon for both of us - fingers crossed!!

 

Take care x

[xxsilverdragonxx]

She kept her/our problems bottled up. From what I learned about her past, and applying that to now, I see a somewhat logical link and pattern.

 

I really want to tell her how she made me feel while we were together. I don't know if I ever truly did tell her, even though I thought my actions would have made it completely clear how much I cared for her. Maybe my ex used me, or is confused in a way herself. I dunno. Doesn't really matter at this point in time.

 

I don't even know who she is anymore. The first time I saw her again after the break she seemed really different, but I was expecting this anyway.

 

My problem is I have her ghost(her old self) still in my mind, and while some things have dulled and faded, other things about her remain fresh in my mind, and those are the things that end up messing with me the most.

 

Right now I'm in a dark grey area. I don't know what to do. No contact helps and hurts at the same time.

 

I mean, I can call her up and be like, I need to talk to you, so make some time. And then without speaking about now, tell her how she made me feel then, the only reason being to help me finalize. But what about 6 months from now? What about my birthday? This crap is gonna hit me again and again until I take care of it, and as of right now I'm taking care, but it's not being taken care of.

[Jip]

Ditto.

 

the first time I saw my ex two weeks ago I was very drunk and we didn't speak but the texts started flying after he left the bar. I wasn't very nice to him - mostly because I'd bottled up my feelings of being replaced by the girl I got jealous about and the reason we finished (my mistrust) and who he is now seeing (Am I being really blind here?!) In any contact we'd had since the split I'd been as nice as pie to him so I don't think he knew I knew about her! He then came out with all this stuff about how he still didn't know what had happened between us, how he thought we had more than that and how HE was disappointed that I'd reacted the way I did that day - he never thought it would come to this. He also said that it would be difficult finding that 'click' again and when I must have mentioned the other girl (was v drunk so what I sent is a bit hazy) he replied 'Found somebody else?' like he hadn't. And all this nonsense that I was very wrong in thinking he had moved on so easily and didn't care and yet he barely ever keeps in touch... B/S!!! Guess all that really screwed me up again.

 

So I felt really bad about my behaviour then and have tried to arrange to meet up with him to sort it - we both haven't found the time as yet. But like you part of me wants to deal with all the crap once and for all - get angry etc and have the argument we never really had when we split - find out the truth - was I right about this girl all along given that he's seeing her now?!?!? How much he's hurt me and how yes we agreed to be friends when we split but that was before he started seeing her a week later!!! But then on another level I want to see him and be bright and breezy and make him see what he's missing and maybe given all this time and the dust settling a bit see if there's anything there - if he does miss me! Don't know whether to follow my heart or my head over this?! Doubt we'll ever get the meeting organised anyway since I haven't heard a peep in a week but would rather sort it before I see them together as a couple! ((Sorry that was long... venting I guess))

 

I know what you mean about their ghost - I find it hard to believe people can change - anytime I've left a boyfriend I've never told them I loved them etc - ie lead them up the garden path but here we both knew we loved each other so how can that end? I used to believe you fell in love for life if both parties felt the same. Guess our other halves were very deep and when the going got tough they bailed! Mine was a coward too made me end it or at least bring up the conversation cos of the way he started treating me - like I had the plague or something!

 

I think you, like me, need answers because we both thought we were getting to a stage where we were getting better then wham its come back to haunt us. I hate how I only remember the good stuff.. like our holiday a couple of days before it all kicked off. I think time will lessen this ... even though I'm blue its not half as bad as it was months back so I can only assume next time it hits me it will get less.

 

If you do have the conversation with her to let her know how she made you feel it will only be for you... explaining how she made you feel won't get her back... but I think you know and have accepted that so maybe this is the final thing you need to get the closure you desire?! Mind you I wonder if they will want to meet with us to get more of the guilt trip and the crap they've already dealt with and filed away laid out before them again. Sickening to know how easily they've moved on, isn't it? ( Although mine tried to tell me he hadn't moved on easily) I miss the old ghost of my ex v much - he made me so happy and to know he's like that with someone else is whats killing me!!! Sometimes for a very few brief seconds I think we're still together and its a nice feeling but its dillusional... what to do ... what to do????

 

Apologies for the rambling!!

[Cabras]

I feel am in such a similar situation.

 

I feel better about myself. I will get through this.

 

I feel even worse about not being with my ex. I think I am through with all this crying and longing for her to be back and then suddenly I just can't stop thinking about her.

 

The thing about her seeming different. Oh man, I talked to her on the phone Saturday. I regret it so much. Who was that I was talking to? I still check her web-site once in a while and she recently put some posts up about us and about how things are going. Her writing style isn't even the same. She is really cold and, well... almost bitchy sounding.

 

I am realizing there will probably be a time when I can tell her how she made me feel when we were together. This is not the time. By the time she is ready to hear it I may be so frustrated with her I don't even tell her.

 

Due to some um... I will call it research.. or you could call it snooping... I have some very strong insight into just how fragile she is under her outside appearance. She really believed that I didn't love her. It makes me think even more that at some point she will really question her decision to break things off with me.

 

My ex is seeing someone else, but it seems to be the ONLY way she could possibly leave me and not just jump right back. She even admitted to me right after the breakup that it just seemed easier to jump back into my arms and forget the whole breakup than to follow through with it.

 

6 months from now seems like forever. There is a lot that will happen in 6 months. Each big event that passes without her will be painful and then gone. Painful and then gone...

 

I hihesitate to describe what my ex did as using me. I try to put myself in her shoes, but remembering her personality and mine are different. I think that confusion is the best desription. If she was confused about us she had two basic choices. Stay with me and deal with it (she tried that and it wasn't working) break up with me and try something different (her current choice) She had to try it whole heartedly though. She can just as easily find out that that choice isn't working either.

 

I don't know how similar you'll find our situations, but you statement about progressing AND regressing sums up where I am at very very well.

[Jip]

Originally posted by Cabras

 

 

6 months from now seems like forever. There is a lot that will happen in 6 months. Each big event that passes without her will be painful and then gone. Painful and then gone...

 

 

So very true - anniversaries, xmas, birthdays, thngs we were going to do together he's now doing with someone else

[xxsilverdragonxx]

It was scary reading your posts and thinking...this is exactly how i feel. I really think all three of us need to add one another to our buddy list...maybe have a conversation about it over IM or something. I'm up for it.

[moon]

It's been about seven weeks since my ex cruely dumped me for another woman. My ex had a whole host of problems, so immediately after the break up I was able to say, "Ha...that new woman doesn't know what she's in for!!" Then I sort of waited for something to happen. I sort of waited for my ex to crawl back to me.....but hasn't happened yet.

 

So now I have been sort of saying to myself.....what if he and that other girl are more right for each other???? Was I just too critical of the guy? Did he just find faults in me that he isn't finding with this new girl? Then it started adding up a bit. Maybe my ex was right to move on? Maybe we were in fact wrong for each other? Ohh, tough pill to swallow.

 

I was having that little epiphany today. It almost made me feel better (????). So I think it's a process. We are constantly thinking different things every day about our break ups. I think the key is to not think too much at any one time.

 

I guess I am glad that I can find faults in my ex boyfriend (and I can see how our personalities didn't mix so well). This is helping me to recover. When I ask to myself would I be better off in ten years if my ex was still with me........I have a hard time answering yes to that.

 

I think it depends on your ex. If you were going out with Mr Wonderful, who seemed like a dream and then he broke up with you because you weren't right for him........WELL....you are probably going to feel like sh*t for a long time.

 

If you go out with a guy who you suspect might be lying to you, isn't the best boyfriend, who makes you doubt him and his intentions (but is incredible good looking and interesting) and then dumps you for another woman----well I think those relationships hurt the most in the beginning.......but maybe (????...don't know because tomorrow might be different) in the end they are easier to forget about. Like you tell yourself maybe you were conned into loving them in the first place. But I was with my ex on and off for four years, so technically I should be a basket case right now. Hum??? But I'm not. I am getting better every single day.

 

I hope it doesn't get worse as time goes on, though. But I sort of doubt it. I do love coming on here and writing about it and I am also in therapy.....so that might be helping, too. Plus everyone I know knows about my break up and I am staying with my family right now.....so all the ingredients are there for a speedy recovery. I have had break ups when I was off traveling or working non stop and just couldn't get over the break up because I didn't have time to think about it or I didn't have that safe place (friends, home) to fall back on. I think there are a lot of elements that can help you get over a break up. You should do your best to help yourself have the smoothest recovery....i.e. talk to friends about it, no contact, therapy, psych books to help you understand how you are feeling, writing lots, going home....etc. Giving yourself time to heal basically.

 

I still have moments in my day when I feel bad. Most of all I miss the friendship of my ex. But what can I do??? I guess I must move on. I haven't dated at all since the break up....I think it helps to keep yourself free and unattached for a while.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Last night after work I called up a longtime buddy of mine, and we went out for some drinking. Now this was a work night, and I had to get up early this morning, but I still stayed out late.

 

It was fun while we were out, and not once did the ex pop into my head. For some reason it usually doesn't WHILE i'm drinking/socializing. But sure enough, when I got home,(all my concentration was driving home at the speed limit), I sloppily got ready for bed, and as soon as I hit the pillow, I get slammed with all these racing thoughts about....well, just about anything related to my life right now. And I know it all stems from one source, the ending of my relationship. Now here's where I feel like I am eventually going to really lose it. I know that my relationship is no more. My mind has been made up to know that there is probably no chance of ever getting to hold my ex in my arms again. It seems like my heart is the last remaining fortress of solitude for my ex, her ghost, my memories, and the swath of little needles that feel they should constantly provide me pain.

 

So when it came again this morning when I woke up, I got pretty angry. I just don't feel like I care anymore about this. I hate the way my mind and heart dis-interact. I hope I make some sense. My mind logically accepts the ended relationship, but my heart is so torn and cut up that it takes control, and leads me down paths I know don't need to be treaded.

 

It's all bothering me so much I don't even feel the desire to pursue my own thoughts, because I'm starting to distrust every single thing that pops into my head. By now you guys probably think I need therapy asap, but when I stop talking about it when it bothers me, thats when I'll check in to the looney bin.

 

You know, I try to take it one day at a time, but nothing seems to change, except the fact that the facts get more and more distorted the longer this goes, and it already feels like sometimes I'm a delusional mess.

[Jip]

Hi Silverdragon

 

Can't get IM on this comp as I'm at work - dag nammit.

 

Yeah its weird how your head and your heart can't work as a team and help you get throught this. My heart pines and hangs onto any bit of hope that he'll come back etc and constantly rakes up old memories but is bitterly disappointed everytime my head turns round and tells it - its over, move on!! So its a constant yo-yo as to what to think and feel. I sent my x a whole lot of messages last night after seing him the night before and got a lot off my chest - think I needed to do that. Have explained soberly today that it needed to be done and maybe with all that said we can maybe have a friendship at some point but haven't heard a peep today. He claims to be disappointed that we don't speak etc yet its me making all the contact......... I just can't win anymore.

 

Hope you manage to have a good weekend. x

[Faye04]

Just like it took time for the relationship to build, it is going to take time for you to be completely over your ex-love. Especially around the holidays, we tend to get a little lonely and depress. But the good thing about it is that it does not last. Continue going out and meeting new exciting people. It going to take time.

[debs]

[font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]

I can relate with all of you!

 

It has been 9 months now and my divorce was final Nov 2004.

 

Your mind tells you one thing but your heart is still torn. Grief has no time table.

I am headed to the Y for a nice workout.

 

Just be good to yourself, skip the self destructive behavior it really serves no purpose when your heart is healing.

 

Acceptance is the hardest part of letting go. But know in time you do accept and go on!

 

Best Wishes

[debs]

If this will help others I use it to refer to when I think I am on the edge of loosing it!

 

http://www.coping.org/loss/stages.htm

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I've posted about this before, but since this thread feels like my most current place, I'll relate some from another thread.

 

I wanted to do something for my ex for Christmas. Getting a sappy card or an actual gift wouldn't be the right thing, seeing how she is currently seeing someone. So I went to hallmark and picked out a card that pretty much said what I wanted, and all I was thinking about doing was signing my name. I still feel like this is something I should do, as in I am committed to giving her something. I really don't mind if she doesn't respond to the card in any way. I would hope she would think something of me during the holidays, but I'm not expecting anything back.

 

I guess the thing thats bothering me still is the fact that she doesn't feel the need to contact me. I have been strictly playing by the rules of NC, and haven't spoken to her in about 3 months. I guess maybe I'm still not ready to accept the fact that she doesn't want to talk. I do however accept the breakup.

 

I thought I knew her very well, so thats why it's hard to understand why she hasn't tried to contact me, if nothing else to know I still existed. But thats her decision, and it just shows more and more to me of her true self, and it speaks volumes. But I don't know who is placing more distance between us; me with the NC, or her bottling everything up and jumping to a new bf and lifestyle. Deep down I think there is probably still feelings for me somewhere...she has just locked them away. Thats my only hope, and i'm not banking on it.

 

Even though I feel used, and knowing that she doesn't want to communicate with me, and that there is someone else in her life, I STILL FEEL CONNECTED to her, through some deeper way.

 

I guess my question is:

 

Should I just continue the way I'm going, or should I try to make this Christmas a time to break no-contact and tell her a few things I never got to say? Limited Christmas contact, or a special Christmas contact? She broke up with me a few weeks before Halloween, so I know it hasn't been long enough for either of us to sort through our mess. To me, she is blocking it all from her mind, jumping into a new relationship and all that jazz, while I'm trying to get my thoughts together so I can learn from this experience, and not have it haunt me.

 

Thanks again to everyone making an attempt to help me find some peace.

[Jip]

Well Silverdragon... I made contact in a big way last week and again at the weekend - basically I wanted to say a few things as things had happened after we split that got to me - IE he started seeing the girl I got jealous over and I couldn't bite my tongue anymore after seeing them together. I really do want to be friends with this guy but the hurt gets in the way. So I wanted him to explain a few things to me I suppose - not that he's under any obligation to do so and hopefully we could stay friends after it was out in the open. I had to do this over text though because he has been v reluctant to see me - maybe because he's quite cowardly like that... or because he thinks I'm going to go off on one or because he's with someone else now and doesn't want to rock the boat!!?? Who knows...

 

Anyway my point is ( and yes I do have one) I do feel a bit better for having said whats on my mind as I have been pussyfooting around and trying to be nice to him and my tongues sore from all that biting!! However, I think I probably pushed hime even further away if thats possible although we were kinda getting to a nice level at last contact on Saturday night. He basically doesn't want to meet me because he doesn't know what to say - or so he says.

 

So my advice would be - if you're not trying to win her back but merely trying to sort yourself out and get a few things off your chest that are eating away at you then go for it... However, I do realise this may be different for everyone but that contact helped me!

 

However, if you feel like contact may throw you back into the myre again then for god's sake don't! You've built up a lot of strength and an ex resistant wall by the sounds of it would be a shame to ruin the good work,....its possibly only the festive season that is making you want to do this - memories of last yr etc!! ( And she hasn't given you any contact - mine did sort of) I had never fully gotten back onto my feet so this contact has helped ( although only had a max of 3 wks NC at any given time) And I intend to send him a xmas card ( may be inappropriate who knows) because I do care about this guy and I want him to know it.... how can you not after an intense relationship! I wish him well, I really do even if he has hurt me and I've resented him for it - things happen and I guess I'm starting to realise that. He was only doing what his heart and head told him to ... just as I am now!!

 

I'm sorry thats probably not very helpful.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Originally posted by Jip

Well Silverdragon...

 

I really do want to be friends with this guy but the hurt gets in the way.

 

 

So my advice would be - if you're not trying to win her back but merely trying to sort yourself out and get a few things off your chest that are eating away at you then go for it...

 

However, if you feel like contact may throw you back into the myre again then for god's sake don't! You've built up a lot of strength and an ex resistant wall by the sounds of it would be a shame to ruin the good work,....

 

And I intend to send him a xmas card ( may be inappropriate who knows) because I do care about this guy and I want him to know it.... how can you not after an intense relationship! I wish him well, I really do even if he has hurt me and I've resented him for it - things happen and I guess I'm starting to realise that. He was only doing what his heart and head told him to ... just as I am now!!

 

I'm sorry thats probably not very helpful.

 

i feel exactly the same.

 

I'm sending the christmas card. Its a nice card. I'd feel like a complete fool not getting her at least that. There may be a chance she gets me something. Doubtful, but I could see a card from her. I'll just wait and see what happens. If I do something stupid, at least I can tell myself I tried to do something, even though inappropriate or stupid.

 

Tonight I have to make a trip to her house. Her Father and me have a business relationship, and I have to go over there sometimes once a week. But I never see her, nor do I know if she is there. I'm sure she has been in the house a few times when I was with her dad, but she never came out to say hello, and she did that all the time when I was over there(family friends etc.) So tonight it will be the usual. By the time I get over there it will be close to the time she would be getting off work. So I might run into her. I'm not going over there to catch a glimpse, but if she is there and wants to talk and is responsive, I'll talk to her about christmas among other things.

 

If she isn't there or doesn't "appear", I'll talk to her dad and get our stuff done, then I'll be out the door. This might be the last time I see them before christmas maybe...I dunno guess we'll just have to wait an see....

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Ended up not going over there. Don't know why. Just didn't have the motivation. I keep asking myself why should I care about these stupid feelings and what I should do with them. They certainly aren't helping me be any happier regarding the ex and breakup.

 

Maybe if she would have literally ripped my heart out instead of verbally doing it, I think I'd be in a better mood.

[Jip]

Yeah physical hurt is so much less cruel than emotional and it heals quicker I think!!

 

I know what you mean surely having been hurt we would be able to just walk away from it all but it leaves you with unanswered questions.... no one likes being rejected especially by someone who claimed to have loved them. I'd give anything to be in his position... moved on and happy with someone else ( or so it seems but I pray its all a facade and he's just doing it because he is lonely)

 

Think all I want now is after having gotten it all off my chest to sit and have a normal conversation with him and for him to see that 3 months on I'm calmer now and getting on with things rather than the wreck he remembers back in Sept!

 

I hope you find a way to get some peace before xmas... I absolutely adore xmas time but this year I just don't have the heart for it.... should perk up my ideas though as it is a time for loved ones and my family and friends who have been there for me deserve to see the old happy Jip over the festive season. In the words of the song

Smile, tho' your heart is aching,

Smile, even tho' it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky,

You'll get by

If you smile

Through your fears and sorrow

Smile ~ and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you.

 

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear

May be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile ~ what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you'll just smile.

 

I heard this song again recently and the sentiment really is beautiful!

[mischafan160]

Oh, I love that song! Nat King Cole...it warms my heart

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Seems fate doesn't want me running into my ex. Or I could say fate is waiting for the opportune time. But sometimes people can use "fate" as a false-hope deal, and I'm not very superstitous.

 

anyways. went to her house last night to conduct a business transaction with her father, who I really really like. And he thinks highly of me too, because he basically told me before in his own way that he 100 percent approved me being with his daughter. Now maybe thats a red flag for some people, as in, getting along with the parents, especially since I'm a guy, and thats not the norm. But I like them, and they adore me in ways, so its cool.

 

I was in a great mood when I went over to the house. I talked and laughed a little, even the mom gave me a hug and used her "genuine" smile while I was present. Now my ex's parents still respect me, maybe even more now. They made sure their house dog didn't attack me when I left(he's prone to do that to anyone). By my manner of attention, I tried to show them I was doing ok, and I think they picked up on it. I think my visit last night made them happy, because unless they are busy, they usually talk to me until I start moving towards the door.

 

I think going over to the house is helping, but I can only go when I am up for it. For the past few days I've been wanting to contact my ex, and last night she had left a little before I got there to run some errands. No biggy. But going over to the house seems to be theraputic? to me. I conduct my business, talk a little, then leave.

 

I had a stupid dream this involving my ex. One thing thats wierd is that I'm actually crying in my dream, and I don't ever recall doing that before. Then again, sometimes when IT gets bad for me, I feel like crying and sometimes do. Does this mean I trully within my heart still love her? I don't know. But at this moment I feel ok being without her. When I get crazy ideas I try to think on them longer, so I don't do something stupid like call her when i'm drunk and yell....or write a stupid letter.

 

As far as christmas plans, I'm still sending the card. It's kinda personal, but the only thing I will have written will be my name. Its more of a "thinking of you at the holidays" type card, but no lovey stuff; again, im not dumb, but I get nervous as hell if something happens that I'm not expecting. Thats why I can't just go an talk to her, I don't know how I would react, I dunno what would come out of my mouth, and I don't know but it could easily cause me a panic attack.

 

thanks for trudging through this non-sensical mess. You don't realize how much you can touch someone with your words or advice.

[Jip]

Not non-sensical at all - its just what needs to be said - thats what here is for. Our heads would burst otherwise with the thoughts that whirl in them if we did not let it out!

 

Think you're doing better than I am with the whole no contact thing!! I can't even seem to manage that because I still need to iron a few things out before I can walk away but he won't meet me to let me do that and when we see each other in public its too difficult for both of us with an audience watching!! There was a lot of gossip about us before we split and that caused a lot of the problems!! So we end up not speaking and then sending texts about a day later (usually me that starts that). I think NC is easier on the soul.... out of sight allegedlyout of mind!! Just pray you never see her with someone else! Its the most surreal thing you'll ever see - you just want to go over and act as normal but somethings stopping you! Like someone pulling you back with invisible string or something!! Maybe its pride or hurt who knows.

 

I had an ex where it was harder splitting from the family than him... they were so lovely! Your visits at tleast seem to be soothing you to some extent but maybe its just being in a place you associate with her!

 

I wish I could help you more - seems like we've hit our relapses at a similar time - xmas effect no doubt.

 

You take care til next time x

[debs]

Silverdragon,

 

*sigh* I too will remain as I was with my EXH mother. Although it is long distance she lives in Aiea, HI. He lives now oh 45 minutes away with his 21yr old.

 

It makes me cry even after 9 months and the divorce as I have said was Nov 2004. I will remain his mothers #1 daughter-in-law aka her daughter she never had. No one will or can take that from Momma and I!! We do keep it seperate from him and her and we have a genuine relationship not just based on him!

 

Do I still wish we would get back? Oh that is a toughie he left me for a 21yr old co-worker. Yes I love the man unconditionally but that is why I let him go to her. He proved to me he genuinely loves her!! Although I am very hurt still I will live through it since this is not my first time! I just want to get through this year then look for ward to my trips to Colordo and back to Hawaii!!!!

 

There is the age difference of him and I also. I am 49 he is 35! And yes I knew better. He convienced me it made no difference since he never wanted children etc etc.

 

So blah on the holdiays, being a nurse I will work all of them and just try to enjoy New Years eve. I am rambling now! Time to get dressed for work and get moving!

 

Take care and I give this one special wish to each of you! Peace and Healthy mental out look for the New Years!

 

All of you really are great ppl on here and it helps me work through my doubts by reading!

[mischafan160]

I agree with debs, everyone on this board are such nice people, always offering each other support or advice...it really makes me wonder why all of our ex's were stupid enough to leave us. Maybe nice people really do finish last.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Originally posted by mischafan160

I agree with debs, everyone on this board are such nice people, always offering each other support or advice...it really makes me wonder why all of our ex's were stupid enough to leave us. Maybe nice people really do finish last.

 

 

I just know that being respectful, caring, honest, loving, endearing, compassionate, and trustworthy are ALL qualities that are as rare in people as diamonds. I have to take pride in myself because these qualities are those that myself and many other people here have. I don't know about the nice people finishing last....what is it we are trying to finish?

 

Anyways, my ex's christmas card is in the mail. I know I'm making a big deal about the card, but it has never meant as much to me now, as it has before. I'm lost to say what I want to happen with the card. I don't care anymore whether or not she is thinking about me, especially during the holidays. I could really care less what she does with it. Reads it once, sees my name, thinks for a minute, and then tosses it. I don't care. Like that is going to cause ANY more hurt. Geez. The good part is, I think, now I said I think, that I've more or less moved on more, which just simply means I care not for resuming the previous relationship I had with my ex. Now that doesn't mean I don't love her anymore, nor does it mean I don't want to break everything around me into tiny pieces at any given time.

 

I feel like whats bothering me is me. My thoughts and memories are what torture me the most, because now I can look back and evaluate how certain situations played out in our finale. And then i'm conflicted about dwelling on those issues, because I could work on my faults(in order to have a stronger bond), but I believe she couldn't just because of who she is. Now someones gonna tell me that if I have to think about all the things I needed to do then and how much work it needed to grow; than its probably a good indication "things" weren't meant to be. I haven't totally accepted that part as of yet, but its one of the ideas that keeps me sane. I think thats why initially after the breakup I felt like I was free again. But I didn't think for christmas i'd be having panic attacks about giving her a stupid hallmark card with my name attached.

 

In closure, hehe, I will keep posting on this thread, and even when I am the only one posting(getting close!!!), I'll still lay down my thoughts in the sole attempt to find happiness within myself, so that later on I can look back and see how far I've come.

 

I'm trying to keep my head up, and to everyone else, even if its only JIP , keep your head up too.

[debs]

SilverDragon

 

*sigh* yes you are so right we are our own worst enemies aren't we!?

 

Turn of the old brain you can speculate and wish and hope but I am sorry most will never see us as the true thing! We are loving responsible and caring individuals who love deeply.

 

Although your situation is far different from mine. I know the pain and hell your living in! lmao Experienced/Experiencing it first hand still after 9 months!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I hate this I truly do......

 

It does get better you do survive it but that choice is yours to make!

Have a great day ppl!!!

 

Time for a nice sweat at the Y. Will check back before I wander over to work!