What the hell am I doing?

[GreenCap]

Like dancing, you go two steps forward and one step back. Broke up 3 months ago but still feeling the pain and loneliness and she on the otherhand found "the one" and appears to marry this guy. It is somewhat of an ego thing how our three years together I was not able to give her what she needed and this guy could in such a short time. I keep thinking she is on the rebound but doesn't appear to be as she seem to be willing to relocate to another country to be with him coz "I think it is worth it."

 

I think it is right; if you want closure and move on - take some time off then call back to settle unfinished business. If you want her back, no contact is the best. You will feel even worse than you have already if you break no contact and want her back. Look at me: Wanted to plead my case after no contact for a couple of weeks and she found happiness with another person.

 

Part of me wants to curse them to high heavan and see her come back slinking to me but I love her so much, I can't help thinking if she is happy with this bloke, I should let her go lead her life and not be a cancer in her future. What am I suppose to do without her, now that I have been loving her so long :-(

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Greencap,

 

Knowing they are happy without you has to be the biggest pain of all. Especially when they tell you. BUT!!!! That could be a defense mechanism for them. Or it could mean that they are truly happy. Either way, and even though i've thought different, THAT fact alone, that she is happy NOW, WITHOUT ME, is one big reason why I don't try to interfere with HER life. My ex told me she was happy with the new guy that replaced me. Since I haven't heard anything from her, even though I've been over to the house many times, I assume she is still happy with her new relationship. I HAVE to beat it in my head until I hear otherwise from her. Thats just how it goes.....

 

I don't want to be a thorn or cancer as you put it. All that will lead to is fighting, cops being called out and so forth.

 

 

So we in the same boat man. Right now I'm up, but this morning I was down. It's driving me crazy.

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by GreenCap

What am I suppose to do without her, now that I have been loving her so long :-(

 

Hehe, channelling Michael Bolton? "Tell me how am I supposed to live without you, now that I've been loving you sooooo long?"

 

It is really hard to see your ex being so happy without you. Part of me wonders if when we were together he felt trapped and now that he is free, he is able to feel happy...but I always thought that being together made him happy. I'd like to talk to him about this and get some answers, but...I have to maintain what little self respect I have left, and make it appear like my life is happier now too. Better yet, I would like my life to actually BE happier now.

[GreenCap]

When men acquire something, they never get only what they desire and nothing more; when men reject something, they never rid themselves only of what they hate and nothing more. Therefore, when men act, it must be on the basis of some scale or standard. If a balance is not properly adjusted, then heavy objects will rise in the air and men will suppose they are light, and light objects will sink down so that men suppose they are heavy. Hence men become deluded as to the true weight of the objects.

 

Similarly, if men 's standards are not correct, then misfortune may come in the guise of what they desire, and they will construe it as good fortune, or good fortune may come in the guise of what they hate and they will mistake it for misfortune. In this way, men become deluded as to the true nature of good and bad fortune. The Way is the proper standard for past and present. He who departs from the Way and makes arbitrary choices on the basis of his own judgement does not understand wherein fortune and misfortune lie.

 

So, is her leaving a blessing in disguise. Sure doesn't feel like it. So stop contacting her, do well, and prove to her she made a mistake. But she would have left the country and would not care less if I lived or died. Yes, perhaps the hurt has turned into an ego thing - I can survive without you and do better - but how the hell am I suppose to rub it in her face. What if she did better, how would I feel then - worse?

 

Rationality is not coming to me yet, I want to embrace this despair I am in for I don't want to sweep it under a rug for it come bite me in the ass in future. This is hard.....have to run away somewhere......the few beers I downed just now sure is helping. Bottoms UP mates!

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I've learned more about myself. More self-reflection.

 

It's a little too early to have gotten a response from the christmas card I sent to my ex. Sending the card, even though it was a nice one, made me feel more distant and closed from her than ever before. I sent it through the mail instead of giving it to her face to face. So maybe the card has helped somewhat in the closure, but aside from that, I'm still wondering What The Hell Am I Doing.

 

Since the breakup, I've used everything in my power to at least cope. I'm trying to open new avenues. Now that it seems my mind more logically accepts things, my heart sometimes gets to me. I went to a party a good ways from my town this weekend, and while it was somewhat fun, I had a hard time sleeping. When I can't fall asleep, I usually think of one minor detail of my past, and then it gets twisted. And then it starts spiraling downward, and I can feel my heart sink. This has happened quite a few times, where I'll be trying to sleep, either in the morning or night, and my eyes are closed and nothing is with me but empty thoughts, destructive ideas, emotional turmoil, whatever. When I got a clearer head, I began to wonder why my life is in the shape it is.

 

And what I came up with shocked me immensely, because I believed this suffering of mine was in direct correlation with my ex, and all the events that transpired. But now I think that situation is a part of a larger cause-and-effect problem that I have.

 

My problem, from what I have surmised, is that I seek Validation of my life through others. Thats why I can fit into many groups without being a main part of the group. I sought and thought I had found this validation with my ex, and I did it not knowing that it would cause a rift that would end the relationship a year and 2 months later. But it wasn't my fault entirely, because like I said, I know I was the more caring one in the relationship. But because of my problems, I do believe it did influence somewhat the reasons behind my ex breaking up with me, and I feel bad about myself for not recognizing the problem(s) sooner.

 

I was searching on Amazon for books about relationships and whatnot, and came across a few that I think will help me realize and maybe correct these small issues that I've had for a long time.

 

What I basically realized, and maybe this can help some other guys on here, is that the "nice guy" syndrome is what I suffer from, and it might take some explaining, but I've learned a few things about this behavior that actually counteracts the whole idealogy behind being a nice guy. I'll get to that in a new thread I do believe.

 

Sooooo, What I am focusing on from now until whenever is self improvement. I've done it before during depressing times, but now I feel the need more than ever, especially after what I've realized about myself in the last couple of months. I'll still be dealing with my ex in my mind, I know that has a few hundred more posts or so before i'll be over it for good . If you think about the pain you are in right now, and realize above EVERYTHING else that it is all about progressing into something new, YOU WILL be better in the long run. It will take time, but you'll be able to look back and feel better about yourself when you see how far you come and what kind of person you have grown into. Trust me on that one.

 

If I would have known a long time ago that I was validating my life through my ex, or any person for that matter, I would have been the one who ended the relationship a long time ago the first time she really hurt me. But because I sought validation from her and others, I TRAPPED myself into a doomed situation and I had no way of stopping it from destroying everything.

 

I feel like I'm writing a book here....