- my cousin is about to marry Mr. Scarypants

[jwizzle]

My 38 year old cousin is a professional, college educated woman, single mom with 3 daughters. She has worked as a software developer for an international company for the past 15 years. About FIVE weeks ago, she met this seedy guy and now they are engaged. She told me that the dude had a rough childhood and a domestic violence incident in 2011 (he punched baby mama in her face for talking mess about his kids) and a assault with deadly weapon (he tried to run someone over with his car after he punched baby mama). She is told me he is 48, has worked off an on as a cook and construction worker, and has no car or bank account.

He told her he is a reformed man and is a Christian.

 

I am a court clerk, so I told her based on what she told me I was going to look him up.

 

I found that he was arrested 16 times since 2004. Charges include another domestic violence in 2004 (for punching girlfriend with closed fist in her face), driving while suspended, controlled substance possession, multiple stints in jail, restraining orders, several contempt of courts, and probation violation. I also found he was just arrested in May 2013 for disorderly conduct. I also found that he has 4 outstanding ACTIVE warrants since 2006 in another state.

 

I told my cousin about my findings and forwarded police reports and his mugshot. He looks like a skinhead and has grim reaper tattoos all over his body. I also told my aunt (her mom) and her sister because dude is scary. They are upset

 

My cousin's reaction to my information was very disturbing to say the least. She completely flipped out on me stating she never wants to see me again, that he is reformed, I am judgemental and jealous of her relationship with him because I am loser that has never been married. She said she will hate me forever if he gets arrested for his warrants. She said she knew about his entire past all along (which I think is a lie).

 

My stance is that if he is reformed and a Christian like he claims, he would have addressed the 4 warrants several years ago

 

Why am I the bad guy here??? I don't understand the cycle of abusive relationships and why she is protecting him.

Edited October 17, 2013 by jwizzle
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[acrosstheuniverse]

I know you're looking out for your cousin, and this dude sounds seriously bad news. But as you'll know if you've ever been in love or infatuation or a relationship yourself, nothing anybody can say will dissuade you from what your heart wants. That's why so many of us stay with people who blatantly disrespect us, abuse us, cheat on us, are cheating on their partners with us, who stall us, who don't want to commit when we do, etc...

 

I think you did the right thing in providing her with this information (although, isn't it a breach of conduct at your job?! I know when I've worked in sensitive places like banks or prisons that if I'd have looked somebody's information up for a personal reason with no proof that it was for a business matter that'd be serious misconduct). But now, you can do nothing. You stand back, let her know you love her and will support whatever decision she makes.. the harder you try and fight against this, the harder she'll fight back.

 

Plus, if it all goes wrong, she'll know she can count on your support. If she knows you're vehemently against this, and that you don't want any part of it, she'll be less likely to feel that she can confide in you if she needs to. You may of course not want to help her mop up the mess afterwards, but just in case you do.

[jwizzle]

I still don't understand why I became the bad guy. By the way she lashed out at me, you'd think I was the criminal. Its very upsetting

[FitChick]

How old are her three daughters? That is a potential nightmare. Perhaps you could take them aside and in a general manner tell them about appropriate touching, who is allowed to touch them or see them naked. Not anyone calling himself "Dad."

 

I think this guy is just looking for a free place to stay and will have excuses for why he isn't working. Ask her why she doesn't have a long engagement, say for a year, because does she want to be divorced again?

 

A woman with three kids has a very tiny dating pool. Is your cousin unattractive? She sounds lonely and desperate.

 

Tell her not to get pregnant because then he will have his hooks into her.

Edited October 18, 2013 by FitChick

[jwizzle]

daughters are 15, 16, and 19. The 19 year old is also 3 months pregnant. The guy lives in Kansas and my cousin lives in Nebraska. She is moving him in next month and they plan to marry him new years eve (dec 2013). She is paying for the move and the wedding and his legal expenses for past crimes. Yet I am the villain here!

 

I have no idea why the rush to get married. After week two, she said he was "the one." To me, the guy is downright scary and looks like a methhead in need of a bath.

Edited October 18, 2013 by jwizzle

[rach63]

Some people are extremely protective of their reality and anyone who attempts to amend or dissolve that reality with facts or logic or the elusive phenomenon known as common sense will always be the bad guy. Hopefully your "told ya so" moment isn't at her funeral.

[todreaminblue]

you have told her, she isnt going to listen to you i dont think its fair that you are being looked at as a bad guy, but, what you did do, wasnt right really,you invaded privacy, you did it with the very best intentions obviously ...you cant make her change her mind if she thinks this guy is reformed then that is on her......you have to let your fully grown woman friend make her own decisions, no one else can make them for her, not you, not anyone....if she is your friend, be there for her ......and be there to support her if it doesnt work out...dont try and tell her what to do as far as who she loves goes,she wont listen and it will put strain on your friendship ..........good luck...deb

[Titania22]

This is very upsetting. Perhaps let your nieces know that your door is always open to them.

 

This way you aren't saying anything directly negative to them, but if they end up needing to escape they know they have a place to go. Your cousin has chosen her path, and her daughters have very little control over that, but if it does go bad, the daughters deserve to opportunity to not also be victims.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You must be a guy, if not I'm baffled...you can't show or prove anything to a woman who is emotionally invested with a guy, she's always going to think he's different and that she knows best....she's going to take the things he's done as gold and try to lock out the past or anything else that is sketchy...she wants to believe he's changed and is a new man because that's what she tells herself, she's intentionally and willingly ignoring all of those details, if she was concerned it would have raised bells initially and she might be coming to you instead of the other way around.

 

At any rate, you just gave her more than she could handle and process...she's intentionally trying to block that out, she wants to believe in this "reformation", she will dismiss it...past is the past crap, it's how people get away with doing things they don't want to take responsibility for, it's easier to just sweep them under a rug of the past, and people actually buy that crap...without actually doing any of the work, it's just like supposed to magically change with time because of a few good gestures, and the facade people put on is convincing enough, especially to women that are emotionally invested that don't understand men anyway, "how could this man do this? I could never see him doing that! he would never do that to me, I trust him...he has changed".

 

Personally I'd go directly to the guy if anything, but I'm a confrontational person and I'd let him know that he should think real hard about sticking around...I know, many might not like intimidation but men are typically more understanding and rational than women are...they can get why you're doing what you're doing, and tell him you're going to be watching over him like a hawk just waiting for him to make a mistake.

 

A lot of men are users and take advantage of vulnerability, much in which women can't fend off....your cousin obviously has some issues or she wouldn't even be considering this guy, personally though I wouldn't mind being hated because I'm thinking about the children, this is not a guy I want around them...if she wants to go f@ck up her life like a young 20 something with a "reformed bad boy" let her go do that dumb shet on her own...but those kids if living at home still, are only going to be in jeopardy with a guy like that living in the house...the guy has a history of abuse and recklessness, not something personally I'd tolerate around someone who is close to me/family.

 

At the end of the day you can't stop her, you won't stop her....realize I'm saying her, not him. You'll fight a losing battle, and guess what? she'll actually be confused and just hurt if he does mess up, and he does hurt her....but by then it'll be too late, most women will just stick around since they don't know what love is anyway. You have to realize, a lot of her issues are from the past and she's passing them right onto her daughters, it's not a surprise one of them is already pregnant...as much as you may want to intervene, as a whole it's too late, the dye is cast, all you can do is react and respond to situations that you know about and try to get this guy out of the picture...but the reality is, the harder you try to push him away the harder she'll hang onto him...it's just the way it is.

[emva07]

seems like she is desperate to get re-married and will have nobody tell her otherwise.

 

Even if he does abuse her....she will probably keep it to herself.

 

I'm scared for the girls! Please tell them that at any signs of ANYTHING they feel uncomfortable with to come to you! I would not trust a guy like this near my children, esp female children. ....but she is blinded by her thirst for a man.

 

People like this use God as a joke....to make people believe they are reformed but they are not. It's a way to hide their true identity. Everything they do is in the name of the lord. It's pathetic and blasphemous.

 

He is already living off of your sister and loving it, he knows it will be a nice road of mooching ahead and your sister doesn't care because it means having a man by her side.

 

So sad....I know deep inside she knows you are right but is in denial. All I can say is be there for your nieces, they shouldn't have to suffer because of their mother's bad decisions.

 

I hope this doesn't end in tragedy.

[jwizzle]

I am a female, not a man. I don't feel I invaded my cousin's privacy because she is the one who partially disclosed his criminal backgroun. Her sister was with me and we both said we would check his background. My cousin said fine - but probably didn't expect what I found.

 

I am very upset.

[jwizzle]

Even if he does abuse her....she will probably keep it to herself.

 

People like this use God as a joke....to make people believe they are reformed but they are not. It's a way to hide their true identity. Everything they do is in the name of the lord. It's pathetic and blasphemous.

 

I fully agree with you. I was thinking yesterday that even if he did abuse her - she would never admit it. I am not religious at all. My family is so I was very angry that someone was using God as a means of getting closer to my cousin (she is not my sister).

 

She said he loves her and will do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

I initially wrote this post because I am upset because I am the bad guy. I realize there is nothing I can do. I am not in the business of controlling others.

 

I wished her luck and left it alone. She reacted to me with so much hate and sided with the sociopath saying he is the love of her life. smh.

[Lokie]

jwizzle, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It must be excruciating to watch someone you love step into suspected danger. Also, it sucks that she said nasty words to you about being jealous and a loser because you are not married. However, her "insults" to you are also very telling.

 

If she feels that people who are not married are losers, then her value system says to her that SHE is a loser because she is not married. If she's feeling like a loser, and dude comes along, he doesn't really have to say much to have her feel like he is her ticket out of "loserville." If her self esteem was higher, this would not be the case.

 

People can say "the heart wants what the heart wants," but to me, it is a far too simplistic statement about romantic attachment. I think a more accurate quote could be, "the heart is easily fooled and swayed by the words one wants to hear in order to save them from the pathetic beings they believe they are deep down inside." Not quite as romantic, huh?

 

We are all responsible for our own choices, even when they connect us up to questionable people. This is her path, her journey. And hopefully it will bring her to a place of understanding her worth and learning how to take her blinders off and take care of herself and her kids.

 

Hang in there.

[CrazyAlex]

You should have a family intervention or something, don't want your cousin to end up a story on Nancy Grace...

[jwizzle]

@Cheeksss - I informed her of my findings and she flipped out. I have had no contact with her since and plan on never speaking to her again about this topic. It would be very counterproductive and would push her further into the relationship.

 

So, I completely agree with you.

 

I have no regrets about telling her. Her reaction broke my heart and felt like a kick in the stomach.

 

I would rather inform someone than not. I think this is a catch-22 situation. She is mad because I informed her and would be mad if I didn't.

 

I am going to let this situation cool off for a few months. I just did understand her reaction.

[crederer]

Well I have to say that of all the stories you hear about bad boyfriends or red flags this one has to be at the top of the list.

 

You tried your best. The reality is she's going to have to learn the hard way, and she probably will.

 

I'd just apologize to her and let you know you were just worried about her and hope you can patch up your relationship. Then after that I don't think there's much you can do.

 

Five weeks....16 arrests.....domestic abuse....running someone ever in a car.......Jesus Christ.

[Skyraider829]

My 38 year old cousin is a professional, college educated woman, single mom with 3 daughters. She has worked as a software developer for an international company for the past 15 years. About FIVE weeks ago, she met this seedy guy and now they are engaged. She told me that the dude had a rough childhood and a domestic violence incident in 2011 (he punched baby mama in her face for talking mess about his kids) and a assault with deadly weapon (he tried to run someone over with his car after he punched baby mama). She is told me he is 48, has worked off an on as a cook and construction worker, and has no car or bank account.

He told her he is a reformed man and is a Christian.

 

I am a court clerk, so I told her based on what she told me I was going to look him up.

 

I found that he was arrested 16 times since 2004. Charges include another domestic violence in 2004 (for punching girlfriend with closed fist in her face), driving while suspended, controlled substance possession, multiple stints in jail, restraining orders, several contempt of courts, and probation violation. I also found he was just arrested in May 2013 for disorderly conduct. I also found that he has 4 outstanding ACTIVE warrants since 2006 in another state.

 

I told my cousin about my findings and forwarded police reports and his mugshot. He looks like a skinhead and has grim reaper tattoos all over his body. I also told my aunt (her mom) and her sister because dude is scary. They are upset

 

My cousin's reaction to my information was very disturbing to say the least. She completely flipped out on me stating she never wants to see me again, that he is reformed, I am judgemental and jealous of her relationship with him because I am loser that has never been married. She said she will hate me forever if he gets arrested for his warrants. She said she knew about his entire past all along (which I think is a lie).

 

My stance is that if he is reformed and a Christian like he claims, he would have addressed the 4 warrants several years ago

 

Why am I the bad guy here??? I don't understand the cycle of abusive relationships and why she is protecting him.

 

This is a huge red flag for your cousin. This can and probably will turn to the downside.

 

No offense to your sister, but where is this woman's rationale? Did it take a vacation somewhere ever since she met this guy? Does she have any consideration for her daughter's safety knowing full-well what this D-bag's legal history is? You need to talk some sense into this woman or someone else needs to.

 

I hope she can view her situation more objectively.

[jwizzle]

This is a huge red flag for your cousin. This can and probably will turn to the downside.

 

No offense to your sister, but where is this woman's rationale? Did it take a vacation somewhere ever since she met this guy? Does she have any consideration for her daughter's safety knowing full-well what this D-bag's legal history is? You need to talk some sense into this woman or someone else needs to.

 

I hope she can view her situation more objectively.

 

It is my cousin, not sister. Clearly, my cousin has flipped her lid by even considering this guy. She obviously is selfish and doesn't care what potential danger this guy presents. Unfortunately, when you warn people when they dating someone crazy, it does no good to warn. She loves him and isn't talking to the rest of us right now. I plan on never speaking to her about him again.

[FitChick]

I hope he doesn't take out a life insurance policy on her. He'll keep the money and her house and kick the daughters out. Or worse, let them stay with him.

[jwizzle]

Well, my cousin decided that the whole family is evil and judgemental (ironically there are several lawyers and two criminal court judges in our family). So, she eloped with Mr. Loser. He still has not addressed the multiple warrants. She could now be charged with harboring a fugitive.

 

This makes me sick but it is way out of my hands.

 

Guess I will have to get used to the cycle of abuse when he starts in on her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

She'll be back when she completely broke! I hope the kids college fund is prorected. It's really sad. You're not the bad guy, you did the right thing, but you know the old saying, "no good deed goes unpunished."

 

We've been through something similar with my SIL and an excon. Only she was crazy and an unfit mom before ex con came along. She said, "everyone deserves a second chance!" He left her after he went through every fine and the family stopped helping her/them out. By then she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, you can't tell an adult what to do.

[Jethro]

You did the right thing! Otherwise you'd be feeling really guilty down the road when it all goes south. All you can do really. Sure hope this leopard has changed his spots, but you know what they say.