Wonderful Fiancé - with unwanted baggage!

[Criticality]

Criticality The child's parents were already divorced in my reading. So how does OP come between this happy family? .

 

I was talking about how the kid perceives it. For him there isn't much difference, she's an unwanted intruder into not only his mom and dad relationship but also him and his dads relationship. So he acts out. Fairly normal when you're nine.

 

No where do I read OP being nasty to this child.

 

She doesn't need to hit him or tell him she doesn't like him. The kid can pick up on that easily. That's one thing a nine year old child is really good at. Being perceptive. You'd probably pick up on it really fast if you had to spend every weekend together with somebody who hates you.

 

And the fact that she can seriously consider saying "it's him or me!" About a nine year old boy, pretty much qualifies her for some couch time too IMHO...

[knitwit]

Criticality I suggest you read the thread because them you would see that your own post is misguided. The child's parents were already divorced in my reading. So how does OP come between this happy family? If you think its right for a mother to instil fear in a child by telling him that the stepmom is going to take his Dad away, then you are one sick person. A child is not a pawn to be used by parents in the war with their x. In your quote Mom is the typical sick ex wife who can't move on and damage their children. No where do I read OP being nasty to this child. The damage is done here and yes it's toxic- and yes it is the kid and his mother.

 

I think Criticality's post was spot-on.

 

The OP is coming between his dad and him. That was the point of the post- the OP was (is?) going to lay down an ultimatum that dad either moves far away with her or she leaves.

 

The OP has said that she hates the child.

 

Even a 9 y/o can see that someone who hates your guts and tries to move your loved one away from you is an enemy. She might not be beating the child, but surely she is not a friend or in any way on the child's side.

 

I am putting this out from the perspective of a child. As I said earlier, I think the OP is in a lose-lose. I don't think she should be Demonized, either. It is easy for us to cast stones, but we are not in the middle of the situation. The child has big issues!

 

The OP ultimately is not a good fit with her Fiance, because there is no "child-free" option. And, if she wants children in the future, there are even more complications. I hope she is able to make a clean break and look forward to a brighter future.

[Criticality]

A nine-year-old hitting an adult authority figure and destroying property is not a normal kid, sorry.

 

Aside the fact that she's not an authority figure in his eyes but more of an unwanted intruder, you don't have kids yourself, right? Let alone kids who are having trouble dealing with a divorce situation?

 

 

That he does this when his father is not there to witness it indicates a pathological issue.

 

By pathological issue you mean "not as dumb as a sack of bricks", right? Cause thats one of the only thing you can extrapolate from this.

 

One of the first thing a kid learns , is that they can get away with stuff better when mommy or daddy aren't looking.

 

Now mind you, nobody's saying that the kid isn't a pain in the ass and a real b*****d to have to deal with ever weekend or every other weekend. But he's doing it for a reason and for a purpose. If he was acting like this 24/7 he'd have serious issues. But the fact that he doesn't act like this when its only him and daddy doesn't mean that he's a shrewd psychopath in the making, it just means that he'a dealing with some major issues: Divorce and a new stepmom, without having the right tools. Cause he's only nine.

Edited October 18, 2013 by Criticality

[Criticality]

The OP ultimately is not a good fit with her Fiance, because there is no "child-free" option. And, if she wants children in the future, there are even more complications. I hope she is able to make a clean break and look forward to a brighter future.

 

Agreed. The boy and how he acts out is an issue that could be dealt with, but it would take a long time and put a lot of stress on the relationship.

 

OP doesn't want to do this.

 

That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make it a bad relationship for all parties involved.

[michelangelo]

Aside the fact that she's not an authority figure in his eyes but more of an unwanted intruder, you don't have kids yourself, right? Let alone kids who are having trouble dealing with a divorce situation?

 

 

 

 

By pathological issue you mean "not as dumb as a sack of bricks", right? Cause thats one of the only thing you can extrapolate from this.

 

One of the first thing a kid learns , is that they can get away with stuff better when mommy or daddy aren't looking.

 

Now mind you, nobody's saying that the kid isn't a pain in the ass and a real b*****d to have to deal with ever weekend or every other weekend. But he's doing it for a reason and for a purpose. If he was acting like this 24/7 he'd have serious issues. But the fact that he doesn't act like this when its only him and daddy doesn't mean that he's a shrewd psychopath in the making, it just means that he'a dealing with some major issues: Divorce and a new stepmom, without having the right tools. Cause he's only nine.

 

I reared two children successfully to their 20s. I witnessed a lot of divorced kids crap over the years. Plus, my dad was a mental health professional. I saw more periodicals about disturbed children than i care to remember.

 

Note that I recommended psychiatric evaluation for the boy.

 

His behavior goes far beyond just trying to get away with crap when dad's not looking.

 

That is, as described by the OP.

 

9-year-olds who resort to hitting adults and smashing valuable property have big issues. does he have to start lighting fires or harming pets before you see it as anything to worry about?

Edited October 18, 2013 by michelangelo

[Quiet Storm]

I reared two children successfully to their 20s. I witnessed a lot of divorced kids crap over the years. Plus, my dad was a mental health professional. I saw more periodicals about disturbed children than i care to remember.

 

Note that I recommended psychiatric evaluation for the boy.

 

His behavior goes far beyond just trying to get away with crap when dad's not looking.

 

That is, as described by the OP.

 

9-year-olds who resort to hitting adults and smashing valuable property have big issues. does he have to start lighting fires or harming pets before you see it as anything to worry about?

 

 

Yes, it indicates issues, but he is young enough to turn this around if he can get help. He is not doomed to be another Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Boys often act out externally- violence, crime, destruction of property. Girls often act out internally & keep it a secret. They will cut, make themselves throw up, detach.

 

He feels abandoned in both places that he should feel safe. With his mom, he is abandoned for alcohol, and his dad chose to be with a woman that hates him. Can you imagine his thoughts? My own dad wants to marry someone that hates my guts. What is so bad about me that he doesn't care? How could he love a person that hates me?

 

Then he comes home and (if his mom really has a drinking problem)to a drunk or passed out mom. Why does she hate her life so much that she has to drink? No matter what I do, if I am the best kid I can be, she still drinks.

 

These are the kinds of things kids think about.

 

I feel like crying just thinking about it. I'd wanna smash stuff, too.

 

A child is the product of his environment & circumstances. You can't give a kid a crappy life & expect them to have it together & know how to cope. He probably has no one to model coping skills, no one to guide him. His parents are wrapped up in their own crap & not helping their own kid.

Edited October 18, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Nyla]

This kind of strife is exactly why second marriages have such a high failure rate. Renegotiating family relationships when there is a new spouse and stepparent is not easy. I suspect that your fiancé's mother is jealous that you are with her husband now and her son might be resentful of the new woman in his father's life.

 

I dated a man with a child before and I will never do it again. I need to feel like the first priority in a man's life and not have to constantly lose to his child. Children have to come first. My ex boyfriend's son seemed to suddenly need his daddy a lot when he knew I was supposed to go on a date with his dad. It felt like a tug of war and I didn't want to come between father and son.

 

Leave your fiancé because your marriage will not work out if you hate his son. The son will be a part of your fiancé's life forever. Dating a man without children or any ex spouses would be more suitable for you.

Edited October 18, 2013 by Nyla

[todreaminblue]

Yes, it indicates issues, but he is young enough to turn this around if he can get help. He is not doomed to be another Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Boys often act out externally- violence, crime, destruction of property. Girls often act out internally & keep it a secret. They will cut, make themselves throw up, detach.

 

He feels abandoned in both places that he should feel safe. With his mom, he is abandoned for alcohol, and his dad chose to be with a woman that hates him. Can you imagine his thoughts? My own dad wants to marry someone that hates my guts. What is so bad about me that he doesn't care? How could he love a person that hates me?

 

Then he comes home and (if his mom really has a drinking problem)to a drunk or passed out mom. Why does she hate her life so much that she has to drink? No matter what I do, if I am the best kid I can be, she still drinks.

 

These are the kinds of things kids think about.

 

I feel like crying just thinking about it. I'd wanna smash stuff, too.

 

A child is the product of his environment & circumstances. You can't give a kid a crappy life & expect them to have it together & know how to cope. He probably has no one to model coping skills, no one to guide him. His parents are wrapped up in their own crap & not helping their own kid.

 

on repeat....for thougthfulness

 

 

my girls cut my oldest sought out affection from boys.........you know what type of affection teen boys give and it isnt cuddles......

 

my girls however treat the affair partner with courtesy and respect even though they hold resentment for her , if i was with someone they would do the same less the resentment...they actually want me to be happy...they have issues, they act out they have seen and continue to have therapy for post traumatic stress from the abandonment...what they do have now is parents who are concerned about them and they have always had me there.....when i was sick in hospital i was on the phone out of it on medication, and ect, organizing support for them...i struggled to do this i really did... to keep it together...the doctors banned em from the phone at one stage because i was constantly on it......and i was meant to be working on me.i had five children though affected by the break up to handle .....didnt have time to recuperate, in essence it kept me in longer, they refused to let me out

 

 

this boy needs at least one parent who can step up and just do the right thing by the boy.....he needs help......

 

the op has a right to be treated with respect....but the boy has the right to be looked after and help sought when it is needed.....its duty of care as an adult not even as a parent but as an adult who should know.....kids cant look after themselves at that age............deb

[Mr. Lucky]

This kind of strife is exactly why second marriages have such a high failure rate. Renegotiating family relationships when there is a new spouse and stepparent is not easy.

True. What seems to be often overlooked is that a step-parent has to earn a child's trust and affection. That's a process that should occur slowly and naturally and appointing someone "new mommy" doesn't get it done. It also helps if the step-parent enjoys children, not a calling for everyone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[willpower654]

This is obviously a hard decision... You probably don't hate the son. You hate his mother for being immature, hurting your now fiance, and attempting to destroy you relationship with dad and with the son. The son is reminding you of the mother and going along with whatever the mother is telling him to do.

 

I am a bit younger than you and your fiance but in the same boat with a 7 yr old daughter... What I have learned is to but out. Her mother is a sad excuse for a parent, and I have the same amount of respect for her as I do for scum on the sidewalk.. However, when the daughter misbehaves guess who gets to tell her and correct it? DAD! I have sat down with him and said the following: your daughter needs to respect the rules of our home, and respect me. And you have to enforce this. I do not take her anywhere without him anymore because she doesn't behave for me. and until the respect for me is established I won't be for her safety (because she doesnt listen to me) and for my own sanity.

 

I would recommend that you think very hard about this. The son is not going away, and the ex wife is not going away. I have learned that 'killing the ex wife with kindness' is the best way. When the daughter calls and asks to talk to me from her moms phone, I talk to her, and every single thing that comes out of my mouth about her mom is positive... ex: mommy has a new baby now, so you have to help her out by being extra good. Mommy works now and cannot take you out all the time because she has a lot to do at home so make sure you try to help her out.. etc etc. And guess what. The mom obviously is jealous of me, but I think I surprised her by not giving in to her ridiculous immature behavior. These woman who are the Xwives with the children need to remember and realize that they do not OWN our fiances anymore. He pays his child support, he takes his daughter and we treat her as our own... I treat her like she is mine, in terms of caring for her and thinking about what is best for her. I am not trying to take over the mom position but instead embracing the really great position we have a 'step mom'. We get to be the cool one, that gets to do the fun stuff and guide them just as maybe an aunt would... We don't have to be the ugly step mom who gives off a bad vibe. I suggest having fun with him, do things with him that he and you like together. Teach him something you are good at so you two can share a common interest.

 

Also please remember... This situation is so hard for dad. Dad is trying to be a good dad, tryin to keep exwife happy so that he has a smooth sail with her and can see his kid, and he is trying to keep your relationship happy. Sometimes something has to give. And until the ex realises you arent going anywhere, and she realises that dad has a say and needs to be respected... Dad will be probably focusing his attention on this situation and not your relationship.

 

The boy is 9 years old. You can certainly sit him down and explain to him that he hurt your feelings by breaking your things, and that he cannot do these things to you anymore because you are here to help him and you are with Dad now... At 9, influence only goes so far, then comes his values of his own.. He knows damn well that breaking your stuff is not nice. And Dad needs to be the one AGAIN to really drive this home. That these behaviors are not acceptable and if he wants to be around dad and part of the family dad has with you then he needs to shape up.

I also would suggest letting dad and son go out together once per weekend. I always encourage my fiance and his daughter to go out together because after all... she is there to see him not me (or you). So really let their relationship grow stronger, and try to be the reason this happens instead of the reason it doesn't.

 

I get frusterated too. I have posts on here. But it wasn't until I saw a thereapist and really realised what my problems were that I could actually function in this other family. We will always have to share him with is past. But don't lose sight of the fact that you are his new family, and he chooses to be with you and not his ex for various reasons which seem obvious... So forget her. Who cares what she thinks. Think only for you, your husband and the little boy. Because it is clear to me he needs a strong, smart solid woman figure to look up to. And you are in the perfect positon to be just that.

 

As a quick cute side note for everyone. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears let me tell you all. But the other day my 'step daughter' came over and told her dad while i was at work: you are the jelly to my peanut butter sandwich and (insert step mom's name) is the toast that holds us all together. She is 7. But when your intentions are pure, as mine really are, the kids see this. She knows I am solid, she can trust me and I won't ever hurt her... And she also sees the difference between me and mom. In the beginning she asked me if she could call me mom. I sat her down and explained to her that she only has one mom. And no one can ever take her place. And that I will always be here for her, but our relationship is different because we got to choose each other...

 

Be strong, by you acting upset, and getting dad upset, and not taking control of the child's bad behavior.. guess who is wininng?? Exwife who wants nothing more than to see Dad suffer. Prove her wrong, and be the positive flower in this situation. Trust me it will all work itself out.

I am not giving up without a fight, thats for sure. And the little girl is what keeps me going sometimes with my goals because I want to give her a good life and be able to help her when she is older and needs someone who isn't mom and who isn't dad.

 

Sorry for the ramble... Just really can feel your pain.