Wonderful Fiancé - with unwanted baggage!

[hotgurl]

^^^ THIS, THIS, THIS ^^^

 

Seriously, CherryPip - are you actually hoping your fiancé will move with you?

 

LOL I forgot the l in low life. I guess I was upset.

[michelangelo]

Youy mentioned that the kid breaks stuff and you think it is deliberste.

 

Can you please elaborate?

 

Also, having raised two children, I can tell you that sometimes accidents happen.

 

If you have any fragile things it would be best to put them away for the next decade. I'm serious!

 

But if you can't abide having the kid in your life, then you have to end this relationship.

 

 

 

I am not a troll. I am a real woman with a real problem. The fact that I don't see things your way makes me a troll? Get over yourself please. This is a very real situation and your minimizing it doesn't help.

What is the hangup with the child being 9? Is rude destructive behavior acceptable at that age? Maybe for you, but my life is not going to be run by a 9 year old bully.

 

 

What is it that I should do in your opinion? Walk away because his life and relationship is more important than mine? What you don't seem to realise is that I didnt start this mess, but I sure as hell am going to end it.

[CherryPip]

Seriously, CherryPip - are you actually hoping your fiancé will move with you?

 

 

 

No I am hoping he will leave me and stay behind with the two local crazies...

Sorry CarrieT, I am tired and disheartened. So the answer will be yes. If he wants a life with me, it is not going to be anywhere close to where we currently live.

 

 

It may seem heartless, but you have a group of people here who think its ok for a child who needs help to continue to make my life miserable. I have tried and I give up. I won't do it anymore and I don't have to.

 

 

Do I have to care what happens ? No. Apparently its normal and acceptable for kids to behave badly and get away with it. If this is acceptable then thank God I don't have children.

 

 

As I said he can stay or leave... I don't want his son or ex wife as part of my everyday life. Amazing that people can advocate putting up with abuse... Sorry its just to much for me.

[dichotomy]

I do not see why I must love a child who is rude to me, and disrespectful of me and my things. It is pure emotional terrorism and I find it ludicrous that I need to "love" my abuser... What planet is this thinking from? His age is inconsequential - where I could have been a positive influence, instead I am treated like crap for no reason.

 

.

 

 

Wait till (or if) one of your own - they can be worse that any Stepchild.

 

I have one step and one bio. Step came first..and she was a mess... but I am the baby in among a number of siblings - and I saw (before SD came along) my brothers and sisters getting in the worst kind of screaming and sometimes physical battles with their biokids, Teens who ran away, detroyed cars, smashed furnishing, drugs, and more. Yep - thats a parent for you - so when my SD came along and started carving phrases into my hardwood furniture (on our wedding day) - just shrugged my shoulders and got out the sand paper and varnish.

Edited October 18, 2013 by dichotomy

[CherryPip]

Youy mentioned that the kid breaks stuff and you think it is deliberste.

 

Can you please elaborate?

 

Also, having raised two children, I can tell you that sometimes accidents happen.

 

Its not an accident. He will search out things that are put away or he knows are mine. He smashed my wristwatch. Taking a hammer and beating the face is not an accident. He knew it was one of many, but took the one my late father gave me. He has thrown perfume bottles against walls, breaking them. Wii remote thrown thru TV, put my shoes in the washer... Cut up my reference books... Damage is in thousands of $. I don't think these are accidents.

 

It didnt start out this way. I was open to the idea of a child. I have never been nasty to this child. Yet I am sworn at, taunted, he has physically hit me- never for his Dad to see or hear. I have tried so hard to show him I cared. No one starts out disliking anyone- I did not know it would go like this. And to me it all stems from his Mom. He has said as much- his Mom hates me and so will he...

Whatever. I am the devil for wanting this kid out of my life.

[CarrieT]

Its not an accident. He will search out things that are put away or he knows are mine. He smashed my wristwatch. Taking a hammer and beating the face is not an accident. He knew it was one of many, but took the one my late father gave me. He has thrown perfume bottles against walls, breaking them. Wii remote thrown thru TV, put my shoes in the washer... Cut up my reference books... Damage is in thousands of $. I don't think these are accidents.

What has your fiancé said in response to these incidents? You haven't described that dynamic yet...

[hotgurl]

Youy mentioned that the kid breaks stuff and you think it is deliberste.

 

Can you please elaborate?

 

Also, having raised two children, I can tell you that sometimes accidents happen.

 

Its not an accident. He will search out things that are put away or he knows are mine. He smashed my wristwatch. Taking a hammer and beating the face is not an accident. He knew it was one of many, but took the one my late father gave me. He has thrown perfume bottles against walls, breaking them. Wii remote thrown thru TV, put my shoes in the washer... Cut up my reference books... Damage is in thousands of $. I don't think these are accidents.

 

It didnt start out this way. I was open to the idea of a child. I have never been nasty to this child. Yet I am sworn at, taunted, he has physically hit me- never for his Dad to see or hear. I have tried so hard to show him I cared. No one starts out disliking anyone- I did not know it would go like this. And to me it all stems from his Mom. He has said as much- his Mom hates me and so will he...

Whatever. I am the devil for wanting this kid out of my life.

 

You are not the devil for wanting the kid out of your life. You are the devil for wanting his dad to choose you over him.

 

Nobody is saying the kids behavior is ok. He needs serious therapy. The dad and mom need to get their act together and parent the boy.

 

You need to leave. You are unhappy, hate this kid etc.... You should just end the relationship and not even ask the dad to choose. Just say it is to much for you and you are leaving.

[Lokie]

CherryPip, I am not a Mom, so maybe I am saying this out of pure naiveté, but I support you in taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you.

[CherryPip]

What has your fiancé said in response to these incidents? You haven't described that dynamic yet...

 

His Dad is obviously concerned so am I. He is horrified at what his son gets up to. He has asked his ex wife to get his son to a therapist. She is the primary custodial parent and his medical care has to be with the consent of both parents. Ex wife said no. So its a stalemate. He has spoken to his ex wife concerning his son- she wants to hear nothing and does everything to encourage his behavior. As far as she is concerned, he is a normal 9 year old boy.

 

 

We have spoken to when he stays with us. He arrives in monster mode every second weekend and by the end of the weekend he is generally ok. Its like he needs to be de-programmed!

[CherryPip]

CherryPip, I am not a Mom, so maybe I am saying this out of pure naiveté, but I support you in taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you.

 

 

 

Thank you. I appreciate your post.

[CarrieT]

He arrives in monster mode every second weekend and by the end of the weekend he is generally ok. Its like he needs to be de-programmed!

My stepson-to-be is exactly the same. My fiancé calls it the transition time.

 

I'm curious if your fiancé could insist on the therapy. Even though the mother is the custodial parent, he still has rights. And isn't he seeing the boy every day?

[CherryPip]

He sees his son everyday - picks him up from after school care. Then his Mom picks him up. Its about an hour- enough time to have a light snack and do homework together. He stays over every second weekend. Friday night to Sunday at 5pm

[michelangelo]

Youy mentioned that the kid breaks stuff and you think it is deliberste.

 

Can you please elaborate?

 

Also, having raised two children, I can tell you that sometimes accidents happen.

 

Its not an accident. He will search out things that are put away or he knows are mine. He smashed my wristwatch. Taking a hammer and beating the face is not an accident. He knew it was one of many, but took the one my late father gave me. He has thrown perfume bottles against walls, breaking them. Wii remote thrown thru TV, put my shoes in the washer... Cut up my reference books... Damage is in thousands of $. I don't think these are accidents.

 

It didnt start out this way. I was open to the idea of a child. I have never been nasty to this child. Yet I am sworn at, taunted, he has physically hit me- never for his Dad to see or hear. I have tried so hard to show him I cared. No one starts out disliking anyone- I did not know it would go like this. And to me it all stems from his Mom. He has said as much- his Mom hates me and so will he...

Whatever. I am the devil for wanting this kid out of my life.

 

His behavior is that of a disturbed child. He absolutely needs psychiatric help.

 

His acting out towards you will only escalate as he gets older.

 

I really think you need to at the very least extricate yourself from your current living arrangement.

 

If your fiance puts off dealing with his son's emotional disturbance by saying the wife has custody, then he is not solving this at all.

 

he can hire a lawyer to push for medical intervention to help his son using his behavior as the reason. It is not to punish the boy, but to help him.

 

As for yourself?

 

I would not stay, sometimes the price for love is too high.

 

I agree with you, what the kid does is far worse than the occasional accident.

 

One day he may just shift from smashing your heirloom watch with a hammer to doing more personal violence.

 

I dont say that lightly.

 

Time to move on.

[knitwit]

You are not a mom (yet)- but if you were to have this man leave his son for you and then you too went on to have children with him...you would very likely do some serious re-thinking.

 

Any man who is willing to leave his son behind is not someone who I would want or trust to be the father of my children. My husband would give his life for our son, as would I- and I couldn't respect him if it was any other way. This will REALLY hit you when you hold your own precious baby in your arms, and you think about the future and your role in keeping him/her safe and well- it will not longer be a semantic, theoretical situation. It will be come a very deep and serious matter.

 

Your fiance is either going to have to change how he handles his son and his ex or he will never be able to have a healthy romantic relationship. No sane woman will accept a man who allows his child to run out-of-control and be destructive. No sane woman with decent boundaries will engage in the Ex game. You are not the Devil for deciding that the situation is not acceptable or tolerable.

 

I think you are making the best choice, which is to move on with your life. There is no "win" here for you, you are in a lose-lose situation. You will lose later on if your fiance leaves his son behind for you- you will only get a shell of a man. You will lose if you stay and the situation doesn't change- and sadly, that is likely. You will even lose if you stay and things change, because you already have such strong feelings against the young child. You are sacrificing things already by staying in a location you don't want to be in. Take back your life and chalk this one up to a learning experience.

[lollipopspot]

If he wants a life with me, it is not going to be anywhere close to where we currently live.

 

So are you imagining that if this guy moves with you, the son would never come and visit? How would he see his son?

[CherryPip]

So are you imagining that if this guy moves with you, the son would never come and visit? How would he see his son?

I never indicated he would never see his son. What I don't want under the current circumstances is to see his son every week day or every second weekend when he stays over with us. I am fine with longer school vacations.

If this was a normal well adjusted kid I would have stayed where I am and have been happy with the current arrangement. Its no longer an option for me.

[Keenly]

Selfishness is not a good quality to have . Being between a parent and their kid is also not a good place to be.

[michelangelo]

I just want you to know that I think you are making the best decision to get away from that toxic family.

 

I know you like the guy, but the disturbed kid is a part of the package.

 

From what you have shared with us, the boy sounds like he could be a sociopath in the making.

 

That he hides hitting you from his father means it is deliberate.

 

That is searches out your most treasured possessions also means he has deep and profound rage. In his sick mind he thinks by driving you off his parents will be back together again focused just on him.

 

Yes, you have said you could deal with the fiance if the kid were out of the picture. You already know that won't happen, others have said that means you are awful.

 

You're not!

 

But you have a hard set of actions to do.

 

1. Find a new place to live.

 

2. BreaK up with this guy.

 

3. Maybe give him a list of child psychiatric resources that deal with this type of issue.

 

4. Move on with your life - without that guy.

 

Good luck.

[Criticality]

In his sick mind he thinks by driving you off his parents will be back together again focused just on him.

 

And how would you react if a new woman tries to get in between your parents and take your father away? Just like mommy has told you she would?

 

The kid isn't stupid. Children are very perceptive. He's aware that daddy's new stepmom hates his guts, and wants to be rid of him.

 

But that's beside the point, cause blaming the kid here is like blaming a rape on the fact that her skirt was too short.

 

But yes: Toxic situation, everyone involved needs therapy, and OP needs to drop her engagement. Just by telling her fiancé how she feels about his son should probably be enough.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Nothing wrong with ending a relationship for whatever reason is a dealbreaker for you.

 

No need to demonize a child. Children have poor coping skills, even destructive ones when trying to get a parents attention.

 

No doubt, the son is jealous of you. The question is why. What has Dad done to change the dynamic between them. It sounds like the son spends a lot of time alone with you, where before, if he was at Dad's, he was with Dad. Does not matter if it is for logistics or not, children only understand, Dad used to be here, now "that woman" is.

 

Enjoy your move.

[Criticality]

Yeah, son of the year Material. Not!

 

 

Michelangelo is spot on!

 

We only have OPs description. And frankly, it sounds pretty normal for a divorce kid who's acting out in front of his stepmom, not only influenced by how his own mother feels about the stepmom, but also by the fact that the stepmom doesn't like him. Kids are perceptive.

 

And kids, when they're not incredibly sweet and kind can be pretty horrible. Even the best behaved of them. Compared to adults, that is.

[HighheelsAries]

And how would you react if a new woman tries to get in between your parents and take your father away? Just like mommy has told you she would?

 

The kid isn't stupid. Children are very perceptive. He's aware that daddy's new stepmom hates his guts, and wants to be rid of him.

 

But that's beside the point, cause blaming the kid here is like blaming a rape on the fact that her skirt was too short.

 

But yes: Toxic situation, everyone involved needs therapy, and OP needs to drop her engagement. Just by telling her fiancé how she feels about his son should probably be enough.

 

 

 

Criticality I suggest you read the thread because them you would see that your own post is misguided. The child's parents were already divorced in my reading. So how does OP come between this happy family? If you think its right for a mother to instil fear in a child by telling him that the stepmom is going to take his Dad away, then you are one sick person. A child is not a pawn to be used by parents in the war with their x. In your quote Mom is the typical sick ex wife who can't move on and damage their children. No where do I read OP being nasty to this child. The damage is done here and yes it's toxic- and yes it is the kid and his mother.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nothing wrong with ending a relationship for whatever reason is a dealbreaker for you.

 

No need to demonize a child. Children have poor coping skills, even destructive ones when trying to get a parents attention.

 

No doubt, the son is jealous of you. The question is why. What has Dad done to change the dynamic between them. It sounds like the son spends a lot of time alone with you, where before, if he was at Dad's, he was with Dad. Does not matter if it is for logistics or not, children only understand, Dad used to be here, now "that woman" is.

As a divorced and re-married Dad, this seems pretty accurate.

I may lose my fiancé or I may gain a life free of every day abuse from a minor child.

There's a reason children aren't tried as adults for crimes and it's because, at 9 years old, one lacks the ability to form intent. At that age, they just react and sometimes in inappropriate ways.

 

You're not at point in your life where you can - or should have to - understand this. As others have said, were you a parent, you might feel differently. You aren't and no shame or blame that you don't.

 

You're making the right decision to move on. What exists now isn't the best situation for anyone involved. Good luck with your career...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AlwaysGrowing]

As a divorced and re-married Dad, this seems pretty accurate.

 

There's a reason children aren't tried as adults for crimes and it's because, at 9 years old, one lacks the ability to form intent. At that age, they just react and sometimes in inappropriate ways.

 

You're not at point in your life where you can - or should have to - understand this. As others have said, were you a parent, you might feel differently. You aren't and no shame or blame that you don't.

 

You're making the right decision to move on. What exists now isn't the best situation for anyone involved. Good luck with your career...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Great post....I would however change the sometimes...to OFTEN

 

Nature of the beast. lol

[michelangelo]

We only have OPs description. And frankly, it sounds pretty normal for a divorce kid who's acting out in front of his stepmom, not only influenced by how his own mother feels about the stepmom, but also by the fact that the stepmom doesn't like him. Kids are perceptive.

 

And kids, when they're not incredibly sweet and kind can be pretty horrible. Even the best behaved of them. Compared to adults, that is.

 

A nine-year-old hitting an adult authority figure and destroying property is not a normal kid, sorry.

 

That he does this when his father is not there to witness it indicates a pathological issue.

 

But don't rely on my judgement on this. Go look up what behaviors in children indicate a disturbed person in the making.

 

This is not anything close to a parallel of blaming a rape victim for getting raped.

 

I still recommend that the OP leave this man and strongly suggest to him that he get his son evaluated for psychiatric issues -- based on the things she described here.

 

The dynamic is really beyond her abilities and responsibilities to fix.

Edited October 18, 2013 by michelangelo