Marriage is crmbling & neither one of us has the balls to call it quits.

[checkoutat10]

I don't really know what I'm after with this post. I've been reading and lurking here since August. My marriage is failing in so many ways, and it's finally hit rock bottom.

 

Brief history: Married almost 11 years. Together for 12. I have two children from a previous relationship. He has two from a previous marriage. We have two together. He is AD military. We have been separated for more than 5 years during our marriage because of deployments and trainings. Whatever...I signed up for it blah blah blah.

 

I started writing out everything that's going wrong in my marriage, and then realized it doesn't really matter. The heart of the issue is this: we have periods of wonderful connection, great sex, fun and easy-going interaction with complete understanding, communication, and affection.

 

And then for whatever reason, sh*t hits the fan and we turn into name-calling, hate mongering, poo-slinging people who hate each other. This often results in a week or several weeks of the silent treatment. The silence is often broken on Facebook, of all places .

 

He has not slept in the marital bed for almost two years. We say it's because of our co-sleeping 3yo daughter and his snoring (which, btw, is obnoxious)...and we believe it. But....we have always co-slept with our babies and he has always snored....so.....

 

Anyway...I hit a breaking point after finding out about some white lies my husband had told me (he has a habit of lying, in fact, our relationship is based on a lie). Among other things, I crashed and was done with the marriage. I wanted out. I wanted a divorce, and I told him so. That was 1.5 years ago. We have since moved duty stations and he has professed his undying love and begged me to stay. We cried, argued, and struggled our way to today, where we are still married.

 

But now that I've said the D word...it's the 1st thing out of my mouth when things get rough. I have read here in some other threads that THAT is a big NO-NO. I can't help it, I get so angry and frustrated and hurt that I think "why would I ever want this kind of marriage? This kind of life?" and it comes out again.

 

The problem is, I think he wants a divorce too. But he keeps telling me that if we get divorced it would be because I gave up, I didn't try hard enough, that he did everything he could and I just quit. But his actions don't speak that way anymore. No he's more cold to me during arguments. He's indifferent. He doesn't fight back anymore. I think we've both realized it's over.

 

SO WHY CAN'T WE SAY IT!!!!????

 

Is it always this hard?? It seems to me there's always at least ONE party who's absolutely sure, without a doubt, they want a divorce. Why can't we be one of those people??? This is so painful....just dragging it out and dragging it out....But I do love him more than anything, and he says he loves me. But how's the song go? We're like fire and gasoline, I'm no good for you, you're no good for me?

 

Yeah, that's it.

 

So atm, we are fighting. We have been silent for the past week. Last night we broke silence of Facebook (pathetic, I know).

 

Conversations continued this morning and I poured my heart out to him....said I would try IC and MC, would he be willing to do the same? He said he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted, whether he still loved me, etc.

 

Okay....so after all this time of him trying to keep us together and now it's role reversal, which is fine, but why can't he just say it, then? How long am I supposed to wait for him to "figure it all out"?

 

I am so confused.

 

And this was a diatribe I hadn't planned on writing.

 

I guess my main question is...did anyone else have a hard time actually saying, planning, or going through with the D, even though you knew it was in everybody's best interest? I feel like we are just beating the dead horse and making it's mother watch. Why prolong the pain???

 

[naturalblue]

I'm in a similar situation. My H and I are so distant from each other and it finally came out a couple days ago that neither of us is happy and haven't been for a while. He is staying with a friend while we figure it out.

 

But, we've been here before. We've come to the brink of breaking up at least 4 times in our relationship and each time we didn't have the nerve to do it. He also does the thing where he puts the entire onus on ME, saying that if we split up or divorce, I have to make that decision and it will be because I wanted to give up - which I think is terribly unfair and a way for him to try to get out of having any culpability. There's a lot I love about him but I can't help thinking, how many times do we have to come this close to breaking up before we admit that maybe this is just a bad match?

 

I don't have any answers, I'm in a bad place myself trying to figure out what I feel and what I want, but I wanted to at least say that I totally know that feel bro.

[Mr. Lucky]

But now that I've said the D word...it's the 1st thing out of my mouth when things get rough. I have read here in some other threads that THAT is a big NO-NO. I can't help it, I get so angry and frustrated and hurt that I think "why would I ever want this kind of marriage? This kind of life?" and it comes out again.

The reason the "d" bomb is so destructive in those situations is that it references the exact opposite of fixing the marriage. In theory, that's why you fight, right? To work through the issues and make your relationship stronger? Dropping the D word is the other side of that, implying that, if I can't get my way, I'm outta here.

But I do love him more than anything, and he says he loves me.

Then there's something to work with. Have you made a focused and extended effort at MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

And then for whatever reason, sh*t hits the fan and we turn into name-calling, hate mongering, poo-slinging people who hate each other. This often results in a week or several weeks of the silent treatment. The silence is often broken on Facebook, of all places .

 

There's alot to address in your post, but let me start here. You two need to learn how to fight, how to get through a disagreement without all the hostility and name-calling or hell, even raising your voices. As Mr. Lucky suggested, MC can help give you the tools to get there.

 

And the make-up part should happen in bed, not the internet.

[checkoutat10]

I'm in a similar situation. My H and I are so distant from each other and it finally came out a couple days ago that neither of us is happy and haven't been for a while. He is staying with a friend while we figure it out.

 

But, we've been here before. We've come to the brink of breaking up at least 4 times in our relationship and each time we didn't have the nerve to do it. He also does the thing where he puts the entire onus on ME, saying that if we split up or divorce, I have to make that decision and it will be because I wanted to give up - which I think is terribly unfair and a way for him to try to get out of having any culpability. There's a lot I love about him but I can't help thinking, how many times do we have to come this close to breaking up before we admit that maybe this is just a bad match?

 

I don't have any answers, I'm in a bad place myself trying to figure out what I feel and what I want, but I wanted to at least say that I totally know that feel bro.

 

YES. This is us, too.

 

And I agree, it is VERY unfair for one person to put all the blame on one individual. I get so furious with my husband because it's like he wants to wash his hands of any and all responsibility for the end of it...and that way he will always be the good guy. Infuriating. I am so sorry you're in the same situation, naturalblue. I wish I had some answers.

[checkoutat10]

The reason the "d" bomb is so destructive in those situations is that it references the exact opposite of fixing the marriage. In theory, that's why you fight, right? To work through the issues and make your relationship stronger? Dropping the D word is the other side of that, implying that, if I can't get my way, I'm outta here.

 

Then there's something to work with. Have you made a focused and extended effort at MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We have not. I have brought it up in the past, but never actually searched for a MC until today. I sent an email to the one that appealed to me the most. I should have called. I will call on Monday if I don't hear anything.

 

And I'm beginning to realize how much the D word has hurt my husband. Today he mentioned that he was tired of having that thrown at him all the time. In my defense it has come up three times in the past 1.5 years. It isn't like every other day I'm screaming I want a D. But maybe that's 3 times too many.

[checkoutat10]

There's alot to address in your post, but let me start here. You two need to learn how to fight, how to get through a disagreement without all the hostility and name-calling or hell, even raising your voices. As Mr. Lucky suggested, MC can help give you the tools to get there.

 

And the make-up part should happen in bed, not the internet.

 

I completely agree. Both of us are very bad with this. Our arguments have never been physical, but they are violent in other ways. We both are guilty of this.

 

MC could definitely help us get there, right now I'm willing but my husband, not so much. I plan on starting IC anyway, and with or without him I'll learn the necessary tools. Thanks for responding.

[Criticality]

I think you really need to communicate better.

 

Could part of the problem be, that when you say "divorce" what you mean is "This isn't working. We're not happy and we need to fix it". But what your husband hears is "You need to change, cause I reject you and our marriage and want out".

 

There is a big difference there, even if you're both at fundamentally the same place, and neither of you are happy with the current situation.

 

Maybe realizing that, could help your husband cope with the divorce threats. It's not a rejection of him, but a rejection of how you currently treat each other.

Edited October 19, 2013 by Criticality

[melissag]

I totally agree with Criticality. My H threw that word at me a couple of years ago during an argument, and guess what? It made me freeze. I didn't know whether he meant it or didn't mean it or was being dramatic or what. I wanted to change the things he complained about, but once he threw that out there, I just constantly felt like he had one foot out the door, and I was petrified to be the only one doing the work in the M. When he dropped the actual D bomb on me a few weeks ago, I was completely blindsided. He seemed to think that since he had said the word a couple of years ago, it was quite obvious that he was actually GOING to D me since I didn't change myself in the ways he wanted me to, and I am the idiot who screwed it all up.

 

When you say it as a threat, the other person is most likely going to retreat. I wish that my H had said to me, I feel like our M is a mess and it is making me really concerned that we won't be able to fix it and might end up getting D. We really need to do something about this. Or something to that effect. Then I would have gotten it, and we could have done something to save our M. Instead, he used it as a threat, and the way I interpreted it was "you need to change yourself to make me happy (with no regard for my happiness or the preservation of our marriage) or I will leave you." It sounded like a way for him to make me do what he wanted. Not like a cry for help for our M.

 

I don't know if that makes sense - it's been a long, painful day. But, I have to say, I desperately wish that I was in your shoes right now, and had a chance to fix things. D is hell, and he he hasn't even moved out yet, and we are nowhere close to filing. Read some of the threads on here and you will see the pain is palpable. Please try MC.

[checkoutat10]

Thank you, Melissa. I am beginning to realize the damage done but at that point, I was so completely done with the marriage I was very ready o throw in the towel on it.

 

Of course once it's said, it's so easy to throw about at the slightest hint of an argument.

 

Of course, our arguments are pretty fast n furious...0 to I HATE YOU in 60 seconds. In the not to distant past, my husband actually got out of the car on the side of the road after he had pulled over during an argument, and started walking. Me, being the stubborn person that I am, got out of the car, got in the driver's seat, and drove off.

 

He walked home 12 miles that day. It took him 4 hours.

 

At this moment we are not speaking except for messages on FB (not nice ones, either). So effin STUPID!!!! But he won't talk to me, and we spend time in different parts of the house. Thank God I have a job where I work 12.5 hour shifts. Seriously.

 

He wants time and space to figure out what he wants, that's cool. I am moving forward with life however....with or without him.

[almond]

Conversations continued this morning and I poured my heart out to him....said I would try IC and MC, would he be willing to do the same? He said he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted, whether he still loved me, etc.

 

Tell him that MC will help you both figure it out, and communicate this to each other. Allow him space in between sessions if he feels that he needs it, but I would insist on the MC.

 

IC is a fantastic idea - please pursue this.

 

You mention children in the house, and intense fighting. You need to resolve this sooner rather than later - it is damaging for your whole family.

 

It's a very hard situation that you're in...stagnating and in limbo. Unsatisfied and hurting, but too scared to change it.

 

I wish you all the best <3

[melissag]

To the OP, have you read the book "Divorce Remedy"? I think it might be pretty helpful. It sounds to me like you two are both refusing to end things, and also refusing to make the effort to make things better, because you are being stubborn and want to make the other person do it. Like Almond said, this limbo is no good for anyone. The book I mentioned lets you know that YOU can be in control - whether he wants to or not, YOU can take steps to change things. You say that there are great things about your relationship - are they worth throwing away or working on?

[road]

Checkout, I assume AD means active duty.

 

How many years is your husband in? And how many years to go before he gets his pension?

 

You both are able to still reconnect though have problems maintaining that connection.

 

Dr Harley has two good books that will help you maintain the connection. His Needs Her Needs, and Fall In Love Stay In Love.

[M30USA]

Not sure the details of your marriage, but if either of you are expecting the other to make you happy and be your reason for living, you are doomed to failure. God himself will destroy your idols. Marriage and relationships can be an idol. This is why marriage is failing in America.

[checkoutat10]

To the OP, have you read the book "Divorce Remedy"? I think it might be pretty helpful. It sounds to me like you two are both refusing to end things, and also refusing to make the effort to make things better, because you are being stubborn and want to make the other person do it. Like Almond said, this limbo is no good for anyone. The book I mentioned lets you know that YOU can be in control - whether he wants to or not, YOU can take steps to change things. You say that there are great things about your relationship - are they worth throwing away or working on?

 

MelissaG, no I haven't read that book. I actually haven't really read anything marriage or relationship related as of yet. You are absolutely right though, we are both refusing to be the one who says it's over, and it's pretty ridiculous the amount of time we have spent not saying it. I am definitely starting to make changes for myself and since I haven't heard from the IC I contacted last week, I'll be making a few more phone calls tomorrow to get on with it.

 

The things that are great about our relationship are WORTH saving, imo...I really do love the man and I thought our love would never fade. Maybe alter, change, and grow...yes. But the fact that he said he needs to figure out whether he still loves me....that was something I did not expect.

 

Thank you for the suggestions, I will look into that book.

[checkoutat10]

Checkout, I assume AD means active duty.

 

How many years is your husband in? And how many years to go before he gets his pension?

 

You both are able to still reconnect though have problems maintaining that connection.

 

Dr Harley has two good books that will help you maintain the connection. His Needs Her Needs, and Fall In Love Stay In Love.

 

Yes that is correct. 16 years in. 4 till retirement *IF* he can let go and the Army no longer has a job for him. I believe he will stay in as long as he can, until they force him to retire.

 

Thank you for the recommendation....and you're right, we're great at connecting and even staying connected for several weeks or months at a time, but when an argument comes up, it's not your regular "you forgot eggs at the grocery again" type of argument. I love this man more than anything. And more than anything I want to be married to him forever. But I cannot stand these intense periods of horrible fighting followed by a week or more of NC. This is not how it's supposed to be, I'm fairly certain. It's exhausting.

[checkoutat10]

Tell him that MC will help you both figure it out, and communicate this to each other. Allow him space in between sessions if he feels that he needs it, but I would insist on the MC.

 

IC is a fantastic idea - please pursue this.

 

You mention children in the house, and intense fighting. You need to resolve this sooner rather than later - it is damaging for your whole family.

 

It's a very hard situation that you're in...stagnating and in limbo. Unsatisfied and hurting, but too scared to change it.

 

I wish you all the best <3

 

Thank you, Almond.

 

Yes, there are children in the house. It's sad, really. Today I planned on taking them to a festival out of town, and we usually do these things together as a family but today my husband said he wouldn't go because he didn't want the kids to sense tension between us. And I'm thinking....yeah right, because they are oblivious when mom and dad aren't speaking or even in the same room together, or fighting like cats and dogs.

 

I told him that was fine because he never really liked those kinds of activities anyway (he has PTSD along with TBI and does not do well in crowds). He immediately got snippy and said "well maybe I'll go just to make your day miserable". Really?

 

He didn't go, and the kids and I had a wonderful day together.

[road]

Yes that is correct. 16 years in. 4 till retirement *IF* he can let go and the Army no longer has a job for him. I believe he will stay in as long as he can, until they force him to retire.

 

Thank you for the recommendation....and you're right, we're great at connecting and even staying connected for several weeks or months at a time, but when an argument comes up, it's not your regular "you forgot eggs at the grocery again" type of argument. I love this man more than anything. And more than anything I want to be married to him forever. But I cannot stand these intense periods of horrible fighting followed by a week or more of NC. This is not how it's supposed to be, I'm fairly certain. It's exhausting.

 

 

If you love him then get those books. They will do more for you then IC. Many IC's tell you to be happy which does not solve problems only avoids problems.

 

They know nothing about how to save marriages. GET THOSE BOOKS.