7 year itch? Or is it over?

[Car guy]

So, about 36 hours ago my wife of 7 years told me she has lost the attraction to me. About 4 years ago, my work relocated us to a different state, and we went through a lot of stress on the relationship. It was very hard times for us, but we got through it and are doing well. We have 2 daughters, one of which we had in the last 2 years. Once my youngest daughter was here, our sex life started to fizzle. I kept trying to talk to her about it, but she kept saying we will work on it. I called her bluff on Wednesday eve and she came clean. She swears there is nobody else, but she is attracted to other guys. She said she is not depressed, not post pardom, just not seeing my abundence of sexyness that she say in the past.

 

I've had about 5 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours, it hurts so much thinking of loosing time with my daughters. They are 2 and 5, and are my world. She has agreed to see a counsler, and talk to some doctors. I just needed to talk to someone, hence why I am here.

 

I don't drink, I don't smoke, no 420 for me,... I work, spend time with my girls, and race my car at the local dragstrip. I don't cheat, and never had. I gave this woman my all, and to have this happen, can it be the 7 year itch, and it will pass, or are we done?

 

Any and all input will be welcome.

[harrybrown]

Are you sure that there is no EA or PA?

 

Did she tell you how long she felt this way? Did she give any suggestions on how to fix this?

[Mr. Lucky]

I called her bluff on Wednesday eve and she came clean. She swears there is nobody else, but she is attracted to other guys. She said she is not depressed, not post pardom, just not seeing my abundence of sexyness that she say in the past.

Assuming you have access to cell, email and bank records, I'd want to verify this.

 

Beyond that, you're putting the cart before the horse in thinking of separation at this point. MC is a very real chance to improve your marriage and become stronger and more connected than before. Since she's said she'll go, I'd make the appointment today. You're fortunate, many receive the "I love you but..." speech as their soon-to-be ex-spouse heads for the door. Sounds like you have time to turn things around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Car guy]

Are you sure that there is no EA or PA?

 

Did she tell you how long she felt this way? Did she give any suggestions on how to fix this?

 

She said she started to feel this way off and on after our second daughter was born. I told her that I think it's the thought of something new, exciting, change that is making her feel this way. She was reluctant to go to MC at first, but we have an appointment next week. I think it's because she is loosing weight (down 40 lbs since Jan) and she is in a great job, but we are in a day to day rut of the same thing, in and out, because kids take a lot of work. When my work relocated us, it's about 10 hours from both our family's, and we don't get any date nights. I'm hoping to fix this, but I don't want to put all the cards in her basket. I'm not going to wait around for her to find the spark for us. I just can't believe it's real.....

[Car guy]

Assuming you have access to cell, email and bank records, I'd want to verify this.

 

Beyond that, you're putting the cart before the horse in thinking of separation at this point. MC is a very real chance to improve your marriage and become stronger and more connected than before. Since she's said she'll go, I'd make the appointment today. You're fortunate, many receive the "I love you but..." speech as their soon-to-be ex-spouse heads for the door. Sounds like you have time to turn things around...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Saddly I do have access to bank info, cell phone, and e-mails, and there is nothing. It was the first thing I checked that first night. I don't think she has been with anyone else because we are always together. (other than work )

[lollipopspot]

She said she started to feel this way off and on after our second daughter was born. I told her that I think it's the thought of something new, exciting, change that is making her feel this way. She was reluctant to go to MC at first, but we have an appointment next week...

 

I'm hoping to fix this, but I don't want to put all the cards in her basket. I'm not going to wait around for her to find the spark for us...

 

Well of course you ought to "wait around" for as long as she's willing to try. It sounds like you need to be the more mature person here, to try to hold the family together for your children. You have a 2 year old. You really need to try to make this work, even if you're (understandably) frustrated with her. Marriage counseling is a great idea.

 

She probably is having some hormonal issues, because of when this started, whether she recognizes it or not.

 

You both need to buck up. You have a toddler, and girls especially are at risk from the new guy in the mom's life, if you divorce.

Absence of one or both parents is a risk factor

-- Some research found that children living with only one biological parent at twice the risk of sexual victimization.

-- ...Presence of a stepfather in the home doubled the risk of sexual victimization for girls.

Child sexual abuse: What parents should know

[Car guy]

I found this online, and it sounds like us to a T-

 

 

"It is also possible that the reason you are not attracted to your husband is simply that you are bored.Perhaps the two of you live a very monotonous life, and you are longing for some passion and spontaneity.If you have been "going through the motions" for a while, you may start to feel as if you and your husband are moving from a romantic relationship to a platonic one, like two roommates.If you feel that this is the case in your marriage, take action to change the humdrum life you have been living.You may find out that you were simply no longer attracted to your life, and you are still completely attracted to your husband.If you are unhappy with yourself, you are likely to project that disdain onto your spouse.Make a bold move to shake things up.Buy a sexy negligee, and surprise your husband by having nothing but that on when he gets home from work.Put on some of your favorite slow songs, and have a romantic dinner and dancing date right in your living room.Be romantic, and tell your husband how you feel.It is probable that he has been experiencing similar frustrations, and he will welcome the change and the excitement that you have decided to reintroduce to your marriage."

 

The reason I say that is she told me the night she came clean that she had already thought about how we can split up everything, sell the house and split the money, and move back to our family's area. This, to me, says she is looking for change, different area, different house, etc... and that has me thinking that we can fix this by changing our routine.

 

I've been thinking about asking her to dinner, at her favorite place(sushi), and a movie or dancing (I don't dance but I'll try)

 

I just don't want to start over with someone else,... I want her..

Edited October 18, 2013 by Car guy

[Movingforward2]

Saddly I do have access to bank info, cell phone, and e-mails, and there is nothing. It was the first thing I checked that first night. I don't think she has been with anyone else because we are always together. (other than work )

 

Car guy,

I'm in the same......literally exact same dilemma you are. I can't find anything to believe there is an affair going on, but at least you are going to MC. You've got a chance, and right now I'm (trying) to work the 180. Things have gotten absolutely crazy in the last 2.5 months. Things changed after I lost my job with great income, to feeling like a failure. She stood by me through all of that 3-4 years ago, and I thought this was my partner for life. I literally have watched my wife throw everything down the drain to find "her happiness". She is really depressed, and honestly I don't feel that she even believes what she says.

 

It's killing me with my 2 kids as well. My oldest won't even speak to me hardly. It's sad, but it is what it is. Try to move forward. It gets easier, but I'm hurting badly at this point. It never leaves my head. Ever.

[Car guy]

Moving Forward 2, thank you. Thank you for your reply. It helps to know others are going through this. If there is anything I can do to help you, just let me know. I will update here often, so check back. I'm sure we will do more talking tonight, but I hope it goes well. I am greatful for the time we've had, and she is a really good person, I just think she thinks the grass will be greener on the other side. I hope she can see the light.

[dumped2013]

Dude, that quote you posted is exactly why I lost my wife. Too much work, paying bills. I have my stressed out life and have my own business and we became room mates. It was a little bit of both of our faults. Did not help that I could not jet away to Europe for 2 weeks and she had to lie to me about who she was going with. You have 2 young children involved. Go to mc and try to work it out. The only problem I would have is her being interested in other guys.

[Movingforward2]

Tonight is Friday night. I was suppose to attend a concert tonight with some of my buddies, knowing the wife would be there. Instead, I decided not to go, not because Im sad, because I decided that I would not have a good time. So, I went and did something else. Going through this is kind of like having an addiction issue, you should basically get a sponsor. Join a recovery group, get your tail to a gym, a counselor, and to a church. It will help you in the short term and long term.

 

I deserve better than this crap, just hard to keep that mindset.

[Criticality]

Moving Forward 2, thank you. Thank you for your reply. It helps to know others are going through this. If there is anything I can do to help you, just let me know. I will update here often, so check back. I'm sure we will do more talking tonight, but I hope it goes well. I am greatful for the time we've had, and she is a really good person, I just think she thinks the grass will be greener on the other side. I hope she can see the light.

 

Hope you two can work it out in MC.

 

Does your wife work btw? The reality is, that marriage can be hard work. Hope she realizes this. The alternative to being married to somebody "you're not in love with", isn't likely to be her finding the love of her life.

 

It's more likely to mean all four of you having to make some big sacrifices in standards of living, since your income now will have to support two households, lots of stress for both you and the kids, divorce related issues and kids acting out, and obviously that she eventually finds another guy that she is "in love with" down the road. Only to find out that she comes to the exact same fork in the road after seven years with him.

[thefatherof1]

I wish you the best of luck. I was going through this same situation about 2 years ago. My wife and I had been married 4 years with 1 child when she openly admitted to being attracted to another man at work. She swears nothing sexual happened but who knows. We went to mc and I felt like things had worked themselves out, but I was wrong. Looking back on that event now, I wish I had spent more time and energy on my wife, marriage and the problem. Don't focus on saving your wife, find out why she has these feelings. You may not want to hear the answers so be prepared. I just found out my wife has been having a 6 month affair so I promptly filed for divorced. Maybe if I had spent more attention on finding the root of the problem she wouldn't have had the affair? Maybe she would've told me it was over and I could've left with some dignity? Maybe she's just a bad person? I don't know, but what I do know is you need to pay special attention to your wife and figure out the root of this problem now! I mean figure it out!!! If you don't work on it now it will come back to bite you in a big way. My wife opted for the affair because she liked the marriage, the good father I was and how I provided for the family, but you can't have your cake and eat it to. Someday the right moment will arrive + your wife will be feeling needy + she will be attracted to a guy + that guy will just want to get laid = she will be having an affair. Maybe you can work it out? Maybe she doesn't love you anymore? Get proof that she's not messing around. I wish my wife had come clean 6 months ago and told me she was moving on, but they don't do that because divorce is such a major event. Who knows, maybe we could have been friends, but now I hate her more than anyone I've ever hated In my life. Face the light. Get to the root of the problem. Don't give up. Dude, your wife saying she's attracted to other men is not just a red flag, it's a f*****g cannonball that was shot at your head. Wake the hell up and take action, NOW!

Edited October 19, 2013 by thefatherof1

[Car guy]

Well, Friday night and today was hell. We got along great friday eve, but when the kids got put into bed, we started talking. Seeing her act like a couple in front of the kids, and then as a friend when the lights go out is not going to last very long with me. It's hard for me to understand her side, when all she does is tell me there is no spark. WTF does that mean? It seems so shallow to me, to tell someone that after all we've been through. So shallow, that it starts to piss me off, and makes me want to lash out. I know that won't solve anything, so I just go about my day as there is nothing wrong. Trying to be the tough guy. I don't know how long I can put on the face though, as this **** hurts to the very sole... 7 months of MC we agreed till we make an decision on the big D. That way my oldest daughter can finish kindergarden. It will also give us time to clean up some projects around the house. The one thing she said that I found odd was that we are to remain true to each other during that time frame, and if things are going well, but not %100, then more than 7 months is ok with her. <-- that shows me she is wanting a fix,... right?

[thefatherof1]

I know it's tough and the last thing a man wants to hear is his wife no longer loves him. If she doesn't love you then you must accept this fact, and the fact is, you're in a marriage with someone who is no longer emotionally committed to you. If she's attracted to other men there's a 99% probability an affair happening. BTW-my wife lost 50 lbs and her weight loss started when the affair did...huge red flag! The damage to the relationship with your wife post separation will be a thousand times worse, take my word for it. When my wife told me she was attracted to another man, I wish I had done things differently. I would have told myself to 1) Talk to a lawyer and get legal advice on how your life, assets, money and kids will look after a divorce. I wouldn't tell her you met with a lawyer at this point, just think of it as the "mentally preparing" and "information gathering" stage. 2) Print, read and follow "The 180" rules (see below). Yes, these rules will be tough because you still love her, but it's the best chance you have of saving your wife, marriage and dignity. 3) Find a good marriage counselor. 4) Talk to your wife about legally separating and the possibility of both of you dating other people. If your wife discovers after some dating (if you can live with this) she wants to come back then you can start rebuilding your marriage. If she doesn't come back, it wasn't in the cards. This is what I would've done differently and you may choose another path. Grow some balls and take some action. Be a man. If you show her your confident and can accept the situation and move on with your life, you may have a chance of your wife reconnecting with you. Like Sting said; "If you love someone, set them free". You have kids so you will always have a relationship with her regardless of what happens. If an affair happens like in my case, it will be extremely hard if not impossible for you to ever trust her again. I think waiting 7 months is a bad idea. What are you waiting for? A train wreck? This is a disaster waiting to happen. By the time I discovered the 180, it was too late.

 

The 180

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don't schedule dates together.

 

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

 

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

Edited October 21, 2013 by thefatherof1

[JAG26]

Hi Carguy,

 

My feelings and prayers are with you. I went through the exact same motion 2 months back, got the exact same words "I dont feel the spark for you anymore". unfortunately, there was a full blown EA and PA which came to light. I've been devastated since then and trying to pick up pieces of my own life. We've started seeing the MC, its been a roller coaster ride since then. She been remorseful, apologetic and has stopped the EA/PA (I believe her on this one). But so much damage has already been done, I dont know whether there is a way back for our marriage. We have nonetheless decided to continue working on it.

 

As other members suggest, you may still have time to salvage things, if an affair has not happened. Keep the hope. Take care of yourself and your work. You need to be strong for your daughters.

 

Its unbelievably sad that we are all strangers here. Most likely from different parts of the world. Having completely different backgrounds, upbringing, etc. Face exactly the same ****ed up situation within 7 years of our marriages. Why did someone not tell this to me before it was too late. Why didnt we listen? Its surreal. Sometimes feels like a bad dream that I desperately want to be woken up from.

 

JAG

[Car guy]

 

Its unbelievably sad that we are all strangers here. Most likely from different parts of the world. Having completely different backgrounds, upbringing, etc. Face exactly the same ****ed up situation within 7 years of our marriages. Why did someone not tell this to me before it was too late. Why didnt we listen? Its surreal. Sometimes feels like a bad dream that I desperately want to be woken up from.

 

JAG

 

So true. Thanks Jag.

[cozycottagelg]

I am in the same spot, at year 7 of my marriage the same thing happened. Except I'm the wife. We are at year 8 now. So I've been miserable for some time. I kind of wish that I had pulled the bandaid a long time ago. I don't think allowing my husband to hold on for this long has helped him at all.

 

Good luck. Life is hard.

[Car guy]

I am in the same spot, at year 7 of my marriage the same thing happened. Except I'm the wife. We are at year 8 now. So I've been miserable for some time. I kind of wish that I had pulled the bandaid a long time ago. I don't think allowing my husband to hold on for this long has helped him at all.

 

Good luck. Life is hard.

 

Any more input from the other side wouldn't hurt.

 

Could he have done something different?

Could you have done something different?

Did you slip into this, or was it just a flash in the face one day?

Do you have any fight left in ya?

 

 

As of today, I got my own checking account (different bank) and as of tomorrow I'm having my pay checks go into that one. We will pay bills together from now on. Also getting set up on my own credit card this week. I need this for me, as it was part of what freaked me out about the hole deal. She did the bill paying from our joint account, and I could view it, but it was joint. I'm done with that. I'm not going to keep anything from her, but I need my space too. I'm also going to set up some cooking classes for myself, so I can learn how to cook for the girls and myself. If she wants some (my cooking), she can ask for it.

 

I love those 180 notes btw, GREAT INFO!!!

[vla1120]

After my second daughter was born, my thyroid and hormones were completely haywire. I know it doesn't happen to everyone and I'm not saying that's her issue, but I did become a completely different person until I got my thyroid and hormones under control. Your youngest might be two years old, so she wouldn't think it would be related to postpartum, but it can last that long! It's worth a trip to her doctor to make sure.

[Movingforward2]

So true. Thanks Jag.

 

Jag, Car Guy,

 

The amount I appreciate this thread is unbelievable! My wife finally told me what was going on last night (EA a couple months back that has sense ended), and I now can wrap my head around it. It was like a sense of total relief for me to move on. However, my goal is to make it work no matter what......I have a lot of faults and am working through those. As excrutiating as it was to hear it, I feel so much better. I could not for the life of me figure it out....I now have courage to let her go after hearing that, and at the same time, I felt her in some way put her guard down. She's not going to do better on the other side, she knows it. But that's up to her....I can't control it. I've had to hang in there for 3 months not knowing what the hell was going on, but I now know my future is going to be bright, one way or another.

 

Car Guy - continue the 180. Don't quit. Don't give up. If you believe you can make it work, you can make it work. But it will only work if your partner is willing to change.

 

God does work miracles. It's all about your attitude. When you get knocked the F*** down (which is what has happened to all of us) it's how you get back up.

 

Help somebody else. Pray for somebody else. What you put into something, you will get it out.

 

I know it's easier said than done. Do yourself a favor:

1.) Get to a church

2.) Get to a counselor

3.) Get to a gym

 

Pray your tail off. Read books. Get busy with life.

 

Hang in there!

[cozycottagelg]

Any more input from the other side wouldn't hurt.

 

Could he have done something different?

Could you have done something different?

Did you slip into this, or was it just a flash in the face one day?

Do you have any fight left in ya?

 

There are a lot of things he could have done differently. Nothing was a major issue, but I let everything go instead of dealing with it in a direct manner. My biggest issue with him was never wanting to do things with me and the kids. It was very, very frustrating to do everything with them alone.

 

I could have brought it up more often I suppose. I felt like I did. He really didn't listen or try to change until I was checked out though. He had so many opportunities to do the right thing, and he always opted out.

 

It was definitely something that happened over time. I mean, I was head over heels in love with this man at one time. It's hard to picture and remember now, but he was my whole world. So it wasn't a flash...

 

I have no fight left. And the fact that he is fighting so hard makes it really difficult.

[Car guy]

Thank you all for your input. It's up and down over here. I started the 180 yesterday, and it has helped. Last night she asked me if I was ok, and my answer was "Yep." She asked how my day at work went, "It went well." I made room in the garage to do my workout stuff out there (punching bag, weights, pull up bar, etc..) and got to it. I'm pretty lucky as I had already started Weight Watchers in Aug (18th), and I'm down 17 lbs since.

 

I feel good, I feel like crap, off, on, off, on,... but I'm not going to show it. I'm there for her, but not going out of my way. I'm finding things to do to get out of here and keep my mind busy.

 

Keep posting your thoughts, your insight, your issues, it 'WILL' help all of us.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you all for your input. It's up and down over here. I started the 180 yesterday, and it has helped. Last night she asked me if I was ok, and my answer was "Yep." She asked how my day at work went, "It went well." I made room in the garage to do my workout stuff out there (punching bag, weights, pull up bar, etc..) and got to it. I'm pretty lucky as I had already started Weight Watchers in Aug (18th), and I'm down 17 lbs since.

Good stuff and an example for others in the same unfortunate situation. Those are positive steps that have obvious benefits for you regardless of the outcome of your marital problems.

 

Keep it up ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Car guy]

Oh, and one other thing. I know it's only been a week, but over the last few days I noticed that I'm getting way more in control of my emotion toward the fact that it might be over. It still hurts, but it's like the bandaid has been pulled, and it's in recovery/giving it some air. I'm %100 in for the MC, but it's like I'm starting to get numb to the whole thing (seeing her, hear her talk, being around her) which is really weird. The photo of her at her worst and me at my best helps tons. I'm a sexy beast ya know