RightThere Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 You'll go up and down for a while. So try not to get too high during the upswings because it's important not to get too low during the downswings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Can any of you give examples of this? "33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner." Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Are you sure she isn't interested in someone she works with? Have you hired a sitter and planned a date night out? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) Can any of you give examples of this? "33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner." Maybe I can. My former husband and a girl showed up at the corner of a traffic light where I turn into my sub-division. His big silver Mercedes, top down, we were at the light, on opposite sides, however, I needed to make a left turn to go in my sub-division. As he drove thru the light, his head turned like the exorsist girl, as somehow drove strIggt thru light, and I paused in intersection, till traffic slowed for me to turn. There was no reason in the world for him to be in my neighborhood, especially stopped at the light where I must turn into my sub-division. I do think I applied this rule. But not at first. At first I reacted as soon as I got home. I texted a couple times, stuff like, "maybe you can think of a different location to take the lady?". Smart mouth stuff like. I was not going to let this go by, because it did cause me some discomfort - and was completely unnecessary. The next day I was calmer. I left a voice mail without being judgmental, I did not get mad, nor was I in moral outrage. But I did apply the rule, in this way. I contacted him, and suggested there are many other places in his own neighborhood he can take the young lady. I admitted, that to have to see this kind of thing right here near my home I found to be painful, because, even though we are no longer "in love" - "I still felt love for him." That, we both are moving on with our lives, and dating is expected, but he would never see me bringing my dates into his neighborhood in my convertible. That I kept my personal business desceet - because I know he has customers in the area. So, I interpreted the rule by discussing how his conduct made me feel - yet I dropped a message in there about my acceptance of the situation, and I was respectful. (But to tell you the truth - that thing he did rattled me Big Time). He has been stalking my house ever since. Day and middle of the night. Hope this helps. Anyone out there that believes this to be an incorrect interpretation of the rules, just say so. Yas Edited October 23, 2013 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Can any of you give examples of this? "33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner." Yes, I do think it involves enforcing YOUR healthy boundary without high emotions showing. My exH used to "drop by" without asking. I simply explained that it was his responsibility to "ask permission first" instead of showing up unannounced. It irritated me to see him at my door when I wasn't expecting him - he loved catching me off guard! I removed that possibility...especially when I told him "I'm not answering the door if YOU haven't asked me ahead of time to be here". I get a "say" in it now! And I can say no whenever I choose to! I'm no longer "at the mercy of his control and manipulative ways". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 Great info from both of you. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 Up, Down, Up, Down.... The lows aren't as bad, the highs aren't as good. It's been 1 week now. I've gotten some interesting reactions from the 180 stuff already. The other night, she asked me if I was ok. "Yep". Then she asked me if I had given up on us,..."Nope". I then told her I was working on some personal issues, and she should do the same. I also talked to her about walking in my room topless, and that it was not a nice thing to do to someone. I told her that she should put a shirt on asap. I think that hit her hard, but who knows... Either we are going to fix this and move on together, or we are gonna find out our true feelings and go down different paths. I'm ok with either one now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Isn't it a good sign that she is walking in the room toppless? My W is acting like a nun, covering herself and hiding in her pj's in the house at night. I would take her walking into my room toppless as a positive sign that she was still trying to keep my attention on her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 I see it as her trying to control the situation. Keep me on a leash, waiting for her. Not gonna happen. I'm working on me, and I don't need that right now. She got the point, and it will allow us to focus on the issue. I'm glad she is not like others, but I am worth more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Good man!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I see it as her trying to control the situation. Keep me on a leash, waiting for her. Not gonna happen. I'm working on me, and I don't need that right now. She got the point, and it will allow us to focus on the issue. I'm glad she is not like others, but I am worth more. Women use sex to get what they want. They know men will take it as "we had sex, everything must be good now." I know I was of that mindset for a looooooong time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 I have to concur with RightThere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Oh boy is she mad,.... I just got done with our first talk. I was calm, cool, didn't say too much. She is freaking out. "Why have you been eating in the other room?" "Why have you not been talking to me much?" "Is everything ok?" Then she went off. She is loosing control of the "break", as she thought she was gonna be able to have me sitting at her feet, waiting for her. Nope. I love this 180 stuff, this works. I feel like a different person, and she was not expecting it. I know she is hurting right now, and wants to talk about "us", but I told her only in MC will we be talking about "us", and I said goodnight, and shut the door (to her room). I'm on a path, and I don't know where it goes, but it feels good so I'm going with it. I'm gonna work hard in MC, and on myself, and if it works out for us great. If not, I know I deserve better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless. 1. Physical/emotional abuse/abandonment by either 2. Drug/alcohol abuse....by either 3. Mental illness...by either 4. 3rd party involvement....by either. Now this is not an absolute list.... there are many exceptions..too much xbox, too many buddies, etc., but that would cover 95% pick your poison 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless. 1. Physical/emotional abuse/abandonment by either 2. Drug/alcohol abuse....by either 3. Mental illness...by either 4. 3rd party involvement....by either. Now this is not an absolute list.... there are many exceptions..too much xbox, too many buddies, etc., but that would cover 95% pick your poison 1. We are both pretty calm people, I learned never to raise my hand to a woman. 2. Nope, neither of us drink/420 3. could be part of the post pardom, not sure, but MC next tuesday and I'll be bringing that up. 4. I know she is attracted to a co-worker, she told me, but it was just to prove that it's not post pardom (thinking if it was PP, she would not be attracted to anyone. I think that is bull, but we will talk about it in MC) I believe nothing has happened there either. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I think you need a serious talk with her regarding her coworker. You need answers about how much she communicates with him and what that entails. Also how much has she seen him one on one? She may have plans to be intimate with him - and that's what you need to find out. Start finding answers to questions about him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 I got some inside info, that I don't want to put out there on the net. I'm digging a bit deeper as we go. More on that in a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
thefatherof1 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) I'm glad to hear the 180 is working, keep it up. Now that you have her attention, work on why she is feeling thIs way towards the coworker. Ask her direct questions on what/if anything has happened. What is she missing in the relationship? Shut up, listen and watch her closely when she answers. Does she look you in the eye when answering? What's her nonverbal language saying? Are her arms crossed? Go with your gut. If one of her answers is ambiguous then dig for more answers. Maybe you got lucky and have manned up before anything happened. Good luck. Edited October 25, 2013 by thefatherof1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless. 1. Physical/emotional abuse/abandonment by either 2. Drug/alcohol abuse....by either 3. Mental illness...by either 4. 3rd party involvement....by either. Now this is not an absolute list.... there are many exceptions..too much xbox, too many buddies, etc., but that would cover 95% pick your poison Agree with this and, absent 1, 2 or 3, 4 normally wins by default. Very few jump without a place to land... Me. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 I am just gathering info at this point. I have some access to the "info", but not all of it. From what I've seen, she does like him, but he has not show that same intrest in return. Our first MC session is on Tuesday eve, and I will be watching body motions to see what I'm up against. If I show any sign of moving on/doing my own thing, she gets sooo pissy. It sucks. I want to be there for her, but I'm not going to be "on call" I hate that feeling, and I won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Ding, ding, ding.... we have a winner! #4!! I found an E-mail that she sent. Confessing her love, and her emotion towards this "guy". I guess she told him in person a few days ago (when we agreed to not doing anything untill MC was worked through) and he turned her down... I told her that is cheating, doesn't matter if you did it or not, you tried. We are done. We are still going to MC on Tuesday, but in hopes to save our friendship. I told her that right now I don't want her in my life, and she needed to really think through what she did to us. I also told her that I was in love with the person she was, not what she looked like, so now there was no attraction on my side. More to come, thanks for replying, and keep the input coming. It helps me, and others from the looks of it. Edited October 28, 2013 by Car guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Ding, ding, ding.... we have a winner! #4!! I found an E-mail that she sent. Confessing her love, and her emotion towards this "guy". I guess she told him in person a few days ago (when we agreed to not doing anything untill MC was worked through) and he turned her down... I told her that is cheating, doesn't matter if you did it or not, you tried. We are done. We are still going to MC on Tuesday, but in hopes to save our friendship. I told her that right now I don't want her in my life, and she needed to really think through what she did to us. I also told her that I was in love with the person she was, not what she looked like, so now there was no attraction on my side. More to come, thanks for replying, and keep the input coming. It helps me, and others from the looks of it. Cheaters are liars, you can't trust anything she tells you as evidenced by her email. Pull her head out of her ass with a good shot of reality. Tell her your conditions for remaining in your marriage, one of them should be a wife who isn't openly dating. She will have to change jobs, they can't work together anymore. Tell her your prepared to move on with or without her, she needs to find a way to fix this mess that she created, independent counseling is an absolute requirement, she needs to get to the root of her problem that caused her to trash her family for a fantasy. She needs to know that she is free to date other men, just not as your wife. How can bringing a third person into your marriage fix any issues inside the marriage? Something not quite right with her logic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Car guy Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) We are not staying married, period. It would be very unhealthy at this point. She has made her bed, now she has to lay in it. I told her that I was not a perfect husband, and I can see that now, but she is not perfect either. I might be a "bad husband", but I'm not a bad person like she is. Edited October 28, 2013 by Car guy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 We are not staying married, period. It would be very unhealthy at this point. She has made her bed, now she has to lay in it. I told her that I was not a perfect husband, and I can see that now, but she is not perfect either. I might be a "bad husband", but I'm not a bad person like she is. Hoping for the best for you during the bumpy ride ahead. I guess it's good to finally have an answer but it sucks when the answer is cheating, whether emotional and/or physical. Keep posting, let us know how it goes. The next step is often her coming to you and swearing "it will never happen again"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
thefatherof1 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Well that's bad news. Unfortunately this means she's probably cheated in the past and/or just ended an affair with the current guy. It sounds like you've made the decision to cut the rope and move on, so I wish you all the luck. Remember to turn all that bad energy into positive energy because this is the key to living a happy life. "There will always be laughter after pain. There will always be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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