7 year itch? Or is it over?

[RightThere]

I feel you. Fake it till you make it is painful. You just want to scream "No, I'm not alright. I'm totally messed up!"

 

Although I do have moments where I actually do buy into my own faking. Feels good for a while.

 

Sometimes something will then pop up to bring me back down. I hate to say "It can't get any worse" because it always can and does. I guess I just find my lows aren't as totally low as they were.

 

Getting out will be good for you. Hopefully you'll just find brief stretches of time where you forget about your problems. The more you do it, the longer the stretches become.

 

Hang on and keep posting my friend. Best therapy I've found so far.

[Car guy]

I'm making changes in my life to make me a better person. Tonight, I sold a car that I have been work on, and racing since 2000. This car was my life, my passion, my anger, my sole. I felt like it was time for it to go, as I will not have time for it in the future. This brought joy, and sadness, but in the end, I will have more time for me, and the thing I need to do. I'm sad that I don't have anyone to share it with, as there is so much blood, sweat, and tears into this car, and it has helped me through rougher times. I have just outgrown it, and it's time for a new hobby. Thank you for reading this. Thank you to those that have replied to this thread. Thank you to those that have shared your hart ache. I'm so full of emotion right now, and my wife of 7 years is off in the other room, showing no emotion.... I need out....

 

[RightThere]

Keep posting. I'll keep reading because I know how much it has helped me.

[Car guy]

Thanks.

[Car guy]

update: So, I sold my car Friday ere. I was pretty down, couldn't shut my brain off. I went to bed around 1:30am, didn't fall asleep till 4ish. She came in sat morning, and put her head on my back. She ask how I was doing, and to sleep in if needed. First sign of compassion in awhile, but I put blockers up.

 

Sunday eve, she went to a fund raiser for her friend with stage 4 cancer. She told me on the way out that the "crush won't be there, and for me not to worry." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Oh, that's too bad. I know how much time you like spending with him. Maybe next time, huh?" and this was said like a friend, nothing sarcastic. She wasn't expecting that. I really don't care now, just need to get through the holidays, and then on my own.

 

Next, Sunday eve, she got her hair cut, and was asking if I liked it. She keeps her hair short, and I like it long, so I told her that. "Looked better when it was longer" She didn't take that well, and came over to hug me. I did hug her, but as a friend, and I push her away after about 5 sec. I don't like mixed signals, and I don't like wishy washy people. I told her she needs to focus on herself, and what is meant to be will happen.

 

180 is full effect, except I don't think I want her back. If it helps her get over her crush, then so be it, but I'm not gonna be her landing mat when she is down.

Edited November 4, 2013 by Car guy

[RightThere]

Good job!

 

And for discussions with your wife, I'd keep them even shorter.

 

"Other guy isn't going to be at the party" - You: "OK"

 

"What do you think of my hair?" - You: "It's fine"

 

Don't allow her to give you mixed signals if you are moving on (I said "IF").

[Car guy]

Good job!

 

And for discussions with your wife, I'd keep them even shorter.

 

"Other guy isn't going to be at the party" - You: "OK"

 

"What do you think of my hair?" - You: "It's fine"

 

Don't allow her to give you mixed signals if you are moving on (I said "IF").

 

 

Noted. I'm trying to things level so the split goes smooth. After that, we will be able to focus much better, and that will help me.

[RightThere]

I'm trying to things level so the split goes smooth.

 

Same here. I figure I'll swallow all my pride and continue letting her have the last word on everything until I get a separation agreement signed.

 

Although I've been finding it's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario. You be mean, they go crazy. You be nice, they think you're up to something and they go crazy.

[Car guy]

You be mean, they go crazy. You be nice, they think you're up to something and they go crazy.

 

Exactly. I wish sometimes I would just give this "Crush"'s wife a call/E-mail... and then let his boss know about the messages during work hours, and on work computers.... end his "joy".... I asked her if there was information on this message system that could get her/him in trouble, and she said, "yes." Not sure what it is, but it sounded very bad for a work chat....

Edited November 4, 2013 by Car guy

[RightThere]

Yup . Don't play all your cards right away.

 

I've kept very silent about all my STBXW's infidelities and have not told very many people. I know it will just cause a s#!%storm when I do so I'll wait until everything is settled because I don't NEED to do that right now.

[beach]

Exactly. I wish sometimes I would just give this "Crush"'s wife a call/E-mail... and then let his boss know about the messages during work hours, and on work computers.... end his "joy".... I asked her if there was information on this message system that could get her/him in trouble, and she said, "yes." Not sure what it is, but it sounded very bad for a work chat....

 

Go ahead. May as well show her consequences for the behavior she creates.

[Car guy]

Go ahead. May as well show her consequences for the behavior she creates.

 

I think of that, and if it saves someone else the hart ache by letting it be know, then maybe I did the right thing. I think this guy needs to be in pain for what he did/does to women. I've seen info that tells me this is "sport" for him...

[beach]

Well, looks like your W is willing to play his game.

 

I'd be mad at her too. It looks like you took what I was saying regarding your wife and his wife and turned the focus in the OM.

 

Your W was a "willing participant".

[Car guy]

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[Car guy]

Up, down, up, down.... this sucks...

 

I did MC on my own last night. I got a lot of good info on how to deal with this. I also ran some ideas by him to see if I should act, or lay low. It was good for me, and when I got home, it was good for us. We talked for a bit, and she said, "I don't want to loose us" "I want you" which made me feel good, but I didn't act on it. I told her that I think about her alot, and that I want us to continue working on this. We have a long way to go, but I need to see some effort from her side. That is when we got off track a bit. She asked, "What kind of effort?"

I said, "Delete this guy from your face book, move your desk, change your lunch hour, get away from him." She seemed to pull back at this point, and she said she would try.

 

I asked her today how things were going, and got the "I will try to cut him out but I don't know how successful I will be."

 

WTF!!! That right there pushed me over the edge. I don't think 1 damn thing has changed in the last 3 weeks. I think she is still on the "hook" and is hanging onto me incase it doesn't work out with "crush". I'm so full of anger, and hate, I just want to call this dudes wife and tell her everything. The minute I let my gard down, and believed her, she goes and flops again... I'm to hurt now, she is killing us, and has no knowledge of it....

[RightThere]

I said, "Delete this guy from your face book, move your desk, change your lunch hour, get away from him." She seemed to pull back at this point, and she said she would try.

 

I asked her today how things were going, and got the "I will try to cut him out but I don't know how successful I will be."

 

WTF!!! That right there pushed me over the edge. I don't think 1 damn thing has changed in the last 3 weeks. I think she is still on the "hook" and is hanging onto me incase it doesn't work out with "crush". I'm so full of anger, and hate, I just want to call this dudes wife and tell her everything. The minute I let my gard down, and believed her, she goes and flops again... I'm to hurt now, she is killing us, and has no knowledge of it....

 

Sorry to hear it. My STBXW did the same thing. She would go through the motions of reconciliation, but not actually do any of the hard work to make it happen. It's that they are still "in limbo" and cannot (or will not) decide one way or another.

 

What I did (although unsuccessfully) was be super great guy while she was in limbo, but put my own mental time limit on it. If after say 3 months she was still not willing to make a decision one way or another, then I would switch to full 180 mode and get the ball rolling towards divorce.

 

And you are the safety net. You are the stable guy, does the dishes, pays the mortgage, and is there for her in bad times. But new guy is very exciting, but she really doesn't know him, doesn't know if he can take care of her, doesn't know if he is everything she thinks he is.

 

If you want to reconcile, set a time limit and stick to it (but don't tell her). Because once that time limit is up, she'll see the switch and then feel the full effect of the 180. No more back-up plan. She's all on her own with new guy and she can really decide then because she only has one option now.

 

You're not wrong to ask her to remove herself from this other guy. Him being there will not facilitate proper reconciliation.

[Clay]

It sounds like you need to have her leave. Ask for a separation. Then tell her not to contact you at all. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. It sounds like you have done everything you can to be good to her and shes going to continue to play you until she wakes up. If she loved you that guy would have already been gone. If not then at least the separation will give you time to focus on you. People loose sight of themselves in this. I sure did. Boot her out and focus on getting in good shape and taking care of you. Go hang out with friends and do things you love. I had to completely sever the connection from my xW to help me. It sucks and it hurts but sometimes you have to do it for you.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[Car guy]

MC is helping. Friday she sent the "crush" and E-mail in front of me. She deleted him from her life, moved her lunch hour, and is not dealing with him anymore. She also gave me all her passwords, and has been really been trying with us. I told her that I am on the fence, I could go either way. Time will tell, and her actions will speak louder than words. More to come, thanks for the support.

[beach]

It's a start - let plenty of time pass and see how much effort she makes to repair the damage she caused.

 

Try and stay neutral with her. The one who seems to care the most holds the least amount of power.

[Car guy]

It's a start - let plenty of time pass and see how much effort she makes to repair the damage she caused.

 

Try and stay neutral with her. The one who seems to care the most holds the least amount of power.

 

Doing my best. She did another session of MC tonight. Came home and seemed to be doing a ton better. Told me she saw her crush from across the room and is starting to not let it effect her. She said she is getting a lot more done at work as well. I hope it's all true... I also turned her down for sex tonight, as she was trying to get me in the mood.... lol. That was a first, and she smiled and said, "Well, you'll be in my thoughts." and looked sexy as she closed my door. Feels good to have a little control back in this. I'm not rushing back into anything till I see more action, and she knows it now. I believe she is sorry for all this trouble, and I can see the pain it has caused her (I know what it has caused me)... lucky that not a lot of people know. (easier to move past without others opinions.)

 

One step at a time, one day at a time. I just need to build trust back with this woman, but not at the expense of my dignity.

[nbman]

We are all pulling for you. I am hoping this thread turns into a victory over the 7 year itch!!!!

[Movingforward2]

I'm pulling for you as well. In the same situation, wish I would have went 180 sooner (and still struggle with it)

[Car guy]

Well, things have been better around here for the most part. She is really working on her issues, but I still feel weird about us. After hearing the things she said on Oct 16th, I can't get past some of what happened. She tells me she loves me every day, but she is also going off the deep end... She has since gotten 3 new tatoo's, and started smoking, and I found some weed. I talked to the MC about this, and he believes it is a phase. She is so worried about what people think of her, that she is rebelling (hence the tatoo, smoking, weed...) He said I should just take a deep breath, and not give her any reason to rebel against me. It's hard, because she is marking up her body, and I don't like it. If we stay together, it will always remind me of this time. It is hard enough to get past what she has said to my face, but seeing the marks, it's almost overwelming.

 

I've worked out every day for 4 weeks now. Everyone I know says they can see a huge difference in me. I feel good about myself, and I feel focused. I just don't want her to keep going down this path. It feels like she is doing this in steps, and when she told me about the tattoo today, it was like she was looking for my reaction, more than approval. I said,"It's your body." and that surprised her. I'm worried what is next.... My hart hurts for her, and she said she has felt "alone" for awhile now. I just don't know when she will stop....

[firemanq]

Oh boy is she mad,.... I just got done with our first talk. I was calm, cool, didn't say too much. She is freaking out.

 

"Why have you been eating in the other room?"

 

"Why have you not been talking to me much?"

 

"Is everything ok?"

 

Then she went off. She is loosing control of the "break", as she thought she was gonna be able to have me sitting at her feet, waiting for her. Nope. I love this 180 stuff, this works. I feel like a different person, and she was not expecting it. I know she is hurting right now, and wants to talk about "us", but I told her only in MC will we be talking about "us", and I said goodnight, and shut the door (to her room). I'm on a path, and I don't know where it goes, but it feels good so I'm going with it. I'm gonna work hard in MC, and on myself, and if it works out for us great. If not, I know I deserve better.

 

And now, the power is leaving her and flowing to you. Keep cool, it is good practice for the down days and nights. Besides, it will drive her crazy and she will start to have doubts.

[Movingforward2]

That's great Car-guy. Keep it up. I was doing great on the NC until today......