Will He Come Back in One Year?

[simplicity1]

I met an incredible guy while traveling on the opposite side of the world. I quickly learned from Facebook that he had a girlfriend of SIX YEARS, and so all summer I was very careful to approach him only as a friend.However, he became increasingly eager to hang out and text. I also learned that he was planning to apply to school in my country beginning next September (10 months from now), and that he would be coming to visit my country just one month after my trip. And so, thinking that this increase in communication would help me remain friends with him after heading back home, and realizing that he actually might play a role in my future, I kept in touch.

 

As the classic story goes, it gradually became evident that we were both so naturally attracted to each other and he started to express how he was developing deep feelings for me. I was THRILLED! Deeply attracted to this guy, physically and emotionally. I've been single for 2+ years and hadn't met anyone like him. He confessed how immensely attracted he was to me and how exciting he finds my life choices.I tried to set a limit for what was appropriate to say but gradually just let him say what he was comfortable with. He didn't say anything too crazy, just how sad he was that we hadn't spent more time just the two of us having great conversations...how he thinks our academic interests would make us a great team..occasionally something like "wow, just learned that if I marry someone from your country I earn citizenship!" just insinuations. And always commenting on how there's so much he wishes he could say to me but he just can't be totally transparent right now because of his commitment to his girlfriend.

 

His story: he doesn't feel his girlfriend is pursuing enough in her life, and they fight a lot. But he cares about her and wants to give her a chance to work on it and he can't commit to anything now but maybe if and when he moves to my country if he were single we would try something. He said even the distance wouldn't stop him from pursuing something with me right now..only his current commitment and his feeling that he must think of her emotion as well and give her a fair chance to fix things in their current relationship.

 

We spoke every day for two months. In the middle of this we spent a weekend together while he visited my country (he was there for academic reasons). It was an AMAZING weekend together, and while we didn't do anything crazily regretful, there were still many tender hugs along the way, some teasing, and some deep conversations. After that weekend I had fallen too hard. I started freaking out that I was falling into the classic "other woman" trap. He seemed to derive so much satisfaction every time I expressed emotion towards him and every time I let him express things to me. I think it was giving him an ego boost, but he claims he's just really crazy for me but also really confused about the situation because he's been with his GF for so long and cares a lot about her.

 

We tried to "be friends" but one or both of us kept slipping into more emotional talk and insinuations about the future. He's been clear that he cannot promise anything about the future. 1 week ago I called it off, saying I couldn't handle ANYTHING that felt half-in, half-out, that I was feeling increasingly like "the other woman," and that it was clear we were not able to transition immediately to friends because we kept slipping, and that the future was so uncertain. He was really sad, wishing we could keep at least expressing whatever was on our minds to each other.

 

I very very sadly know that this is probably a healthier path for me, but I've also been single for over 2 years now and this is the first time in YEARS I've met someone I could truly see myself with. I REALLY WANT TO MAKE CHOICES THAT MAXIMIZE MY LIKELIHOOD OF BEING WITH HIM!! I'd get on a plane and go back to his country for a few weeks to visit him if he would just commit... He'll hear back from schools in 4 or 5 months! But at the same time I feel like I need to value myself in the present moment and not let myself get caught up in a fantasy that he is willing to dream about but not willing to act on right now.

 

So it seems to me that this story is set apart by the extra wrinkle that he may move to my country in less than a year, and maybe this justifies his delay in decision making? Or is the sad truth that he's not as into me as he claims to be, or else he wouldn't ever risk me getting away?

 

Mostly just looking for some feedback on how I handled things and how I can retain my self confidence while maximizing my future chances with him. Because right now I am feeling addicted to him, constantly fantasizing about our future and hoping that he's single one day soon.

 

Thanks for any help.

[simplicity1]

Thanks for the response.

 

Is it true that if his attraction was strong enough he would have taken more concrete action already? Is his inaction a sign that he's really after an ego boost, or might his story of respecting his gf by giving her another chance despite his intense emotion towards me really be true ?

[Eggplant]

If he talks to you that way again, tell him you're insulted that he would dare, given that he's attached. He's insulting you. Be cold. If he wants to look for other people to date, he needs to end his relationship. By the way, RED FLAG.

 

Secondly, if you really do want him (I advise you not to want him), doing what I just said is your best shot at getting him.

[LilGirlandOW]

He may be back, don't put your life on hold waiting. Best of luck Op xoxo

[Criticality]

Thanks for the response.

 

Is it true that if his attraction was strong enough he would have taken more concrete action already? Is his inaction a sign that he's really after an ego boost, or might his story of respecting his gf by giving her another chance despite his intense emotion towards me really be true ?

 

If anything, his inaction is a sign that he treats all the time invested in a six year relationship seriously, by giving it the time and effort needed to try and fix things.

 

And that he's smart enough to realize that no matter how strong the attraction, you two don't really know each other.

 

If he had just been after an ego boost, you probably wouldn't have been treated to that story, instead he would have gone for the classic: "I'm juuuust about to break up with my girlfriend, but she's suicidal. But I'll do it next week, promise! So see? We can mess around, cause I've already broken up with her in my heart!" instead.

 

I strongly doubt that he'll be with her if/when he comes to the US. If they're going through trouble now, he probably realizes that a long distance relationship isn't going to work. But that doesn't mean you should wait around for him.

[Darren Steez]

If anything, his inaction is a sign that he treats all the time invested in a six year relationship seriously, by giving it the time and effort needed to try and fix things.

 

And that he's smart enough to realize that no matter how strong the attraction, you two don't really know each other.

 

If he had just been after an ego boost, you probably wouldn't have been treated to that story, instead he would have gone for the classic: "I'm juuuust about to break up with my girlfriend, but she's suicidal. But I'll do it next week, promise! So see? We can mess around, cause I've already broken up with her in my heart!" instead.

 

I strongly doubt that he'll be with her if/when he comes to the US. If they're going through trouble now, he probably realizes that a long distance relationship isn't going to work. But that doesn't mean you should wait around for him.

 

This

 

The very fact he said to you he's giving her time to fix it and he won't commit to you should have thrown up the red flags.

 

Is it love, attraction or manipulation on his part? He knows how you feel and will continue to play on it. As hard as it is, you're better off without.

[unodos1011]

If he is giving his gf a "fair chance" has he told her about you? How are things fair if she doesn't know she's in a fight for her long term relationship?? Also, he mentions citizenship if he gets married, that doesn't sound as if he's romantically looking into the future. Worst case scenario...what if you two go along for a while, get married, and then he bring his ex??

 

He will be in a relationship until he gets here, maybe longer. I think you should continue to live your life for yourself, don't limit your relationships. Let things work themselves out naturally instead of treating it like an equation.

[simplicity1]

This

 

The very fact he said to you he's giving her time to fix it and he won't commit to you should have thrown up the red flags.

 

Is it love, attraction or manipulation on his part? He knows how you feel and will continue to play on it. As hard as it is, you're better off without.

 

I thought the previous poster's point was that it speaks well of him that he's giving his GF a chance to fix things, not that it should raise red flags?

[simplicity1]

Started NC a week ago, but just debating whether I'm best off with NC or with staying in touch in some capacity. Hard to choose.

[Snipercatt]

From all that you've posted I'd be careful that this fella isn't looking to "trade up".

 

He sees you as being more ambitious than his current girlfriend and as a ticket to citizenship in your country. Let him find his own way without you providing him a soft landing.

 

If he is willing to gain citizenship the old fashioned way, has cut his relationship with other women, then maybe you can consider a future together.

[waytogo]

His story: he doesn't feel his girlfriend is pursuing enough in her life, and they fight a lot. But he cares about her and wants to give her a chance to work on it and he can't commit to anything now but maybe if and when he moves to my country if he were single we would try something. He said even the distance wouldn't stop him from pursuing something with me right now..only his current commitment and his feeling that he must think of her emotion as well and give her a fair chance to fix things in their current relationship.

 

Sorry, this sounds like a load. I was once involved with a person who said things like this to others. He did earn a degree in a field many consider prestigious but wasn't that successful at it. He expressed concerns of my money making ability in my field, I made more money than he did. He also turned out to be a drug addict, chronic liar and blame shifter.

 

Don't let the excitement of a new acquaintance have you believing everything he says. The person I spoke of, always made a point not to be in-between relationships. It wasn't about protecting the last person in his life. He thought a cure to his misery was going to be someone else. When whatever person didn't cure it as no one could while he ignored his issues, he'd start a replacement plan before leaving the one who didn't fix him.

 

This guy is putting you in the replacement plan role. You aren't going to fix his issues either and next you'll be the one 'he doesn't want to hurt but your standards just don't meet his hi quality'.

 

RUN

[simplicity1]

If anything, his inaction is a sign that he treats all the time invested in a six year relationship seriously, by giving it the time and effort needed to try and fix things.

 

And that he's smart enough to realize that no matter how strong the attraction, you two don't really know each other.

 

If he had just been after an ego boost, you probably wouldn't have been treated to that story, instead he would have gone for the classic: "I'm juuuust about to break up with my girlfriend, but she's suicidal. But I'll do it next week, promise! So see? We can mess around, cause I've already broken up with her in my heart!" instead.

 

I strongly doubt that he'll be with her if/when he comes to the US. If they're going through trouble now, he probably realizes that a long distance relationship isn't going to work. But that doesn't mean you should wait around for him.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your helpful responses. @Criticality I felt that your response was particularly on target given everything I know about him and about the situation. He cares about the effort he and his GF have put into the relationship and knows that we don't "really" know each other they way they do. If he moves here then there's a good chance I'll be on his radar, but until then I need to get on with my life.

 

Still unsure if NC maximizes my chances of him remembering me positively, but I'll just keep it up for now while I cool down from the emotion.

 

This board has been great. Thanks again everyone.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I thought the previous poster's point was that it speaks well of him that he's giving his GF a chance to fix things, not that it should raise red flags?

 

Th red flag you need pay attention to is, he chose her, not you. If he felt all the things he says he does, why would he let you go? It makes no sense. He is letting you know that she can fix their problems otherwise he wouldnt still try. He isnt done with her.

[simplicity1]

He tried really hard to convince me to give friendship a try with the following simple argument (paraphrased): "I want you in my life, but I have a girlfriend right now. Yes my gf and I are having problems and yes maybe when I move to your country we'll get to know each other in a more romantic way but for you're own mental health I don't want you fixating on that or having expectations. Regardless of the outcome of my gf I want you in my life, even if it means suppressing my feelings. So just be my friend, and I'll do everything I can to keep in line and be a good friend to you."

 

I bit, but very with a lot of expression of my skepticism and conviction that it won't take long for me to run back to NC.

 

Any thoughts? Is he genuine here or am I getting played? Is this him just respecting his GF, or is it yet a stronger sign that he doesn't *really* feel much for me and isn't *really* thinking about giving us a chance in the future?

[Dreamworld]

He tried really hard to convince me to give friendship a try with the following simple argument (paraphrased): "I want you in my life, but I have a girlfriend right now. Yes my gf and I are having problems and yes maybe when I move to your country we'll get to know each other in a more romantic way but for you're own mental health I don't want you fixating on that or having expectations. Regardless of the outcome of my gf I want you in my life, even if it means suppressing my feelings. So just be my friend, and I'll do everything I can to keep in line and be a good friend to you."

 

I bit, but very with a lot of expression of my skepticism and conviction that it won't take long for me to run back to NC.

 

Any thoughts? Is he genuine here or am I getting played? Is this him just respecting his GF, or is it yet a stronger sign that he doesn't *really* feel much for me and isn't *really* thinking about giving us a chance in the future?

 

He knows how you feel and wants to string you along. Why wouldn't he want to? And the "friend" part after all that, yeah right. (rolling eyes). And I don't think he's being "fair" or respecting his gf at all. Sorry to be blunt.

 

The more I read here and the more I hear about affairs, it's like there is some sort of International Class of Cheaters where they are all handed out a book of lines to memorize. I am not from the U.S myself and it amazes me time and again no matter where they are from, Asia, America, Europe, South Africa, the moon for all I know, I hear the same lines, the same excuses, the same "care about my wives/husbands/gf/bf so I can't let them go" and the same way people fall for them.

 

I think you should continue NC. Any contact as "just friends" you are just fooling yourself. If he really cares for you I am sure he will pursue you again. After he breaks up with the gf. Until then don't wait around and live your life. Good luck.

[simplicity1]

Hi all, thanks for your help up until now but still really really confused about this and don't know who to turn to.

 

He seems so earnest in his attempt at friendship. He's doing what he can to keep the conversation only friendly, to respect how often I want to talk..everything is so uncertain about his life and mine right now (mainly, whether he will be able to move to the US in the next year, what I will be doing then, and his troubles with his 6 year relationship) that it really seems like his intentions are pure.

 

I brought up concern that this transition to only friendship was torturing me and he said "I'm trying everything I can to make this work and I really hope you are too. I want you in my life but I have a gf right now so it has to be as a friend"

 

He REALLY is someone I would want to be friends with too, but it's hard to go back now that we've confessed our feelings for each other over a few months! I just don't know whether I should keep trying to regulate my feelings, or whether I should give him up, give up our attempt at friendship, and go NC.

 

So damn hard to know what's best.

[simplicity1]

Alright, I pulled the trigger and called it off with him. Said that even from such a distance he was a bad influence on my life, that even his friendly conversations were just temptations, and that I had crossed the line and couldn't go back to being friends.

 

Man it just really sucks, is so sad, that after 2+ years of being single, I meet a guy who has everything I've been looking for, fills me with the 'floating on clouds' feeling. But despite all the interest he surprisingly shows back after my initial purely friendly talks with him the interest is ultimately not enough to get him to consider ending things with his current girlfriend.

 

I guess it's just good I ended things after 3.5 months and not much much longer than that. Hope I'll manage to stick to this NC :(