Help!!! Tony....Ex sent e-mail

[Kristine]

Hello....I haven't posted anything before...but am really enjoying this forum....here is the whole story. It might be long but I really could use an unbiased opinion.

 

I met William through mutual friends in June of 1999. We boated (Skiing/wakeboarding) every weekend with a great group of friends all summer. Eventually our mutual attraction kicked in and we started dating. Everyone said I should stay away from him....but I had NEVER had the kind of chemistry with anyone like with him. Incredible attraction from the minute we met....as my friends said...we were like magnets. Well, he had a pretty bad track record with his past relationships...but I have always loved a challenge. I thought he was the one for me. (I am 36 and he is 39) I had never been married, he divoriced for 3 years when we met. It was magical in the beginning..but 4 months into this it started to fall apart. He had 2 major surgeries (Knee and wrist) and I was there through it all...depression set in and he changed. He started pushing me away. Keeping secrets, evasive and women began calling the house. I tried everything to get him to talk and he said he had terrible dark secrets that he couldn't share (Wouldn't) and that he thought that we wanted different things...(He did not want marraige, kids, etc.) and that he liked things the way they were...light with no strings. I was honest and said that as much as I loved him that I did want marraige and I couldn't be sleeping with him if he was dating others. So gave him back his key and with a heavy heart left him alone. I figured the old notion that "If you set it free, it will come back if it is meant to be". He e-mailed me months later...he missed me and had to talk to me. I was elated. We went to dinner....he said he couldn't live without me. No woman compares...he's tried dating but was in love with me...Just what I wanted to hear???? You bet...we went home made love and it was like a dream , I thought he had finally figured things out. I went home walking on clouds and then "POOF"....no word from him. 2 weeks later he e-mailed. He said he was screwed up and loved me but was scared and didn't know how to show love properly.(Understatement) This went on 2 times more.. Months would go by then e-mail ...same discussions...dinner then "POOF" gone. I finally had enough and told him to quite buzzing my periferal, either jump in or get the $%#@ out of my life. He opted for the later. Said he would never call or e-mail again and that he was truly sorry. He was buying a sail boat and taking off around the world for a year to figure things out. This was end of September..Crushed I tried my best to move on. He went to lunch with my best friend the beginning of this December and he asked about me, said he was having these vivid dreams of me...and basically reminised about us...My friend said he was fishing big time. I was hopeful that maybe he was coming around ..but then the bomb ... We were at a party at Christmas and a buddy of his said he has just moved in with a new girlfriend in December???? He never said a word at lunch???? We didn't even know he was serious with any one person? I felt like I was gut punched. Merry Chritmas.

 

Cut to today , I get this.....

 

"Kristine...I just wanted to say hi and sorry. I know this may not come as a suprise to you given all the times we have been at odds and I have been the one to ask for forgiveness. I only hope that enough time has passsed now for some of the bitterness to subside. I want you to know that you are special no matter what transpired between us. Between us we did have something secret and great and no one can take that away. I often think of you. You were very good to me, especially when I was sick. Just know that I am eternally grateful no matter how you feel about me now. I want to be able to say hi to you and not have you turn away from me if we were to bump into each other.....Yours William"

 

Now we never were a secret...and I am really not bitter.....Just sad. I do not fall in love easily. (2 times in my life) I really had fell hard with this man. I am extremly capable with my career...but am a complete idiot when it comes to love. I wear my heart on my sleeve...and gave myself heart and soul to him. I am so hurt that he would move so quickly with his new girlfriend. I found out they began dating this summer. That was when he was dangeling all those carrots for me to jump for. I feel like I was taken for one big ride. He always said I was too good for him and he was right. I guess now I wonder why he was going through all of this trouble if he is happy with her. I would not go back to him now....he drug us though the dirt and I am disgusted that I was so naive. What is he doing???

 

Any input would be appreciated....Thank you!!!

[Tony T]

He sounds like a pretty sick pup to me. I think he really cared for you a great deal, but I take him at his word that there are things about him that if you knew you would not like. This man will never get very close to you for any period of time because of these things in his life which he has not disclosed to you.

 

This relationship that he is in now will not be successful either.

 

You need to take whatever time is necessary to just forget this episode. You got an awful lot of hints that this guy was NOT somebody you needed to be around, yet you came back again anyway. You have to take the responsiblity for yourself here. You got the signs and paid absolutely no attention to them.

 

I would pay close attention to his reference that the two of you were a secret. This is a giant signal that went right over your head. A man considers a relationship a secret when he is seeing others or when he is married. No point in looking into this now but you just casually dismissed this when it should have been a giant red flag.

 

YOU HAVE GOT TO START PAYING LOTS MORE ATTENTION IN RELATIONSHIPS AND GUIDING YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!!!

 

In all relationships we get signs, good or bad, that indicate to us its fate. If we pay attention, we are rewarded. If we don't, we can get in lots of trouble.

 

It's OK to wear your heart on your sleeve but at the same time keep your head on your shoulders and use it. Forget this guy, heal and move forward. Continuing to wonder about him and exactly what his tactics or strategies were serves no constructive purpose for you. Ignore all further communication with him and do not respond to his messages or communicate with him in any way. Write him totally and completely out of your life NOW!!! How many more times do you want him to screw you over before you might learn not to respond?

 

Don't give up on love, though. There are lots of great guys out there and if you pay close attention to the signals you receive, you will be very successful in romance. Love never fails us, we only fail love by not showing it proper respect by being more careful and attentive to details.

[Kristine]

I guess I needed a little reality check. You are quite right on the paying attention to details. I overlooked more than you can imagine with this guy. He was so charming and smooth and I am a sucker for accents....I knew there was so much he was hiding. I suppose I was hoping to be the one that settled him down.I would have been the one settling though.

 

I guess I need to start acting my age, not my shoe size.....however that goes...when it somes to this a**h***.

 

I am glad you listened....and will respectfully take your terrific advise. For my sanities sake, the games will end here.

He sounds like a pretty sick pup to me. I think he really cared for you a great deal, but I take him at his word that there are things about him that if you knew you would not like. This man will never get very close to you for any period of time because of these things in his life which he has not disclosed to you. This relationship that he is in now will not be successful either. You need to take whatever time is necessary to just forget this episode. You got an awful lot of hints that this guy was NOT somebody you needed to be around, yet you came back again anyway. You have to take the responsiblity for yourself here. You got the signs and paid absolutely no attention to them. I would pay close attention to his reference that the two of you were a secret. This is a giant signal that went right over your head. A man considers a relationship a secret when he is seeing others or when he is married. No point in looking into this now but you just casually dismissed this when it should have been a giant red flag. YOU HAVE GOT TO START PAYING LOTS MORE ATTENTION IN RELATIONSHIPS AND GUIDING YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!!!

 

In all relationships we get signs, good or bad, that indicate to us its fate. If we pay attention, we are rewarded. If we don't, we can get in lots of trouble. It's OK to wear your heart on your sleeve but at the same time keep your head on your shoulders and use it. Forget this guy, heal and move forward. Continuing to wonder about him and exactly what his tactics or strategies were serves no constructive purpose for you. Ignore all further communication with him and do not respond to his messages or communicate with him in any way. Write him totally and completely out of your life NOW!!! How many more times do you want him to screw you over before you might learn not to respond? Don't give up on love, though. There are lots of great guys out there and if you pay close attention to the signals you receive, you will be very successful in romance. Love never fails us, we only fail love by not showing it proper respect by being more careful and attentive to details.