Wife says she'll take the children to another country

[richyfromwgtn]

I live in New Zealand with my wife. She is from South Africa. We moved here from England 2 years ago and w ehave two kids, 1 is 4 and the other is 7 months.

We don;t get along and we never really have but for some reason I just left it and now we are both desperately unhappy with each other.

 

We have no money and both work from home together. Obviously this is a problem too.

 

If I leave her she says she'll take the kids and go back to South Africa, I will not be able get a visa for South Africa.

We've been to counselling but still cannot work out our differences.

 

I feel like I have to make a decision, see my kids grow up in an unhappy household or never see them.

 

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. Is there anyone out there who know what I'm going through?

[canadiansunshine]

This is a very difficult and emotional time for you and your family.

 

Please go VERY slowly and do not make any rash emotional decisions as they have far reaching consequences for everyone.

Do either of you have support from your families?

Have they offered to help mediate your difficulties?

I hope so much that you both will be able to find the answers you need to move forward.

It may take time, but try to keep a very positive mindset and silently ask for the tools & people to help you get through this.

Please remember, that we often repeat patterns so it is very important for us to solve our problems as best we can, otherwise we are more likely to recreate them elsewhere with someone else.

 

Not saying what to do, but just to be cautious and move slowly.

It is great that you are at least attempting counselling, do not leave any stone unturned.

Good luck and Best Wishes!!!

[MassiveAtom]

At least here in the US.

 

One parent cannot take the kids out of the state/province, let alone the country without permission from the other parent. Anything less is kidnapping.

 

SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW!!!!

 

Another thought, She's already weaponizing the kids!! The only thing I can think to do from over here on the other side of the planet is to give you my deepest heartfelt sympathy.

 

BUT, Before all that! Get an attorney and slap her with a restraining order, barring her from taking the kids out of the country, or even out of the city limits.

 

SAY THIS:

 

"Honey, I dont blame you for feeling like you do. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel exactly the same as you. I don't want to fight over the kids, I don't want to fight with you anymore."

 

Then FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! Keep those kids in the country!! And get outta there man!, she's a sinking ship and shes dragging you and the kids down with her. What's scary is, I bet she KNOWS IT! That kids to another country would be enough for me.

 

Father to father, dad to dad, man to man, Yeah, I know how evil it can all seem. And I know how much it hurts. ANd I know you can stand up and say "NO!" Just take is slow and careful to her face, but quickly get a restraining order.

 

mA

[reservoirdog1]

Talk to a lawyer. Like, yesterday.

 

I don't know the law in NZ, but given that one of the kids is a citizen by birth, I don't imagine it's as simple as her just moving to SA.

 

Still, protect your legal rights while you still can.

[confusedleila]

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm in a very similar situation. BUt you need to understand your wife too. She's in a country that's not her own, and she probably feels like there's no one there for her once you get a divorce. I don't know your situation, why you moved to NZ from England but if both of you are really unhappy there, maybe you can make a compromise and move back to England. But like the others said, she can't just pack and leave with the kids.

 

Good luck and be strong

 

Confusedleila

[Lil Honey]

It may not be legal to leave with the children, but it obviously is possible to smuggle them out somehow. There have been numerous times that men have taken their children back to Pakistan or Saudia Arabia or wherever and it is difficult to get them back out.

 

I agree with the others that you need to see an attorney, but that is in no way a guarantee that she won't flee with them. Okay, I don't want to scare you, either. But think of the Personal Protection Order to keep an abusive man away from a woman . . . that piece of paper doesn't keep a desperate person from doing something desperate - and there are a LOT of dead women who had a PPO . . . It's the same idea . . . don't think a piece of paper will protect you.

 

I think that while you are getting your things in order with a lawyer, you are staying on the "good" side of communication with her, so that she is less likely to just take off. That way, there is more opportunity for the two of you to reach a compromise (like moving somewhere to share custody of the kids).

[richyfromwgtn]

Thanks everyone for your views.

 

We're not UK citzens and no longer have the right to reside in England. If I force her to stay in NZ becuase I won't allow the children to leave the country she will always be unhappy, if she's got custody and she's unhappy then my children will also be unhappy.

 

My children's happiness has to come first and I want to do what is best for them, but which way is best, I truly don't know.

[confusedleila]

I wish my husband saw things your way! You'll just have to tell your wife that your children's happiness should be the number one concern. If she takes them away from you where you cannot go see them, then your children will suffer. Try to make her think about ways that she could be happy in NZ (I know it's hard but everything is possible). Or set goals. If we stay together until the kids are this old, or if you stay in NZ until the kids are this old, then we can re-evaluate the situation and make another decision. If she sees a way out of her "misery", it will make it easier for her to stay near you.

 

ConfusedLeila

[MassiveAtom]

I think it was King Solomon who almost cut some kid in two, because the parents were arguing about who loved the kid more.

 

Somebody help me out, I'm crashing here.

[Stinkerbelle]

She took her children to her home country.

 

He misses them horribly; he was a very loving father, and involved in their lives. He still talks to them every day, and tries to go see them when he can. In two years, she has only let them come ONCE to see him.

 

But you have to come to a decision about what to do; in my fiance's case, his marriage was so miserable that he just couldn't live like that anymore. There was no love to save. So they split up.

 

Good luck.

[richyfromwgtn]

Thanks again people. You all know it helps to talk it out and get the outisde-looking-in view.

So yesterday we had a argument and she actually grabbed my head and whacked it against a wall. This happens pretty often but's usually just face-slapping and pushing. I only get physical enough to restrain her. I've never hit her and never will.

 

My oldest son saw this and she didn't stop even though I begged her to not let her children see this happening. It was truly the most horrible thing I have ever experienced - I don't care about myself physcially but when the children see this, it breaks my heart.

 

I took both kids and left and stayed somewhere else the night.

Today I'm getting a solicitor and going to the doctor to get the assault on record.

 

Anything else I should do?

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I think it was King Solomon who almost cut some kid in two, because the parents were arguing about who loved the kid more.

 

Somebody help me out, I'm crashing here.

 

 

Uh, the kid was King David I believe. Not sure......

I think the story goes that 2 women claimed to be the mother, when the suggestion arose to "cut the child in half", only the real mother would not allow this to happen. I believe she gave up her child to the other woman to save his life. I know it's prob. in the Old Testament, not a big bible reader so not sure where......