How to know if you should really have closure or not

[XNemesisX]

I started thinking about this on another thread and decided it would be a good topic to being a new thread on.

 

My recently made ex just broke up with me AGAIN. This is not the first time I've had to go through this pain and suffering. For the past 2 years, the relationship has been a breakup/make up roller coaster from hell.

 

However, there have only been 2 extremely serious breakups (where I thought yeah he means it this time). The first one was back in May I believe. He told me he didn't love me anymore, would never love me again, etc etc. Then, due to my persistence and him having to see me more and more, he changed his mind. It seemed like right after this really bad breakup it was the best period we had ever had. We were extremely happy for the most part, and even talked about marriage. He told me he loved me so much and for some reason could not stay broken up with me for long (well, as long as he didn't have to see me he was okay, but seeing me just made all the old feelings of love come back for him).

 

NOW present time. Here I am again being broken up with. Just as last time, it was over his jealousy issues. Basically he breaks up with me consistently, whether it be as serious as the 2 times or not. When I go out wtih other people during these periods he ends up enraged over them when he comes crawling back to me. However, it is so unpredictable whether or not we get back together that I don't know if I should start dating again or not date for fear we will get back together and then this is something I will be tormented for. Did that make any sense?

 

He seemed pretty serious yesterday but like I said I have heard the lines from him before. "I don't love you anymore" "I will never love you again" etc etc.

 

Now I'm not so sure if I should have closure or NOT.

 

I guess I am getting pretty sick of him breaking up with me then coming back. Makes me not sure if I should date other people or not. Even this last breakup is over me going out with this other guy during a period when we were BROKE UP. He is breaking up with me NOW over THAT.

 

He says it makes him think differently of me. He also has a big imagination and thinks that I must have sex with all these people all the time. Very paranoid. Says he can't love me because of these images he has.

 

Okay so basically the question is this, how do you know if you should really have closure when you are coming from an on again off again relationship? I'm going through so much pain all over again. I really don't think I can take this happening again.

[Mr. Nobody]

This guy is obviously not worth you feeling like this, get rid of him. He's literally ruining your life, can't you see that? You're broken up and you are allowing him to still control your life. It's you're life ... don't let it be dictated by someone who is obviously toying with you. He comes back to you because he knows you'll be there, he knows that he has his hooks in you and you'll be trailing behind him like a little lost puppy. Do you really want to go through life like that? I thought I had one great love in my life, and I loved her for years .... but then I realized that she was using me. She knew I would always be there for her and she took advantage of that, and in the end I felt as though I had wasted YEARS of my life. Now that Im a little older (24) I like to think that it was a learning experience as opposed to wasted youth, but I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of all those years gone .... never to be regained. But, I would NEVER think of going back to her because I wanted to validate those years with her, that would be an ignorant thing to do.

 

I can only advise that you learn from my mistakes, and it looks like youre heading in that same direction . The pain is very real and tactile now, believe me Ive been there. But, trust me when I tell you gets better. For me the pain was there till I met a new friend, she opened my eyes about alot of things, gave me the confidence I needed to REALLY move on, and I continue to thank her to this day for that. Maybe you already have someone like that in your life, maybe like me youll meet them in the future, but all it takes is someone you care about (mind you, it doesnt have to be "love") to make you see the light. I usually tell my friends that that person is easily defined. When your life sucks to the point it is almost too much to bear, who do you call first? Who is it that comforts you, that pulls you from the pit everytime you really need them. Who sacrifices the time when YOU need them? Who will go out of their way to make sure that YOU are okay. If you were to die today who, besides family, would grieve the most for you? Those are traits of a best friend, and in my opinion that is the perfect relationship material, but thats just my opinion. Lots of people won't date friends in fear of losing what they already have, but thats a chance you have to take sometimes. I know I did, and it has made all the difference.

I hope this has made you feel a little better, maybe given you some insight. Either way I hope things get better for you. Cheers.

[XNemesisX]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes I do feel like I have lost years of my life. It was all a waste really. I don't understand how someone can want to be with you one minute, hate you the next. It sucks.

 

I do have a few really great friends who are always there for me. However, I don't feel like I can date again. For some reason I have had this spell casted on me to where the only person I can even imagine dating is the A**. I hope this feeling goes away. How long did it take you before you were able to see a different person in that light? I'm worried it might be a while for me to be able to really date someone again...I'm kind of scarred I guess you could say.

 

I do know this though, if he were to end up coming back to me again I would say no, that is what I should say. I can't go through this turmoil again. Its a neverending cycle and I am so sick of it.

[Mr. Nobody]

It took me about 8 months before I really noticed a change. It wasn't an obvious breaking point between "heartbreak" and "ok-ness." As for me and my current g/f (the friend I told you about) we have been together for almost a year. I suppose it was roughly 9-10 months before we got together.

 

Strangly she was the total opposite of the normal girl I would look for. Shes a tall brunette, and my previous girl, as well as the girls I was normally attracted to were short with black hair. Even the personalities were different. Sara (the current g/f) is very reserved, and mature. But before I liked my women as wild as I could get them. You know, drugs, sex and rocl 'n roll and all that jazz. This relates back to you talking about not being able to date someone who isnt an A** ... well Ill ask you this, when was the last time you tried? Like I said, Sara was my best friend in the world, she was always there for me. When my father passed away my g/f was in NYC with her mom and she called ONCE. Whereas Sara made the 30 min. drive to my house and stayed with me through the entire weeklong ordeal of his wake and burial. But even then I only veiwed her as a friend, although maybe more than a "friend" more like an intimate friend (no I dont mean sexual), cause you cant go through such a traumatic experience with someone and not get closer to them. It was one night when we were just sitting there and she just says out of the blue, "I think I might love you, I know Im attracted to you, but I think there could be more if you'd only give me a chance," and then she fell quiet and only looked at me. I could see her truthfulness in her eyes, and I just felt compelled to kiss her. If anything, I did it because she deserved it, she sacrificed time and energy on me and I felt like I had never given her the chance. Maybe even hurt her with all the "Rebecca" (former lying using g/f) talk over the years, I can only imagine how that must have felt, how much heartache I caused her. So I kissed her, she wasnt expecting it and actually laughed when it happened .... I wasnt smitten on the spot mind you, but I felt she earned a chance with me. So I risked the friendship, and knew if the friendship was as strong as I thought it was this wasnt going to hurt it if it didnt work out. Needless to say it worked out, it feels so wonderful knowing that she is there for me like she was as a friend, only now the connection is 10x as strong. As for the "wasted time," do you feel that time elapsed before a wonderful thing is truly wasted? If you were going to recieve a million dollars this tiem next year, would you feel like the year was wasted? No, and believe me someone to TRULY love you is far better than a million dollars. Those two years were only waiting time, growing up time, time to prepare you for the love of your life. Who knows he might be right under the nose and you cant even see him because of the pain you are in right now.

 

My advice .... find that guy who deserves a chance with you, who has been there for you more than your ex. Everyone has one, everyone has a person in their lives that deserves more from them. What makes us better people is giving those people in our lives the chance to make US happy by allowing them to truly show their emotions for us. He might not fit your "bill," like Sara didnt fit my own, but you can only take chances in this life, there are no sure things, and sometimes they work out wonderfully(especially when you finally dont date A**es). I know you are scared, anyone would be. But, when youre ready just go to that person, take their hand and say whatever is in your heart .... or just go up and kiss them. Cause you know, as well as I do, that people aren't as caring as Sara was without having some sort of affection for you. I have a saying that applies here, "The selfless make the best lovers. Because they give everything they have, means theyre the only ones who can truly appreciate what you give them." And if they give that much of themselves as friends who love you from afar, imagine what they can accomplish when you allow them to love you face to face. Just a thought. Heres to finding your happiness, and to the finding of happiness for all the broken hearted. Cheers.

[Abraxsis]

DONT CALL HIM!!!!

 

 

But you already knew I was going to say that

[XNemesisX]

Mr. Nobody,

 

I am going to have to disagree with you on a few things. I appreciate your post, but I'm not so sure about some of the things you have said.

 

I could see her truthfulness in her eyes, and I just felt compelled to kiss her. If anything, I did it because she deserved it, she sacrificed time and energy on me and I felt like I had never given her the chance.

 

Do you see what is wrong with this? You shouldn't feel you have to kiss anybody, just because they "sacrificed time and energy" for you. That is what being a true friend is about. That is like saying you did it because you felt you HAD to. I guess that some people believe that doing nice things for someone and being there for someone means that they have to get something back in return. I just don't agree with that. (maybe the saying "payback is a b*tch holds some truth).

 

Personally, I would not want someone to kiss me or give me a romantic chance because they felt they HAD to because I went out of my way for them. That would be a cheap shot. If someone is going to kiss me or want to date me I want it to be because they sincerely WANT to not because I have been a good friend to them, therefore I must get something like that in return

 

find that guy who deserves a chance with you, who has been there for you more than your ex. Everyone has one, everyone has a person in their lives that deserves more from them. What makes us better people is giving those people in our lives the chance to make US happy by allowing them to truly show their emotions for us.

 

You can't force feelings, and it doesn't make anyone a better person to give someone a romantic chance out of guilt. I don't think a real friend should expect anything in return. I have went out of my way for lots of friends, because that is what friends do. I do not expect them to make out with me in return. That is almost like prostitution. I'm happy it worked out for you, but I don't date people out of pity. I wouldn't want anyone to date ME out of pity either.

 

I am not ready to jump in a new relationship anyway, or to even try one so I'm not quite sure why you are encouraging me so much to go kiss a friend that has been nice to me. I am not really understanding that. When I'm ready I will know, and if romantic feelings are there - I will know. And it usually doesn't take me very long to figure that out.

 

I think that real frienships are hard to find and rare and to be cherished, but you are confirming my belief that some men just can't be friends with women, there is always some hidden motive for being nice. I think that sucks, and honestly that makes me even more depressed. Like the only way you are worthwhile to be around is if the person wants to make out with you and have a relationship with you as more than friends. Hidden motives. How cheap!

Again, please don't take offense to anything I am saying. I appreciate your input. I am not ready to move on and even if I was I would not want to try and force something that is not there. Sometimes friendships can be like family, love that is unselfish and unconditional and not based on expectations for something more. If you had a friend your own sex, would you think he deserved a kiss? Of course not. I don't see why male/female friendships have to be any different.

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

Mr. Nobody,

 

Do you see what is wrong with this? You shouldn't feel you have to kiss anybody, just because they "sacrificed time and energy" for you. That is what being a true friend is about. That is like saying you did it because you felt you HAD to. Personally, I would not want someone to kiss me or give me a romantic chance because they felt they HAD to because I went out of my way for them. That would be a cheap shot. If someone is going to kiss me or want to date me I want it to be because they sincerely WANT to not because I have been a good friend to them, therefore I must get something like that in return.

 

I completely agree, but I wrote I felt "compelled" to kiss her because of what she had done. I guess I really felt the way I did because of what she SAID. Someone telling you that they think they might love you can really do a number on you, unless youre a heartless beast which from your posts you obviously are not. What Im saying is I gave a deserving soul a chance with my emotions and it worked out. Im not trying to get you to do anything, I am only doing what any other well meaning person on this forum is doing and that is trying to help.

 

 

I'm happy it worked out for you, but I don't date people out of pity. I wouldn't want anyone to date ME out of pity either.

 

I hardly decided to give Sara the chance I did because I pitied her. In the moment I was attracted to her honesty. I never believed she had only been my friend in an effort to get me to date her. She was a selfless person, and had I said that I didn't feel that way she wouldn't have felt hurt and I honestly believe she would have continued to be my friend even if it did hurt her. The point of me telling you my story was this, it paralleled my own life and everything worked out for me. One can only give honest advice to situations when they have been in them, in my humble opinion.

 

I am not ready to jump in a new relationship anyway, or to even try one so I'm not quite sure why you are encouraging me so much to go kiss a friend that has been nice to me. I am not really understanding that. When I'm ready I will know, and if romantic feelings are there - I will know. And it usually doesn't take me very long to figure that out.

 

Again, I wrote "when youre ready." Again, Im just saying this is worked out for me. It's not going to work for everyone, I understand that.

 

you are confirming my belief that some men just can't be friends with women, there is always some hidden motive for being nice. I think that sucks, and honestly that makes me even more depressed. Like the only way you are worthwhile to be around is if the person wants to make out with you and have a relationship with you as more than friends. Hidden motives. How cheap!

 

Not to be offensive here ... but DUH!! But there is a difference here that I want to make known. Men CAN be friends with women, but think about your friends. Friends are usually complimentary to your own personality, and while opposites may attract most people know youre better off with someone like yourself. I think most people are looking for people like themselves to date. And because of this I think it is very easy for friends to fall for friends, have you not ever fallen (i dont mean dated either) for someone who was just a friend. or maybe had a little crush on them? Plus, there is an idea of proximity. When you look at, or talk to, someone day in and day out you get closer and some guys (and girls too) just get too emotionally close. Now of course this all becomes moot if the person is overly obvious in their affections for you, but like I said selfless people are content to love from afar and I believe selfless people make the best relationship material. Basicially, if the person is ONLY friends with you in an effort to have a relationship with you then yeah it it totally wrong, and as you said cheap. But there is a difference between that, and someone who is your TRULY your friend and places that fact before their emotions about you. Those people are noble and selfless ... and sadly I am not one of those people.

 

Again, please don't take offense to anything I am saying. I appreciate your input. I am not ready to move on and even if I was I would not want to try and force something that is not there. Sometimes friendships can be like family, love that is unselfish and unconditional and not based on expectations for something more. If you had a friend your own sex, would you think he deserved a kiss? Of course not. I don't see why male/female friendships have to be any different.

 

No offense taken at all, and I too apologize if some of my posts seemed like I was pushing you into something, or "swaying" you to my mode of thinking. You make a good point about the love found in a true friendship, with it being unconditional, unselfish, and not based on expections ... but isn't that what all of us want in a relationship? Hell, isn't that what anyone wants in ANY relationship they are in whether it be with family, lovers, or friends? But your right about not forcing something thats not there, all that does is serve to hurt someone later on. Maybe in all truthfulness I always loved Sara and just didn't really realize it until she made her affections known to me, maybe I kept her as a friend for that reason and didn't know it. Maybe I'm not any better than those other guys, but who knows.

 

Well I finished my only two finals this morning, gotta love Advanced Anatomy and Neurophysiology, so Ill be heading home for the break tomorrow. Seeing I can't bring my computer on the plane I won't be on regularly for a few weeks. So I hope your situation works out for you, your obviously a caring person and deserve a good life, just don't let this undeserving man sabotage it for you. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and Ill talk to you in a few weeks.

[XNemesisX]

 

I was just wondering what your replies had to do with my original question, which was if I should have closure or not. I guess I just found it quite odd that you were pushing the friend thing so much, when it had nothing to do with what I was originally posting about. Maybe I don't even have any friends? lol.

 

Basically, if you are attracted to someone you KNOW. You don't have to kiss and then "see" if you might. That is absurd. I know if I am attracted to someone, and most girls know right away if they could be more than friends with someone. It could just be that there is no attraction there. It sucks, but it happens to all of us. Sometimes it just isn't there.

 

I personally do not feel that way about anyone that I am friends with. If I did, I would be dating them by now. Its just something you do or you don't. You either could see them in that way or you couldn't. Its life, not everyone is going to like you in that way, and vice versa. You seem to be assuming that I have a friend that I could date, I don't. So what you were saying wasn't really applicable to me. Do you have any different advice?