He doesn't seem smart enough to think of consequences. should I stay?

[JoJo_idontknow]

Long story short:

Let's call:

My boyfriend 'Guy'

My ex 'Tim'

My boyfriend's ex 'Em' (went out with her for a year)

Friend 1 'Bella'

Friend 2 'Sally'

Trustworthy friend 'Dom'

New girl 'Phee'

Me and my boyfriend are both 16 years old.

2010 - Met guy in school

 

June 2012 - texted a lot, almost everyday.

 

August- me and Guy were supposed to go out on a date, he stood me up. I was crushed. I couldnt sleep, eat, talk a lot. Basically lost a lot of weight and made myself ill, cause I fell hard for him. The next day he texted me and told me he couldnt go out with me cause he still had feelings for Em and thought going out with me would be unfair.

 

September- Went out with Tim. Soon Guy apparently got over Em and made up his mind that he wanted to go out with me and tried to flirt and ask me out even though I was with Tim. I found it hard to ignore him cause I still was head over heels for him. I didnt cheat on Tim, cheating is disgusting in my opinion and something I'd never do.

 

December- I decided that me still having feelings for Guy was unfair to Tim so I broke up with him. 11th December me and Guy started going out.

 

February 2013 - Guy asked me to marry him, I was totally in the moment so I said yes. It's unofficial since he hasnt given me a ring. Yes I know I'm stupid for saying yes but what's done is done.

 

March/April - (btw this continued for 2 weeks) After hearing Em has been having problems, they started talking again and he told me he wanted to be friends with her. I told him I dont want him to cause she'd mess with our relationship, but I ended up breaking and letting him try it. I was crushed, and he knew I was but he continued talking to her. I almost fail my London college entry exam because of being so upset. I made myself ill again but passed the exam. He found out that Em didnt just want to be friends with him, but was actually trying to mess things up between me and him, they ended up arguing and they stopped talking. He apologized to me and I forgave him.

 

4th September - I moved to London to start college.

 

20th September- Bella told me that guy told her not to tell me in case it upset me, but while our regular group of friends were hanging out in town, Guy shouted 'Somebody kiss me I'm bored, and the girl that he only met that day (she only just joined the group) kissed him. Sally confirmed it. Dom said he didnt. I freaked out and asked him about it. He said that he didnt kiss her, but that she only bit his hoodie. He got angry at me for doubting him and I told him how so sorry I was. When he calmed down he told me that he did kiss her, but only in a game of spin the bottle they played that day. I believe that doing that when Im not there is cheating, and I told him that. He said sorry. I cant stop thinking about it. He admitted to saying 'somebody kiss me i'm bored' but apparently he only meant it to his guy friends...

 

The past couple weeks- He gave me his Facebook password, but deleted his convo with Phee. She invited him and Dom over to her house, but I told him that it's really inappriopriate with everything that's gone on and that I wasnt ok with it. He didnt go. He said he wants to talk to her, but I told him only on facebook. He told me he cant because her problems are private. I said fine, then Guy can only talk to her while in our group of friends. He said ok. I also told him that he cant hug her or hang out alone with her. He agreed. I havent been home for 3 weeks ( I live in London and he lives 4 hours away) so I dont know how it's been going.

 

Yesterday- I checked Guy's facebook and he talked to a girl that I wouldnt consider a friend really. I've never really talked to her much. Anyway she asked him if he ever wanted to hang out. Why on earth would she think it's ok to hang out alone with a guy that's in a relationship??? But he agreed to it! I told him I wasnt ok with it, and after an argument he agreed not to meet her alone, but that he'd try and get Dom to come with them.

 

I still love Guy, but he's put me through so much. He does things before thinking if I'll be ok with them. Maybe he's not mature enough... I'm going to see him on the 26th. I've been pretending that I'm happy, when I've been crying myself to sleep cause I'm so drained out emotionally by him. He seems ok with all of it now, like it wasnt that big a deal... What should I do?

[Toddbt12y1]

Way too much drama. Childish drama at that! Seriously, spin the bottle? Rather childish, and certainly a lie. I am sure your friend told you what was up. Friends can be good indicators.

 

Him doing things to upset you, is not kool. No one should not be in a relationship, only to be so upset. Especially, when said relationship affects your college studies. If you don't like something, and he does it without care: Why be with him?

 

Heck...Why marry him? That's an extremely big step. One that requires maturity. ..or it will fail. Communication or it fails. He has a lack of communication. Even still, a relationship is based on much more than even just communication. He is failing.

 

Make the right call for yourself. You know the game by now, right? He isn't mature.

[JoJo_idontknow]

But the thing is I just keep hoping he'll grow up a bit... maybe he will...

[Criticality]

When a guys plays spin the bottle at 18, that means he's not mature enough for a Long Distance Relationships, let alone a marriage.

 

When a girl starts freaking out at the mere thought of an inappropriate kiss in a social setting, and starts calling multiple people to interrogate them about it, that means the she isn't mature enough for a LDR, let alone marriage.

 

Bottom line? You are both too immature to make this work. You need to have fun and be 18 in London, not worry about who's playing spin the bottle 4 hours away.

 

And Guy needs to have some fun and be 18 where he is, without worrying whether he at any given time is breaking one of his controlling girlfriends arbitrary rules or not.

 

Yes, he'll grow up eventually. If you also grow up a little, maybe then will you two be ready to marry somebody some day.

[JoJo_idontknow]

Ok well what about the hanging out alone with a girl? Should I be ok with that? And I should mention that before me and Guy went out he and this girl wanted to go out

[Criticality]

Yes. Yes you should be OK with that. You know why?

 

Peace of mind.

 

No matter how much you control him or check up on him, you can't prevent him from hanging out with another girl. Or be unfaithful to you, whatever the definition of that is to you.

(Obviously aside from spending every waking hour with him. Or keeping him locked up).

 

You can't control anyone or force anyone into being with you, or being only with you.

 

So you might as well let go, and not worry about that.

 

And aside from that, it also usually comes across as insecurity. And that's never attractive.

 

Will he mess up, and will hanging out lead to something else? Yeah it could. It's a definite possibility.

 

But chances are it would happen regardless.

[JoJo_idontknow]

Whoa hold on, I dont force him to do anything, I dont say ''You cant hang out with her!''. I say ''I dunno you can do what you want but I dont know if I'm ok with it''. He knows he always has a choice to do what he wants, I just give him my opinion on it.

[Criticality]

And suppose he told you tomorrow to start skipping one of your classes (because there is a cute guy in for example.) and you said "you want me to try get assigned to a different class?" And he said:

 

"Well Jojo, you can do what you want, but I don't know if I'm OK with you going to that class"

 

Would that be a choice?

 

Nope, because even though you don't tell him what to do, the threat is implied.

 

You're basically saying "do this or else. I'm not telling you what to do, but if you love me, you'll know what to do. And you won't like the consequences if you choose otherwise."

[JoJo_idontknow]

You're comparing a relationship to education. I have no choice whether to go to my classes or not, it's compulsory. Now if you had compared me to me hanging out with another boy, then you'd be making a better argument, and my answer would be I wouldn't hang out with him. Education is compulsory, hanging out with people isn't.

[Criticality]

Nice dodge there, but the issue isn't which analogy applies the best.

 

You're telling him what to do, in an indirect way.

 

Its sounds a lot nicer than outright telling him what to do, but when a choice is accompanied with implied threats or implied rewards, that's still not a free choice.

 

If you'd didn't try to pressure him indirectly, why don't you say "If you want to go hangout with her, that's fine with me."?

[Criticality]

And yes, "I don't know what to think about that" is an implied threat.

 

The threat being that you'll be pissed.

 

Surely your boyfriend is smart enough to realize that this is what you're trying to convey, rather than some genuine intellectual puzzle about your emotions that you're sharing with him.

[JoJo_idontknow]

But it's not fine with me. Why should I keep my mouth shut and say that it's not bothering me? He told me he wants me to be honest with him, so that is what I'm doing. But you're saying that I should be a good girlfriend and let him go with her. That would make me unhappy, because I dont understand why he would feel the need to hang out with another girl alone... It's not cheating I'm worried about, it's him spending time with someone who may have no respect for our relationship and may want to attempt to mess it up. And that's happened before already.

[TMichaels]

You're comparing a relationship to education. I have no choice whether to go to my classes or not, it's compulsory... Education is compulsory, hanging out with people isn't.

 

You're not even old enough to be able to make your own decision about your education but you've told some guy you'd marry him and now the two of you are treating each other like a possession.

 

You're too young to be in this kind of relationship. Neither one of you have the emotional intelligence to handle it at this stage of your life as evidenced by the drama you're putting each other through for no good reason.

 

Continue to be friends with this guy if you want, but don't throw away the next couple of years of your life at college which you'll never get back. You ought to be exploring and enjoying all your college experience has to offer not being in a constant state of angst about who's doing what to whom.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[JoJo_idontknow]

TMichaels - ''You're too young to be in this kind of relationship. Continue to be friends with this guy if you want, but don't throw away the next couple of years of your life at college which you'll never get back. You ought to be exploring and enjoying all your college experience has to offer not being in a constant state of angst about who's doing what to whom.''

 

 

But we don't want to break up. You cant say that all relationships at this age dont work out. And I've told him before that he should be out living his life as a teen, going to parties, making mistakes and learning off them and getting a tonne of girls. I told him we might not be ready for all this and it could be too fast, but he refuses to end it. And I dont want to end it either, I just keep thinking it might be the only way for both of us to be completely happy. But then again I dont think there is any relationship without some imperfections...

 

I dont fancy being a teen anymore. I'm gonna be working in 2 years time, and I dont want to party or go out with a tonne of guys that will most likely break my heart.

[FitChick]

I stopped reading after the long cast of characters. I couldn't keep them all straight. Edit this story and get to the bottom line, please.

[Criticality]

But it's not fine with me. Why should I keep my mouth shut and say that it's not bothering me? .

 

Which brings out right back to my original point: You're both too immature for this relationship. Especially when it's long distance.

 

He's too immature because he calls you and asks for permission to spend time with another girl. (Obviously besides the fact that he still plays spins the bottle!)

 

And you're too immature because you feel the need to control who he sees and who he talks to.

 

Let me put it this way: Do you know of any adult couple that does anything like what you describe below? Your parents or friends parents? Cause I sure don't!

 

"and that I wasnt ok with it. He didnt go. He said he wants to talk to her, but I told him only on facebook. He told me he cant because her problems are private. I said fine, then Guy can only talk to her while in our group of friends. He said ok."

 

But we don't want to break up. You cant say that all relationships at this age dont work out.

 

Of course some of them work out. Some of them even last for a decade of marriage. A very few a whole lifetime.

 

But that's not the case in your situation, because neither of you sound mature enough for it.

 

Just the fact how you and him communicates speak volumes. Somebody who is ready and mature enough for a long distance relationship tells the other person how they feel, instead of giving soft ultimatums laced with threats or rewards: "I dont know. You can do what you want to, but I don't know how I feel about that".

 

That's how people sometimes talk with their kids when they want the kid to do a certain thing, but don't want to look unreasonable: "You don't have to come out for a walk with me. I'm not going got make you... But you want to get an ice cream tonight, right?"

[Carenth]

You should both break up. Seriously you are too young and inexperienced at relationships to be talking about marriage and trying to conduct a long distance relationship. Yes some teen relationships work out, yours however is not one of those. You talk of marriage and this is how you treat each other?

 

Treating your partner as a possession is a great way to push someone away. You are both children still, go enjoy your teenage years without the silly teenage drama. You will be amazed looking back at your decisions in the next several years. You won't even recognize who you were, you will change a lot.

 

Thinking back on the type of person I was when I was 16 today, well I was very naive compared to what I am now.

 

Basically a LDR requires trust a lot of it. Which clearly you two do not have for each other. Trying to monitor everything your partner does will drive you insane and cause your partner to resent you.

 

My girlfriend sometimes goes out with guy friends and I go out with female friends neither of us gives a **** because we trust each other and are very honest with our feelings and are not insecure. None of this veiled threat stuff.

[JoJo_idontknow]

So all of you are saying we can't make this work? That there's no chance that if we try hard enough we will make it through this?

[Criticality]

Maybe. There are no guarantees either way. But it doesn't look good.

 

If you could be more confident and stop controlling him, that would probably help. And if your boyfriend could start acting like a grown up and stop asking you for permission to do things, would also go a long way.

 

And you need to get better at communicating.

[JoJo_idontknow]

I used to be ok with him doing what he wanted to, but then the whole thing with his ex trying to sabotage our relationship happened and ever since it hasn't been the same for me. I want to trust him like I used to. So please, how can we improve our communication? And how can I get the confidence back so that he can hang out with who he wants to, without me pulling my hair out and losing sleep over it?

[Carenth]

I would say this is not a healthy relationship at all. So no, to be talking of marriage is honestly laughable. I'm not trying to be mean but both of you seem unhappy and both require more time to grow as people.

 

So no I don't think this can work out, I think you would be both happier going your separate ways. It will be painful at first for sure but it will get better and easier as time goes on. You will find someone else who you won't have to worry about doing immature crap like spin the bottle.

 

Just know if you can't trust the person you are with then there is no point, relationships are built on trust. You don't trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend has to get everything oked with you because he is being an idiot. That is no way to have a relationship.

[JoJo_idontknow]

You don't trust your boyfriend .

 

But I want to trust him, just tell me of a way to do it? I'll do anything

[Criticality]

So he talked with his ex, you let him, she tried to sabotage your relationship, but it didn't work, and your BF broke contact with her and told you what had happened?

 

Eh, maybe I'm missing something, but how does that make you not trust him?

 

If you can't trust anyone, you're not ready for a relationship. With anyone. And you should break up.

 

And as for how to trust? You just do. Don't speak up, even when your insecurities are shouting for you to do something.

[Carenth]

Once trust is broken it is very hard to regain. I speak from experience, it is not something you can just "fix". Basically you have put yourself in a position of vulnerability and the other person has done something to abuse that.

 

It's very hard to get back to that again especially when you have a boyfriend who acts like a child (because he is one). That is why I think it's best to move on. He has broken your trust a few times, obviously he does not value it very much. You deserve better than that. Although I'm not exactly sure what exactly he did to break your trust other than talking to his ex and being a moron playing spin the bottle. Think about it, why does someone who abuses your trust deserve you? For me the answer is they don't.

 

Being controlling isn't going to stop him behaving this way, in fact it may encourage it because these other people aren't trying to tell him what he can and can't do. I don't think he will stop regardless, he is a immature teenage boy.

 

I think the question you should be asking yourself is. Are you happy in this relationship? It seems you are not.

 

Edit: Also I agree with Criticality I'm not really sure what he did to break your trust with the ex thing. But you don't trust him regardless.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Carenth

[JoJo_idontknow]

He went out somewhere with her alone, plus me and everyone were saying that the whole thing didnt sound like a good idea. He refused to listen until I dont really know what happened, he wasnt really specific about it except him saying ''someone said she was trying to mess things up between us, I wont tolerate that''. It was obvious from the beginning. It's just the fact that it was his ex, the same one he ditched me for in the beginning.

 

And I guess I'm not entirely happy, but Criticality says to keep my thoughts to myself even if I wasnt entirely happy with something. So that would make me even less happy. So I guess I should tell him we should break up unless we were both willing to change a bit?