After 18 years together he left.Trying to get on with my life.

[Rosehip]

Me(52) & hubby(48) together for 18 years. I have 2 children (D30 & S28) with former realationship he has 1(S22) Plus my D has 3 children,my grandchildren.

 

When we met he was in a really bad place. He had split from his wife in April,we met in July.Theirs was a bad relationship,she drank & cheated. Also he had a very troubled upbringing. He is very much a loner,has no real friends apart from the friends he has met through me.

 

I was 8 years out of my marriage & had had a couple of relationships, 8 months & 1 1/2 years but lived on my own throughout this. Was very independent & made sure my kids were as happy as possible,I had a troubled upbringing too.

 

When we met I fell for him fairly fast & knew he was special, the trouble was he was very very jealous,had a split personality great guy one minute Mr nasty the next.I worked in a pub & was friendly & sometimes flirty,even with the old guys ,was part of my personality. He became very nasty to me at times,verbal & fights,he threw thing I threw things. This went on throughout our first 4 to 6 years together,with amazing happy times between.

One night he was very jealous again & actutally attacked me physically at home & I called the police on him as I had had enough. They came but nothing was done as we had both calmed down by then.

 

He kept pushing me away but I went after him to prove my love. He did some awful things to me but I still stayed with him & eventually he became the man I knew was in there.

 

We moved in together,once I was financially able to get a mortgage on my own,he owned his own house which he sold after we lived together for about a year & we then bought another house to do up about 6 years later.

 

 

From then on things changed,I would not put up with his jealousy & he stopped more or less with the occasional lapse,this was after about 6 years together. We became very happy with each other,he changed his job from working nights to days & he was much better for that.

 

Our sex life was not the best. Because of the abuse from him,things like I cant stand the thought of someone else touching you,to calling me a slag & whore & once he flushed my head down the toilet, that I would sleep with anyone sometimes things triggered me by just the way he looked at me. When we went out sometimes that if we made love when we got home he would say it was because I'd had a drink & anyone would do.

So over the years our sex life was sometimes great but there were times when I withdrew from him & especially over the last 2 years things went downhill.

Also because he cannot talk about problems I did not know how bad he was feeling until he left.

 

We had about 14 years of mainly happy times. We got married 8 years ago & had fantastic holidays, weekends away nights out. We had our problems like any couple but we loved each other very much. He would not talk to me about anything that bothered him but I would spend a lot of time with him trying to resolve any problems which occurred,& I felt that things had improved. He taught me to take time out & not react to things that did not matter. He was very supportive with all my family & they all loved him.

 

We did not talk about our sex life,even though i tried & it became the elephant in the room. We would be fine for a while then he would say something that made me feel bad about myself & I would withdraw from him. I see now I was using the denying of sex as a punishment for the earlier abuse from him. I pushed him away. We were always tactile in other ways,holding hands always cuddling I just froze sometimes when I knew he wanted sex.I know I hurt him alot over the years but as he wouldnt talk to me about it it became easier to just ignore it.

 

Over the last 1 1/2 years things have really gone downhill as I have had chronic back pain for 8 years on & off & in this time it has got me really depressed because being in pain all the time was so hard. I have had treatment for it & have got on top of it at times but this year let it get to me as I felt there was nothing more I could do.

 

I gave up became addicted to painkillers & was like a zombie. not caring about us & not wanting to do anything with my grandchildren. He knew what I was doing & ignored it & became very depressed himself & finally in August left me. We had been on holiday in June & he said he felt like there was nothing between us anymore but I just ignored it although I knew things were not right. I was still taking the painkillers,co codamol, & having a drink every night on holiday so felt out of it. I stopped fixing us.

 

He has always been a bad communicator & if we fell out he would give me the silent treatment whereas I would try & talk to him to resolve our issues. But in the end I stopped trying & would do the silent treatment myself. It took about 2 years,& me having treatment for my back & it not working & ending up on the painkillers to get to a point of him sleeping on the sofa & us not talking. He would look after me by letting me go to bed & bringing me cups of tea & hot water bottles but know I see that we became distant from one another,he spent his time downstairs me upstairs. I didnt want to go out & he made no effort to talk to me about how all of this was making him feel. He said we had grown apart & there was nothing between us anymore.

 

His family hardly ever see each other,they are all a bit odd,one brother cheats on his wife the other brother works,has no relationship & then goes to Thailand for 4 weeks a year to sleep with the girls there. they are both in their 40ties

I am close to my family even though it can be stressfull,as my daughter has 3 small boys & has split from the father of her 3rd child.She split from the father of her 6 year old twins 5 years ago & lived with us for a time.Although I love my daughter very much we sometimes clash. this caused problems for hubby as he would moan about her to me but had a great relationship with her. He has been fantastic with her,he has been in her life since she was 12 & she sees him as a father figure as she doesn't really see her real dad anymore,just an occasional phone call.

He is not as close to my son but had a great relationship with him.He lives in Ireland now so I dont see him as much.

His son lives locally,when he split from his 1st wife his son was 3 & he did not see him for a year because it upset him,we eventually worked on this & he came to stay with us every other weekend, & every Christmas as his ex preferred to spend it in the pub.

So now he is doing the same with my daughter,avoiding seeing her.

 

This last year our relationship went down the pan. I would come home from work take the tablets & go to bed,he has always been very good around the house,he has a bit of OCD,so it worked really well between us as I sorted all the bills,did the shopping & cooking & he would tidy the house & do the washing etc.

 

I stopped cooking & sometimes did not shower for a couple of days,we stopped going out & the one time we did go out & I had 2 drinks we had sex when we got home & he said he hated it because Id had a drink so I just rejected him after that if he ever tried.On holiday in June we had sex once & the rest of the time,even though we were ok in the day every night he started bickering with me so we would go to sleep on a row. He would say sorry in the morning but it would all start over again. I really felt like i couldnt be bothered,acted like I did not care, pushed him away & knew there was a massive problem but couldnt be bothered to even try & sort it out.I think it was a case of the tablets making me numb & all the work I had put into our relationship I felt it was his turn,tell me what was wrong come to me & try & sort it out,talk to me. But of course he didnt.He had started to fall out of love with me as I had become someone else. I was horrible,tired all the time grumpy etc.

 

We had a family weekend in London & fell out over something & when we got back we were hardly speaking & it was our 8th wedding anniversary & I forget,whereas before i have always made sure we did something special around that time. He tried to give me a card but I refused it & said whats the point. That weekend he disappeared all day Saturday & when he come back I said what is it you want to leave & you dont love me anymore & he said yes thats what I want.

 

I immediately walked away from him & went to bed. The next day I asked him if he meant what he said & he said yes. That was about the last thing he said to me. He spent the week on the sofa,told me he was going to live in a caravan at his brothers house. I went away for the weekend when he moved out but he was still here when I came back on the Monday,he hadnt sorted things out & had left it to the last minute. Thats what he has always done.

 

He came into my room Tuesday morning & said bye & if you need anything I am always at the end of the phone. He was happy & buzzing.

He went to see my daughter & said he wanted to still see her & the boys & would stay in touch. Since then he has rang her once in 9 weeks & that was in the first week.

 

I was heartbroken but knew that something had to give. The first thing I did was reduce my tablets from 8 a day to 2 for a month then stopped taking them completely. I started back at the gym,which helps me with by back, & lost the weight I had put on this year from doing nothing. Then once my mind was clear I knew how much I loved him but had left it too late. He had gone & I blamed myself for 8 weeks.

 

I left him alone apart from one text about his car insurance which i sent on the 20th August.He did not reply until 28th,he needed to deal with it by the 29th August. He came to see me on the 28th to get his no claims bonus & I asked if there was any chance for us & he said no & this house means nothing to him & it was a relief to get away. I cried for the first time in front of him & tried to tell him about the tablets & how I felt but he was not interested,he was indifferent. He said goodbye & came & hugged me & we ended up kissing but I let go first, then he went.

 

Of course the first thing I assumed was he was with someone new but he isnt. He has problems forming relationships anyway but I have found out he is not going out & living in his caravan & working from a close family member.

 

So I decide to leave him to it & get myself well. I have lots of friends who have been a massive support & was going to work at first but couldn't handle it so took some time off. When he came to see me I told him to come & get all of his clothes as it was upsetting me to see them,he did not take much when he first went. He text me to ask if he could come on the Sunday whilst i was at work & hoped I was ok. I said Sunday was fine,but did not respond to him asking me if i was ok. I took his clothes out of the wardrobe & put them all on the bed in the spare room & put some of my clothes in their place.

 

When I got home he had left me a message on the answer phone saying how sorry he was & he would speak soon,he sounded upset. I deleted it. About a week later I got a text message saying hope you are ok & if you need anything to ring. I deleted it.

 

I was off work by now & decided to go on holiday with a friend & her sister at the last minute so we went away for a week & although it was hard I had a good time. I still cried every day,sometimes for hours at a time & have been to docs & am a low dose of anti-depressants to help me cope with my anxiety. The house will have to be sold & I dont know how I am going to manage as I work at a very low paid job,he doesnt earn lots of money but we always managed. I always sorted the money out as he was in debt with bad credit when we met. There should be enough for me to buy a small house outright,in an area i dont want to live, & him get a flat. He wouldn't be unfair about the money. I will have to find another job to suppliment my earnings but had got my head around it.

 

Then I find out from my neighbours he had been at the house twice whilst I was away & once he stayed,he still had a key as he did not leave it & I forgot about it. I was furious. We had some work starting on the outside of house this week so I just text him to ask if he had heard from builder,I did not say anything about him being here. He did not respond so then I got mad & let go of my self control that I had for the last 8 weeks & left a voicemail saying I knew he had been at the house & he was ignoring my text on purpose & I accepted it was over & give me my key back & leave me alone. He had also left a birthday present & card with love from Pospy for youngest grandchild at my house instead of taking it to my daughters.So I told him never to do that as he had no right to be their Popsy as he had chosen not to see them

 

I then 1 hour later sent an apology text saying I was just mad at him as I needed to know what was going on with the builder & I would ring the builder myself from now on I would deal with it.So I rang the builder on Monday & told him to contact me from now on.

 

Of course I got a phone call off hubby on the Monday.He wanted to come & see me,i told him no way & to leave me alone. He said he would ring later & I told him no way. I then spoke to a friend who talked me into to seeing him & because I still wanted to be with him I weakened & sent him a message to come around. He turned up & kept saying how great I looked & how awful he felt & how hard it must have been for me here at the house,he told me he had come around to see me about the building work & had fallen asleep & felt how empty the house was. I was all cool & told him what a great holiday. He came & sat next to me cuddling & holding my hand.He stayed for 2 hours & then went promising he would get in touch with daughter. Well I felt great at first but then realised this was nothing,just his guilt. He did not get in touch with daughter at all.

 

He text me on Friday to say he would be around on Monday to start clearing stuff from outside so builder could start work. I decide that i would go out as soon as he came. So was cool with him made him a drink asked him if he wanted anything to eat & then changed into my gym kit & said I was going & to put back door key through letter box when he went. He looked very upset & I looked great in my gym kit!!

 

He came back the next day,Tuesday, & was still looking upset. I was cool with him but we ended up holding hands somehow & we sat down & he asked if we could go for dinner that night & I said yes.We went for dinner,had a great time. We just talked normally & did touch on our relationship a little, but mainly just enjoyed being together. He told me he missed me & how awful he had been feeling. I stupidly said that I still loved him,he did not say anything to that so I did not say anything more. He was holding my hand & looking at me saying how great I looked,i told him about coming off the tablets & how much they had affected me & that he knew what I was doing but did nothing to stop me.Mistake I know but I felt like he was blaming me for it all going wrong.

 

We came back to house & had a kiss in the car. I asked him if he wanted to come in for a cup of tea & he did. We kissed some more & talked about going on a date to see how things went. I did at one point ask him to stay & he was going to but then we both decided it was not a good idea & he left. It was the right thing to do as sex was one of our problems so that would have been not good.

 

He came around the next day,Wednesday, still had work to do at house, all smiles & we talked again about a date & he said he would be in touch with daughter. He came 3 times that day when there was no need to.

I played it cool with him,he hugged me first,I did not offer any kisses. No talk of us from either of us & I was my happy self. I did not see him Thurs but text him to let him know that builder would defo be staring work on Saturday. He said great & could he come & see me on Friday afternoon. I replied that would be fine.

 

But by Friday I was really down. I was confused by his behaivour & he still had not contacted my daughter so decided to go out around the time i knew he would come. He hadn't put a specific time but I knew his shift & it would be 2pm when he would have to chance to call.

So I went out & came back at 2.30,he was just at the bottom of road, 30 seconds later he would not have seen me!!! So he came back to house.

 

I was not happy to see him,but tried to talk normally. He asked how grandchildren were & I snapped at him that he had no intention of seeing them & that he did not really know what he wanted,which he replied no, & I couldnt handle this.

We sat there in silence for a bit so I then just started talking about nothing in particular. He stayed for a while longer & when he left there was no hug or anything like there had been all week. I had let my guard down as after Tuesday night out I thought things were going well. I thought I had my feelings under control. But of course I realise I said too much to him that night,told him I missed him to & how I had wrote loads of text but had deleted them before I sent them,I know I know stupid!!

 

Of course now he seems to have wanted back in my life because I was getting on with it but now because he knows that I want him back & still love him he is backing off again.

 

Do you think there is a chance for us?

 

I am not going to contact him at all again & will just leave him to it. I was slowly dealing with it & after 2 months of not seeing him & now seeing him nearly every day & him sending me mixed messages I feel like I am back to the beginning & have been crying & upset all over again. I am capable of doing this & getting on with my life,but I cannot cope with him being hot & cold.What do I do again if he tries to see me.

 

I just want him to leave me alone unless he is commited to working at our relationship & I certainly do not want to see him until he has the guts to face my daughter as he has hurt her very much. He could see her & they boys without involving me.

 

I wish this week had not happened & that I had not seen him as it was too soon, he has not been in touch but I do not expect him to,as it was only yesterday,Friday, when he came & I was in a bad mood with him.

I am going out tonight with some friends & start back at work next week.

I know he is mixed up & doesn't know what he wants & I can wait until he decides but what do I do in the meantime? What if he comes around again.

 

How am I supposed to act around him when my heart is braking?

 

I know he likes the peaceful life he is leading at the moment with no stresses etc but am hoping that he will miss the life he had with me & my family who he has loved very much for a long time.

 

Sorry for the long post but it seems to help writing it all down.

[Yasuandio]

Girl, this is a really long post. I read it all, but, I am really confused. And I think you and him might be too.

 

My thought is this. Look for some patterns here, within this post. Boil it down to one page - without the day by day detail.

 

Like the basics: what the start was like. What "pattern" of problems emerged, the the boiling point (him leaving), and then, you wishes and regrets now.

 

I think all this information is above, but it is buried with too much detail - which may prevent some replies.

 

I think you should implement the 180's and NC. If he shows interes in children, I would recommend you encourage this, rather than berate him. Any positive behavior, I think you should welcome, and not punish. See link below for 180's and two versions of NC (TaraMaiden's second post, and CalGuy's, a little lower down 1st page).

 

Then copy this post, and edit it down to basics (one page) and start a new simpler thread and let this thread die. That's what I think. Yas

[Rosehip]

Thanks Yas. I see what you mean I was rambling on as my head is all over the place

[Yasuandio]

Just cut and paste - then narrow it down, to one page (with paragraphs) on a new thread, with one or two basic questions for people to focus on. Then LSer's will ask questions, and you can fill in the gaps. Use a different title, a little shorter. Then you'll get a lot more feedback, Hon. Try it. I know u will get a lot of help this way. This is a great site! Yas

Edited October 22, 2013 by Yasuandio