the confusion of the whirlwind

[awhirlwind]

Not sure where to start, apart from to say howdy people!

 

Married for 3 months, stormy relationship, recent early miscarriage (6 weeks), found husband searched on a dating website recently, and total confusion surrounding what to do.

 

Our R seems to be wrong. We have arguments. From my point of view, he's never seemed 'all in' to our R, and everything we have, I've built it. From his point of view, I don't listen to him and I start every argument.

 

Most recent example. About 2 weeks ago I miscarried. It has happened once before so I knew what was happening this time. I was dreading telling H as he disappeared last time it happened and then argued with me a lot over it. Last Thursday I told him, as we were due to go out on the Friday night and I had been feeling very emotional and tearful, as well as tired and not myself so was worried about going out and making the effort for a friend's birthday. When I got home on the Friday I explained I really didn't want to go. He was annoyed and said come on you might have a good time. I didn't want to spoil his fun so went, and chatted to people, pretended to have a giggle, and took a toilet break when I was feeling tearful. When we got home we got into bed and he snapped at me for not cuddling him. So I did and asked him what was wrong. He said everyone noticed I'd been quiet and was being cold to him, so I apologised if I had seemed that way but did get involved in the whole night. He then continued and started raising his voice, and used to this I then got out of bed to go next door as I could tell a rant was brewing. He continued shouting at me from the room next door saying he only wanted to speak to me. The next morning he shouted at me for going next door which turned into another arguemnt so I headed up to the spare room. He came up and yelled in my face leaning over me and I kept asking him to leave if he couldn't stop shouting. In the end I was crying and he said I was mentally weak, couldn't cope with children and would have post-natal depression and wouldn't be able to handle it. He also said he didn't believe I'd had a miscarriage and would have to go to a GP to prove it.

 

He came up and stuck his head in the door and apologised then left.

 

I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I spent the weekend with friends, coming back to sleep in the house saying I wanted some space.

 

A couple of days later he sent me an apology text at work, we talked in teh evening, and I said I'd had enough of him telling me he regrets this that and the other about our relationship and that I felt like a separation or counselling was our only option. He said f*** it I can't be bothered any more and that was it for a few days.

 

A couple more days and he came upstairs and told me he wanted to fight for the marriage and loved (then corrected himself to loves) me. I said great, counselling it is then.

 

Yesterday I came home from work early and saw on his computer that he'd been in to my emails. I looked at his history and found he'd looked at 5 profiles on an online dating site. I texted him at work and said a dating website - really?

 

Then the barrage of abuse started and he tried saying he thought he recognised one of the girls' in the picture so went on it to check. And then had a go at me for not believing him. In my finest hour I called him a dirty little cheater. To see those profiles he had to complete a search first.

 

He refused to admit it and apologise, blaming me for going mental and saying he couldn't possibly be with someone who called him names like that.

 

This morning, I called him after he'd left for work to try talk to him but he yelled and put the phone down.

 

I've just started my first period since the miscarriage and it's not good - and asked him if he'd be here to support me tonight. He's refused saying he's organised a night out with his friends.

 

My friends say I should have left him when he said those things to me and I should kick him out. He's saying I'm trying to manipulate him into staying in tonight and has thrown a full on screaming match at me for asking him to stay home.

 

Can anyone make some cold logical sense from this please if you've got this far??

[TrappedWanderer]

All I can offer is some commiserating

 

Married 2 months myself and husband went into rages out of nowhere (he never had before)....things kept escalating...tried marriage counselling, he wouldn't cooperate. Tried giving him time and space...talking...not talking. The berating and yelling only continued. I kept finding out about more lies. But then he'd apologize and we'd be good for a few days. And it would continue in that cycle. A week ago it came far too close to being physically violent and now I'm in the process of packing my things and leaving.

 

Every situation is different, but if you had just had a miscarriage (which I'm so sorry to hear about), it's only natural that you would be feeling down and not super excited...and of course you'd want your husbands support and caring.

 

All I can say is just be careful. Sounds like counselling is a good way to go-perhaps he's dealing with the miscarriage in a weird way himself (not that that excuses his behavior at all-it doesn't).

 

Watch our for yourself and just do what's best for you...something that been difficult to realize.

 

Good luck...you're not alone!

[awhirlwind]

Hey TrappedWanderer

 

Thank you for reading through that lil essay, and for the consideration you've given me. It's nice to have someone to commiserate with and know it's not just me who's finding things hard in these times of everyone else I know being settled down and popping out babies merrily left right and centre.

 

I'd also like to say you're amazing for finding the strength to pack up and leave, and I'm sure you will never look back if you pour all that energy into yourself again that you've been expending on trying to rescue your relationship.

 

Someone said to me once that you can't go wrong if you take the energy you're expending on something that isn't working and putting it back into yourself - it's a win-win situation. Plus the only way you can go is up.

 

Life is tough - but I guess that's what makes us who we are eh? Good luck to your moving x

[Yarrow]

He also said he didn't believe I'd had a miscarriage and would have to go to a GP to prove it.

 

He came up and stuck his head in the door and apologised then left.

 

...

I've just started my first period since the miscarriage and it's not good - and asked him if he'd be here to support me tonight. He's refused saying he's organised a night out with his friends.

....

Can anyone make some cold logical sense from this please if you've got this far??

 

Your friends are right. There is only one correct response when your wife suffers a miscarriage: You hold her and tell her you love her and do whatever you need to to make her understand that even though you, as a man, can never fully experience the pain that she is going through now, you wish you could take some of it on to yourself to lessen what she is feeling. You tell her you feel sad too, but together, you'll get through it. Then you urge her to see her GP, not to prove it, but to make sure she is ok.

 

This guy makes me sick. No one deserves what he's been doing to you.

[melissag]

What Yarrow said.

 

Still, I wouldn't just automatically assume he's a jerk and you should leave him. Maybe try some MC to get to the bottom of it, or to help understand each other.

 

Did you say whether he was like this before you got married?

 

Last but far from least, I am so very sorry for your miscarriages. I can't imagine how difficult that would be, let alone to be abandoned by the person who should be supporting you the most.

[K Os]

There is only one correct response when your wife suffers a miscarriage: You hold her and tell her you love her and do whatever you need to to make her understand that even though you, as a man, can never fully experience the pain that she is going through now, you wish you could take some of it on to yourself to lessen what she is feeling. You tell her you feel sad too, but together, you'll get through it.

 

That's right. Losing a child is just a little bit sad for a father, isn't it? No biggie.

 

As one who has experienced it twice, I have to say this is very wide of the mark. I am not going to flame this, but believe me I feel like it.

[K Os]

Sounds like counselling is a good way to go-perhaps he's dealing with the miscarriage in a weird way himself (not that that excuses his behavior at all-it doesn't).

 

 

... and to follow on from my previous comments - this is highly, highly likely. I agree it doesn't excuse his behaviour at all, but it may well go some way towards explaining it. OP, you say the relationship has been stormy from the outset - if he's been like this before the miscarriages then better look elsewhere for the reasons, but if it follows the miscarriages then look no further. Really. I never reacted like your husband but I did suffer a depression and there is very often nobody for men to talk to about this.

 

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I know what an awful thing this is. For you both.

 

I should go further - if there is any way to let him know that you understand that he is hurting too, then reach out to him and do that. He is probably completely unable to give you the support that you feel you need right now because he is in grief himself. His behaviour says that to me quite clearly. Counselling is probably a good idea if you can't reach him.

Edited October 21, 2013 by K Os

[awhirlwind]

Hi

 

Thanks for your responses. His response to the miscarriage was that he didn’t really want to beinvolved in it. He said I shouldn’t makeso much fuss about it until I’d gone to the GP to prove it. I explained that the GPs don’t do tests forearly miscarriages. That was hisinvolvement in the miscarriage.

 

We went to see a counsellor last night. She asked him how he felt about it and hestruggled to find an answer and then just said ‘kind of nothing, numb I suppose, just nothing’. Needless to saythat’s as far as she went.

 

She went on to ask how we connect and what we do together, andthankfully got out lots of things that have been bothering me for months/years –we never talk about emotional issues or our relationship any more and we don’tspend down time together or have any hobbies or anything much in common apartfrom friends and tv/films. She gave usthe message to ‘invest more in your relationship’ but for me to decide where Iwant to go before we decide how we’re going to do it. She brought up his anger and how he shouldmaybe start writing things down, and also said we should try and remember whywe got married and why we love each other.

It was funny the insight she had into the relationship without mehaving to be blunt. And she noticed thatI seemed disconnected.

 

It’s weird how disconnected I feel – and I’m not sure whether that’sbecause of the miscarriage or what’s happened or what. Separation is still on my mind – whereas Hthinks we just need to sort out the fighting and it will be fine.

Edited October 23, 2013 by awhirlwind
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