How to let a child know their father is leaving

[Raena]

Ok, to all of you who followed my previous posts and commented...

 

You were right!. All of you.

 

I was a fool to stay with a man who had cheated in the past.

 

I was a fool to believe his lies.

 

I get all of that, so please don't comment on the fact that I shouldn't have been with him. I also do not feel that I have poor self-esteem or no self-respect. I did what I did because I cared about him and because I love my son and wanted his father to be a regular part of his life. I felt like I had to give him another chance to do things differently, so I did.

 

It blew up in my face.

 

Last night, my former bf, who is now officially my ex (yay me!) informed me via text that he has had an ongoing affair with another woman for the last year and half or so. He said it was supposed to be just sex, that was all he wanted from her and that they were never supposed to be together. He blames me, says that it is my fault because I didn't pay enough attention to him, that he was lonely so he looked elsewhere for attention. Apparently they were both cheating on their significant others with the intention of keeping it a secret that they were sleeping together. They promised each other they wouldn't tell their families and that their families would remain intact. Then her man found out and kicked her out. So.... because of this, she felt the need to make sure I knew too. She wanted my family destroyed because hers was. She went out of her way to cause issues for me, meanwhile he lied straight to my face about it all. Last night he couldn't because she posted that they are engaged and included pictures of them together on Twitter. Crap hit the fan and we are now split up. He didn't come home last night, and the intention is for him to leave and find another place to stay permanently.

 

I will never doubt the responses I get on here again. Ever. You all called this for what it was. I couldn't see the truth until it hit me in the face.

 

It has been a long 6 months to get to this point. Now I have to deal with the aftermath.

 

So my question to you all is... how do I handle this with grace for my son? What do I tell my 6 year old innocent little boy about why his father will no longer be living with us? He will want to know. He will ask a million questions. He will cry and act out. What do I say to him?

 

Do any of you have an words of advice on this topic? I know enough not to tell him that his father is a lying cheating son of a birch, but how do I explain it to him that Daddy isn't going to be coming home.

 

I'm full of emotions right now. I cry, I yell, I vacillate between feeling relief that it is over and utter sadness and pure grief. I sent him to my mom's last night so I could spend some time alone trying to get myself together.

 

He is going to come home in a little bit and he will be expecting his father to be here. He promised our son that they would work in the yard together today and he has been looking forward to it. He likes helping Daddy do yard work. He has been talking about it all week. What do I do?

[crederer]

Well, I've been the child in this scenario. I was a bit older though.

 

Cheating and affairs are too much for a child to handle. Don't mention any of that.

 

I'd sit him down and simply say "your father and I have decided that we won't be living together any more". He'll probably get emotional and just tell him that you love him and he can visit dad any time he wants.

 

Don't villify the ex to the child because he is still his father whom I'm sure he loves and he will likely resent you at some point if you bash the father.

 

As the child gets older I'm sure he'll learn about the affair at some point and that's when it can be open for a respectful (i.e not bashing) conversation about it. Now is not that time.

[Raena]

Ok, I understand what you are saying.

 

I won't tell him why, I will just say that he won't be here anymore. I can't promise him that he can go see his father whenever he wants, because I'm not sure how that is going to play out. I can just tell him that he can call him whenever he wants.

[road]

Tell the truth. 4 yo can understand the concept of an affair.

 

How to tell the truth:

 

When dad's and mom's get married they do not have GF/BF and go on dates with them.

 

Well dad has a GF and has been going on dates with the OW (insert OW's name).

 

What dad did is known as having an affair.

 

Dad has left us to be with the OW.

[Raena]

He did come over and spend time with his son yesterday like he said he would. We sat down and talked about how to go forward from here. I doubt he will keep his promises, but I sure hope he will.

 

I'm feeling better today. Not so emotional. Just sick from the stress of it all. I knew it was coming, but I didn't want to believe it and the truth of it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

He isn't engaged to that girl btw... that was her trying to cause more problems. Apparently she gets some sort of glee out of hurting me. I don't understand that really. If she wants to be angry.. be angry with him, not with me. I had nothing to do with what they chose to do to their families.

 

At this point I'm trying to keep things cool... no drama in the house or in front of our son. I made it very clear to the ex that we are done and there is no going back this time. He is going to stay here for the week, which doesn't really affect me because he's not here when I'm here. But doing this will help transition things better for our son. He can get him on the bus and give us time to get another plan in place for that. We came up with a plan that works for both of us for how to still be parents but not be together.

 

My son didn't respond well to hearing that his Daddy is going to move out. He has a ton of questions, just like I thought he would, but I'm not going to vilify his father to him. He has to figure that out for himself when he gets older.

 

I will, however, be going to the court house to get things situated with custody and support. My ex seems willing to come up with a plan together to take to the court rather than let them decide. We shall see how that goes. It's easy for him to say that stuff right now... he thinks if he kisses my butt that I will take him back and make life easy for him. He's pretty clear on how easily I could make his life a miserable living he.ll.

 

As I said though... I'm just trying to keep my cool and not let all of this get to me too much. Life does go on and I deserve better than what he has given me.

[crederer]

No, you don't tell the 6 year old about the affair. That is juts plain petty. Ya, he can understand what it is, doesn't mean he's emotionally equipped to handle it.

[Raena]

Just an update on this thread. I didn't tell my son what happened at all, but he did manage to figure it out all on his own. He's a bright young boy and he pays attention to what he sees and hears going on. We tried to keep this between us, but he figured it out anyway. It wasn't hard for him to figure out when he heard his father on the phone talking to a female and telling her that he loved her. My son heard this and asked me if it was me that his Daddy was talking to. His father denied it and said he was talking to his cousin. I seriously doubt it.

 

At this point, I'm not allowing her to be around my son. I don't know what's going on between those two, but it seems like they break up and get back together pretty regularly. It's only been 3 weeks since his father moved out, I'd say that's a little soon to introduce a new female into the picture, and since they have supposedly broken up and gotten back together twice since October 18th, just 6 weeks ago, I'd think it completely inappropriate for this particular female to be introduced to him.

 

My son is 7 now and doesn't seem phased by this at all. All he is upset about is that he can't see his father as much as he would like, but the truth is, his father was hardly ever around even when we lived together anyhow. I hate the role model example his father is setting for him about all of this. It's terrible. I can only hope that he will not remember that his father left, ignored his birthday and wouldn't talk to him for 2 weeks. Things have been better since he kicked that girl out, but he's out of state at the moment and he's been making a better effort to call and talk to him every day since. We'll see how things go when he returns at the end of the month.

[tlegend]

This entire post infuriates me. To know that I have to fight on a daily basis to even get to SEE my boy, and this asshat throws things like that into the trash over some ho.

 

UGHHHHH, I'm leaving work now. I can't comment on this right now. My fingers are spraying rage at this guy.

[CrystalCastles]

I agree with crederer.

 

DON'T say ANYTHING about the affair to your son. It will crush him. He will feel abandoned by his father (yes while I agree that's what is happening, it's too much for a child to take in).