Can Love Survive Without That "I Want to Rip Your Clothes Off" Feeling?

[antonio1149]

I dated someone who I really liked but was not that physically attracted to. She was overweight, and not just a little. She was very personable, however, and expressed a strong interest in improving herself. I know, I know, you shouldn't date people expecting them to change, but I thought it was worth a try and if it worked out, I'd have that perfect combination of great personality and hot (or at least decent) body.

 

She did lose weight but I was never that turned on and it was an issue. BTW, I'm extremely fit and active. We had affection and it was nice, but never what I'd call passionate. Eventually, I think it played a big part in ending the relationship. She never felt that desired by me.

 

Ironically, she eventually lost about 100 lbs. and is now svelte. But she's dating some other guy.

 

Can you really form a strong bond, and lifetime partnership, without that passion, at least in the beginning? This is a concern because as I get older, I'm not finding a lot of women in my age range who give me that feeling. Which means I have to either settle for more pleasant but physically "blah" relationships, or become a dirty old man lusting after women young enough to be my daughter.

[carhill]

IMO, if one finds their primary passion motivator being exterior appearances, then I think it will be difficult for love to survive without the passion of the 'I want to rip her clothes off' feeling which attends to that perspective.

 

If you believe that perspective is hard-wired and immutable, then go with it. Other perspectives will seem false.

[Mascara]

OP, I don't think the "I want to rip his/her clothes off" is necessarily related to outward appearances, although that's the example you gave. I think you probably just weren't attracted to her on any level. I do believe though that you need that feeling. It dims and fades over time, but I think you at least need the memory of it. Whether it's related to appearances, intellect, humour... you need to feel passion for a person on some level - and have the memory of that passion when it moves onto a deeper level.

[Grumpybutfun]

Antonio:

In my experience, I really don't think you can live without passion, especially at the beginning (up to 5 years in) of the relationship. Physical desire increases interest for men including the time you want to spend with a lady and how you perceive them. I am not sure that if I don't have that spark, that desire, that need physically or visually with someone that I would stick around very long. Chemistry or sexual napalm is often a huge attractor for men and women. That feeling sometimes have came to me in packages that I didn't recognize as my preference, but they came nonetheless and I was hooked visually and sexually. Desire can be present without the other person being your ideal looks, height, weight, or coloring. Looks can have very little to do with it.

I dated a woman who was extremely odd looking, but she was playful, a pistol, very artistic and interesting plus she did things with paint and charcoal that still makes me blush when I recall. I still look at some contemporary paintings and get a little aroused.

Another woman was plain and unassuming by day. She didn't look like a sex kitten as she was a research librarian, and I love knowledgeable types so I developed a studious friendship with her that turned to more. Due to some innuendos and a very rapier wit, I wasn't surprised when she came apart in my hands like hot lava. She liked it hardcore, and I learned a lot from her.

Looks, weight, and coloring have little to do with it, but passion had to be there for me to invest my time and energy. As mascara says, it has to be there when it moves to a deeper level or the lack of it will be glaringly obvious.

Just my humble opinion,

Grumps

Edited October 19, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Kofybean]

This is probably more common than people realize.

 

Question: Now that she is no longer rotund, and she is svelte, do you desire her? I'd really like to know.

 

Passion to jump someones bones goes deeper than looks, though that is a big part of it. I have dated a number of really great personality ladies, who I didn't feel all that hot for but knew they good people. I don't miss any of them after the breakup, actually I am relieved not to have to feint desire for them.

 

I do think passion is more important than a relationship when no kids are involved. Relationships seem to always end.

 

I dated someone who I really liked but was not that physically attracted to. She was overweight, and not just a little. She was very personable, however, and expressed a strong interest in improving herself. I know, I know, you shouldn't date people expecting them to change, but I thought it was worth a try and if it worked out, I'd have that perfect combination of great personality and hot (or at least decent) body.

 

She did lose weight but I was never that turned on and it was an issue. BTW, I'm extremely fit and active. We had affection and it was nice, but never what I'd call passionate. Eventually, I think it played a big part in ending the relationship. She never felt that desired by me.

 

Ironically, she eventually lost about 100 lbs. and is now svelte. But she's dating some other guy.

 

Can you really form a strong bond, and lifetime partnership, without that passion, at least in the beginning? This is a concern because as I get older, I'm not finding a lot of women in my age range who give me that feeling. Which means I have to either settle for more pleasant but physically "blah" relationships, or become a dirty old man lusting after women young enough to be my daughter.

[StanMusial]

I dated someone who I really liked but was not that physically attracted to. She was overweight, and not just a little. She was very personable, however, and expressed a strong interest in improving herself. I know, I know, you shouldn't date people expecting them to change, but I thought it was worth a try and if it worked out, I'd have that perfect combination of great personality and hot (or at least decent) body.

 

She did lose weight but I was never that turned on and it was an issue. BTW, I'm extremely fit and active. We had affection and it was nice, but never what I'd call passionate. Eventually, I think it played a big part in ending the relationship. She never felt that desired by me.

 

Ironically, she eventually lost about 100 lbs. and is now svelte. But she's dating some other guy.

 

Can you really form a strong bond, and lifetime partnership, without that passion, at least in the beginning? This is a concern because as I get older, I'm not finding a lot of women in my age range who give me that feeling. Which means I have to either settle for more pleasant but physically "blah" relationships, or become a dirty old man lusting after women young enough to be my daughter.

 

I would say yes. Otherwise no one would ever stay together more than a few years. Because whether you had that feeling in the beginning or not, it's going to change over time.

[antonio1149]

Thanks to all---good thoughts.

 

Mascara said:

"OP, I don't think the "I want to rip his/her clothes off" is necessarily related to outward appearances, although that's the example you gave. I think you probably just weren't attracted to her on any level. "

 

What makes you think that? I stated that I found her very personable. She had other good qualities, too. I assume you're a woman, as I think most men would say that outward appearances count for more than you think they might. For example, for many guys, a woman could have smarts, talent, and personality that are nothing short of astonishing, but if she's morbidly obese they're never going to have the"I want to rip her clothes off feeling." That applies to a lot of women as well.

 

Grumpybutfun said:

"Desire can be present without the other person being your ideal looks, height, weight, or coloring. Looks can have very little to do with it."

 

I agree that you can have desire with someone who's less than ideal, but only to a point. Probably no one I've ever been in a relationship with has been my "ideal." And I've met women who have been my "ideal" who had lousy personalities and I lost interest.

 

I get the impression that the women you mentioned from your past were were not seen by you as potential lifetime partners--correct me if I'm wrong. Lots of guys will date someone who's "good enough" if they're lonely and not thinking long-term. It's a whole different ballgame when it's someone you hope to wake up to every day for the rest of your life.

 

Kofybean asked:

"Question: Now that she is no longer rotund, and she is svelte, do you desire her? I'd really like to know."

 

Eh. First of all, the skinny version is not really my type, either. She's Asian and not very curvaceous--I like curves. Not as in BBW, but an hourglass figure. But, I think if the personality issues hadn't emerged we would've stayed together and I would've loved her and been just fine with the physical part. She may not have been my ideal, but (**drum roll**) she would've been attractive enough and I would've had passion for the whole package.

 

I look at her through a different lens now. I was very turned off by some of her behavior, before and after the relationship, but especially after. I used to love her endearing smile--now I see it, and it gives me a minor case of the creeps. I looked at some old photos of us together towards the end of our relationship (*after* she had lost a fair amount of weight) and had that "what was I thinking?" feeling. But I know I felt differently at the time.

[Mascara]

Thanks to all---good thoughts.

 

Mascara said:

"OP, I don't think the "I want to rip his/her clothes off" is necessarily related to outward appearances, although that's the example you gave. I think you probably just weren't attracted to her on any level. "

 

What makes you think that?

 

 

Because.... you said you still didn't fancy her even when she lost weight. All those qualities you listed were the qualities you'd also find in a friend. You were never attracted to her, even when physically you could have been.

[man_in_the_box]

Can you really form a strong bond, and lifetime partnership, without that passion, at least in the beginning?

 

I think it depends a lot on what kind of person you are, what your goals are and how determined you are to achieve them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It depends on a person.

 

I really need that I want to rip my man's clothes off feeling

[Leigh 87]

It depends on a person.

 

I really need that I want to rip my man's clothes off feeling

 

 

 

Me too:love:

 

However, the only two guys I've had that instant and intense chemistry with, were both overweight and not as hot as other guys I'd been with.

 

It's not like u need to hold out for a good looking person in order to have that feeling. Plain or even unattractive people can, in fact, give you those wanna rip their clothes off sensation:)

[Kofybean]

,... I looked at some old photos of us together towards the end of our relationship (*after* she had lost a fair amount of weight) and had that "what was I thinking?" feeling. But I know I felt differently at the time.

 

been there a thousand times. totally understand

[Ninjainpajamas]

What makes you think that? I stated that I found her very personable. She had other good qualities, too. I assume you're a woman, as I think most men would say that outward appearances count for more than you think they might. For example, for many guys, a woman could have smarts, talent, and personality that are nothing short of astonishing, but if she's morbidly obese they're never going to have the"I want to rip her clothes off feeling." That applies to a lot of women as well.

 

You have to realize that many women balance their ideals of men on the minority, not the majority, or simply associate it with "some men"...so even if you prove a point about most men if not very well all men, they'll just revert the men they favor and they are seeing/know of to the "some men" category automatically, regardless of how much that guy is the average joe.

 

It's not a popular argument to express how much men are attracted to youth/physical qualities above all else, and the consider the rest afterwards, but some women are on board with that as well and state it's their preference as well.

 

The "idea" is that age is just a number and not the major determining factor in many cases in and of itself for men, because youth is sexy for men as they get older. Of course men in favor of that perspective who benefit from the argument on the contrary, the distorted reality, simply argue the contrary and it's easily accepted by women and they are hailed as hero's.

 

I agree that you can have desire with someone who's less than ideal, but only to a point. Probably no one I've ever been in a relationship with has been my "ideal." And I've met women who have been my "ideal" who had lousy personalities and I lost interest.

 

I get the impression that the women you mentioned from your past were were not seen by you as potential lifetime partners--correct me if I'm wrong. Lots of guys will date someone who's "good enough" if they're lonely and not thinking long-term. It's a whole different ballgame when it's someone you hope to wake up to every day for the rest of your life.

That's the reality, but again, don't expect to get a lot of open support from men in that argument...nobody likes their head on the chopping block with women who are wielding axes.

 

Beggars can't be choosers, men will get the best they're capable of attaining physically...I don't think women realize how little a mans options can be regardless of being good-looking and successful, many men don't have the confidence to risk throwing a fish back into the sea.

 

I think most men will dabble in the casual with women if they have an opportunity, regardless of long-term prospect, I don't think men generally feel that way when looking for women to date...if they are ready to settle down, have a family and the rest of it, then it's pretty easy for them to lock into that mode...otherwise they pretty much try to elude it while having one foot in the door and the other out.

 

Long-term and casual are two entirely different things for men....one is a very specific woman or ideal, the rest is unfortunately, mainly variety.

 

Eh. First of all, the skinny version is not really my type, either. She's Asian and not very curvaceous--I like curves. Not as in BBW, but an hourglass figure. But, I think if the personality issues hadn't emerged we would've stayed together and I would've loved her and been just fine with the physical part. She may not have been my ideal, but (**drum roll**) she would've been attractive enough and I would've had passion for the whole package.

It really comes down to what you are willing to accept, could you really accept the issues with her weight? ask yourself honestly and without trying to talk yourself into it one way or the other, just the honest feeling and you'll have an answer.

 

If she was attractive enough, in spite of all her issues then it usually signifies to me that you are a man who is not really going after what you really desire and in turn settling for what you think you need to or is attainable.

 

Personally this relationship sounds like a waste of your time, I think you would have only been partially happy, but you try to tell yourself maybe you could've worked it out internally...a lot of men do that however, and fail, walking away in the end or going with another woman when the opportunity presents itself before exiting their current relationship...it's just what I've seen usually happen, if a guy is indecisive about something and has to talk himself into something, it's likely to end in disaster...of course he's not always honest, transparent and vocal about that in his relationship with that woman, which confuses women and makes them think it's something they could actually fix and may even shoulder some of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

[antonio1149]

Because.... you said you still didn't fancy her even when she lost weight. All those qualities you listed were the qualities you'd also find in a friend. You were never attracted to her, even when physically you could have been.

 

Let me clarify. She lost some weight but was still heavy, so attraction was still an issue. If we had stayed together, and she eventually got down to a normal weight (which she did), I think I would've felt more attraction, and I never would've learned of some of her other character flaws which manifested after we broke up (e.g., promiscuity).

[FitChick]

You need physical attraction in the beginning as the "glue" to keep you together to get to know each other and fall in love. Then passion fades and you have a very loving relationship with your best friend for life. Doesn't mean you won't have sex, by the way. The novelty of sex wears off and is replaced by more important qualities.

 

Sounds like this woman got a wake up call by your leaving her so finally lost the weight.

 

I date men over 45 and most have let themselves go. They become invisible to me. Same thing happens with women, which is why I really make an effort to look as good as I can afford.

[antonio1149]

You have to realize that many women balance their ideals of men on the minority, not the majority, or simply associate it with "some men"...so even if you prove a point about most men if not very well all men, they'll just revert the men they favor and they are seeing/know of to the "some men" category automatically, regardless of how much that guy is the average joe.

 

It's not a popular argument to express how much men are attracted to youth/physical qualities above all else, and the consider the rest afterwards, but some women are on board with that as well and state it's their preference as well.

 

Quite true.

 

It really comes down to what you are willing to accept, could you really accept the issues with her weight? ask yourself honestly and without trying to talk yourself into it one way or the other, just the honest feeling and you'll have an answer.

I think I answered this in the previous post. As she got closer and closer to "normal," I think I would've been more and more attracted, until eventually it was a non-issue. And all the other things I liked about her would've remained, so I would've had everything--the emotional bond, the feeling of closeness and connection, plus the passion. In theory, anyway.

 

If she was attractive enough, in spite of all her issues then it usually signifies to me that you are a man who is not really going after what you really desire and in turn settling for what you think you need to or is attainable.

Good point. I knew in the beginning it would be a challenge. My problem is, I have found it not attainable to find someone who has everything I "really desire": looks, intelligence, warm heart, great personality, emotionally healthy, and available and interested in me. So you're right, I've tended to settle for "projects" that have some of these but also one or two significant flaws that account for their being available. Without those flaws, meeting them in their "perfect state" would be like winning the lottery.

 

Prior to our relationship, my ex went all through college with no dates because of her obesity. As soon as she got down to just being slightly overweight (after our breakup), guys started hitting on her left and right and she was like a kid in a candy store. She started doing major hook-ups, and is now living with one of her hook-ups. So if she had never been overweight, I probably never would have met her--she would've constantly been in relationships, transitioning smoothly into the next one before she's fully left the previous one, which seems to be what most attractive women do.