Typical MM behavior or Narcissist?

[Kitten12]

Hello All!

 

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a while now. I desperately need some help. Please forgive the length of this.

Here's a little back story: One year ago (next week) I met a man who I fell for very quickly. We weren't serious but did email or skype daily. He was very busy, starting a business and has a child. Even though at the time I didn't feel like he was putting much into our attraction to one another he wanted to be exclusive. That happened within a few weeks of knowing one another. (We are long distance and met online, but not a dating site) I thought it was strange that he wanted to be exclusive so fast even when we didn't know each other very well, but I was already crazy about him. He was charming, successful, funny and incredibly handsome. It didn't take long for his actions to change, he started the push-pull thing that some of you talk about. He would "get busy" and not talk to me for a day or two when we had been talking every day for months. But for some reason that just made me want him more, he was becoming a drug for me. I was getting suspicious after a while that he only talked to me at certain times of the day and that visits were never to his home. After a particular instance I started snooping online and found out that he was married and had another child that I didn't know about. To say that I was heart broken would be an understatement. I left, he didn't seem very concerned. 3 months later, he came back. And me being completely infatuated and addicted to him, let that happen. I've never been with a married man and am not proud that I am now. I've got way in over my head and had no intention of being where I am now. In love with a MM. But that isn't the issue- The issue is his behavior... It may be totally normal A behavior but I'm not so sure. Here's the things I'm concerned with:

1. He tends to talk to me most when I am inflating his ego, yet he never compliments me. He has (on very few occasions) said he thinks I'm wonderful and often calls me smart. He constantly needs me to build him up and tell him how great he is doing and how hard he is working.

2. We talk when he wants to. I hear from him most every week day but the weekends he is more quiet.

3. He has told me lots of things about his life: family, friends, work etc.. He has even told me in depth things about his wife. But he doesn't take an interest in mine.

4. If I EVER tell him something that I feel he is doing wrong, he gets angry and wont talk to me for a day or two.

5. When we first started this, he would go out of his way to show that he cares or whatever, now he does none of that but doesn't seem to want me to go anywhere. I feel like he is giving me just enough crumbs to keep me.

6. He has admitted that he enjoys "a bit of deprivation" after I told him that I didn't like the long periods I went without hearing from him.

 

Do these things sound like a typical MM? Is he just egotistical? He does not "future fake". We both know his situation isn't changing, and at this point I wouldn't want it to. I have to walk on egg shells as his OW, I can't imagine what she has to do. I know what you are thinking now...lol. Yes I do need to walk away. I hope I can, I am working on it. He honestly feels like a necessity to me. I'm addicted to him. I sometimes wish I could tell his wife but I wont. I think if I could understand him a little better maybe it would help... IDK. Sigh... please help!

[Snipercatt]

I think you understand him perfectly.

[Kitten12]

I think you understand him perfectly.

 

Why's that?

[Kitten12]

What's that saying? When someone tells you who they are you should believe them. I hear you saying you love him and are addicted to him, but why? Seems like you settle for just about nothing. If this post were written by your daughter or your best friend, what would your advice to them be? Would you advise them to stay in such an unhealthy, one-sided relationship, or run away from the dysfunction as fast as they could? What is it about you that wants to settle for so little?

I understand what you are saying... I would say "Run, as fast as you can". But that doesn't make it easy. This is the most odd, dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in. But it's also made me feel more deeply for someone than I ever have, and it's hard for me to give that up. I'm co-dependent of him, it's awful.

[Kitten12]

I'm afraid my dear, all married men involved in affairs are narcissists......

Apparently.. I suppose I deserve it since I stayed knowing he is married.

[whichwayisup]

If a single guy treated you this way, would you stick around for it? If a woman friend treated you this poorly, ignored you and only spoke to you when she had time for you, would you put up with it? Continue being a friend and having her in your life, or continue dating a guy who treats you like crap? My guess is no..That you wouldn't let any so called friend treat you poorly..So why let this schmuck? Think about it! -Cut this guy OUT of your life. He's no good for you, married or not. What he is doing is cruel. He knows he can manipulate you and you'll cave, you've shown him this time and time again. All he has to do is tell you what you want to hear and you drop everything and pay attention to him.

 

Don't try to figure him out and why he does the things he does. Fact is, he will continue to string you along as long as you're there, allowing him to take advantage of your weakness and your addiction to him. He KNOWS what he's doing.

 

Get pissed off, tell him to take a hike and shut him out of your life.

[GypsumSatellite]

I will say that your MM sounds like mine. Mine is a manipulator. Mine likes the attention on him and will give me enough to keep getting what he enjoys. He shares too much with me and always has, because this builds trust quickly and it also shows you he has little concern for the privacy of anyone. What he says about others will one day be what he says about you. The key is how he talks about his W or any woman he knows or has dated. You will see it emerge that he respects no woman, he only sees fit to use them for whatever he requires at the time.

 

Get him to talk about his family of origin. Get him to talk about his mother or his siblings. Ask him about his father. Find out what kind of stories he'll tell about his friends. Does he have many men friends? Does he have mostly a string of women friends or exes he still keeps in touch with? Does he have anything good to say about them?

 

I can tell you right now he's a danger. He's a giant red flag. I can tell you this and it may not sink in until you're where I am - overly invested and realizing he'll let you go only when he's good and ready. 3 months is nothing to him because he thinks you'll always come back around to top him off when he's feeling empty.

 

Don't you let him drain you. Don't let him hook into you and train you to make him feel good at expense of yourself. Read everything you can on emotional manipulation, emotional abuse and narcissism and read through the checklists and see him for exactly what he is. There's no saving him. There's no rescuing him. He is how he is because he wants to be - he sees it gets results and he knows exactly how to find a woman willing to tolerate him.

 

On that last bit, if he describes his W or exes in detail, you'll see a pattern emerging of the kind of circumstances he lifted them from. Chances are, they were all in a period of distress or hard times.

 

You say you feel you're on eggshells - that's a red flag enough. Pay attention to the feelings you have. Don't disregard your gut. It's yelling at you pretty loud right now.

 

You don't deserve his treatment, even if you went into this eye wide open to his status. He'd have found a way in, because that's what he does. Acknowledge what part of you needed his attention and learn to protect that part of yourself in the future.

[lollipopspot]

Well he sounds like such a winner I can certainly see why you're attracted to him!

[Kitten12]

Thank you for this. He does talk about his wife but just plain stuff like, she's not smart and she's changed. He calls his ex's crazy. He has way more female friends, he even mentioned that he wished he had more male friends. They probably see through him. How long have you been with your MM?

[Kitten12]

Well he sounds like such a winner I can certainly see why you're attracted to him!

Unfortunately, he was charming at some point. Lol.

[Speakingofwhich]

Kitten, my MM and experience with him was wonderful! He treated me very well, was never gamey and was in touch with me 24/7. I could write pages about the glories of that man and of being with him, but I'll keep it short.

 

As wonderful as he was/is we are now NC as I couldn't live with the guilt of dating a MM. And I need to be with someone I don't have to lie about or sneak around with. I also don't want my man to live in a house with another woman even if they aren't intimate.

 

I don't want my man going to "obligatory events" with another woman. And I want him with me at all of my events.

 

My self respect kept getting wounded, a hit here and a bump there, because of the situation, not because of him.

 

Had he been like the guy you've posted about I doubt I could have tolerated him for a week.

 

My advice is to kick this jerk to the curb! And begin to enjoy life again!

[C00kie]

Hi Kitten 12,

 

I'm sorry about your situation.

 

As you were stating his typical behaviours, I thought that you certainly won't be able to put up with it for much longer. I don't think this is MM typical behaviour at all. Some of them may be nascissits, some of them may go quieter on weekends, but the other traits you described are simply not "normal" or common to every MM, at all.

 

Trying to generalise MM behaviour is, in my opinion, counterproductive. Not all MM are the same. Of course, they will have things in common, such as going quieter on weekends or whenever the wife is around, not being able to call you when you want to etc etc etc, but that's what comes with the situation.

 

As for the rest, you're talking character particularities. Your MM is selfish, self absorbed, spoiled and needs constant ego validation, and doesn't care much about everyone else. The way he treats you is simply not decent.

 

Let him go as soon as you can.

 

(easy said than done, right? but you'll do it. also, my advice: don't spend too much time on LS - you'll find pleeeeenty of judgement, speculation, to a point where you won't know what's true and what's fantasy anymore, it can leave you paranoid. Why not take a holiday or a weekend off, take some time to yourself and really put things into perspective? Then you can decide what to do or, if unable to do it alone, look for a therapist).

 

All the best!

[Snipercatt]

You're being "groomed".

[imfine]

"I understand what you are saying... I would say "Run, as fast as you can". But that doesn't make it easy. This is the most odd, dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in. But it's also made me feel more deeply for someone than I ever have, and it's hard for me to give that up. I'm co-dependent of him, it's awful."

 

You feel more deeply because you feel for your fantasy of him, not who he really is to you. Since he is not a real part of your daily life it is easier to detach and eventually break free. Do this for you. What he says he needs is irrelevant.

[threelaurels]

Do all MM have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? No.

 

Do all MM have narcissistic personality traits? Definitely.

 

Being able to enjoy happiness that is taken at someone else's expense is a narcissistic trait. Thinking your needs/desires/wants are more important than those of others is a narcissistic trait. Engaging in actions that hurt others (both the BW and often the OW) because those actions satisfy your own needs/desires/wants is a narcissistic trait.

 

The thing most people don't understand is that most kinds of mental disorder, from depression to sociopathy, is not an absolute. Most mental disorders are on continuums. There are very few people on the low end (ex: no narcissistic traits) and very few people on the high end (ex: full blown narcissism). Most people fall somewhere in the middle. Disorders that involve hallucinations, delusions, and detachment from reality are the exception.

 

The line of what is and isn't a mental disorder is arbitrary. A person has a mental disorder when these traits/feelings/moods/thoughts/etc. become a problem that affects their ability to function in society. Where exactly that point is varies from person to person.

 

So, while the vast majority of MM probably do not have NPD, they are certainly narcissists to some extent. Then again, when push comes to shove, we all have narcissistic traits--some just have more than others.

[Kitten12]

You're being "groomed".

Groomed for?

[Kitten12]

Hi Kitten 12,

 

I'm sorry about your situation.

 

As you were stating his typical behaviours, I thought that you certainly won't be able to put up with it for much longer. I don't think this is MM typical behaviour at all. Some of them may be nascissits, some of them may go quieter on weekends, but the other traits you described are simply not "normal" or common to every MM, at all.

 

Trying to generalise MM behaviour is, in my opinion, counterproductive. Not all MM are the same. Of course, they will have things in common, such as going quieter on weekends or whenever the wife is around, not being able to call you when you want to etc etc etc, but that's what comes with the situation.

 

As for the rest, you're talking character particularities. Your MM is selfish, self absorbed, spoiled and needs constant ego validation, and doesn't care much about everyone else. The way he treats you is simply not decent.

 

Let him go as soon as you can.

 

(easy said than done, right? but you'll do it. also, my advice: don't spend too much time on LS - you'll find pleeeeenty of judgement, speculation, to a point where you won't know what's true and what's fantasy anymore, it can leave you paranoid. Why not take a holiday or a weekend off, take some time to yourself and really put things into perspective? Then you can decide what to do or, if unable to do it alone, look for a therapist).

 

All the best!

Thank you for the advice. I believe you are right. I have to find a way to remove myself. Thank you also for your kind reply.

[Snipercatt]

Reread your first post and you'll see what you're being groomed for. You are being groomed to satisfy what he wants without having to hear about, think about, or care about, anything to do with you, or your life.

[GypsumSatellite]

I've been with him a few years - he wasn't a jerk until he had my confidence and love secured. Didn't test me until he knew I was ready. It's not the nature of the relationship that has bothered me, but my growing realization he's a user who enjoys nudging people into fitting his roles for them. I have come to realize that how I've felt whiplashed by behaviors and mentality from him, is but a drop in the bucket of what his W and previous women have had to deal with.

 

Mine's charming, knows how to bring me back to a sense of safety and then tweak the insecurity he's gotten to know through our time together. A person like this will learn every need, every way to wound, and every way to build your joy. And they will poke what they need to keep you in line until you feel empty and are ready to escape.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think Narcissist(ism) is currently the most misused and misunderstood word in the entire English language...

 

TFY

[Pastypop]

Yes, this is typical player behavior. When you dumped him, it pissed him off. He decided to get even which is why he contacted you three months later. He has decided that he will use, control and dump you when he's good ready. Dump him now so you can walk away with your dignity and respect. Change your phone number, block him on email and social media. If he shows up at your home or work call the police and tell them some crazy man is stalking you. File a police report too! Do not even bother telling him that you are leaving the relationship. Don't tell him anything, just disappear and make sure that he cannot contact you so he doesn't continue the games. Think of him as a crazy psycho!!