Why can't I say the words

[wantmyselfback]

My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years, married for 4. We have 2 children together and one from a previous relationship. 16, 7 and 3. We started out as best friends, he had always wanted me and I was not attracted to him. Looking back I believe I forced myself to have feeling for him and to be attracted to him. We were very good best friends but ever since the kids I am pretty sure we never should have been more than friends. We cannot agree on parenting, we are not partners (I am just his dependent apparently), he is 10 years older, he treats me like a child, in fact he treats our children better, we both want eachother to be different people who we clearly aren't. Divorce has been brought up a few times over the past year by him. Once I actually brought it up myself he was very offended at first. Told me he would sell the house for $1 to a friend, quit his very high paying job to go on welfare and take the kids full time. Later he said he was just mad and loved me and didn't want to loose me. He is not willing to do any of the things I told him I would need him to do if he expected me to change and stay.(like tell me he loves me once day or help me around the house etc) He never says I love you, he has told me that he doesn't like me or my personality and doesn't find me attractive no matter how hard I try, we are barely ever intimate and I am the only one who initiates it. Since the new year I have stopped throwing myself at him constantly, stopped telling him I love him, I have pretty much done the 180 without realizing it now that I have read it. I took my rings off 6 months ago and he never even noticed (my sis had a convo with him so I know he was not aware) I thought if I backed off he would see it and try harder but he just doesn't notice me at all. We are roomates and he doesn't like me, he just wants me to cook and clean and keep my mouth shut. The only thing my 180 has taught me since January is that we really don't belong together. I have gone back and analyzed our whole relationship up to this point and I just feel stupid. He never wanted to get married and I begged him for years. I am not sure he ever really loved me or maybe he is just not capable, he comes from a very emotionally closed off family. I just can't live like this anymore. I have been to see a lawyer, have started looking for houses and the only thing really left is to tell him. I don't want the house, I don't want anything really except child support and my vehicle. I sit beside him on the couch in silence every night trying to muster up the courage to tell him. I don't want a fight or a messy court hearing, I just want us to settle this between us and hopefully we can somewhat be friends again for the kids. I'm sorry for rambling. I just don't know what to say to him. He either will be not happy and want revenge and the kids and to take everything or he will not want to divorce and beg me to stay but I know he won't change anything he has already said he won't. How do I tell him? I am just so angry all the time now. I just want this to be over.

[StandingO]

I was in a similar situation. Mostly, the fear you don't want to hurt them and fear of a ugly battle on your hands. To wast your life in the wrong path much much much worse.