Lack of maternal feelings

[NatoPMT]

Hi All

 

I am 33 (and a half), but have absolutely NO maternal feelings at all. I have never felt that 'pull' when i look at a baby, but i do feel it when i look at a puppy so i know what it feels like when people describe it.

 

I want to want children, i assume that in the future i will have the family meals, the cosy sitting round the fire playing Kerplunk but the future gets ever closer and the desire to do it stays at the same distance - in a distant future than i have no connection with.

 

I have a vague feeling that it would be nice to do one day, but when will that day or that feeling come? Will it ever come? Will i get to 50 and realise it never came then have a lonely old age? Obv you cant answer that but has anyone here felt this way then in the mid - late thirties, the maternal feelings come?

 

If they dont come, should i wait till the time is technically right then do it anyway without having the desire to do it? will it then fall into place?

 

Has anyone experienced this? what happened? Did the feelings arrive suddenly or did they creep up on you? did you have to get pregnant first? did they come with birth or later?

 

Thanks! BB

[zara]

at the age of 29 i have no urge to reproduce. i enjoy my nieces and nephews and my friends children but have no desire to go through the getting fat, swollen ankles, morning sickness, painful birth, loose muscles, sleepless nights, financial struggles myself.

 

But i do understand the desire to have that family unit, to create that stable social team, which is why i can see myself adopting older children in ten years or so.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its weird. I was the exact same way - I did not like children (they mostly made me nervous), and the idea of being pregnant was repulsive to me. Then I got pregnant. I was 26, and wasn't aware of it at first (lots of medical history there, plus I was on OrthoNovum 7-7-7). I enjoyed a brief pregnancy and was amazed at the changes my body was going through. Then I had my baby a bit early (28 weeks). It took a good six months for me to fully warm up to her - I felt so guilty about that. Now I have no doubts or insecurity about loving my kid (she's 8 now). She is the light in my otherwise unremarkable life. But... that love and maternal warmth only applies to my own child. I still dislike other kids. They make me nervous, edgy and ill at ease. Drooly loud toddlers, power moms... all that stuff I can do without. I have no desire to have another child or be pregnant again. I'll get a dog instead. Heh.

 

I guess its different for different women. For me, maternal instinct for my kid came in a few months after she was born - and has never wavered since then. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not a maternal type person in general though.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Zara

 

I thought about adoption/fostering too but as Lucrezia points out, part of my issue which i didnt state is that i dont like children so i decided against that. They hold absolutely no appeal for me at all. It would be a sensible option if i liked children but had no desire to give birth, but at this stage i have no desire to do either.

 

Hi Lucrezia

 

Children make me nervous too, i have never been around children and they are like little aliens to me. And the thought of being pregnant is repulsive, its parasitic. I am trying to ignore the thoughts on pregnancy or i will never do it. I bought a few pregnancy mags a few years ago wondering if it might kick start something and it made me feel physically ill reading about mastitis and the like.

 

Your story was a bit of a comfort to me, i guess the outcome should be that when i feel that i am in the right position to do it finacially etc, i should just bite the bullet and do it.

 

Are you going to have any more children LB?

 

I am hoping that the bonding hormone you produce during childbirth will be stronger than my compulsion to retch at the sight of all that mucusy stuff they are plastered in.

 

Has anyone ever felt like this then changed their mind BEFORE getting pregnant? Maybe when they met their husband? Or just with time?

 

Can mothers fail to bond? (if they dont have any other issues going on like post natal depression etc?)

 

I should have posted this in parenting but as i avoid that like the plague i forgot it exisited

 

BB

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by BigBelm

Are you going to have any more children LB?

It would be physically very difficult for me to have any more children without extreme medical intervention. I don't have enough of a cervix left to be able to carry a child on my own. I don't want to have to go through that physically or mentally, so I probably will not.

 

I am hoping that the bonding hormone you produce during childbirth will be stronger than my compulsion to retch at the sight of all that mucusy stuff they are plastered in.

Heh.. I only caught a bare glimpse of mine before they took her away. I don't know how I would have felt about the stuff all over her. It probably would not have bothered me at the time. Seeing it on a baby next to me though, that wasn't mine? Er... not so sure about that one.

 

Can mothers fail to bond? (if they dont have any other issues going on like post natal depression etc?)

I was seriously afraid that I would never feel anything for this child. It wasn't until she smiled and acted on her own rather than just reacting to stimuli that I began to warm up to her. I wouldn't have harmed her, nor would I have neglected her - I just didn't feel any particular bond to her. She was my responsibility and my child, but outside of that I waited every day for the "magic maternal instinct" to kick in. It never did - it was a gradual warming up that built into a ferocious need to protect and love my girl. It built from about six months to a year old. Then I was like a vicious mother gorilla. If anyone threatened my girl in any way or brought any pain or harm to her... now I try to help protect her from the evils of 'cliques' at her elementary school. Damn, but girls are vicious to each other these days.

 

To this day, I still think about the time before that - but after these years its just a memory. I don't let it get to me. I did feel guilty about it for a long time though.

[moimeme]

Has anyone experienced this? what happened?

 

Never had the urge to add more humans with my specific genetic material to the planet. Still don't. I don't expect ever to. Long ago, I felt very sorry for kids who had been orphaned and figured I'd adopt maybe one of those families left orphaned by an accident or something. My circumstances haven't been that it would be practical or feasible to do to date but if that doesn't happen, it's fine.

 

I don't dislike kids. Not only that, but they like me a lot. I was the favourite babysitter and the Sunday School teacher they all liked - which was real nice. I had four stepkids for a couple of years and we all got along terrifically.

 

I have never understood why people *must* pop out kids with their DNA. There are plenty of perfectly good children about who are lacking in love and family. And the big plus is that you know what you're getting. I don' t think the question is whether you'd enjoy having a kid of your own but whether you have the resources to dea with a chronically ill or disabled child, should you have one. After all, not all kids come out perfect. At least with one already born, you know it's healthy and fit - or you can choose to parent a disadvantaged child.

[Karen75]

I will be 30 in January and I had the brief desire to have kids when I was 19. I never did and now I have no desire to have kids. When I first met my current BF I started to consider what it would be like having a baby with him and then he introduced his 2 year old daughter into our lives and the last of my maternal feelings went out the window. I think he would be a great dad (he already is) but he is so easily flustered by it and I am feircely independent and love to have time alone. You don't get that when kids are around. Every other weekend, I have no time alone and the whole weekend is run by her schedule. Her eating, naps, bedtime, etc. Even trips to the store are ruled by her wants. All I can say is SCREW THAT! I have 14 neices and nephews that I can see anytime I want and then go home to a clean and quiet house. Not to mention that you can spend your money how you want to spend it...

 

Unless you have the strong desire to have kids, don't do it. It's not something you can STOP doing/being. My one fear was that I would wake up at 60 and realize that it would have been nice to have kids BUT having them does not guarantee that they will love you or be there for you when your old and gray.

 

K

[Dakini]

"And the thought of being pregnant is repulsive, its parasitic."

 

I am so glad I read this post. There are others like me in this world! (well, at least a little like me anyway )

 

I too think being pregnant is completely and utterly repulsive. It is a parasite. *ick*

 

I have never wanted children. Ever.

 

I always wondered, like you BigB, whether I ever would grow into wanting them. Then, whenever I am at a restaurant or book store, and some kid starts screaming - oh its birth control alright - and those thoughts instantly vanish. The only time I have ever contemplated thoughts of having my own children was when I fell madly love. And those were only thoughts of carrying on HIS genetics, so of course that's completely the wrong reason.

 

But BigB, I still don't quite understand your motivations. Why would you want to force yourself to have children in the hopes that maybe you will love them?

[NatoPMT]

Thanks for the replies.

 

LB – sorry about those health probs, I hope you are happy as you are – you sound it

 

I was seriously afraid that I would never feel anything for this child. It wasn't until she smiled and acted on her own rather than just reacting to stimuli that I began to warm up to her. I wouldn't have harmed her, nor would I have neglected her

 

That’s how I think I would feel too, but I just don’t know that’s why I wanted responses from people who have had children that didn’t feel maternal initially. This is the way a few of my friends have talked about it and this is what I assume will happen to me if the more favourable possibility of instant bonding doesn’t occur.

 

it was a gradual warming up that built into a ferocious need to protect and love my girl. It built from about six months to a year old. Then I was like a vicious mother gorilla. If anyone threatened my girl in any way or brought any pain or harm to her

 

I felt that was touching, that’s how I WANT to feel, and the fact I felt a longing to feel that way is a good sign if I want to want to have children I guess. I want to feel that bond

 

Hi Merry

 

There are plenty of perfectly good children about who are lacking in love and family

 

I have thought more about fostering older children than adoption and hoped it would be an option for me after having a child myself. But again, this is a ‘want to want’ situation. I don’t want to adopt. I am sure I wont bond with a baby without some biological help.

 

I don' t think the question is whether you'd enjoy having a kid of your own but whether you have the resources to deal with a chronically ill or disabled child, should you have one

 

My sister has been trying for 5 years to get pregnant by IVF, she got pregnant 2 years ago but at 5 months it was found the foetus had severe spina bifida. She decided to terminate the pregnancy, and the aftermath has been just awful, she’s had a terrible 2 years but I feel she made the right decision and I would make the same decision. (she is now 13 weeks pregnant and terrified the same thing will happen, she should find out next week if she’s all clear on spinfa bifida). Without that choice, then you have no choice and you get on with it but I don’t want to discuss the pro-life issues. My question isn’t whether I’d enjoy having a child, it’s whether any poster has developed maternal feelings in their late 20’s/30’s or older.

 

Karen – I know you can’t answer categorically, but do you think you would feel the same if its your own child? What you say is part of what’s kept me negative about other peoples very young children

 

Dakini - My motivation I think is that my childhood was cold and impersonal, I was a loner and had problems forming close relationships and feeling empathy for people I think due to the distant parental relationship I had. I know feel I understand the depths of relationships with people, people are more important to me than they have ever been and for different reasons so I effectively feel like a late starter.

I feel I am in a worthwhile relationship and I long to have the close bonds that families whom respect and love each other have. I walked past a house last christmas, and saw a family laughing round a table together through the window and stood and stared wishing I was part of something like that. But part of me is still highly reckless and irresponsible and I know I would not be a good parent just now plus circumstances would not allow that, but my ‘nesting’ instinct is starting to hit home with my bf, I want us to have a home together and I want to be part of something close and warm.

 

Id still like to hear from anyone who felt like me and went on to have children

 

BB

[moimeme]

But again, this is a ‘want to want’ situation. I don’t want to adopt. I am sure I wont bond with a baby without some biological help.

 

It might not come. Or you could end up at the other end of the spectrum - with PPD or worse.

 

Without that choice, then you have no choice and you get on with it but I don’t want to discuss the pro-life issues.

 

Oh woah, hold on! Think about what 'get on with it' means. One of my friends ended up with a child who became paraplegic. She's now in a group home but that was 18 years of intensive personal care. This isn't about whether or not you get rid of a flawed kid before it's born. Plenty of kids are born with major health issues and I think people don't take that into consideration when planning to have children.

 

I walked past a house last christmas, and saw a family laughing round a table together through the window and stood and stared wishing I was part of something like that.

 

IMHO, the worst possible reason to want a family is having some grand Norman Rockwellian fantasy about how lovely it is. Your glance into a window didn't show you the kid who's on drugs, the alcoholic aunt, and the fight again this year between the siblings who hate each other.

 

Seems to me, BB, that you have some glowy ideal of family life. Some families have periods of harmony and joy, but I think you're fully subscribed to the pop culture fantasy of what life is rather than the real nuts and bolts. If you'd said that you spent time with a family that had great interaction and you wanted to be like them, I'd be a little less skeptical but right now I think this is much too fuzzy and glowy a dream of yours. In my mind, it equates to the young girl's dream of a hero on a white knight marrying her and them living in bliss eternally. These lovely visions are just that.

[NatoPMT]

It might not come. Or you could end up at the other end of the spectrum - with PPD or worse.

 

It might not come, that’s why I am asking the question – I want to get responses off people who it hasn’t happened for and it has happened for – I don’t know if its possible for it not to come. I am asking if the non-bonding situation is a possibility, if I am otherwise happy etc. With the PPD, if I decided to get pregnant when the circumstances are more favourable, I would read more into this – I am interested if you know if there are any circumstances that may make PPD more likely?

 

Think about what 'get on with it' means

 

What are you suggesting people do in preparation for having children in case of accident or illness apart from the obvious financial security?

 

And I do know exactly what ‘get on with it’ means. People get on with it. I have seen it, experienced it, I have been a part of getting on with it.

 

the worst possible reason to want a family is having some grand Norman Rockwellian fantasy about how lovely it is

 

Stop telling me off Merry!! I said it was my motivation in investigating my feelings – I am NOT getting pregnant. My motivations in all areas of life come from wanting happiness and seeing a picture of what I perceive as happiness is a starting point for me. You don’t need to be skeptical seeing as this isn’t even an immediate issue for me - and i am part of a lovely family right now, and yes part of this is being in my bf's family home and being happy there - the snap shot was the first time i thought about it so i used that memory.

 

but I think you're fully subscribed to the pop culture fantasy of what life is

 

I am not wrong to want happiness and to know I can get it – I am a happy positive person, my life is getting closer to exactly what I have always wanted. That pop culture fantasy is my life right now. And what’s more, I know I can deal with it if that fantasy collapses. If my life develops to the stage where children can be a part of it, then I might have them. If I am not happy and stable and secure, I will not have them. If I have them and my circumstances change, I will deal with it with the help of family and friends and whatever necessary resources I need to deal with it. I am also aware that many problems are avoidable, and I know how to avoid a lot of them. I know people who have had the worst amount of sh/it flung their way and are still picture book happy. That’s where I want to be and that’s where I am heading.

 

BB. full stop.

[lostgirl26]

Hi BB,

 

I'll bounce a response off of you. I can relate to how you feel, I am only 26. It's not that I cannot imagine myself ever having children but I am an only child and had lots of mental issues as a child that I still have to deal with today. I have been married to a man for 5years that I don't get along with very well anymore. He desperately wants children and thinks it will help our situation(OH SO WRONG!), I firmly disagree. He is from a very large and dysfunctional family, I think about if we would put own two sets of genes and history together what a disaster it would be. Its quite possible that we would have normal healthy children, but... we both have neurological disorders that run rampant on both sides of our families. I have bipolar and he has a mild form of Tourette's syndrome, which also comes with all kinds of personality and mood disorders. Severe and manic depression run on both sides of our family along with alcoholism. Maybe with the right person I might feel differently, but I am never really comfortable around babies, toddlers and they seem to sense that in me and make me more nervous. I feel as if I cannot relate to them. A good friend of mine who is a year younger just had a baby(not planned) and she has never wanted children much less envisioned being married. She seems to be getting along ok, and her son is the only baby that I am not that uncomfortable around. I still feel very selfish and want to do much more for myself before I can even fathom the idea of having children. Pregnancy is not a real turn on to me either, I have heard too many horror stories. Well thats my 2cents, thought I would just put it in.

[moimeme]

I am interested if you know if there are any circumstances that may make PPD more likely?

 

I haven't read up on it. If I have time in the next few days, I might poke around & see what I find.

 

What are you suggesting people do in preparation for having children in case of accident or illness apart from the obvious financial security?

 

Put some serious thought into the implications.

 

And I do know exactly what ‘get on with it’ means. People get on with it. I have seen it, experienced it, I have been a part of getting on with it.

 

Well don't bite my head off. I can't exactly read your mind. 'Get on with it' is a fairly flip remark, you know.

 

Stop telling me off Merry!!

 

Not.

 

and yes part of this is being in my bf's family home and being happy there - the snap shot was the first time i thought about it so i used that memory.

 

And I knew this how? BB, I can only go by what you say about what you're thinking and what you said did not sound as though you were imagining a happy-ever-after that doesn't happen all that often.

 

I am also aware that many problems are avoidable, and I know how to avoid a lot of them.

 

And a lot aren't. And Life has a way of flinging great big hulking monkey wrenches into our well-thought-out plans. All I'm saying, BB, is picture the worst case scenario and see if you're willing to accept it. There's a thread on here by BadDad in which several people are venting about how much fun children are not. You would do well to read it.

 

I simply think it could be a major mistake to not be interested in kids in general and put your faith in 'biology' to change that. You want to know if you want kids around, start babysitting or volunteer at a kids' centre. Not with babies but with kids who can talk and yell and are starting to have their own opinions. Because there won't just be your kids, but they will have friends, etc. etc.

 

Too many people are suffering now because their parents didn't want them, mistreated them, etc. If you aren't going to embrace this fully - without hoping 'biology' will give you the feelings you lack, then it might be wise to not become a parent.

 

I'm actually surprised BadDad posted because I pretty much expected not to hear from any unhappy parents. It is SO politically incorrect to suggest that parenthood is anything but joy and ecstasy that I fully expected you'd only see glowing reports.

[NatoPMT]

'I am interested if you know if there are any circumstances that may make PPD more likely?'

 

 

'I haven't read up on it. If I have time in the next few days, I might poke around & see what I find. '

 

 

Likewise, and before make a decision to have children, i shall read up on that and every aspect

 

'Put some serious thought into the implications.'

 

on this one, i am of the same opinion as getting married, your vows include sickness & health, if you decide to have children, you agree in taking that step to do whatever is needed, just as if your spouse got ill, or your mother or whoever is in your responsibility. I wouldnt not get married in case my husband became ill, the chances are your spouse/parent will get ill in your lifetime are much higher than the likelyhood of your child being ill, but i wouldnt walk away from a spouse or parent - thats almost a done deal you may have to cope with that. I do have real life examples of this and i know part of my future willl include looking after people unless they have to look after me first.

 

'Well don't bite my head off'

 

wasnt intending to sorry if it appeared that way

 

'And I knew this how?'

 

what, you cant read minds as well? tut

 

'And a lot aren't. And Life has a way of flinging great big hulking monkey wrenches into our well-thought-out plans.'

 

I did say that myself. All i could do would be to ensure my circumstances were the best i could and if they changed then i would deal with all the resources i could. My point is that i can minimise the possibilities within my control, those out of my control i am aware of.

 

I had a look at BadDads thread. He's answered my original questions

 

the point of me starting the thread was to think through the possibilities of me developing a desire to have children - a couple of the things you have said have allowed me to look at whats started this thinking and its actually confirmed motivations i didnt realise were there, one example of this is staying in a very happy household where a child was ill for 4 years with a tumour before she died (my bf's twin) and seeing how the tragedy has pulled the family closer together and how living in this environment has changed my opinions on family life, seeing that i am part of this family and how i can contribute to it - seeing how communicating has worked for them through their grief and me being made a trusted part of that. Bf's dad said to me last week that i have helped them through some tough times and thanked me. I wasnt here when she was ill and my reference to being part of getting on with it was aimed at a family who are lifelong friends with my family. But i thank you for clearing my thinking and questioning me about that

 

Lostgirl, thanks for your reply. Sorry your circumstances are as they are, i think you are very wise not to be pushed on having children. Has bipolar been shown to be passed through genetics or does the environment of having bipolar family increase the chance of futher family members developing it? I agree with you wholeheartedly...

 

'He desperately wants children and thinks it will help our situation(OH SO WRONG!)'

 

i can only see 'band-aid babies' causing more issues and solving none. Does he think it will help your relationship or your disorders? or both?

 

'I still feel very selfish and want to do much more for myself'

 

~Thats exactly how i felt at 26 too, i wasnt too strong mentally then either. I feel very strong mentally now and have done for a few years, selfishness is non existant now and i have identified why i was selfish in my 20's and why i am not now. I hope you get as much control over your position as you can and i commend you on talking control over not having children when its not right and you are being pushed towards it.

[moimeme]

what, you cant read minds as well? tut

 

Sorry!

 

a very happy household where a child was ill for 4 years with a tumour before she died (my bf's twin) and seeing how the tragedy has pulled the family closer together

 

They must be a great family. Sadly, in some situations, that type of tragedy blows the family apart. I think it depends a lot on how each partner reacts to situations. Some people want to communicate, seek support, and share problems. Others tend to withdraw and react with pain and anger. In the latter case, the couple may not survive such a tragedy.

 

Hope you manage to sort this all out for yourself, BB!

[NatoPMT]

'hey must be a great family. '

 

oh yes, i come downstairs in the morning to be welcomed with a 'good morning my precious'. bf's twin requested dido's 'thank you' to be played at the funeral dedicated to her mother, she was thinking of the family and not her own fate.

 

'Sadly, in some situations, that type of tragedy blows the family apart. I think it depends a lot on how each partner reacts to situations. Some people want to communicate, seek support, and share problems. Others tend to withdraw and react with pain and anger. In the latter case, the couple may not survive such a tragedy'

 

I remember reading years ago that is xx% likely that a marriage will fail after the loss of a child, and how parents of murdered children have a huge likelyhood of splitting up. My mums friend lost a child in an accident, shes never spoken of him in the 10 yrs my mothers been friends with her, her marriage failed. Seeing how it can be coped with in a different way is truly inspirational - i am humbled by them and have learned much

 

'Hope you manage to sort this all out for yourself, BB'

 

am going to leave it for the time being and digest what i have thought about. in the future, ill do some reading up - espec on the PPD issue. i have a few years yet.

 

thanks all.