solostand Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 So yes I know I said I hated my MM's wife here in the past even though I had only met her once. . . Well last night I was talking to MM on the phone and he mentioned that his BS had gone to town to get her nails done and she brought him home an ice cream sundae because she knows he likes ice cream sundaes and of course he is recovering from his operation and all that. He just mentioned in passing because he said he almost fell asleep eating it. I pictured her leaving the nail salon and thinking "I think I'll go to dairy queen and get hubby a Sundae to make him feel better because that's his favorite treat," and I felt all ****ty and yes, even guilty. Guess I'm human after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 Are you saying I am a sociopath? Or a psychopath? Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Im confused. Sadperson what do you mean? What is the link between between guilt, sociopaths and ice cream sundaes? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Now Im even more confused. Please explain. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Good grief. Solo is acknowledging that the BW has done something nice for her WH. Why does this warrant an attack? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Well, tossing the words sociopath and gloating around in response to the OP are not exactly discussion or support, are they? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Good grief. Solo is acknowledging that the BW has done something nice for her WH. Why does this warrant an attack? I thought you were confused? Now you perceive an attack?? Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Solostand, I don't understand where/why the thread went where it went because I completely get you. She was kind, caring about him, concerned for him. And you felt guilty because you were interfering in what should be okay for her, a safe situation and relationship. Her actions were genuine. Yes, I felt that many times, most times actually. I never saw my exMM's BS as anything but a loving human that did not deserve the $$it storm she was in (without knowing, because of us). Pay attention to that guilt because it is real and true and definitely part of this mess, whether APs end up together or not. Either way, it hurts someone. Most days (maybe all) I think,"Better my pain than hers. She is innocent in this." Taking the high road is never wrong because happiness is found in many places and in many different ways. You will get yours even if it looks differently than you are hoping right now. Good luck. I know how it hurts, it all hurts. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Your post says you feel guilty because the BW bought her husband a sundae. Usually one feels guilty because of one's own actions or words, not because of someone else's actions. You have no control over the wife buying her husband anything, so absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty because of the sundae. Probably what you feel guilt about is your A with her husband, and you just became aware of your feelings of guilt when this incident of sundae buying contradicted whatever you tend to think or imagine to keep the guilt at bay. If that is the case, I think it is best to think about that and analyze your feelings and actions to make sure you are living the way you want and that you feel good about your actions and choices. Seeing anyone do something kind or thoughtful should bring a smile and good feelings. You have the power to get to that place, happy and content with your choices, if you want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 And this is exactly what I mean about feelings, they may be real, however they are not always the truth nor are they static. Nice personal observation. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Guess I'm human after all. Maybe part of your reaction is that suddenly, you can no longer avoid seeing her as a human being as well... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Maybe part of your reaction is that suddenly, you can no longer avoid seeing her as a human being as well... This seems to contradict the fact she was thought to be a controlling person He actions seem loving. Even when she took away his keys after his surgery, in order to keep him from driving, I thought it more lovingthan controlling. I believe you are seeing she is not as bad as WS makes her out to be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 So yes I know I said I hated my MM's wife here in the past even though I had only met her once. . . Well last night I was talking to MM on the phone and he mentioned that his BS had gone to town to get her nails done and she brought him home an ice cream sundae because she knows he likes ice cream sundaes and of course he is recovering from his operation and all that. He just mentioned in passing because he said he almost fell asleep eating it. I pictured her leaving the nail salon and thinking "I think I'll go to dairy queen and get hubby a Sundae to make him feel better because that's his favorite treat," and I felt all ****ty and yes, even guilty. Guess I'm human after all. Hearing that she is did a nice and sweet thing for her husband has made you see that she isn't half as bad as you've painted her out to be ( or what he's told you about her isn't the real truth). Of course you're human. You've just shut off your emotions when it comes to his wife and maybe you're beginning to realize that she's a real human being as well...Just like you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 She's real to you now, not just a make-believe monster. That's a good thing x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 20, 2013 Author Share Posted October 20, 2013 This is all true. All of it. The fact that she is thinking lovingly of her WH and bringing him home treats makes me realize that she does care about him. I found it jarring. I wanted to ask him don't you feel guilty that while she was gone buying your ice cream you were on the phone with me declaring your love? The fact that she's in the dark with an atomic bomb hanging over her head makes me feel guilty. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 solostand wrote, " I pictured her leaving the nail salon and thinking "I think I'll go to dairy queen and get hubby a Sundae to make him feel better because that's his favorite treat," and I felt all ****ty and yes, even guilty." I KNOW Right!?!!? It's an eye opener (things like above) that shed some Truthful light on preconceived notions regarding the BS. I Also must say that for me to read you having an emotion Other than vitrol for the BW is sincerely a relief to me* I hope you are able to dwell on this for a season taking into consideration your participation in this A. The "why's, how's and who's" it is affecting or most likely will affect, including yourself.* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 This is all true. All of it. The fact that she is thinking lovingly of her WH and bringing him home treats makes me realize that she does care about him. I found it jarring. I wanted to ask him don't you feel guilty that while she was gone buying your ice cream you were on the phone with me declaring your love? The fact that she's in the dark with an atomic bomb hanging over her head makes me feel guilty. Good. And worry about yourself and how YOU feel rather than if he feels guilty or not. Obviously neither of you feel that guilty or worried/concerned about her best interest because the affair is still going on. Now you know she's a real, breathing, feeling human being who also has the potential to blow up YOUR life if that atomic bomb goes off. Just expect a lot of fallout and consquences to hit your world, not just hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 This is all true. All of it. The fact that she is thinking lovingly of her WH and bringing him home treats makes me realize that she does care about him. I found it jarring. I wanted to ask him don't you feel guilty that while she was gone buying your ice cream you were on the phone with me declaring your love? The fact that she's in the dark with an atomic bomb hanging over her head makes me feel guilty. This reminds me of some email exchanges between WH and OW where he complained about so many things which were absolutely untrue. According to what he wrote: I did not cook I did not keep the house clean I bought him "useless" Christmas presents The reality was that I most certainly did those first two things, and the "useless" present in question got alot of use. Not only did I cook, I cooked from scratch and even made homemade chocolate syrup that he loved so much that he would quickly remind me when were almost out so that I would make more. Did we get take-out sometimes? Sure. Was the house spotless? Nope. I did not work but I was busy homeschooling two children. I do not mean to threadjack but I guess the "ice cream" thing reminded me of the "chocolate syrup" thing, and drives the point home that the wayward almost always lies/omits the good things in order to justify the behavior. He knows that you are a decent person so of course he is not going to share many "feelgood" stories with you or else, you might not be able to continue with him, you know? Wifey can't be painted in a good light. It's completely unfair, but it's understandable when you think about the dynamics involved in the triangle. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsumSatellite Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I think it's good that you can see her as a multi-faceted person just like your MM is a multi-faceted person. It gives you the perspective that in all relationships, there are times that will suck and times that are good and those times can overlap. You can see red at your loved one and still want to give them a treat out of a loving habit. An AP is going to keep the nice things hidden "I had to go out with my family, I had to sleep next to my spouse on vacation, I had to endure a birthday without meaningful presents" because many OW/M aren't going to jump for joy that their AP has a good M. Even if they have no intention of being with their AP, they will wonder what the point of being with their AP is if things are hunky dory at home. It is a lot easier to justify things if you are given the image of the inattentive, unproductive, neglectful spouse. If an AP said the opposite, how many would really partake of an A to begin with? I think what is important is: do you feel comfortable with your MM being treated nicely by both you and his W? What did it make you think about your R with your MM? Have you had a chance to discuss what you feel with your MM, to air any questions you may have about things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheOW Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I know this feeling all to well, within the A you do shut ur guilty feelings off even if he has said good or bad things about her, I think it's just you trying to convince yourself that what we are doing is ok. We know it's not but when your in love/lust, whatever, you do the most bizarre things and even more so in a secret relationship. I could go months without thinking about his wife and only feeling jealous/resentful and sometimes hatred for her it was irrational but that's what As do to you. Then bam I'd see her and she'd compliment me or ask how I'm doing how's the kids etc and it would hit me hard, the guilt. Then I would see him again and I would put the guilt to the back of mind and lock the door and the resentfulness would begin all over again. Wasn't her fault at all I guess I just couldn't manage too many emotions at the one time and the easiest one to shut out was guilt because if I let that out then a lot more would follow. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 It's the tip of the iceberg. If you allowed yourself to fully comprehend what you're letting happen, it would be overwhelming. You're brain is naturally protecting you from falling over the edge by denying what it doesn't want to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Solo, apparently there is no asking for words from others who are in your situation here. You'll be attacked by Bs's. I'm sorry for that. I do understand. It's difficult to deal with the fact that the person we love is tied to another. I understand your feelings. Hang in there. Solostand, I was was not trying to attack at all and I hope that you do not think that I was. Each and every person in the triangle/quadrangle has his/her unique perspective and the truth usually lies somewhere in between there. It just seems to me that you are starting to realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I know this feeling all to well, within the A you do shut ur guilty feelings off even if he has said good or bad things about her, I think it's just you trying to convince yourself that what we are doing is ok. We know it's not but when your in love/lust, whatever, you do the most bizarre things and even more so in a secret relationship. I could go months without thinking about his wife and only feeling jealous/resentful and sometimes hatred for her it was irrational but that's what As do to you. Then bam I'd see her and she'd compliment me or ask how I'm doing how's the kids etc and it would hit me hard, the guilt. Then I would see him again and I would put the guilt to the back of mind and lock the door and the resentfulness would begin all over again. Wasn't her fault at all I guess I just couldn't manage too many emotions at the one time and the easiest one to shut out was guilt because if I let that out then a lot more would follow. I had a WS say to me, for every lie I told my wife, I told myself two. The lies we tell ourselves are the hardest to see. And inflict the most damage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Solostand, Maybe I missed someone "attacking" & if you may have perceived it was me, then I'm so sorry! Hopefully you've read enough of my posts to undoubtedly that I'd not kick on when they're down.** Anyway, my post was meant to Relate & support. CIH* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 :laugh: Yeeeah. This is exactly what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts