Divorce Busting / Letting Go

[melissag]

I am confused. (What else is new?)

 

I am going back and forth between I need to move on and I need to do everything I can to get my H back.

 

Note, since the initial 24 hours after bomb drop, I have been doing 180 (other than that one er, incident that he initiated). OK, that's great for me, right? (Theoretically someday it will be great, when I am not 100% faking it.) But really, is letting him go going to get him to come back, or just let him move on with less guilt? I'm guessing the latter.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think this is the dumbest thing ever. We had problems, yes. There was some (a lot of) complacency in fixing them. He does not think that we can ever work as a married couple - he just doesn't see it. (Also, he grew up with divorce all around - his mother once, his father twice, his step mother once, his other stepmother twice, etc. - so he views it as a solution to being unhappy.) He made his decision ("it's time for me to be selfish," "I want you to be happy, but I don't want to sacrifice myself for that to happen," etc.), and he has so far only told people who will support him in that. So right now, he's thinking, "it will never work with my wife. Divorce is the answer. Time to be selfish. The kids will be fine. Everyone I have told so far thinks I am right. And I will get a cool apartment and a sweet car and a new girlfriend.

 

In the meantime, until he moves out, he hangs out with the family, we have a great time. (????)

 

I guess I don't really get why we are getting D. The only thing it can be attributed to is his failure to see that we could be happy together if we work at it. All of our issues are resolvable, and we have a great foundation (best friends before we married, still have fun together, etc.)

 

I haven't asked him about MC because it's pretty obvious he would say no. But shouldn't I ask him at some point? Just as a last ditch effort? I am having trouble with the, "OK honey, I'll give you what you want, let me help you pack" attitude, like I am helping him out the door instead of fighting for our M.

 

I do not want to go back to where we were before - it wasn't good. I want to use this as a turning point for us and basically start over and do things right. Am I just completely delusional? Or is he delusional, and as long as he is delusional, there is nothing that can be done?

 

How can you leave your wife bc you are unhappy, and say you have tried everything, even if she is willing to do anything to save the marriage? Sigh.

[Grumpybutfun]

melissag:

The only one in that relationship you can control is yourself. You have to accept that he doesn't, for whatever reason, want to be married anymore. If you do not accept it and keep expecting him to come back and want to be married, you are just furthering your hurt and pain. He wants to be single and he doesn't want you anymore. I am sorry to be harsh but until you accept this you are just going to make yourself crazy and refuse to move on with your life. Yes, you still have one. Since he is being the selfish one, it is up to you to take care of your kids. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. But, you are all they have and you need to do it.

He sounds like he has GIGs. If he refuses to work on it and has already checked out emotionally, it is over. You need to get yourself together and start thinking of a future without him. You need to start thinking about how to make yourself the best parent and role model for your children. Also, make sure you get them therapy if they are having issues and a hard time adjusting.

He does not deserve to be in your home or your bed anymore. He left and therefore he has to go. He made a decision to move on without you and now it is time you let him go and rescue yourself from becoming a doormat and a waiter. Waiting for him to come back is a waste of your time. Becoming a great mother and person is what you need to work on. Hopefully he will want to be present in your kids life. Get a job, go too the gym, get out with friends and family and remember that you are valid and a good person.

Best,

Grumps

[melissag]

Thanks, Grumpy. It's OK, I probably need someone to be harsh. I honestly have no desire to continue feeling like this - it is awful and I need to get to the next stage before I go completely insane.

 

But then I read Divorce Remedy, and it's like, you can still save your marriage even if your spouse hates you and has a voodoo doll of you beside his bed!!

 

And I think, well, my spouse wants to move out, but he doesn't have a voodoo doll of me!! (As far as I know, anyway.)

 

So, Grumps, are you saying that if my H is ever to see another perspective (doubtful), it will only be because he figured it out himself, and not because of anything I do?

 

P.S. I don't want to be a doormat. I just really don't want this to happen.

[UpwardForward]

Yes God uses people and circumstances. However imo if there is a motivating factor for him, then anything you do is in vain.

 

To give it time, is most important right now. If he wants to leave, all the pleading in the world won't help and just chase him off more.

 

He or circumstances may change as he sees you change - If he doesn't have another in his life.

 

But go along with your life, as well.

[melissag]

Thanks, UF. What makes this incredibly difficult and confusing is that his motivation truly seems to be that he wants the relief of being away from me (as he sees me as someone who hurts him), and wants to stand on his own because he feels that he lost himself in the M. I do also believe there is some GIG in there.

 

If he ran off with another woman and told me to F off, it would be much easier to convince myself to just move on.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks, Grumpy. It's OK, I probably need someone to be harsh. I honestly have no desire to continue feeling like this - it is awful and I need to get to the next stage before I go completely insane.

 

But then I read Divorce Remedy, and it's like, you can still save your marriage even if your spouse hates you and has a voodoo doll of you beside his bed!!

 

And I think, well, my spouse wants to move out, but he doesn't have a voodoo doll of me!! (As far as I know, anyway.)

 

So, Grumps, are you saying that if my H is ever to see another perspective (doubtful), it will only be because he figured it out himself, and not because of anything I do?

 

P.S. I don't want to be a doormat. I just really don't want this to happen.

 

 

Melissag:

What I am saying is that whatever he is going to do or not do is not in your control. I do know that being available, being sad and depressed, and wanting to get him back to the detriment of your pride and self-esteem is futile. No man is attracted to sadness, depression or begging. With that said, you must accept that this may be over, that the remedy may not work. If I understand the remedy book, it is about taking care of yourself and becoming an independent and happy person. The only issue I have with that is that you have to do that for yourself, not in the hopes of getting him back. Honestly, I have been married for almost twenty years and I would be heartbroken if my wife did this to me, but not because of the rejection, but because she obviously would not be the woman I married or have the character that I thought she did. Why you would want a man who is so cavalier about your hopes, dreams, future, child I have no idea. As far as I would be concerned, a man like that does not deserve a family he has abandoned. Look past your broken heart and ego and ask yourself if a man like your husband is whom you would want your child to be married to.....an abandoner who leaves for the greener grass and selfishness. I hope you would say your child deserves something better than that, and therefore so do you.

He is an ass. A complete and utter ass. No matter what you hear about men or read, know this, there are no reasons for men to behave like this except they are selfish jerks. If he had asked you to go to MC to repair the marriage or asked you to help him to figure out how to get through this hard time, then after you had exhausted every avenue of self-help and professional help, and he still felt like he needed to leave, then that would be a conscientious decision that you both could agree on. You would know you tried everything and he still felt like you aren't the right person for him. Yet, he didn't try....because he wants to be single right now to date again. That is destructive and selfish and you do not need a man like that regardless of whether or not he decides to come back or not.

Take care,

Grumps

 

p.s. Stop having a great time with him. If he still has the family unit and you, he is getting everything and you are a doormat. From now on he has decided he isn't your husband, so treat him like the abandoner he is. Get angry. Get yourself in therapy. Get fit, get busy and enjoy your life without his GIGs drama.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Yarrow]

Ok melissag, you've been posting a lot and I've read quite a few of your threads. I think you need to realize that it's over between you and him. The only thing he hasn't done yet is physically move out, but I can assure you that he has mentally moved out already and is not coming back.

 

Let's even go through what you've said in your post here -

 

He made his decision ("it's time for me to be selfish," "I want you to be happy, but I don't want to sacrifice myself for that to happen," etc.)

So he's made his decision. Despite your demonstrations and protestations of love. He's made his decision. Think about what that means. He's made his decision. He's gone and you get no say in that. The only thing you get to decide is how hard you are going to protect and support yourself. Because I guarantee he will not support you unless you make him. Much harder to get his new car and buy his new girlfriend dinners and gifts if he's paying you support.

 

The kids will be fine. Everyone I have told so far thinks I am right. And I will get a cool apartment and a sweet car and a new girlfriend. Ok, in 1 statement, he is absolving himself of any responsibility and he's looking forward to his greener pastures. He's not concerned about losing you or the kids.

 

In the meantime, until he moves out, he hangs out with the family, we have a great time. (????) OK, this one is on you. You're giving him all the benefits of having wife and family, even though he has made it clear he is not going to live up to the responsibliities of a husband and father. That's called letting him have his cake and eat it too. Find yourself a lawyer to at least to find out what your rights are and how to protect what is yours. Once you have been informed of your options, if you want to, then you can tell him that you want to give him one last chance to change his mind and lay out conditions for staying together. (E.g. You want MC, you want more emotional support, you want him to help with the kids, he has to stop flirting with women at work, whatever.) But if he leaves for his greener pastures, it's gonna get real. That means divorce, splitting of assets, whatever co-parenting arrangement is considered fair in your state, child and spousal support as considered fair in your state, fallout with the kids and extended family. No more happy family together time. No more nookie. No more of you running his errands and darning his socks. It's not an ultimatum. It's just you clarifying with him if he wants in or out. He can't have both. In my language, there is a saying for what he is doing. It's called, "trying to ride in two boats at the same time." In other words, it doesn't work. Let him know where the point of no return is. That is something YOU can set.

 

I guess I don't really get why we are getting D. The only thing it can be attributed to is his failure to see that we could be happy together if we work at it. All of our issues are resolvable, and we have a great foundation (best friends before we married, still have fun together, etc.)

Contrary to what you thought, you do not have a foundation. Look at everything he has said to you in the past month and ask yourself, "Are these the kinds of things you would say to someone you care about?" Bottom line is he doesn't really care about you.

 

I haven't asked him about MC because it's pretty obvious he would say no. But shouldn't I ask him at some point? Just as a last ditch effort? I am having trouble with the, "OK honey, I'll give you what you want, let me help you pack" attitude, like I am helping him out the door instead of fighting for our M. At this point, asking him about MC would be helpful only to confirm what you already know. If you ask him to do MC and he says no, it confirms that he was going to leave no matter what you did.

 

How can you leave your wife bc you are unhappy, and say you have tried everything, even if she is willing to do anything to save the marriage? Sigh.

He knows what he is going is wrong and selfish. He's saying he's tried everything because it helps him live with himself and sleep at night.

[Mr. Lucky]

How can you leave your wife bc you are unhappy, and say you have tried everything, even if she is willing to do anything to save the marriage? Sigh.

Not only is the answer to that question easy but you're seeing it happen right before your eyes.

 

You seem to refuse to accept any feedback except "tie him up and keep him in the basement until he comes to his senses". Except that when he escapes, you'll be in the same place you are now.

 

Repeat after me - I can only control me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

The only thing you get to decide is how hard you are going to protect and support yourself. Because I guarantee he will not support you unless you make him. Much harder to get his new car and buy his new girlfriend dinners and gifts if he's paying you support.

 

He will pay me maintenance and child support - he's already talked about numbers and we are going to come to our own agreement. I have seen a lawyer, but just to find out what my rights are. I am also a lawyer (though haven't worked in 9 years and not in domestic relations, but know what to look out for, etc.) I do believe that he won't fight me on this - his goal is to come out of this looking like a good guy, and I imagine to assuage his guilt, so he thinks that what he is doing is OK. I am not naive enough to think that he will be as excited about paying me once he has some awesome new girlfriend, so this will all be in the form of a court order. We have agreed that for the next few months, we will continue with $$ as it is now - though he is the breadwinner of the family, I have always been in charge of 99% of the finances, so I am not too worried about that.

 

Also, just to clarify, he is not planning to "abandon" his kids - he has mentioned wanting 50/50 custody at some point (though has agreed to two nights a week to begin with). Personally, I think that leaving and making them live in two different houses is still a ****ty thing to do to your kids, so I'm not letting him off the hook for that, but just wanted to clarify he's not a complete abandoner.

 

I guess the problem here is that I do take quite a bit of responsibility for the state of our marriage (well, as of 3 weeks ago). I feel like saying, "he's just an utter ass, he sucks, he is awful and a piece of s.h.i.t. is not owning up to my part in this. We have done some MC in the past (a few years ago), so it's not like he up and left without trying at all. In his mind, he has tried - well, everything. (This is inherently wrong since he is leaving when I am willing to work things out, but these are the stories people tell themselves.)

 

Thanks, guys, for the straight talk. I think I am just not there yet. I can't find it in myself to believe that he's just a complete a.s.s.hole who doesn't give a rat's a.s.s. about me. I just can't get mad enough yet. I guess I am still stuck in denial. Or maybe his whole way of walking away but doing it on the best possible terms (making sure to take care of me and the kids financially, putting the kids first, being so nice and telling me he cares about me, not badmouthing me to anyone, blah blah) is just fooling me too.

 

I guess I will see in about a week when it's time to tell the kids . . . I can't imagine that won't be a turning point for me. If I am not pissed as hell at how he is hurting them, then something is terribly wrong with me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess the problem here is that I do take quite a bit of responsibility for the state of our marriage (well, as of 3 weeks ago).

If he's truly unhappy and honestly thinks that things can't be fixed - and knows you only starting caring 3 weeks ago - why would he stay? And if he really feels that way, why would you want him to stay?

 

Do you want to be married to someone that doesn't love you and doesn't want to be there ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

If he's truly unhappy and honestly thinks that things can't be fixed - and knows you only starting caring 3 weeks ago - why would he stay? And if he really feels that way, why would you want him to stay?

 

Do you want to be married to someone that doesn't love you and doesn't want to be there ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Of course not. I want him to stay bc he wants to work things out.

 

Obviously, right now, he doesn't. But, if there is a possibility of that, no matter how small, I don't want to foreclose it.

 

I am not being whiny or desperate in front of him whatsoever, and you guys have talked me WAY out of asking him to go to MC. I am definitely trying to GAL; just not saying F U, get out, you suck.

 

I guess I am trying to let go while at the same time maximizing the odds (minuscule though they may be) of a reconciliation. Is it working very well? No. There is no sign of possible reconciliation, and I am FAR from letting go. But it's all I can do right now.

 

Thanks for the tough love. I need it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am definitely trying to GAL; just not saying F U, get out, you suck.

None of the separation strategies are built on telling your partner he's a piece of sh*t.

 

Divorce Busters says:

 

"Focus on making yourself a better person. If you’ve stopped going to church or synagogue, go back. If you’ve been wanting to take a new class, go for it. Think about some old friends you haven’t contacted in a while. Pick up the phone and connect. Go visit a family member. Watch a sunset. Read poetry. Count leaves. Play golf. Go fishing. Do something that will put you back in touch with you, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do, but because it’s important to feel centered and love yourself. You deserve it."

 

Again, it's about you. How you act and conduct yourself. What you do with your time. How you live your life going forward. Stop worrying about him and what he's going to do, it's out of your control. Starting today, you're in the Melissa business as a sole proprietor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

None of the separation strategies are built on telling your partner he's a piece of sh*t.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True. But a lot of people in RL and on this board have suggested it. Forget it, he doesn't deserve you, screw him, get mad, send his ass packing, don't be nice to him, treat him like the a.s.s. he is, lawyer up, etc. That's where my confusion lies. If I do all these things, it's like I am just going along with him and giving up too. But if I am nice to him (I know DBing is about me, but it is also about the way I treat H - kindly, no arguing, etc.), then I am a weakling and a doormat and I will never get through it.

[UpwardForward]

True. But a lot of people in RL and on this board have suggested it. Forget it, he doesn't deserve you, screw him, get mad, send his ass packing, don't be nice to him, treat him like the a.s.s. he is, lawyer up, etc. That's where my confusion lies. If I do all these things, it's like I am just going along with him and giving up too. But if I am nice to him (I know DBing is about me, but it is also about the way I treat H - kindly, no arguing, etc.), then I am a weakling and a doormat and I will never get through it.

 

Imo, I wouldn't lavish on him the same intimacy as if the two of you were of the same accord, i.e. in love and working on your marriage.

 

All you can do is realize the problems in the marriage. Let him know you would strive to improve, and in the meantime do as others have suggested and enhance your own life.

 

There's not a whole lot you can do to change his mind, if he wishes to move out.

[TrappedWanderer]

Hey Melissa,

 

I think you can put in all you can...do everything that YOU need to do...but ultimately if he wants out, well...a marriage takes two people. I don't think by you taking steps to secure yourself and your kids means you're giving up on your marriage...it just means (and shows him) that if that's how things are to proceed well, you will be the kick-ass woman that is still there, wanting to work on things, but also won't be walked all over. I really do think you can walk that line, though it is indeed a fine one.

 

I know what you're saying about others saying-he's a dirtbag/loser/unworthy not being helpful, though they mean well. You want to say-but I loved and committed myself to this person for x amount of time, how can they be that? It seems like a reflection on you. But it's not. It's him. If he is determined to leave well....maybe try going to a mediator. That's the step between counseling and lawyering up. Draw up an agreement...visitation with the kids, support, etc-it's something the mediator helps you two draw up together. That way it gives you both some time before taking the plunge, so to speak.

 

Just a thought...

[Yarrow]

Hey Melissa,

You want to say-but I loved and committed myself to this person for x amount of time, how can they be that? It seems like a reflection on you. But it's not. It's him.

 

TW! I am so proud of you! You've come so far in such a short time. Good luck with getting free. I'm thinking of you!

[melissag]

Hey Melissa,

 

I think you can put in all you can...do everything that YOU need to do...but ultimately if he wants out, well...a marriage takes two people. I don't think by you taking steps to secure yourself and your kids means you're giving up on your marriage...it just means (and shows him) that if that's how things are to proceed well, you will be the kick-ass woman that is still there, wanting to work on things, but also won't be walked all over. I really do think you can walk that line, though it is indeed a fine one.

 

I know what you're saying about others saying-he's a dirtbag/loser/unworthy not being helpful, though they mean well. You want to say-but I loved and committed myself to this person for x amount of time, how can they be that? It seems like a reflection on you. But it's not. It's him. If he is determined to leave well....maybe try going to a mediator. That's the step between counseling and lawyering up. Draw up an agreement...visitation with the kids, support, etc-it's something the mediator helps you two draw up together. That way it gives you both some time before taking the plunge, so to speak.

 

Just a thought...

 

Thanks, TW, this is a great way to look at it. It definitely is difficult to walk that fine line, though.

 

I know that others mean well and are trying to help me move on and restore my self confidence, but you hit the nail on the head. It's just too much for me to swallow to think that who he was and what we had was - what? A lie? Not real? Meaningless? Ugh.

 

We will be seeing a mediator at some point fairly soon, I imagine, to work out the details of the kids, finances, etc.

[melissag]

Thanks, LSers, for all your kind counsel and wisdom. I am sure that most of you think this is dumb, but I have decided that I am going to do my damndest to DB. Will it work to bring H around? I doubt it. But you never know. And in the meantime, at least I will know I have done everything *I* can to save our family. I just cannot accept this is over and move on. No. Not yet. I don't want to hate and be angry - H is not a bad person, just a person who thinks that D is a solution to marital problems, and a person who can't see that all of our issues are resolvable. This makes me sad, hurt and angry, but doesn't make him a terrible person. I have spent too much time being unbearably sad and just distraught in a way I never dreamed possible. The level of hurt and anguish is something that I couldn't even fathom and would not wish on my worst enemy. In IC, I am told these feelings are normal, just feel them. I am sick of feeling them. I can't handle feeling them. I need to have a plan. DBing gives me a plan. It gives me a plan that gives me the best chance (small though it may be) of turning this ship around, and better than that, it places the focus on me - how I act, how I think, what I want to become. The worst case scenario is that we do get D, and it's over forever, but at least I know I have done everything; I peeled myself up off the floor and did the best I could for myself and my kids; and I acted in a way that I can be proud of. I know we all want to let someone have it when they hurt us, but what good would that do me? I just can't see the good in it. I don't think this is me being a doormat . . . if I ever start to feel like one I will definitely step back and evaluate.

 

OK, so that's where I am. Yes, I realized 180s are for me. I won't lie - some of the motivation is hoping it will change H's mind about me. I hope that as I keep doing it, more of it will be for me than for him, and at some point, all of it will. Right now, I can only go one day at a time. When I start to think of everything ahead - all the things to split, the arrangements to be made, the shuttling of kids between two houses, the trips we have planned that I guess we will never take . . . the list goes on . . . it makes me overwhelmed with paralyzing fear, hurt, and hopelessness. I have to do one day at a time. Today, I did some things for myself, we had fun together as a family, and I have to look at the positive things - I bought some new clothes that make me feel so much better about myself,; he touched me several times on purpose (wow, this is big because normally he acts like I have leprosy or something), etc.

 

Wish me luck, please!

[UpwardForward]

What is DB?

[nbman]

UF, DB is Divore Busting..

 

Mellissag,

 

You and I are in the same place. I sometimes feel like a doormat as well, but after 15 years, I too don't want to accept that the whole marriage was a lie, mistake, or any of the other words spoken in the heat of the momemt.

 

I am with you, I will not walk away from my marriage and family until I am satisfied that I have done my best to reconcile for myself and my daugthers. If W cannot get on board, then as much as it will hurt, she can make a new life however she feels fit.. I know that I will always be able to tell my girls that Daddy did everything he could but sometimes, it just isn't meant to be...

 

Being the kind, patient, loving person you seem to be from your posts and devotion to your H and family, I know that if things don't go the way you want, there will be a line of Suiters waiting at your doorstep..

[melissag]

UF, DB is Divore Busting..

 

Mellissag,

 

You and I are in the same place. I sometimes feel like a doormat as well, but after 15 years, I too don't want to accept that the whole marriage was a lie, mistake, or any of the other words spoken in the heat of the momemt.

 

I am with you, I will not walk away from my marriage and family until I am satisfied that I have done my best to reconcile for myself and my daugthers. If W cannot get on board, then as much as it will hurt, she can make a new life however she feels fit.. I know that I will always be able to tell my girls that Daddy did everything he could but sometimes, it just isn't meant to be...

 

Being the kind, patient, loving person you seem to be from your posts and devotion to your H and family, I know that if things don't go the way you want, there will be a line of Suiters waiting at your doorstep..

 

nbman, THANK YOU. You seriously made my day with your post. I know that other people may think we are crazy or dumb or whatever, but you have to do what you feel is right, right? Like you said, maybe we will never reconcile with our spouses, but at least at the end, we will love ourselves more, and hold our heads high knowing we did the best we could.

[Yarrow]

Melissag,

 

That's fine for now. You can't go wrong with doing the 180 and reclaiming your dignity. And there's no harm in trying AS LONG AS you bear in mind 2 things.

 

1) Keep your eyes open from now on. Let yourself be guided by reality instead of wishful thinking. The temptation will be to see every little glance he throws you as a hint of progress and to ignore all the overt ways he is telling you it's over. If you do this, you will only be hurting yourself.

 

2) Don't let him string you along forever. Mentally set yourself a time limit for him to come around. I'd say 6 months is reasonable, but it's totally up to you. If he hasn't come back in that time, it's not going to happen even if you give him 5 years or 10 years or 20. Just don't leave it open ended.

 

And watch the finances like a hawk. I hope you have your own bank account. I've heard too many horror stories where the other spouse spends all the money on the OW or OM and the BS is left with nothing.

[melissag]

Melissag,

 

That's fine for now. You can't go wrong with doing the 180 and reclaiming your dignity. And there's no harm in trying AS LONG AS you bear in mind 2 things.

 

1) Keep your eyes open from now on. Let yourself be guided by reality instead of wishful thinking. The temptation will be to see every little glance he throws you as a hint of progress and to ignore all the overt ways he is telling you it's over. If you do this, you will only be hurting yourself.

 

2) Don't let him string you along forever. Mentally set yourself a time limit for him to come around. I'd say 6 months is reasonable, but it's totally up to you. If he hasn't come back in that time, it's not going to happen even if you give him 5 years or 10 years or 20. Just don't leave it open ended.

 

And watch the finances like a hawk. I hope you have your own bank account. I've heard too many horror stories where the other spouse spends all the money on the OW or OM and the BS is left with nothing.

 

Thanks, Yarrow. I won't lie and say there is no wishful thinking, but the alternative is curling up on a ball on the floor and bawling, and *still* having wishful thinking, so I'm choosing this one. I don't think that anything other than time will cure wishful thinking. I won't let him string me along forever. I'm really not a doormat kind of person. I really (usually) have a lot of self esteem and am fiesty to boot. If people treat me like crap, I don't hang out with them anymore. I imagine that at some point I will get tired of the wishful thinking, and then I will move on - but by that time, the 180s will have taken hold, I will have GAL and I will be in good shape to move on. (Where is the fingers crossed icon?) Truthfully, the thought of moving on to someone else makes me nauseous right now, but according to everyone else on earth, it can and does happen.

 

I do not have my own bank account; however, everything is held jointly and I am in charge of the finances and on top of everything, so I'm not too worried about it. But you are right; I will be watching. All of his stated good intentions about taking care of me and the kids are great right now, but I know that he may change his mind at some point when he is done trying to assuage his own guilt.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think that anything other than time will cure wishful thinking. I won't let him string me along forever.

What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to let him come around?

 

And if you found out at some point he was seeing someone else, would you switch from DB to MB?

 

And yes, I'm wishing you luck ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 24, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to let him come around?

 

And if you found out at some point he was seeing someone else, would you switch from DB to MB?

 

And yes, I'm wishing you luck ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not sure I can figure out a reasonable time to let him come around. The way I am feeling right now, that time may end the moment we tell our children.

 

I don't know about what happens if he is seeing someone else. I can't even allow myself to go there right now. I am trying to live 24 hours at a time, so I don't have any big plans or time limits or backup plans. I just have what I feel right now, for today. Tomorrow it may change. I have no idea.