brand new here...don't be too hard on me

[secretloves]

So, here's my situation. 10 months ago I decided I wanted a divorce because I was having real doubts about my husband and I and I was completely interested in someone else. The someone else was a married coworker. 2 months later I made it happen. A month later I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I'm actually a very loyal person and if I could do this (repeatedly) with another man it was confirmation for me that I was no longer in our relationship. Well, we took some time to figure things out (couple months...some stuff going on with kids...didn't want to disrupt their lives) and I finally told my husband 2 months ago that I was very serious about wanting a divorce. Hes kind of half moved out but doesn't seem to be accepting it.

 

So, there's the background on the husband. The guy on the side is a whole different thing. He and I have been having sex for 8 months now and its pretty damn good. We've actually started really getting to know each other but I can't tell at all where I stand with him. I have feelings for him but I don't know if he feels the same. Hes a very cautious guy about that stuff. I know the reason hes with me is because his wife is very not interested in sex and when it does happen its a chore and missionary only. (I trust him on this because I've had to teach him a lot!) So, how can I get him to open up and let me know his thoughts on "us" and where things lie? Do I think he'll leave her? No. They've been married 20 years, my husband and ive been together for 16 and its been pretty difficult going through it and hes seen that. Of course he tells me sometimes that he thinks about it, but I'm not that naive. Also, when we have sex, I never hear from him for at least 24 hours afyerwards, I think its guilt but I just don't know.

 

Please, give me your opinions but don't be too hard on me. Thank you.

[Archanaart]

So, here's my situation. 10 months ago I decided I wanted a divorce because I was having real doubts about my husband and I and I was completely interested in someone else. The someone else was a married coworker. 2 months later I made it happen. A month later I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I'm actually a very loyal person and if I could do this (repeatedly) with another man it was confirmation for me that I was no longer in our relationship. Well, we took some time to figure things out (couple months...some stuff going on with kids...didn't want to disrupt their lives) and I finally told my husband 2 months ago that I was very serious about wanting a divorce. Hes kind of half moved out but doesn't seem to be accepting it.

 

So, there's the background on the husband. The guy on the side is a whole different thing. He and I have been having sex for 8 months now and its pretty damn good. We've actually started really getting to know each other but I can't tell at all where I stand with him. I have feelings for him but I don't know if he feels the same. Hes a very cautious guy about that stuff. I know the reason hes with me is because his wife is very not interested in sex and when it does happen its a chore and missionary only. (I trust him on this because I've had to teach him a lot!) So, how can I get him to open up and let me know his thoughts on "us" and where things lie? Do I think he'll leave her? No. They've been married 20 years, my husband and ive been together for 16 and its been pretty difficult going through it and hes seen that. Of course he tells me sometimes that he thinks about it, but I'm not that naive. Also, when we have sex, I never hear from him for at least 24 hours afyerwards, I think its guilt but I just don't know.

 

Please, give me your opinions but don't be too hard on me. Thank you.

 

Hahahaha good one with the "I'm loyal." It doesn't seem like it from your actions.

 

Ever think that maybe he's playing dumb when it comes to sexual techniques?

 

The fact that he avoids the topic is indicating that he has no interest in having something real with you. By this I mean like a relationship or developing real feelings. He's keeping it as affair friends with benefits type. So he's got the friendship, sex with two women, and a wife to go home to. No need for anything else at this point.

[secretloves]

I would say its rather difficult for you to judge my loyalty. As for the other part, yes I can see where you're going with the playing dumb and maybe that is the case, but I find it hard to explain and well, you're not in the bed with us.

[Archanaart]

I would say its rather difficult for you to judge my loyalty. As for the other part, yes I can see where you're going with the playing dumb and maybe that is the case, but I find it hard to explain and well, you're not in the bed with us.

 

Everyone has their own definition of loyalty and what it entails. From what I have read I do not think it is loyal to cheat and sleep with a MM. I think it reduces a persons character (like reducing your loyalty) and credibility.

 

Thank god I'm not in bed with you. I wouldn't sleep with a MM, no offence. It's not my thing.

 

Btw anyone can play dumb and lie convincingly when they really want in any environment.

 

Anyways good luck with everything. Hope it turns out better than most OW situations.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Archanaart

[almond]

S

He and I have been having sex for 8 months now and its pretty damn good....but I can't tell at all where I stand with him. I have feelings for him but I don't know if he feels the same. Hes a very cautious guy about that stuff. I know the reason hes with me is because his wife is very not interested in sex and when it does happen its a chore and missionary only.

 

You entered into a messy friends with benefits situation. You say you know he is only with you because his wife is not interested in sex. You have feelings, but it appears that he does not. Eight months and he hasn't expressed that he has any feelings for you? I think you know how this is going - he likes having you on the side, and that's it. You could tell him what you've just told us, but it probably won't do much good.

 

Get out before you get hurt too badly. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage and heal, and be there for your kids. Once you're in a good place, then look at pursuing another relationship...and do it with a man that is actually emotionally available.

 

It seems like you're in for a world of hurt if you continue this - read some of the stories on here. Toxic stuff.

[RickFox]

the way I see it from what you describe you are the chocolate to his vanilla life. you're his side piece. nothing more and nothing less

[C00kie]

Hi secretloves, welcome!

 

Well, my thought is if 8 months have gone by and he hasn't expressed any kind of feelings at all, then probably he's just in it for the excitement and the sex. I sense that he feels guilt too, and it doesn't look like he's going to leave his wife at all.

 

However, it's always easy to "judge" when we don't know the people we're talking about. Nevertheless, it looks like he doesn't have real, deep love based feelings for you, or you'd know by now. In fact, I don't think you have those feelings for him either - you're both just experiencing something that makes you feel good to an extent, something that was lacking in your lives.

 

I think maybe you're in a good position to move forward, because as time goes by it gets harder.

 

All the best!

[Criticality]

Hey secretloves and welcome!

 

Its a fact that most spouses who have an affair, stay with their original spouse, and don't build a new life with the affair partner.

 

That doesn't mean that it won't happen to you, but don't expect it. Plan and live your life as if you won't.

 

As for your AP, I don't think he's lying when he says he doesn't have sex with his wife. It's a pretty classic story with people who have been married for a long time, being in a sexless marriage isn't unusual.

 

Is it just sex for him? Who knows. It could be, since he doesn't get back to you quickly afterwards. It could also be just him decompressing and adjusting.

 

It's not unusual that people develop strong feelings for their affair partner, either because its a good fit, or because of the circumstances and nature of an affair. So yes, he could feel strongly about you too.

 

But act and plan as if he doesn't. You have a divorce and kids to concentrate on.

 

You sound like you're realistic about the whole thing, good luck!

[beautiful_day]

You just need to stand back and look at the truth of the situation. Bearing in mind that they all say they don't sleep with their wives - it's in the script - if he is telling the truth, that means that your role is to replace the sex in their marriage. Doesn't that sound a bit yucky to you?

[HokeyReligions]

I would say its rather difficult for you to judge my loyalty. As for the other part, yes I can see where you're going with the playing dumb and maybe that is the case, but I find it hard to explain and well, you're not in the bed with us.

 

Oh I think its pretty easy for anyone reading your post to judge your loyalty. Or lack of loyalty. What a great example to set for your kids. Its okay to screw around with a married person. Its okay to cheat on your husband. Nothing and no one is more important than what you want. Promises, commitment, morals mean nothing. Yeah that's loyalty.

 

No he won't leave his wife. Someday she will be devastated and may leave him. That will, of course, change the dynamic of your affair if you are still together.

 

I've been married over 27 years. Even during a very dark time in our marriage I CHOSE not to cheat. I quit a job to get away from the temptation. The other person also moved across the country. I would never disrespect myself or my husband by cheating. Neither would he. And were I single I would never date an attached man.

[darkmoon]

I think that you should date others too, once you are divorced am not sure whether only being a side-piece as personal life will be terribly nice (been there) chances are you have Christmas NYE/birthdays almost alone, some side-pieces are luckier I know, certainly you can not ring the guy at home, so date others, my two cents good luck xx

[whichwayisup]

This guy doesn't want to get too involved and emotionally attached which is why you don't hear from him for 24 hours having sex. He isn't in love with you. Sure he cares and is having fun, so DO believe him when he tells you he isn't leaving his wife. He's comfortable and happy in his marriage and you provide sexual excitement that he doesn't get with his wife. DO NOT confuse that with "love" or hope he'll change everything, divorce and be with you.

 

Do continue with your divorce, set your husband free so he can find a woman who will love only him and not throw in towel so quickly. You can co parent together fairly (meaning joint custody) in two separate households. Kudos to you for at least ending your marriage. Though, with that said, I hope that you are happy enough being alone once your D goes through and is final....Meaning, be OK being alone regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do. Divorce because you'd rather be alone than spend one more minute wasted with someone you don't love.

 

Though give this some thought..Before your A started, how was your marriage? Were you happy?

[stillafool]

 

I know the reason hes with me is because his wife is very not interested in sex and when it does happen its a chore and missionary only.

 

You know why he's with you so why are you asking about his feelings? What would happen if his wife starts giving it to him again he would have no need for you. Stop being this man's side piece and think better of yourself. It's good that you are divorcing your husband because he deserves better. Right now you have to concentrate on your new life and your kids. When you are in a better place then decide to date a man who is not married. Why open yourself up for bad karma. I suspect MM feels a great deal of guilt after he's had sex with you and probably really, really loves his wife and would never leave her.

[2sure]

You decided 10 months ago to get a divorce, but didn't tell your husband until 2 months ago. You state he is half moved out but you think he may not be accepting it.

 

You were interested in someone else, And 8 months ago "made it happen". Now you can't tell if he has feelings for you or not.

 

I'm sure there is more to you than this because you're here asking questions...

But frankly, from the sound of your post it's as though it's your world, they're just living in it. Do you have trouble relating to other peoples feelings?

 

And I'm just brain storming and exploring here with you, not accusing . Sometimes with no inflection or visuals , these things come across wrong in this type of format.

[Dreamworld]

So, here's my situation. 10 months ago I decided I wanted a divorce because I was having real doubts about my husband and I and I was completely interested in someone else. The someone else was a married coworker. 2 months later I made it happen. A month later I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I'm actually a very loyal person and if I could do this (repeatedly) with another man it was confirmation for me that I was no longer in our relationship. Well, we took some time to figure things out (couple months...some stuff going on with kids...didn't want to disrupt their lives) and I finally told my husband 2 months ago that I was very serious about wanting a divorce. Hes kind of half moved out but doesn't seem to be accepting it.

 

So, there's the background on the husband. The guy on the side is a whole different thing. He and I have been having sex for 8 months now and its pretty damn good. We've actually started really getting to know each other but I can't tell at all where I stand with him. I have feelings for him but I don't know if he feels the same. Hes a very cautious guy about that stuff. I know the reason hes with me is because his wife is very not interested in sex and when it does happen its a chore and missionary only. (I trust him on this because I've had to teach him a lot!) So, how can I get him to open up and let me know his thoughts on "us" and where things lie? Do I think he'll leave her? No. They've been married 20 years, my husband and ive been together for 16 and its been pretty difficult going through it and hes seen that. Of course he tells me sometimes that he thinks about it, but I'm not that naive. Also, when we have sex, I never hear from him for at least 24 hours afyerwards, I think its guilt but I just don't know.

 

Please, give me your opinions but don't be too hard on me. Thank you.

 

First, I am really sorry about your divorce. Next, in agreement with the other replies, I think you are just a fwb for him, or to put it more crudely, a **** buddy. That's probably why he doesn't call you after sex, that's what guys interested only in booty calls usually do. It must be good for him. He's got his marriage and he's got a very trusting woman to give him more sex. Oh and I bolded the part about you teaching him because he could be lying about that so that you will provide for him more (more sex)thinking you are really fulfilling him. (Guys can be very manipulative too)

Why don't you date other available people? You are divorced now so you are available too so that makes for a much healthier relationship don't you think?