Women who cheat always blame it on their partner...

[LoveTKO]

.....why is that, and why do they get away with it by garnering support and understanding from their peers?

 

It cracks me up but it I see this a lot. If a guy cheats he is a depraved scumbag out for carnal pleasure, but when a woman cheats she blames it on not getting attention, love, support, etc.....it's the guys fault! I know this couple with the husband having had issues with infidelity. She, however, has screwed around just as much, if not more, than her husband. I confronted her about her hypocritical ways, not to mention her dysfunctional, co-dependent and warped state of mind, but she always blames her actions on her husband not showing her enough "love". Even though we're friends, I pointed out to her that she's actually a lot worse than her husband because of her occasional promiscuity and penchant for carrying on emotional affairs aside from one-off sexual encounters. When she feels neglected she resorts to using flirting and sex to quench her insatiable desire for attention.

 

I've seen this type of behavior with other women too, this idea that they have a right to cheat because "he's doing it" or "he's not supportive". Why can't men screw around and blame it on the wife for being an unconscionable ball-breaker or all around pain in the ass? Society seems to give woman a pass I guess.

[almond]

Why can't men screw around and blame it on the wife for being an unconscionable ball-breaker or all around pain in the ass? Society seems to give woman a pass I guess.

 

They can, and they do.

 

Society gives women a pass for cheating? Don't know where you're living buddy, but it certainly doesn't appear to be that way - just check out the OW forums and you'll see for yourself.

 

Drop the black and white thinking - it won't do you any favours in life.

[ChooseTruth]

I want to agree with you, but the fact is guys blame cheating on their wives all the time too. "She wasn't giving me enough" "She wasn't kinky enough" or whatever.

 

Another question might be, "Why do BSs accept blame for the WSs affair?". Again I don't think it's necessarily a gender thing.

 

I think women do however have emotional affairs more often and have more preexisting emotional needs problems that they point to in the marriage...where guys more often point to lack of sex. I think guys are a lot quicker to see their own sexual needs as selfish....but there are no absolutes. Saying "I didn't get enough sex" sounds a lot worse than "He never paid attention to me". Either way, affairs definitely aren't the solution, and it says more about the WS than the BS is an affair happens. The affair becomes the new huge problem. Trust is a pretty fundamental thing in marriage...

[dichotomy]

Always?

 

First Marriage, wife had full blown affair after many years with me. I know she blamed me, or perhaps resented our relationship and me by then, and was very cruel about it.

 

Second and current marriage, was kind of complicated EA (wont try to explain here) that she has never in anyway blamed me at all...and I know it was not - it had nothing to do with me.

 

 

So women always blame the husband? Not always. At least in my life.

 

But to your point kind of - I have read some articles that indicate that statistically women feel less guilt or blame, stating "it takes more" for them to cheat then men and therefore they feel more "justified" or less ashamed when they get to the point of cheating.

[Got it]

I don't think all do. There were things I was not happy about in the marriage and I did cheat. I don't blame him for it. I own that I cheated completely on my own and that he didn't deserve me cheating. I did separate immediately and we divorced amicably. But I never thought he deserved being cheated on.

 

For my MM/husband, his wife cheated and she and her family blamed him for working too much. And he was blamed for his affair as well.

[Steadfast]

Men and women generalize, there's no getting around it. It's often hard to make any kind of point without doing that, but the advice will reflect that.

 

Generally speaking. =)

 

It's pretty safe to say the genetic makeup is different for each, but making assumptions is risky. For example; my ex would take my acts of kindness as manipulation, while my GF is more of a face value kind of person.

 

A good rule is; take care of your own business. I stopped worrying about my ex-wife's faults when I realized more positives could be accomplished dealing with my own. That doesn't mean I stopped being aware, it meant I was powerless to change anything but what lived in my own basket. Lesson learned.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Steadfast

[hotpotato]

. Why can't men screw around and blame it on the wife for being an unconscionable ball-breaker or all around pain in the ass? Society seems to give woman a pass I guess.

 

But some guys do, dont they?

[LoveTKO]

But some guys do, dont they?

 

Absolutely! But when it comes down to women cheating it seems that the recurring narrative often revolves around what the husband was or wasn't doing throughout the relationship. Guys on the other hand are dogs and think with their unit...I get. They're more primitive and visceral, like cavemen. And like a previous poster mentioned, since women often cheat in order to meet their emotional needs, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the dynamics of the relationship - women after all care about the nest and they would never compromise the family unit at the behest of some flattery and wild sex ; )

 

I'm just getting a bit tired of being the soundboard for friends (female) who want to air their dirty laundry, flirt, sex, or tell me about their dalliances with different men.

[TigerCub]

A lot of men that cheat don't blame their BW (not to her face), instead they blame the OW (even in the cases where the 'OW' didn't even know he was married) and luckily for them, the BW gladly believes that.

 

Point is, at the end of the day, most cheaters ending up placing blame, and it's rarely on themselves. Not at first. Maybe the ones that actually take the time to look inward and really evaluate what got them to the position, find the truth and admit it, but at first, it's always someone else's fault.

[Brunettie]

Guys do that too...

[Got it]

Absolutely! But when it comes down to women cheating it seems that the recurring narrative often revolves around what the husband was or wasn't doing throughout the relationship. Guys on the other hand are dogs and think with their unit...I get. They're more primitive and visceral, like cavemen. And like a previous poster mentioned, since women often cheat in order to meet their emotional needs, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the dynamics of the relationship - women after all care about the nest and they would never compromise the family unit at the behest of some flattery and wild sex ; )

 

I'm just getting a bit tired of being the soundboard for friends (female) who want to air their dirty laundry, flirt, sex, or tell me about their dalliances with different men.

 

Then it sounds like you need to get better boundaries so you aren't acting as if you want, need, care, or desire to have women be this frank with you. Sounds like an area you can work on as well so you have people at proper lengths and aren't being so presumptuous. I wouldn't think to share that level of information with someone I didn't think was a close, personal friend or therapist.

[Keenly]

My ex was trying to tell me that it was my fault that she was banging 3 other guys 2 years into our relationship because " we started dating when she was 17 and I didn't take her out enough "

 

 

I love that logic. Some how the victims fault.

[carhill]

Women who cheat always blame it on their partner...

 

I've interacted with a lot of MW's in my life and would opine it's a mixed bag. Some do, some don't.

.....why is that, and why do they get away with it by garnering support and understanding from their peers?

 

Why? Different for each person but, having had a taste of EA myself, I'd say it's often difficult to hold a mirror up to one's own words and actions and much easier to project responsibility outward upon others.

 

Why do they 'get away with it'? Women are socialized to be effective communicators and networkers and some are expert at it, and swaying public opinion. They're very good at what they do. The best of them are generally popular socially and well-liked, and the latter is crucial to manipulating social opinion.

[LoveTKO]

My ex was trying to tell me that it was my fault that she was banging 3 other guys 2 years into our relationship because " we started dating when she was 17 and I didn't take her out enough "

 

 

I love that logic. Some how the victims fault.

 

 

Ouch! Sorry to hear that. Seventeen is a bit young though for serious dating and making a life long commitment if you take into consideration that about half of marriages fail--and that's not taking into account murder, suicides, and spouses who go crazy and end up on psychotropic drugs--while the other half that stays married make each other miserable by fighting like Arabs vs. Jews. ....until death do them part.

[StandingO]

It is human nature to justify our actions. To take full responsibility for ones decisions, personal situations, lack of happiness etc it is easier to blame another. Having said that it usually takes two, at least to some degree. What brings a couple to this point can be very complicated but sex or lack of is the final expression. It is the sex life that cuts the hole in the once floating boat.

 

I know a super women who is very sexual and her husband is not. Their marriage to the outsider would think is wonderful. It was only a matter of time before the marriage would come to an end. I knew this for years. Yes, she speaks mostly of him being the reason. His lack of sex drive. On the other hand he did little or nothing to try to improve their sex life.

 

Better she was open in the beginning and left the marriage but he would have taken her back. She finally decided to leave.

 

Yes, she does blame him but blames herself too for not having the guts to leave years ago. In a nut shell she loves him and loved the comfortable life he provided. So in a way I give her some credit for finally being willing to overcome her fears.

[Kofybean]

Maybe you should include an example to help you cause?

 

Off the top of my head I think of former CIA director David Petraeus, or former CA governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

They got dragged through the coals for cheating, but no one ever brings up that the women they cheated with where married too. Apparently the slighted wife was more a victim then the slighted husband.

 

I tend to think society doesn't believe women can be morally guilty.

I mean in the Schwarzenegger case, the women lied to her husband making him believe he was the father of the baby.

 

No one really blinks an eye at that.

 

.....why is that, and why do they get away with it by garnering support and understanding from their peers?

 

It cracks me up but it I see this a lot. If a guy cheats he is a depraved scumbag out for carnal pleasure, but when a woman cheats she blames it on not getting attention, love, support, etc.....it's the guys fault! I know this couple with the husband having had issues with infidelity. She, however, has screwed around just as much, if not more, than her husband. I confronted her about her hypocritical ways, not to mention her dysfunctional, co-dependent and warped state of mind, but she always blames her actions on her husband not showing her enough "love". Even though we're friends, I pointed out to her that she's actually a lot worse than her husband because of her occasional promiscuity and penchant for carrying on emotional affairs aside from one-off sexual encounters. When she feels neglected she resorts to using flirting and sex to quench her insatiable desire for attention.

 

I've seen this type of behavior with other women too, this idea that they have a right to cheat because "he's doing it" or "he's not supportive". Why can't men screw around and blame it on the wife for being an unconscionable ball-breaker or all around pain in the ass? Society seems to give woman a pass I guess.

[LoveTKO]

 

I tend to think society doesn't believe women can be morally guilty.

I mean in the Schwarzenegger case, the women lied to her husband making him believe he was the father of the baby.

No one really blinks an eye at that.

 

 

That's because women are ultimately looking for a provider since single women with kids aren't that desirable in the market place. She's not going to jeopardize her meal ticket and child support by telling the truth - it's an innate quality that women have. Moreover, she was probably looking to secure additional some future income by tricking Arnold into getting her pregnant.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

The reality is there is so much more going on than just the affair. It's about broken people.

 

I never blamed my husband for my affair. That was totally on me. He was always questioning what he had done wrong - still does - and the answer is he did nothing wrong. It was my issue, my brokenness, my lack of boundaries that allowed me to fall for another man.

 

Now interestingly enough when my husband had his own affair not even quite two years later even though he blamed himself he also blamed me because i was still dealing with the aftermath of my affair and he was lonely and not getting the attention he wanted (sex). So i was blamed for his affair.

 

As far as petraeus,,schwartznagger, the Kennedy's, etc., I think men in positions like that can misuse their power. But on the other hand, the women involved can be seeking something as well.

 

Affairs are very messy - no one wins - all are to blame and everyone is a victim in the aftermath.

[ConstantVoyager]

The media focused on the two men in the cited cases because they were the famous ones. It wasn't because society thinks women can't be morally bankrupt.

[MissBee]

Many men who cheat blame it on their partner too...just read the OW/OM board and how many stories of OW saying their MM says this that and the third about his wife and she doesn't love him, understand him, sleep with him, etc.

 

It seems like many people who cheat displace blame on to their partners for it. I don't see it as something women in particular do.

[LoveTKO]

Many men who cheat blame it on their partner too...just read the OW/OM board and how many stories of OW saying their MM says this that and the third about his wife and she doesn't love him, understand him, sleep with him, etc.

 

It seems like many people who cheat displace blame on to their partners for it. I don't see it as something women in particular do.

 

 

I agree with you 100%, but the point I was trying to make is that society in general seems to be more sympathetic towards women who cheat, or so it seems. Their rationale and excuses are accepted more often since they can pull out the victim card (raising the family with no support, husband is distant), Men who cheat are usually relegated to "horny and and keep it in his pants" status, but a woman's motives for cheating can be justified.

[Got it]

One can flip it easily and say that men are expected to cheat, men weren't evolved to be monogamous, their wives weren't obviously doing what they should have, what do you expect, etc.

 

It wasn't until the last few decades where there was actually a very negative light shone on men and cheating. Prior to that it was frowned upon but it was "boys being boys". Even just the idea of a "bachelor party" one last hurrah.

 

There has been a much greater stigma on women and their sexuality than what men have had. We are a little more towards equal rights in this area now than we have ever been.