Will she ever come back to me?

[BraylensDad]

just looking for some opinions. i'm close to giving up, but deep down i really don't want to...

 

my wife and i have been together for 4 years, married for 3. she was 19 when we met, I was 30. she is now 22, I am 33.

 

when we first met, i liked her but wasn't super interested. she was head over heels for me, which i enjoyed, so i let her move in with me only after dating a couple weeks. i was good to her most of the time, but sometimes i was mean. i called her stupid and a bitch sometimes. she did it to me too, but not as often. we still had a lot of good times...

 

after being together about 6 months, she got pregnant. she didn't have insurance and i did. we felt like we loved each other and promised that we would stay together forever and always work things out... so we got married.

 

during the first year, i guess i was probably still a little bit verbally abusive to her when we argued, but she got mean sometimes too. we argued once in a while, but i don't think we argued a lot. i think we were happy a lot and in love.

 

after being married for a year, we got into a normal-size fight and she went to her friends with the baby for the day. later that day she calls me and says, "its ok if you say No, but can you watch Braylen (our son) tonight so i can go out with the girls?" I have trust issues for some reason, and I was a little worried about her going out after a fight, so I politely said No. She got really mad and we got into a big argument. I told her if she goes, we are getting a divorce. She said that she is going anyway... so I went and picked up our son. We texted a lot while she was out that night, and we were arguing through texts the entire time. Actually, I texted her a lot and she texted me once or twice an hour, sometimes not hearing from her for 2 hours at a time... at the end of the night (around 2:30am), she stopped texting. She showed up at home at 5am that night. The next day, she said that she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was sorry for acting that way and that I didn't want to get a divorce. She still said she wanted to leave, and for the next 3 days I begged her to stay and told her I would not be jealous anymore... finally, she agreed.

 

For the next 3 months, I tried to be as good to her as I could be. We didn't argue much and I was more affectionate, like she wanted me to be. During that time, her friend (one of the girls she was with that night), asked to use our computer to upload the pictures on her phone to a CD. One day, I was being nosey (a fault of mine that she hates) and skimming through the pictures a little... i found some pictures from the night that she went out. In one of them, she is in a car on a guy's lap, and the guy has her hand on her boob. I asked her about the picture, and she lied about it. She even got her friend to lie about it. A couple days later, her friend was just talking about that night and said something that didn't go along with the story my wife had told me. I waited til her friend left then asked her about it. She got all confused and started contradicting herself. Eventually, she admitted that she cheated on me the night she went out.

 

I told her I wanted a divorce. For the next 3 days, she begged me to stay and told me that if we could get through this we could get through anything. She promised that if I forgave her, we would be together forever. So, I decided to stay.

 

For the next 2 years, I though things were going pretty good. We argued once in a while, not a lot. We bought a house and were raising our son together. I have a Bachelors Degree in Computer Science, so when we met, I had a great job. Unfortunately, a got into trouble with the law and put on probation. That made it impossible for me to use my degree. With 3 days left on my probation, she and I went out to a bar and could not get a ride home. For the first time since college, I drove drunk and got pulled over and arrested. So, for another year, I couldn't use my degree.

 

I worked $10 - $12/hour jobs and started my own eBay business to make money for us. In January, I thought the eBay business was going great, so I tried to do that full-time from home. It went well at first, but around June we started having trouble paying the bills. We discussed the problem and decided that one of us needed to get a job, but we needed to keep the eBay business going. I told her that I would work and wanted to work. She said that she didn't want to do the eBay business, but she wanted me to keep doing it. So, she wanted to get a job.

 

So, about 4 months ago, she began a job selling Kirby Vacuums. She worked about 80 hours a week, leaving the house around 9am and getting home anywhere between 11pm and 2am, 6 days a week with only Sundays off. they had to travel outside of the area to sell the vacuums, and I picked her up from work at 2am several times so I don't think she is lying about what time she got off. Although, she definitely could be. Our son was 2.5 at the time, and I was working from home, so I watched him the entire time she worked. She worked purely on commission and sometimes she only made 100 or 200/week for the first 3 or 4 weeks. She told me about how she smoked weed and drank while she was at work all the time, and how people quit and new people came in every week. She also said that she loved this job very much and was very good at it. Of course, I hated the job. I asked her to quit and find another job. She refused and we fought about this daily for weeks. I told her that if she didn't quit, I was going to divorce her. She said that she wasn't quitting. I bugged her about it every day, about how much I hated the job. One day, I was being nosey again, and I looked through her cell phone. I saw a text she sent to a girlfriend about a guy she works with every day. Her friend said that she liked him, and my wife replied that he was cute and that she wouldn't "stand in the way". A couple texts later, she has one text that just reads, "BIG DICK lol". The sent messages from that day had already been deleted earlier, so I don't know what the text was about. When I asked her about it, she got very mad about me going through her phone. She said that she was just joking around and it was nothing. I should have left it alone but I logged onto her Facebook and started looking around. A couple days later, I saw where she was talking/texting to a guy friend that she went to school with. He lives very far away, but she sent him a picture of herself topless. This made me mad but when I confronted her, she was just as mad that I got onto her Facebook. We got into a big argument and she said that we were getting a divorce.

 

The next day, and every day since, I have begged her to stay. I moved out of the house about 6 weeks ago. I wanted to stay and told her I had nowhere to go. She agreed to let me stay, but I texted her and wrote her every day about how much I loved her and didn't want to get a divorce. I begged her to stay. She hated it and said I was bugging her to death. She blocked me and asked me to leave her alone. She stopped coming home at night and was not interested in talking to me. When we tried to talk, we argued. Eventually, she made me leave. She told me our son wasn't mine and it was some other guy's baby. She told me the other guy's name and everything. She put a restraining order on me, and we didn't speak for 2 weeks.

 

Only a week after leaving me, she posted on Facebook that she was in a relationship with another guy.

 

Then, we went to court. I have never hit her or cheated on her, and I am a very good father. Her request for a restraining order was denied. The judge suggested that we set up some type of visitation agreement verbally. We met and came up with a schedule for when I get our son. I work 7 days/week, so I get him about 4 days/week, during the day.

 

About 2 weeks ago, her new boyfriend stole a bunch of her money. It was all she had for bills, food, etc. that week, so she asked me for help. She started being a lot nicer to me, and I loaned her money and bought a few things for free. I asked her to come back to me and she said no. Then, I began texting her and begging her again.

 

Here's where it gets kinda weird (in my opinion). When we break up, she starts working at a "sex shop"... where they sell sex toys, lingerie, dvds, etc. It wasn't paying the bills, and just a week or 2 ago, she began working at a strip club. She says that she is not stripping, only a waitress, but she is allowed to give private dances. She has a new boyfriend and seems to be pretty happy. She works a lot and late hours, so now I only get to see my son a couple times a week.

 

When I left, I had no money, a 3 day/week minimum wage job and had been depending on eBay. The eBay business was over and I had to stay with friends & family for a few weeks. I saved enough money to get an apartment, which I live in now, but I don't have a car. Because of that, she has to bring our son to me and pick him up. I have finally saved enough to get a car and am purchasing one on Thursday.

 

Often, she wants to go places together, all 3 of us. Shopping, Chuck E. Cheese, etc. This makes it really hard to get over her. I have tried to stop texting her and begging her to take me back, but it's hard. I miss her so much and want to make things right. I didn't appreciate her, and I really wish that I would have treated her better. I believe I drove her to cheat the first time, and arguing about her new job so much made her fall out of love with me.

 

As you can see, I made a lot of big mistakes. I know that if I got another chance with her, I would appreciate her completely and work hard to make her happy. I am even willing to let her date other guys, as long as she stays with me. The divorce is not final yet, but although she is nice to me at times, she wants to be over as soon as possible. She says that she has no feelings for me anymore at all.

 

I know that I messed up, but I don't think I messed up enough to deserve to be divorced. More importantly, I think that I at least deserve a second chance to a better husband. She says that it is too late. Is it too late?

 

I doubt my begging will ever bring her back, but knowing that she is out there with other guys and being pulled further and further away from me makes me want to try to get her back as soon as possible.

 

I am starting to believe that I will never get her back. I have always had hope that she would realize that we don't have to get divorced, that it's better for our son to at least try to stay together, that she loves me. I am losing hope. She doesn't even text me back anymore unless she wants to borrow money or bring her food.

 

I have never really committed to any woman in the past. I never cried over another girl, I never cared that much about any girl. I feel like I can't live without my wife. I felt like she wasn't good enough for me in the beginning, that I "settled", now I am the one who worships her and begs to give me another chance.

 

will she ever come back?

 

.....if you read all of this, thank you. i doubt anybody will, but it was amazingly therapeutic for me.

[melissag]

BD, did you read what you just wrote?

 

This relationship sounds just plain toxic. I have no idea why you would want it back. And when you say, "I'm even willing to let her date other guys," it is pretty obvious that you are not thinking straight. Would you really be OK with a wife who cheats on you, lies to you, cares nothing about your feelings, threatens to divorce you every other day, gives other men private dances, and (the worst, IMO) tells you your son isn't even yours?? Why would you be willing to be disrespected this way?

 

I know you are hurting, but you are mourning something that doesn't exist. It sounds like you have never really had a good relationship together. Yes, you made mistakes too, so learn from them so you can do better for your next relationship. Are you going to IC? It might do you a lot of good.

 

I hope that you have done paternity testing for your son, so that she doesn't try to keep you from him in the future by saying he's not yours. Honestly, she sounds immature at best, and just plain crazy at worst.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but honestly it sounds like you will see at some point in the future that she really is doing you a favor.

[hayewils]

let me tell you..

my first marriage was to a 19 yr old. I was 25.. I did a lot of running around, playing the field, careless and crazy in those days. One morning I woke up and started thinking how I felt it was time for me to start settling down, find a good relationship, think about my future with someone. well the someone who I was with sounds like your wife..

It was poisonous relationship. My ex wound up screwing around with a guy who was 20 yrs older than her, she started going out late with a girlfriend. She and I fought quite often. we had three babies at home..

She decided she wanted to go to cosmetology school, got her set up, then she quit about 3 weeks into it. then she decided she wanted to sale mary kay make up, then it was some other kind of makeup.. this just went on and on.

 

Bottom line, I came to the conclusion that she was to young to be married and I still stand by that today. I believe there are a lot of people who haven't had the opportunity to play in life and learn to grow up. 19 is young, my daughter will be 19 next month and I will be damned if im gonna sit on my ass and let her get married. I preach to my kids how they need to learn to take care of themselves, grow up.. its just way to early for marriage these days.

 

for you, I think you also need to get a little fire under yourself and have a little more drive and ambition for what you want in life. you sound as if you also need some time to think. life is tough and it wait for no one and it damn sure isn't fair. we have to work and fight to make the life we want for ourselves.

 

When I finally got divorced from that psycho, I found that I wasn't really ever in love with her. I just grew used to her being around. when we met, I liked her but I wasn't totally drawn to her. she was just someone to have fun with. then babies started showing up.

 

After the divorce, I started having fun again. worked a lot.. took trips, flew all over the country, met some really good gals. but all I was doing was living my life for myself and I was happy to be out of that toxic relationship.

you will get there too. you need to be strong for you child and for yourself.

She needs to go and learn to grow up cause she aint there yet..

[hayewils]

it also sounds to me that you are beating yourself up way way to much for piss poor choices your wife is making.. Strip clubs, selling sex toys??

Hell no, she is off in la la land.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

Strip club waitress, but still being allowed to give private dances. That is just effing wrong for a relationship

[Mr. Lucky]

my wife and i have been together for 4 years, married for 3. she was 19 when we met, I was 30. she is now 22, I am 33.

 

when we first met, i liked her but wasn't super interested. she was head over heels for me, which i enjoyed, so i let her move in with me only after dating a couple weeks. i was good to her most of the time, but sometimes i was mean. i called her stupid and a bitch sometimes. she did it to me too, but not as often. we still had a lot of good times...

 

after being together about 6 months, she got pregnant. she didn't have insurance and i did. we felt like we loved each other and promised that we would stay together forever and always work things out... so we got married.

So you're 11 years older than her, weren't in love with her and married her because she was pregnant and needed insurance ???

 

I can't imagine why it didn't work out. Have you had a paternity test?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mid-divorce]

I've been through this 3 times, please help yourself n walk away