If the (Dumper) stays in the picture, will a rebound relationship fail?

[landangel]

For the sake of this discussion were are assuming the position/perspective of the (Dumper). More specifically a person in a relationship that was loved and wanted but walked away because they did not reciporicate those feelings. With that perspective in mind I have read on this forum that if the Dumper stays in the picture while their ex (Dumpee) is in a rebound relationship it provides them the comfort that they are still there and accessable to them and that ultimatly the rebound relationship will flourish because the Dumpee knows that the dumper is available and therefore has no reason to leave the rebound.

 

Conversely I have also heard that cutting all ties will make the Dumpee miss the dumper more and will ultimately allow the rebound relationship to run its course and fail after which point the Dumpee realizes how much more they miss the dumper. My thought is that if the dumper cuts all ties that the dumpee will forget and move on, but that also may depend on the strength of the rebound relationship the Dumpee is in.

 

A friend told me that if (The Dumper) is the person that the Dumpee origianlly loved and wanted and was the one who walked away from the relationship, that as long as that dumper remains in the picture they will always be number one in the dumpee's mind (the one that got away or the challenge) and that will make their rebound (the person they settled for) less attractive. Ultimately the Dumpers presence will stunt the growth of that rebound relationship and increase its chances of failure.

 

Taking this same premise, what if the dumper was still involved "sexually" with the Dumpee while the Dumpee was in a new (rebound) relationship? Would this cause the Dumpee to invest less in that new relationship and make it more likely to fail, or would it provide the Dumpee with the level of support they need to make an eventual transition into the new relationship fully?

 

I know some people will say, "IF YOU ARE THE DUMPER WHY DO YOU CARE?" Or "WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT THE DUMPEE".... Let me say beforehand that those questions are irrelevant to this thread and do NOT need to be asked or discussed. This is simply a scenario and I am curious to hear what people thoughts are on which of the above is the more likely to occur given the circumstances. Thoughts?

[Kizmet Fisher]

There's not really a solution that will work for every situation, but I think for the most part that its a bad idea for the dumper to be anywhere near the dumpee when they are in a rebound relationship. The dumpee will never fully invest in the new relationship when the dumper is in the picture. If anything, it will probably make the dumpee's new relationship less about trying to move on and more about trying to make the dumper jealous and regretful.

 

And if the dumpee was still involved sexually with the dumper? Overgeneralising here, but no way in hell would the dumpee move on. The attachment to their dumper would be way too strong, and the dumpee of a relationship who is involved in a FWB relationship with their dumper is almost always trying to use the sex as a way to worm their way back into the dumper's affections.

[landangel]

There's not really a solution that will work for every situation, but I think for the most part that its a bad idea for the dumper to be anywhere near the dumpee when they are in a rebound relationship. The dumpee will never fully invest in the new relationship when the dumper is in the picture. If anything, it will probably make the dumpee's new relationship less about trying to move on and more about trying to make the dumper jealous and regretful.

 

And if the dumpee was still involved sexually with the dumper? Overgeneralising here, but no way in hell would the dumpee move on. The attachment to their dumper would be way too strong, and the dumpee of a relationship who is involved in a FWB relationship with their dumper is almost always trying to use the sex as a way to worm their way back into the dumper's affections.

 

 

So you would disagree that it is more likely that the dumpee would use the dumpers affections (sexual and otherwise) as a crutch to make a gradual transition into their new relationship without all the hurt that comes from being totally cut off by their dumper?

[landangel]

Let me also ask do you think in the original scenario do you think it is the dumpees goal to get their dumper back and ditch the rebound?

 

What do you think it says about the "Dumpees" new relationship if they are still contacting, and still aggressively trying to be sexual with the dumper? Is that a serious relationship at all?

 

What does that say about the dumpees feelings for the dumper... May sound like an obvious question but I am curious about other opinions?

[Kizmet Fisher]

That is correct. There would be no transition. They would be using those affections as justifications for why the relationship isn't really over, that the BU is temporary. Honestly I think the dumpee needs the hurt and pain that comes with being completely cut off, sure it will hurt in the short term and they'll cry a bunch, but in time it will give them the distance from it all to realise it wasn't meant to be.

 

They will not get over it with the dumper around, and honestly it's narcissistic of the dumper to think the dumpee needs them. They definitely don't, what they need is to get over it so they can find someone who reciprocates their affections. The dumpee will almost certainly plead that they need their dumper, but that's because they are trying to salvage their relationship. It is not because it will help them move on, no matter what the dumpee says. At this point they will say anything to try and keep the dumper.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Let me also ask do you think in the original scenario do you think it is the dumpees goal to get their dumper back and ditch the rebound?

 

What do you think it says about the "Dumpees" new relationship if they are still contacting, and still aggressively trying to be sexual with the dumper? Is that a serious relationship at all?

 

What does that say about the dumpees feelings for the dumper... May sound like an obvious question but I am curious about other opinions?

 

It's fine, I'm kind of the perfect person to ask. I had this exact situation happen to me (I was the dumpee) with my first love. We were together 2 years and I only moved on truly three years after the BU. It was horrible. If he had given me 6 months NC I would have gone through all the feelings and gotten over it.

 

Dumpees won't think about it as ditching the new person, they don't think much about them at all really, they are more of a ploy to help them get the dumper back by making them jealous OR to keep them company while the dumper comes to their senses.

 

It says about the new relationship that it isn't the dumpees priority (their ex is) and that they chose this person probably because they thought they were safe (wouldn't hurt them or break up with them).

 

It says about the dumpees feelings for the dumper that they think it is some romantic comedy-like situation in which they play the character who is overlooked by their true love until the end of the film when the other person finally realises they love them back and makes some huge romantic gesture. Cue music and happily ever after.

[landangel]

I'm am sorry, but what is "BU" ?

[Kizmet Fisher]

I'm am sorry, but what is "BU" ?

 

That would be a break up.

[landangel]

So essentially what you are saying is that if the dumpee is actively pursuing affection from the dumper, and the dumper is obliging their advances, they are both colluding to sabotage the rebound relation ship?

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but if the dumpee is sleeping with the dumper (who is still not comitted to them) and is getting both sexual and emotional validation from the dumper, what incentive would the dumpee have to ever leave that rebound relationship (which is safe) if the dumper refuses to commit?

 

Under what set of circumstances with this dynamic at play, does the rebound relationship fail? Will the dumpee leave it or will it just fizzle by virtue of the dumpers presence?

[landangel]

Is it a safe assumption that if the dumpee us initiating contact, invitations, and sexual intimacy from their dumper that the relationship they are in is definitively a "rebound"?

 

Furthermore if the dumper gave in and had sex with the dumpee would this make the dumpee pursue sexual intimacy even more frequently?

[Kizmet Fisher]

So essentially what you are saying is that if the dumpee is actively pursuing affection from the dumper, and the dumper is obliging their advances, they are both colluding to sabotage the rebound relation ship?

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but if the dumpee is sleeping with the dumper (who is still not comitted to them) and is getting both sexual and emotional validation from the dumper, what incentive would the dumpee have to ever leave that rebound relationship (which is safe) if the dumper refuses to commit?

 

Under what set of circumstances with this dynamic at play, does the rebound relationship fail? Will the dumpee leave it or will it just fizzle by virtue of the dumpers presence?

 

Yes. It is ensuring the dumpee isn't moving on, so their new relationship would be sabotaged by default.

 

They would leave the relationship if the dumper intentionally or accidentally gives a breadcrumb that they might be ready to get back together. Any slight allusion would do.

 

It fails when the dumpee believes misguidedly that they might have a shot of getting back together now. Or when the other person gets sick of being cheated on and used, and leaves.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Is it a safe assumption that if the dumpee us initiating contact, invitations, and sexual intimacy from their dumper that the relationship they are in is definitively a "rebound"?

 

Furthermore if the dumper gave in and had sex with the dumpee would this make the dumpee pursue sexual intimacy even more frequently?

 

Yes! If they are doing those things, it is evident they still are in love with the dumper and are only using the rebound person to pass the time or to make their ex jealous.

 

And yes! They would think the way to the dumper's heart is through sex so they'd be all up over that whenever they could.

[landangel]

Gosh Kizmet, you seem very confident and concise in your answers. Dare I say it sounds like you have lived this?

 

I honestly thought based on some other forums that I read that if an ex stays in the picture it means the other ex is using them for temporary validation to help them over the "heartbreak hump". Of course those post were referring to the dumper being in the rebound and using the dumpee for temporary validation. This scenario is the opposite. But what you said makes sense.

 

Regarding the sexual aspect, would you say the dumpee is seeking sex from the dumper because they are not getting sexual satisfaction from their new partner, or because they just miss it from the dumper?

[Kizmet Fisher]

I have lived this, and I've had a few friends (guys and girls) go through the same thing.

 

As for the sexual aspect, its mainly to do with the dumpee trying to manipulate the dumper back into a relationship with them via sex. So in answer to your question, neither. it's not to do with sexual satisfaction because otherwise they wouldn't be seeking out other interactions with their ex. And it's not to do with missing it from the ex, it's more general than that. They just miss the ex. And think sex will bring them closer. Sex is not the end goal here.

[landangel]

So the dumpee is using sex as form of currency to barter with the dumper. That makes more sense when you say it like that.

 

Ok, so here's is a curve ball. Lets say the dumpee invites the dumper over and tries to have sex with them, but the dumper refuses and say something like "slow down there". Does this turn the dumpee off, or discourage them from trying? Or, does it make them try harder now that they know the dumper will accept an invitation?

[Kizmet Fisher]

Yes, exactly. Sex as bartering chip.

 

You need to keep in mind that dumpees are not rational creatures. If they still love the dumper they will twist anything the dumper says to mean they want to be with them someday. If the dumper (you right ) says they want to take things slow, the dumpee could interpret that as wanting to take things slow (like in a relationship) and that it's not just sex. You never know. A desperate mind uses anything to try and prove things are how they want them to be.

[landangel]

Actually the Dumpees reaction was rather brash to the rejection. So upon retrospect I am curious to see what happens when the dumper does follow through and sleeps with the dumpee.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Actually the Dumpees reaction was rather brash to the rejection. So upon retrospect I am curious to see what happens when the dumper does follow through and sleeps with the dumpee.

 

It's simple really. The dumpee gets their hopes up. Like, way up. Sky high up.

[landangel]

Is that true even when the dumpee is in another relationship? I assume its a rebound or at the very least unimportant if they are trying to sleep with the dumper right?

[Kizmet Fisher]

Is that true even when the dumpee is in another relationship? I assume its a rebound or at the very least unimportant if they are trying to sleep with the dumper right?

 

Like I said, when the dumpee acts like that toward their dumper, what it means for their current (rebound) relationship is that for them it is either to make you (the dumper) jealous or to pass the time til you get back together.

[Am4Real]

Why are there comments on a fictitious circumstance (confused)...

 

Is there a real scenario we should be reading and commenting on?

[landangel]

This post was written from a "general" perspective so as to keeps its responses subjective to the individual respondent. Had I written it from the perspective of a specific person then the responses become focused on that person rather than the scenario itself. The details surrounding the scenario have been written into it already. Is there a specific part of this scenario you are curious about that might help you respond? I prefer to keep it as general as possible and just focused on the facts provided in the OP.

Edited October 20, 2013 by landangel

[Am4Real]

I didn't know your intentions -- you clarified. Thanks.

[landangel]

Like I said, when the dumpee acts like that toward their dumper, what it means for their current (rebound) relationship is that for them it is either to make you (the dumper) jealous or to pass the time til you get back together.

 

Kizmet, let me ask you this. If in the instance we've been talking about the dumper denies the dumpee sex would that turn the Dumpee off and stop them from trying, or would it make them try harder to get that sexual intimacy from the dumper?

[landangel]

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