Should I reconcile with my ex, or just move on?

[Conners]

Hey

 

I need some advice on what to do with my ex. We had been dating since January this year and he was the first person I had been with since I broke up with another boyfriend 6-7 months earlier. Honestly I thought I had been in love before but this relationship made me realise I hadn't, because I have never loved someone so much.

 

There has been complications from the beginning, firstly I am 22 and he is 20. We met when i was 17 and he was 15 when we worked at a fast food joint. We were friends and he liked me but he seemed way too young then. I didn't see him for a couple of years up until January & that's when we started dating.

 

The age difference has been a bit hard, I find it weird to date someone younger and people seem to judge it. Hell, I was with someone 8 years older than me and everyone seemed to judge less. Also I became aware that he was smoking pot, and his habit seemed to increase more and more, up to the point where he was having up to 7 bongs a night. He became lazy, and kinda stupid. I tried not to say anything because I hate being a control freak and I like to give off the impression things don't bug me when infact they do. So i just let it slide for a while.

 

Up until 2 months ago, we had never had a fight. We were out clubbing in a group and I bumped into an old friend (a guy) and had a chat to him, then I went off to the toilet and to get a drink or something I dont know i was a bit out of it and my bf msged me saying oi where are you? and then another text "**** u! i cant trust u" and ended up having an argument there. Then a couple of weeks later I snapped at him and said I'm sick of you smoking weed all the time, its almost like you put it before me, its all you care about. I actually made him cry and he said he would quit so I wouldn't dump him. He lasted about 3 days before he snapped and said he couldn't do it. I broke up with him then.

 

This happened a few weeks ago. He called me the next day to see if I was allright since we were both really emotional the night before, I felt a better after speaking to him. We both said we didn't want it over but its probably for the better. We kept texting and calling all that week. more than we did when we were together.. a week and a half later we were on the phone late and I said i hate sleeping by myself lately. He said thats it i cant take it im coming over to see you. we talked and cuddled and went to sleep. (no sex) a few days later he did the same. Then on Thursday night he came over again and we ended up having sex. probably a bad idea. I know hes stopped smoking weed most days now, he said he's willing to do anything to try and make it work again. I just don't think he's ever going to give it up for good, I know him too well. His whole family is addicted so it's always around.

 

I want to try the NC for a while, I feel like i haven't had the chance to grieve properly and try move on, I keep thinking of the reasons why we broke up and it just does my head in, then again I love him so much I feel like i'm being weak and letting him off to easily. I constantly check my phone to see if he's messaged me and check fb to see if hes online

[Am4Real]

You guys are pretty young and trying to survive in what sounds like a challenging and painful relationship.

 

Perhaps it's time to explore your youth (it's gone before you know it) and see other people.

 

What do you think about such possibility?

[Mariposa10]

Take it from someone who dated a functional pot smoker for a long time. He won't be able to quit, especially if he is around it all the time. I had the same problems you had, we couldn't do anything because he would always pass out. I don't smoke at all, so it was really hard for me. The only difference here is that your ex is really young, and the guy I was dating was already an adult in his 30's. He always tried to stop smoking for me, but it doesn't work that way. They have to do it because they want to. Otherwise they'll start to resent you.

 

 

My advice is to either accept the addiction and be ok with it or forget this relationship.

[Conners]

So i spoke to him today & he said he was feeling really down since I told him i'm not interested in getting back together if hes going to continue smoking. He said he would rather lose weed than me and cried on the phone, im so scared to go back to him because i'm like 80% sure he's going to start smoking again after a while. What should i do? I feel so lost

[Am4Real]

Okay, so now what?

 

I'm sure many of those that have dealt with relationships involving substance abuse will tell you of hearing many such promises as well. Sometimes the promises are upheld for a few days, weeks or months and then reneged. It's a huge gamble for you -- one with the odds stacked high against you.

 

What does your gut tell you?

 

 

So i spoke to him today & he said he was feeling really down since I told him i'm not interested in getting back together if hes going to continue smoking. He said he would rather lose weed than me and cried on the phone, im so scared to go back to him because i'm like 80% sure he's going to start smoking again after a while. What should i do? I feel so lost

[Mariposa10]

So i spoke to him today & he said he was feeling really down since I told him i'm not interested in getting back together if hes going to continue smoking. He said he would rather lose weed than me and cried on the phone, im so scared to go back to him because i'm like 80% sure he's going to start smoking again after a while. What should i do? I feel so lost

 

The guy I dated once said the same thing. He promised me and his mother he would stop. He was so excited, he talked about how he would start meditating to deal with stress, blah, blah. As you can imagine, he couldn't do it. I knew he was not gonna be able to do it because he was always around it, all of his friends smoke.

 

So we came up with this AMAZING plan... that he would not smoke whenever we would hang out. I don't smoke AT ALL. I didn't have a problem with people smoking, but this guy traumatized me because thanks to his addiction we couldn't do anything. Anyway, back to not smoking whenever we would hang out, it didn't work either, it worked for months, but then he started getting resentful, or he would smoke and try to hide it yeah right... He started talking about how I was "controlling him" trying to "change him."

 

He's not gonna stop, at least not right now that he's depressed and he's around it all the time.

 

So you either accept it or leave it...

[Conners]

The guy I dated once said the same thing. He promised me and his mother he would stop. He was so excited, he talked about how he would start meditating to deal with stress, blah, blah. As you can imagine, he couldn't do it. I knew he was not gonna be able to do it because he was always around it, all of his friends smoke.

 

So we came up with this AMAZING plan... that he would not smoke whenever we would hang out. I don't smoke AT ALL. I didn't have a problem with people smoking, but this guy traumatized me because thanks to his addiction we couldn't do anything. Anyway, back to not smoking whenever we would hang out, it didn't work either, it worked for months, but then he started getting resentful, or he would smoke and try to hide it yeah right... He started talking about how I was "controlling him" trying to "change him."

 

He's not gonna stop, at least not right now that he's depressed and he's around it all the time.

 

So you either accept it or leave it...

 

Mariposa, it sounds like you've dealt with exactly what I'm dealing with. He's now in week 3 of not smoking and also seems "excited" about the fact hes gone so long without it. It's naive of me to say this but these past few weeks he has worked pretty hard to try and show me things are going to change, he knows i'm going to leave him for good if he goes back to smoking weed. The thing is, it's not that i don't like people smoking, it's just the way it made him because he was doing it so much. Maybe in a few months I would be fine with him occasionally smoking but not fulltime. We also talked about not smoking around me but I knew that would make him just not want to see me.. so just didn't even bother with that. I know he's happier at work because he's not as tired and his boss said he's really picking up his speed and becoming a good apprentice.

 

We spent the weekend together and he said "I hope this means you're going to take me back" and I kinda just avoided the statement all together, I think I will take him back. I'll most likely be on here in a couple of months in a wreck because it didn't work out though..

[Mariposa10]

Mariposa, it sounds like you've dealt with exactly what I'm dealing with. He's now in week 3 of not smoking and also seems "excited" about the fact hes gone so long without it. It's naive of me to say this but these past few weeks he has worked pretty hard to try and show me things are going to change, he knows i'm going to leave him for good if he goes back to smoking weed. The thing is, it's not that i don't like people smoking, it's just the way it made him because he was doing it so much. Maybe in a few months I would be fine with him occasionally smoking but not fulltime. We also talked about not smoking around me but I knew that would make him just not want to see me.. so just didn't even bother with that. I know he's happier at work because he's not as tired and his boss said he's really picking up his speed and becoming a good apprentice.

 

We spent the weekend together and he said "I hope this means you're going to take me back" and I kinda just avoided the statement all together, I think I will take him back. I'll most likely be on here in a couple of months in a wreck because it didn't work out though..

 

I know what you're going through exactly. I used to feel like you, I didn't have a problem with people smoking but thanks to him, I was traumatized. Now, I'm not as traumatized, thank goodness.

 

I don't think they smoke as much as they do just because they want to, I think people like this have bigger problems. I know my ex had depression problems. I know he loved smoking, but he was addicted to it.

 

My advice is to not give ultimatums which you already did, kind of...

 

Try to make sure he knows that smoking that much affects HIS LIFE because after the honeymoon period between you two are going through right now fades he's gonna start smoking more and more.

 

You have no idea all the negotiating I did with my ex. First I didn't say anything, but then we couldn't do anything because all he wanted to do was smoke. After that, we agreed he would not smoke the day we would hang out. After that, we agreed that he would only smoke whenever he really "needed it." To make things short he started smoking again, but a different thing that didn't make him as high... During all that, some of his friends would tell him I was controlling him, blah blah, blah, he started believing that, which in a way is kind of true. He started resenting me, saying I didn't love him for who he was, blah, blah. It was a horrible situation. Whenever we would hang out with his friends (rarely), his friends would start smoking and he'd be like "I can't because I'm with my girlfriend" I hated it that. Those comments would only create fights. You can picture all that I'm sure.

 

My point is that I hope this guy can be one of those guys who are ok smoking during the weekends or something like that, not every single day every single chance they get. I never really said to my ex, "if you don't stop smoking we'll break up." I did tell him, I could never get married with someone like that, and he always said that he would never choose smoking over me. I know he tried really hard, but he couldn't stop.

 

Do all his friends smoke?

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Edited October 28, 2013 by Mariposa10

[Conners]

Mariposa10, I had no choice but to make him choose between weed or me, he's the one who wanted me back and I wasn't going to lay over for him and let him go back to the way he was.

 

It's not that all his friends smoke, it's his family.. He lives with his mum and two younger sisters and his mum brought them up allowing them to smoke pot and I guess kinda introduced it to them.. shes a wonderful woman but I always think in the back of my mind, it was a really irresponsible thing to do with your kids, considering his sisters are still in school too. His best friend doesn't smoke but will have a bong maybe once a month sometimes. He's also really encouraging him to stay off it and said he's suprised and proud of him. His other best friend whos always around does it sometimes too but quit when my boyfriend did.. they are kinda sheep. So the only people doing it everyday is his mum and 2 sisters. Even when his older brother came for a visit he told my boyfrirend that he realised smoking pot was a waste of time and he had quit.

 

I know its very difficult for him, especially if he's around people who are high all the time..but I believe he can quit for now. He already quit regular smoking for me about 6 months ago. I had not even said anything about it, he just said he could tell I hated it because of my face when he went to kiss me sometimes haha. So I know he has the will power to do it Thanks for all your advice, I will keep you posted!

[Conners]

So we are back together and decided to try and work through things over the past month, defintley some up's and downs but we have come out a lot stronger as a result. He hasn't touched weed for over a month now and he keeps thanking me for making him realize what weed was doing to him and keeps telling me how much happier he is in himself, how much he loves me blah blah.

 

I can't help but constantly worry in the back of my head that he's going to fall right back into it. I really don't want to get hurt again. For example today we went to the movies and he suggested we get stoned before we go because it's something we did a few times a long time ago and i was like are you serious???! & he said "calm down, was just joking" but I actually don't think he was joking. i wish i could stop worrying.. is a month off the stuff long enough to prove he's in it for the long haul?

[Am4Real]

There is no time period (in most cases), once addicted by chemical or habbit it is almost always an ongoing battle to stay in control of desires and impulses.

 

And I seriously doubt he was joking about getting "high" before the movie. If such a thing caused a break up with you two -- where is the humor in making fun of such a topic?

 

I feel you're playing with fire my dear and you shall be burned once again.

 

He stands a better chance of losing you permanently, learning what it is to lose something or everything you care about (i.e. hitting rock bottom) and never making the same mistake or letting the addiction or habit control one's self rather than trying to make amends.

 

But we'll see won't we....

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

So we are back together and decided to try and work through things over the past month, defintley some up's and downs but we have come out a lot stronger as a result. He hasn't touched weed for over a month now and he keeps thanking me for making him realize what weed was doing to him and keeps telling me how much happier he is in himself, how much he loves me blah blah.

 

I can't help but constantly worry in the back of my head that he's going to fall right back into it. I really don't want to get hurt again. For example today we went to the movies and he suggested we get stoned before we go because it's something we did a few times a long time ago and i was like are you serious???! & he said "calm down, was just joking" but I actually don't think he was joking. i wish i could stop worrying.. is a month off the stuff long enough to prove he's in it for the long haul?

[Conners]

There is no time period (in most cases), once addicted by chemical or habbit it is almost always an ongoing battle to stay in control of desires and impulses.

 

And I seriously doubt he was joking about getting "high" before the movie. If such a thing caused a break up with you two -- where is the humor in making fun of such a topic?

 

I feel you're playing with fire my dear and you shall be burned once again.

 

He stands a better chance of losing you permanently, learning what it is to lose something or everything you care about (i.e. hitting rock bottom) and never making the same mistake or letting the addiction or habit control one's self rather than trying to make amends.

 

But we'll see won't we....

 

Good luck!

 

I feel like i'm playing with fire too but I really do love him and don't want to give up just yet. My friends always tell me I have better options out there but I can't imagine myself wanting to be with anyone else ever. Like when we broke up for a few weeks I went on one date to try and take my mind off things, the guy was so nice, sweet, cute and everything I should want in a boyfriend and I felt bad for declining a second date. Love is a whole new feeling to me haha.