Maybe I'm Just Incurably Flawed?

[art_deco]

My most recent relationship completely deteriorated last night. I posted about it here and the responses were very supportive.

 

Considering that my girlfriend frequently criticized who I am and my personality it had me wondering if there isn't some sort of defect I'm not aware of?

 

I'm a successful, fit, motivated thirty-year old man. At work I'm thought of highly by my peers and supervisors and people frequently stop by to chat, bounce ideas off me, or ask my opinion.

 

Unfortunately that is where my interactions with others stop. After work I return home alone to be alone. My phone doesn't ring, I'm not invited to anything. When I reach out to others they are always too busy, can't make it, or a few days later apologize for not replying saying they had something else they were doing.

 

I enjoy all the "normal" things. I love movies and TV shows, listen to all sorts of music including top 40. I follow almost all professional sports. I work with a lot of charities and volunteer for a lot of social activities.

 

I'm confident in my opinions but not demeaning to those I disagree with. I consciously try to foster a discussion rather than a debate. I try to make people smile whenever I can and offer my help when called upon.

 

I've never really had a successful, long-term friendship. I'd categorize them all as acquaintances. A few guys that I get together with for a period of time, have a few beers and laugh with who disappear just as quickly. Most people prefer to limit their interaction with me to Facebook, if at all. I definitely put myself out there, as is so often urged. I travel and go to all sorts of local events. I make a point to interact with strangers in an attempt to meet new people.

 

Sadly, it all seems for naught. This feeling has been nagging at me for some time and it seems to be growing. I'm beginning to feel I'm just genetic junk. I have a sharp mind for what I do for a living and nothing else. My only value is to my employer and no one person feels I will in any way enrich their life. I go to lunch alone, eat out alone, watch movies alone, and each day come home to an empty house. I used to want to believe I just wasn't finding the right people; now I firmly believe that the problem is with me.

 

I've read up on how depression can distort your view of yourself and the world. I don't think I'm depressed and I've spoken to a therapist who didn't think I was, either. When I do go out I'm smiling and happy, interacting and joking with other people so it's not as if I'm sitting in a corner watching everything unfold around me.

 

I'm not sure if I'm asking for help or if there even is help for me. I seem to be a repugnant human being to others despite being polite, smiling, and cheerful. I want to have a wide circle of friends. I want to do the things I enjoy with a group of people who really care about me. I want to enjoy a lasting, fulfilling relationship with a wonderful woman who loves and cares about me and treats me with respect.

 

Sadly, I just don't think I'm meant to. Thanks for reading.

[HokeyReligions]

You are no more flawed than the rest of us. Friendships are difficult at any age but the older we get the harder it is to develope deeper connections. Some people will be alone. That's something I'm facing too. I've tried to make friends but I gave concluded that I simply no longer want to put in the effort. It takes too long. I do have my husband, who h as friends but is dying. When he goes I will be alone too.

 

But he's still making new friends and cultivating old ones. He asks his buds to movies or out for lunch. Offers places to go that might appeal to a s hared interest. One bud likes model trains. Another likes the same business seminars. I'm not involved and will s tay out of the way. They might not be super close but if something happened to me he could call on them for emotional support.

 

I just can't commit to a friendship like that even tho I would like to have close friends. I cared for everyone in the family and most are gone. Now I'm too tired and set in my ways to change. If you have reached that point I would suggest reevaluating your priorities and energy. Make the changes you are realistically willing and able to make.

 

Good luck.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Despite the fact that I moved across the country recently, I have close friends in my new area.

 

However, I'm very outgoing, have charm and charisma, and have pretty polarizing views on life (meaning that some people HATE me....but others agree and really like me). I think these three attributes are the reason I develop friendships wherever I go. I'm very honest about things and myself too, which also helps. People have called me many things IRL...."fake" is not one of them.

 

Overall, OP, the US is NOT a good place for relationships (or any kind). It's a very individualist culture. Most people simply do not care about each other and care more about their image, which is why just being honest about things can endear yourself to so many people.

 

But good, real people are out there. You just have to put yourself out there first.

 

Have you looked into Meetup groups?

[Klane1984]

I find myself having similar concerns. I haven't often had lasting friendships with people, either. I will become friends with people and interact with them, some of them turning into really good friends, but ultimately we just lose touch over time.

 

It can definitely be disheartening. I often find I have something "wrong" with me too when I am in relationships. My relationships with a partner don't ever seem to last either. If they do, it's often not a healthy relationship.

 

As hard as it may be, I encourage you not to get discouraged. There are so many people out there, many that will have similar interests as you. It just takes time to find the right people you want to be around.