SerCay Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 It's as if my partner is trying to drive me insane, but he's not doing it on purpose, it's like he can't help himself. In the past I was convinced that he was doing it on purpose, but since he started therapy and started taking anti depressants, I'm convinced that he just can't help himself because he's not ok at the moment..he's suffering from PTSS... I really feel bad for him, but I just don't understand why he has to take everything out on me? We've been together for 3 years, and have been through a lot, aaa lotttt... on and off, and back and forth. But in the end we're still together. I try to be more understanding of his behaviours because of his PTSS, I try to accept that his behaviours towards me are because of this. I just snap at him..Afterwards I feel bad because I think he can't help himself, I feel sorry for his PTSS... I really don't know how to react any more...to accept everything and just to stay calm, WHATEVER happens? Maybe you readers can give me some advice, and some directions if it's really bad I'm snapping at him like this...or if his PTSS shouldn't be an excuse for him to behave this way? Here's what happened yesterday: We were supposed to go out to dinner and a movie in the evening, he asked me if we could stay in and eat at home, because he was tired and he wanted to watch a football game later on as well... Me, the new tolerant me, I said, okay honey, lets eat from 6 till 8, then you go watch your game (it starts at 8, he wanted to watch it at his friends') We start cooking, and all of a sudden he is reminded to something that happened 5 months ago: He had bought 6 cans of soda, and when he wasnt at my place for a week, I had drank them all, when he came to my place again a week later, he got VERY upset with me for finishing them without replacing them, and saying I'm egoistic because I didn't leave any soda for him...so I promised him then, I will tell him in the future when something is finished. Case Closed. Until yesterday, when we're cooking... I made some juice in the morning and he said he'd drink it in the evening because he had to leave. So I drank it and I thought, I will make him fresh juice when he comes back tonight. So when we were cooking he asked for the juice, I said, I'll make you some now, cause I drank it, I wanted it to be fresh for you, and he got VERY VERY upset. He started yelling at me and cursing because Im only thinking of myself, and I should leave somethings thats HIS for HIM, and otherwise I should just shut up and make the juice,, and its all like the same thing months ago blablabla..he just went on and on and on....I just stood and cried, as I try not to engage in his provocations anymore, since he has PTSS and I'm trying to be considerate... Anyway, he cools down, comes to me for make up sex, its a quicky, he comes and we're done. Then after dinner, he goes to bed to take a nap, I start studying, as I have exams next week. He wakes up, does the dinner dishes comes back and we start watching a tv shw together. Then he wants a BJ. I give him one, I like to pleasure him. When Im done, I ask him, soo...can you make me c*m? He says, no, I'm still bothered by the cans of soda, by the fact that you're only thinking of yourself. And I even did the dishes and I do groceries for you, you don't do anything for me. So I just now realised that I'm not wanting to make you c*m, because uncinsciously, I'm punishing you. So I say...okay, so now it's consciously, you do it on purpose, so you can change your behaviour of getting back at me in this way :S right? He says no...because you still dont understand how selfish you are. He turns around, and goes to sleep. I snapped....I snapped so bad, I told him to go away, to go to home. And take the groceries he did for me with him, since he's always complaining about the groceries he does for me. I blocked him on every number and on IM. I'm so so pissed everyone...I just can't get my mind to it. But then I feel guilty again because I think no...he has issues...he can't help himself..But you see,....I dont KNOW if he cant help himself...or if he's just being an *******... I had even agreed to do a threesome FOR HIM as I dont really feel for it, with another guy, because thats one of his fantasies just a week ago, and we would do it next week, he knows I only agreed to do it for him..I dont know, it seems weird that he calls me selfish on every ocassion...... its all such a mess... ow wow REALLY long I see...sorry for that,,just need your two cents, i might go crazy soon Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Toxic. So toxic. How do either of you two put up with each other? Do you actually like each other? I don't even know where to begin this all sounds so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 Toxic. So toxic. How do either of you two put up with each other? Do you actually like each other? I don't even know where to begin this all sounds so bad. We do...but he has these traits as I wrote above,...and I just cant stay calm to his episodes anymore:( Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 He has issues, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being mistreated nor do you have to be manipulated. Funny how he wasn't mad when you were getting him off. End the madness. Soda? Really?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) He has issues, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being mistreated nor do you have to be manipulated. Funny how he wasn't mad when you were getting him off. End the madness. Soda? Really?? Of course he's not mad when he gets a quickie and then a blowie. But when it comes time for her satisfaction, he's all 'nope nope nope'. What a manipulative piece of work. Again OP - why do you put up with this bull****? The withholding of gratification for you is such a power play. And you fell for it. And don't let him use whatever he suffers from as an excuse to maltreat you. I say go NC on his ass for a while. But this is so toxic it's not even funny. He sounds like he needs some IC and you might, too. Edited October 21, 2013 by deathandtaxes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Well it's unfortunate he has these issues but their his issues, not yours. Is he doing anything to work on these issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 He has issues, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being mistreated nor do you have to be manipulated. Funny how he wasn't mad when you were getting him off. End the madness. Soda? Really?? Yeah...he thinks the soda resembles my selfishness, he says im selfish in general Of course he's not mad when he gets a quickie and then a blowie. But when it comes time for her satisfaction, he's all 'nope nope nope'. What a manipulative piece of work. Again OP - why do you put up with this bull****? The withholding of gratification for you is such a power play. And you fell for it. And don't let him use whatever he suffers from as an excuse to maltreat you. I say go NC on his ass for a while. But this is so toxic it's not even funny. He sounds like he needs some IC and you might, too. yes thats why I snapped and threw him out.. Well it's unfortunate he has these issues but their his issues, not yours. Is he doing anything to work on these issues? he's currently on anti depressants and anxiety surpressors, and also seeing a shrink.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I don't know what PTSS has to do with any of his behaviors towards you. Having a mental illness is not an excuse for mistreating a love one. Since he thinks he's right, you can't really wait for him to change by being nice to him. You have to show him that you won't accept his behaviors and part of showing him that is by leaving him when he does these things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 I don't know what PTSS has to do with any of his behaviors towards you. Having a mental illness is not an excuse for mistreating a love one. Since he thinks he's right, you can't really wait for him to change by being nice to him. You have to show him that you won't accept his behaviors and part of showing him that is by leaving him when he does these things. yes...thats why I snap every time and then I tell him to leave...Afterwards i feel guilty because it's just so stupid to react in the same way every time the same thing happens..I wonder why I just dont have the calmth to communicate in a normal way that I dont like what he's doing.. It takes me nowhere to throw a tantrum and kick him out of my house every time he does something I dont like, I should be strong and either talk to him and tell him my boundaries or just leave him with determination... its been so long and im so used to him i just hope that either it will all be ok one day or I will find the strength somewhere to leave Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Mental illness is not an easy thing to deal with. The truth is, it really doesn't matter if he can't help it or not. What matters is, is this the kind of life YOU want? Do you want a relationship like this? My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, and it stems from being raped as a young child. It is not her fault that she was victimized and it resulted in her issues. It's very sad circumstances. But does that mean I have to allow myself to be yelled at, accused, manipulated? No. Does that mean I take my kids around her, not knowing when the next drama or suicide threat will be? No. I choose to distance myself from her because it's not good FOR ME. I love her from afar. Getting too close to her is toxic for me because it's just too much drama. If you were married or had kids, it would be worth it to try. But three years of on & off, back & forth? Why put yourself through this? He may not be capable of being the partner you need. I think you should move on from him. You don't have to live like this. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to accept this. If you stay with him, you will be walking on eggshells, waiting for next big drama, wondering what's going to set him off next. You will have to alter your behavior in order to keep the peace- and that's not romantic love. That's more of a caretaker kind of love. It's managing him instead of loving him. That's not fair to you. Is this what you envisioned for your life? Edited October 22, 2013 by Quiet Storm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 He says, no, I'm still bothered by the cans of soda This phrase is plenty for me. If someone's going to be bothered by anything to do with soda more than about 5 minutes after any "soda event" happens, that's not the guy for me. It sounds like there's so much baggage and unpleasantness in your relationship, so many bad feelings, that it will be hard to fix, and it doesn't necessarily sound like it's worth trying. Do you want to? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sfd'swife Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 It's good that your boyfriend is getting help -- he sounds like he definitely needs it. This is not a healthy relationship for a number of reasons. He's definitely using guilt and manipulation to get what he wants. He's trying to make you feel that everything is all your fault---it's not! And please don't do things he wants and you don't (a three way) just because he wants them! You need to get out of this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Anyway, he cools down, comes to me for make up sex, its a quicky, he comes and we're done. Then after dinner, he goes to bed to take a nap, I start studying, as I have exams next week. He wakes up, does the dinner dishes comes back and we start watching a tv shw together. Then he wants a BJ. I give him one, I like to pleasure him. When Im done, I ask him, soo...can you make me c*m? He says, no, I'm still bothered by the cans of soda I'm sure there is a fine dividing line between suffering from PTSS/PTSD and just being a regular inconsiderate jerk, but where exactly is it? Wait no... Actually both the soda crap and the "**** you... Nice BJ and all, but nah, I'm not going to do anything for you" part both go beyond jerk and into ***hole category. Sounds like you doing your part to deal with it, while he has the attitude that: "Hey I dont need to do anything at all? I got PTSD, ok?" Maybe you should ask his psychiatrist whether all of this is really just PTSD or just regular selfishness/jerktitude. I had even agreed to do a threesome Then again, maybe things will solve themselves in an alternative way. I just came from a thread where the OP talked his wife into a threesome, and she ended up with the threesome guy. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad case here... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Move today! Absolutely No reason to be any where near his brand of toxic! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Toxic. So toxic. How do either of you two put up with each other? Yes... Lord only knows how he manages to be around a woman that not only drinks his soda, gives him BJs when he wants to, and wants to make him fresh juice when she drank the last. Poor guy... Poor tortured soul. Hopefully some day he'll find the courage to stand up to all of OPs c**k sucking, juice drinking abuse, and find a good woman that treats him right! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Move today! Absolutely No reason to be any where near his brand of toxic! He usually calls ME toxic!....He says I'm toxic because I'm stressing him out:confused: Yes... Lord only knows how he manages to be around a woman that not only drinks his soda, gives him BJs when he wants to, and wants to make him fresh juice when she drank the last. Poor guy... Poor tortured soul. Hopefully some day he'll find the courage to stand up to all of OPs c**k sucking, juice drinking abuse, and find a good woman that treats him right! hahahahahahah Critically thanks for making me laugh this is so funny! And so true...its so silly its been three years and I have not once been able to see my whole situation from an oustiders perspective...I think I'm close though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 This phrase is plenty for me. If someone's going to be bothered by anything to do with soda more than about 5 minutes after any "soda event" happens, that's not the guy for me. It sounds like there's so much baggage and unpleasantness in your relationship, so many bad feelings, that it will be hard to fix, and it doesn't necessarily sound like it's worth trying. Do you want to? Yes, I wouldnt be bothered and Ive told him this often :S but he is.. He says he links it to selfishness and to the fact that everytime he brings something we both like, its finished when he comes after a couple days. It's not like he's living with me though :S he comes by every couple days or sometimes even once a week..he has a car, I dont, so I cant lie that it IS somewhat convenient to me to eat and drink the things he brings, but COME ONNNN people, is this really something to make an issue of :S IF you know you have a car and I dont, you are free all day to do groceries and cook whatever you like and Im running from school to work to find time inbetween...wouldnt you be happy to help :S And really guys, Im NOT selfish, I have put up with a lotttt from him and FOR him, I have done a lot for him, if he asks me something, I never say no... and I also never find it necesary to remind him of the fact that i did something for him, as I think it comes naturally in a relationship..you help each other out, in whatever department the other one is lacking .. so I just dont get it why he gets so angry in the food department.. It may be linked to money..because he spends the money to get it, but whenever I ask him, he says no it has to do with your selfishness...go figure right? Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Now granted, I only play a therapist on the Internet... But this is the first time I hear about PTSD causing anybody over 11 to throw a hissy fit over six... cans... of.... soda... And keep stewing about it for hours, until he can finally get back by refusing his girlfriends completely reasonable and fairly hot request. What is this PTSD about? And are you absolutely sure he didn't just slip a shrink a hundred bucks to have the worlds best get out of jail free card? How old are you guys btw? I really don't want to read all 300 of your posts Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Now granted, I only play a therapist on the Internet... But this is the first time I hear about PTSD causing anybody over 11 to throw a hissy fit over six... cans... of.... soda... And keep stewing about it for hours, until he can finally get back by refusing his girlfriends completely reasonable and fairly hot request. What is this PTSD about? And are you absolutely sure he didn't just slip a shrink a hundred bucks to have the worlds best get out of jail free card? How old are you guys btw? I really don't want to read all 300 of your posts No no no, he has severe ptsd, cant sleep in his own house, terrible night terrors, anxiety attacks, its bad...I wont go into details of what has happened but it is bad. He is on medication currently. Its just that I feel guilty for being angry with him for stupid things he does, because his PTSD is always in the back of my head..the fact that his life is ruined because of all the above mentioned keeps bugging me when I get angry, even though Im right... Just took me long to realize that even people with mental illnesses are accountable for their OWN actions, and I dont have to accept his a**hole behaviour. We're 26 and 28. And yeah.. dont even start on all my posts hahaha it'll take you long Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Yeah I stayed with an ex for so long because I keep making excuses for his behavior since he was traumatically abuse by his parents. However, that does not mean that I should have to put up with his bs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I can understand putting up with an otherwise great partner who suffers from a mental disorder but does their darndest best to work on things and keep themselves from hurting others. This guy... does not sound like a glowing example of that. At all. What is GOOD about him that you put up with this, SerCay? I can understand his PTSD manifesting by him going quiet and saying, "I'm sorry, I'm in an awful mood now - I'll go home and I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" Can't excuse what he did to you, especially the BJ manipulation ****. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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