When trust is gone

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

BackStory Link added by Moderation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427067-forced-dumper#post5243005

 

 

Hi everyone, I've been seeing a guy since last November. Recently someone reached out to me stating that she had been seeing him and there may be others. I confronted him, and he denied everything as I knew he would.

 

Finally, I decided to talk to her, and the stories she had, along with specific conversations she said she had with him, matched what he had said to me almost exactly. After talking to her, I believe her.

 

There have been red flags all along and my friends have cautioned me about him. I just didn't want to see it. He had bought us concert tickets for sweetest day last night, and I decided to go ahead and go. We had sex, and this morning I confronted him. I feel weak and not sure why I had sex with him, but I just love him so much.

 

Is this a relationship I should stick with or is should I walk away? Can a relationship be rebuilt after trust is gone?

Edited October 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[reddragon588]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Or if it happens once, should I try to forgive? I really love him, although he's not super affectionate.

 

He apparantely talked to her for about 6 months and dated her for 4 of those. All while with me too.

[LuvsTrucks2]

Once the trust is broken, very rarely can you regain it back. Even if you think you have forgiven and moved passed it, you will always question things. You said there were red flags, pay attention to them they are waving for a reason.

[reddragon588]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Or if it happens once, should I try to forgive? I really love him, although he's not super affectionate.

 

He apparantely talked to her for about 6 months and dated her for 4 of those. All while with me too.

 

That's awful. I could never trust someone after that. Why would you want to?

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

I'm not sure why. I really do love him. And when I ended it this morning he really did seem distraught. He literally won't stop calling and texting me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep saying no.

 

I know that she says she has left him. I hope that's true.

[Minneloa]

I'm not sure why. I really do love him. And when I ended it this morning he really did seem distraught. He literally won't stop calling and texting me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep saying no.

 

I know that she says she has left him. I hope that's true.

 

I understand that you love him, but he has fundamentally violated your trust. If I am recalling correctly from your last thread, he repeatedly denied that he was cheating. So he's only remorseful becuase he got caught. A liar and a cheater: don't you deserve more than that in a relationship?

 

Also, if you take him back aren't you showing him that you will tolerate cheating? Seems like a dangerous precedent to set.

[KatZee]

Is this a relationship I should stick with or is should I walk away? Can a relationship be rebuilt after trust is gone?

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Are you actually serious?

 

Your entire relationship has been a lie. Wrap your head around that one first.

Everything you thought you had? You don't. Whatever kind of guy you had hoped he was/thought he was? He's not.

 

You've had red flags since day 1, your friends warned you, and now you have hard proof he's dating other people, and here's something to think about too--- having sex with as well.

 

And you are actually considering STAYING with him?

 

You might as well go ahead and tattoo "doormat" right on your forehead if you do stay. And don't expect any change from him either.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thanks so much for the advice. I really do appreciate it. He really is very good at convincing me that it's not true and that I'm the only one for him.

 

Although I really do believe the girl, she says she has facebook messages I could see between the two of them for proof. On the phone yesterday I told her I didn't want to see them. Now I mind of do. Do you think it would be weird to now call her back and ask to see him?

 

I didn't get out of my car. I wish I would have. I assumed it was his soon to be ex wife. When I asked him about it, he let me assume it was her. Turns out, it was the girl he was cheating with. He didn't necessarily lie, but he didn't correct my wrong assumption.

[secret admirer]

What is going to stop him from lying to you again? More than a half of your relationship was shared with another person and you had no idea. It's a rough reality, but the longer you stay in a relationship not knowing what is really happening, the more emotional damage you're going to receive figuring out the truth behind a thing you have with this guy.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

That should say she confronted him at a sporting event this year, and I didn't get out of the car.

[Minneloa]

I know you are struggling, OP, but try to think of this situation as if your sister or best friend were going through it. Would you want them to take back a known liar and cheater? Probably not. So why are you considering doing so? Can you see how it gives him tacit permission to cheat again? After all, he didn't confess the affair and beg for forgiveness; he got busted. This means he isn't remorseful and had no problem continuing with the other woman as long as you remained in the dark. THAT is a serious character flaw!

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thanks Minneloa. I appreciate it and I'm trying to view this objectively. What though, if this is his one mistake? I kind of feel like he is the one, and I want to believe what he says. What if I let him go too prematurely?

 

Does anyone have any insight on whether I should ask to see the messages?

[reddragon588]

Thanks Minneloa. I appreciate it and I'm trying to view this objectively. What though, if this is his one mistake? I kind of feel like he is the one, and I want to believe what he says. What if I let him go too prematurely?

 

Does anyone have any insight on whether I should ask to see the messages?

 

Not sure what seeing it will do for you. You've already pretty much confirmed your suspicions.

 

If this is his "only mistake", it's a pretty damn big one. If the "only mistake" was something like buying you a Coke when you prefer Pepsi, then maybe you'd be letting go prematurely. But his "mistake" isn't really a mistake- he knew exactly what he was doing and it shows that he simply does not value you as a human being.

[h0000]

no no just don't date a cheater..not to mention also a liar! you cant be this big of a doormat!

would you believe you will never doubt him again? ?Don't kid yourself! every girl he friends on Facebook is gonna make you doubt from now on !

and this wont be his last cheating. he will do it again cuz he knows you will take him back . hes basically allowed by you to date other women, whats stopping him from doing it?

also if he can date two women just means he doesnt love either.

[hestheone66]

If u are going to takehim back..and esp if he didnt even apologise then keep him but date others. U will quickly realise he is NOT the one.. Assuming he is remorseful, hold off sex till you both get tested and u see the results. You definitely do not owe him loyalty fidelity or affection at this point.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would entertain this?

[ColdAlone]

I think trust can be rebuild, in general.

 

I think in your case, that trust shouldn't have even been there...

[headinthecloud]

I'm not sure why. I really do love him. And when I ended it this morning he really did seem distraught. He literally won't stop calling and texting me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep saying no.

 

I know that she says she has left him. I hope that's true.

 

Then so should you! He's a liar and a manipulator.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

I just think that with her out of the picture thy we can maybe have a real shot. That's why I'm happy of she walks away.

 

Even though the trust shouldn't have been there, it was at least somewhat prior to this. We've been together almost a year. I've met his kids (and spent anlot of time with the youngest) and he hangs out with mine all the time.

[headinthecloud]

I just think that with her out of the picture thy we can maybe have a real shot. That's why I'm happy of she walks away.

 

Even though the trust shouldn't have been there, it was at least somewhat prior to this. We've been together almost a year. I've met his kids (and spent anlot of time with the youngest) and he hangs out with mine all the time.

 

Even more reason to leave him. He's a terrible example for your children. He doesn't communicate and when he does he manipulates people. Is this who you want influencing your kids?

 

Also, you're accepting behaviour from someone that says you're second best. You need to rebuild your self esteem. You are letting someone walk all over you.

 

You're going to hear some harsh words of advice so prepare yourself. It will not be what you want to hear.

[theothersully]

Once someone is found to be a liar, it's all done. Doesn't matter if it's about cheating or their profession. Don't continue a relationship with a liar. It won't end well. You are just wasting your time.

[KatZee]

Thanks Minneloa. I appreciate it and I'm trying to view this objectively. What though, if this is his one mistake? I kind of feel like he is the one, and I want to believe what he says. What if I let him go too prematurely?

 

Does anyone have any insight on whether I should ask to see the messages?

 

 

LOL, for real?! Girl, I want to beat you in the face with a 2x4.

 

One mistake? One mistake that he's cheating with MULTIPLE people? One mistake that lasted for MONTHS? Believe me sweetie. This isn't a "mistake." Cheaters don't make "mistakes" they make CHOICES.

 

And it was his CHOICE to cheat on you, his CHOICE to lie to you. His CHOICE to date multiple people at once.

 

A MISTAKE is when you get off the wrong exit, forget to pick up milk on the way home. A MISTAKE is what happens when someone is truly remorseful and acknowledges this, and then fixes it.

 

A "mistake" ISN'T: Lying, cheating, manipulation, or gas lighting.

 

You keep saying you "love him." May I ask what you are actually so in love with? YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. He's lied to you since virtually day one. The only thing you know about this guy, is what he WANTS you to know, and everything he wants you to believe, ISN'T REAL.

 

Yes, ask to see the messages. You really need to be hit with reality so you can get away from this D-O-U-C-H-E BAG. (Denis Leary needs to add a section on CHEATERS!!!!)

 

[KatZee]

I just think that with her out of the picture thy we can maybe have a real shot. That's why I'm happy of she walks away.

 

Even though the trust shouldn't have been there, it was at least somewhat prior to this. We've been together almost a year. I've met his kids (and spent anlot of time with the youngest) and he hangs out with mine all the time.

 

It actually blows my mind that people like you actually exist. Where is your spine????

 

A real shot?! This is laughable. A real shot at what? Being cheated on again? Because that's EXACTLY what's going to happen.

 

Sure, be happy that this chick walks away, think that you somehow won some "prize." She's walking away because she actually respects herself and is SMART.

 

But just know that there is going to be another "her" to take her place. Do you really think this guy is going to be faithful to you in any capacity?

 

I get that you feel you're so in love, and so invested, but please wake up. You haven't been together for 25 years, you're not married, you don't have any kids WITH HIM. There is no question here whether you should stay or walk.

 

You should have been gone yesterday.

[reddragon588]

Once someone is found to be a liar, it's all done. Doesn't matter if it's about cheating or their profession. Don't continue a relationship with a liar. It won't end well. You are just wasting your time.

 

I will give liars this.. They can always be trusted... To lie!