When trust is gone

[Minneloa]

I just think that with her out of the picture thy we can maybe have a real shot. That's why I'm happy of she walks away.

 

Even though the trust shouldn't have been there, it was at least somewhat prior to this. We've been together almost a year. I've met his kids (and spent anlot of time with the youngest) and he hangs out with mine all the time.

 

Honestly, this post worried me. A real shot at what, exactly? He's a liar and a cheater, so you have no foundation for a relationship.

 

Instead of being happy that his other woman walked away, follow her! Find someone who will treat you with respect and earn your trust. I mean, these are some pretty basic elements to a healthy relationship.

 

Aren't you ANGRY at him?

 

M.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just think that with her out of the picture thy we can maybe have a real shot. That's why I'm happy of she walks away.

 

Even though the trust shouldn't have been there, it was at least somewhat prior to this. We've been together almost a year. I've met his kids (and spent anlot of time with the youngest) and he hangs out with mine all the time.

 

You'd be more successful running headfirst into traffic on the freeway and surviving than getting this to work in your favor.

[happydate]

BackStory Link added by Moderation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427067-forced-dumper#post5243005

 

 

Hi everyone, I've been seeing a guy since last November. Recently someone reached out to me stating that she had been seeing him and there may be others. I confronted him, and he denied everything as I knew he would.

 

Finally, I decided to talk to her, and the stories she had, along with specific conversations she said she had with him, matched what he had said to me almost exactly. After talking to her, I believe her.

 

There have been red flags all along and my friends have cautioned me about him. I just didn't want to see it. He had bought us concert tickets for sweetest day last night, and I decided to go ahead and go. We had sex, and this morning I confronted him. I feel weak and not sure why I had sex with him, but I just love him so much.

 

Is this a relationship I should stick with or is should I walk away? Can a relationship be rebuilt after trust is gone?

 

There is a relationship guru by the name of Doc Love aka Thomas Hodges who would advocate men to date multiple women. The premise of his tactic is that, the only woman who is left standing by his side is the one he should be with or marry. This eliminates men being the dumpee cause if you date multiple women, then your chances are good that at least one or two will stick it out with the man. Now his method calls for NO SEX with these women until both agree to be in a monagamous relationship. This means technically he is spreading his eggs in all the different baskets. So technically, he is NOT cheating if he dates multiple women.

However, if he sleeps around with many women and continue to have relationships with them raking the advantage of sex, then he is cheating. This method supposedly helps find "The One" quciker. If other women told you that he's a player and that means he sleeps around with these women, then he is truly a player. A player is a person who is completely insecure and need women to re-affirm his manliness. His power and security is built around these women including yourself. I can tell you that if all women gang up on him and dump and ban him, then he'll be nothing more than a guy with a broken heart.

 

The true fact is that, he probably got his heart broken by a woman of his love and is now going around cheating to just reaffirm his ego that he could never be dumped. Even if he is dumped, he still feels that he had used the women enough for his sexual gain and power.

Edited October 21, 2013 by happydate

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thank you all for your responses. It really does help to see that everyone is on the same page.

 

I know he was definitely having sex with the two of us because if the timeline she gave me. He told us both we were the only one. She was genuinely upset when she found out he was also sleeping with me. So, that is hard. He definitely lied.

 

So, do most people think the facebook messages don't matter? I'm sure they will confirm what she has said is true. So I can't decide if it will help or even hurt me more.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Honestly, this post worried me. A real shot at what, exactly? He's a liar and a cheater, so you have no foundation for a relationship.

 

Instead of being happy that his other woman walked away, follow her! Find someone who will treat you with respect and earn your trust. I mean, these are some pretty basic elements to a healthy relationship.

 

Aren't you ANGRY at him?

 

M.

 

I am angry, but for some reason, it's not a consistent anger. I mean, I know he lied. And there is a lot I,m willing to look past. He's still working through a divorce. He's a mess financially. He's not the best at showing his emotions. But I've always thought I would walk away if someone cheated.

 

But, now that its happened, I'm just not sure i can. What if he is the love of my life and he never does it again. Maybe I should start another thread asking people if they've ever cheated in a relationship and never cheated again on the same person. Maybe that will help me.

[Zahara]

Thank you all for your responses. It really does help to see that everyone is on the same page.

 

I know he was definitely having sex with the two of us because if the timeline she gave me. He told us both we were the only one. She was genuinely upset when she found out he was also sleeping with me. So, that is hard. He definitely lied.

 

So, do most people think the facebook messages don't matter? I'm sure they will confirm what she has said is true. So I can't decide if it will help or even hurt me more.

 

It will help and it will hurt you. But who cares, when you already have enough to prove cheating and deceipt?

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would entertain this?

 

I don't know. I actually have high self esteem. I've just never felt love like this before.

[Zahara]

But, now that its happened, I'm just not sure i can. What if he is the love of my life and he never does it again. Maybe I should start another thread asking people if they've ever cheated in a relationship and never cheated again on the same person. Maybe that will help me.

 

OMG. Love of my life, even if he's a cheater and liar. You know what you do when you accept someone like this back in your life? You teach them that you will tolerate deplorable behavior. I want to smack the fantasy out of your head. A relationship isn't just about love. Love of my life, FFS, you're in some lalaland. It's about trust, loyalty, emotional availability, honesty, empathy, compassion, etc. None of which he has.

[Zahara]

I don't know. I actually have high self esteem. I've just never felt love like this before.

 

I don't believe this is love. This is an unhealthy attachment. You can't see wrong even when it's whacking you upside the head.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

LOL, for real?! Girl, I want to beat you in the face with a 2x4.

 

One mistake? One mistake that he's cheating with MULTIPLE people? One mistake that lasted for MONTHS? Believe me sweetie. This isn't a "mistake."

 

A MISTAKE is when you get off the wrong exit, forget to pick up milk on the way home. A MISTAKE is what happens when someone is truly remorseful and acknowledges this, and then fixes it.

 

 

 

Please don't hit me KatZee, although I can see why you think I deserve it, I guess!

 

I only have proof it's with this one girl, although there may be others.

 

When I talked to him again today (I know; I'm weak), he did seem truly sorry. He acknowledged his lies and mistake. He says he will do ANYTHING to fix this. That I am the only one for him. That she was a mistake and meant nothing.

 

Does the fact that he said all of that and seems truly sorry change any of your minds?

[pteromom]

What though, if this is his one mistake?

 

It's not ONE mistake though. One mistake would be "I got drunk and slept with her last night and I am sorry and willing to do anything to make it up to you."

 

This isn't ONE mistake.

 

It's four months of mistakes, accompanied by six months of lies and denial and betrayal.

 

If he is capable of looking into your eyes and professing his feelings, then going out with her and doing the same, then coming back to you and putting on a face as if there is nothing going on... well... you got yourself a LIAR. He is who he is, and he isn't going to become someone else.

 

If you want to see the FB messages, read them. You could also ask her why she thinks there are other women as well.

 

Maybe it will be enough to make you end the relationship.

 

But the "love" you are feeling is one-sided. Surely you see that, right? He may actually feel something for you, but he's been putting on an act this whole time.

[pteromom]

When I talked to him again today (I know; I'm weak), he did seem truly sorry. He acknowledged his lies and mistake. He says he will do ANYTHING to fix this. That I am the only one for him. That she was a mistake and meant nothing.

 

Does the fact that he said all of that and seems truly sorry change any of your minds?

 

No, it just reinforces what we already know here... that he is a very very good liar.

 

Of COURSE he seems sorry. He doesn't want his actions to actually have consequences. He wants to keep on doing what he wants to do.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know. I actually have high self esteem. I've just never felt love like this before.

 

This isn't love. This is co-dependency.

[Simon Phoenix]

please don't hit me katzee, although i can see why you think i deserve it, i guess!

 

I only have proof it's with this one girl, although there may be others.

 

When i talked to him again today (i know; i'm weak), he did seem truly sorry. He acknowledged his lies and mistake. He says he will do anything to fix this. That i am the only one for him. That she was a mistake and meant nothing.

 

Does the fact that he said all of that and seems truly sorry change any of your minds?

 

absolutely not. Don't be stupid.

[Zahara]

I only have proof it's with this one girl, although there may be others.

 

When I talked to him again today (I know; I'm weak), he did seem truly sorry. He acknowledged his lies and mistake. He says he will do ANYTHING to fix this. That I am the only one for him. That she was a mistake and meant nothing.

 

A mistake isn't something you keep doing over and over again. Get that in your head.

 

I had a cheater ex and he said the same things this douchebag said. Apologies, tears and life long commitment. He did it again.

 

You can take that risk. It's up to you.

[happydate]

Thank you all for your responses. It really does help to see that everyone is on the same page.

 

I know he was definitely having sex with the two of us because if the timeline she gave me. He told us both we were the only one. She was genuinely upset when she found out he was also sleeping with me. So, that is hard. He definitely lied.

 

So, do most people think the facebook messages don't matter? I'm sure they will confirm what she has said is true. So I can't decide if it will help or even hurt me more.

 

If your gut feeling is telling you that he's cheating, then he is. I personally have full respect with a woman intuitiveness is far more powerful than a man. Which is why sometimes a woman can smell a rat in a man better than a man does to a woman if she's cheating. Men have the same intuitiveness as women do, but they don't utilize it cause of their inflated ego.

 

That girl smelled it and so do you. What happens here is that, you like him MORE than he does on you. That's his game. He would only date women who he couldn't fall in love in to protect his broken heart, but would be willing to have sex and play so he feels attentive. You are dealing with a logical person who can manipulate your heart. I think probably many of her women all really like him -- he's a smooth operator and sweet talker who can easily win all of your heart and steal your candy underneath you without you feeling guilty. Am I not off on that?

 

He's the one that needs help and healing, cause he's hurt inside. This is something you can not help him do. No amount of sex protected or unprotected is going to heal him, though he's going to smooth talk you into that though.

 

There are female versions of the same also. I had dealt with one myself; a smooth female talker and player!

 

Hope this helps.

Edited October 21, 2013 by happydate

[hestheone66]

You can put some strong boundaries and he will respect them. He is deg using you.probably for financial security. any person going thru divorce needs time on their iwn before they are capable of investing in a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. He doesnt sound capable of being on his own and trying to understand his toxic behaviour. I bet his wife kicked him out, not the other way round. Like my previous post, if u love him, keep him around while u wean yourself of your dependance and date others. Sleep with none tho.

[pteromom]

I don't know. I actually have high self esteem. I've just never felt love like this before.

 

What is your definition of love?

 

This may be a good place to go with this thread, and with helping your thought process.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

. any person going thru divorce needs time on their iwn before they are capable of investing in a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. He doesnt sound capable of being on his own and trying to understand his toxic behaviour. I bet his wife kicked him out, not the other way.

 

We've had this exact conversation. I told him since I am divorced that I understand needing time to himself and how that first year of freedom feels. (By the way, they haven't filed yet). I told him to take time. I have him an out even before I knew about this other girl. He insisted he truly cared for me (although because he was stuck in a bad marriage for so long, he does have trouble expressing that).

 

His wife did ask him to leave. They only married after she had their second kid, separated years ago (he slept with someone else during that separation), they had sex one tme and she got pregnant again), tried to work it out, but he's been sleeping on the couch for the last year and a half. They fought all the time. I know he consistently slept with another girl the last year of his marriage. We met at almost the exact same time they separated last year.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

What is your definition of love?

 

This may be a good place to go with this thread, and with helping your thought process.

 

We have such great conversations. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He treats me with respect. I've never been so open and honest with someone, although I already know you are going to point out that he has not done the same with me. I have honestly never felt this way about someone. He's a great dad. He's great with my kids. He looks at me so lovingly. He knows how to calm me. Me just makes me feel really loved when we are together.

[pteromom]

By the way, they haven't filed yet.

 

he slept with someone else during that separation

 

he's been sleeping on the couch for the last year and a half.

 

I know he consistently slept with another girl the last year of his marriage.

 

?????

 

Do you hear yourself here?

 

He's "sleeping on the couch". Uh-huh. Sure.

He cheated in his marriage, and that's why his marriage ended.

He cheated on you (AND this other woman you talked to) since the supposed end of his marriage.

 

This isn't a "he cheated once so he can change" situation.

 

He's a SERIAL cheater.

 

Hell, I bet if you called his wife, their impending divorce may even be a surprise to her.

 

Come on, man. I mean... COME ON.

[Minneloa]

We have such great conversations. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He treats me with respect. I've never been so open and honest with someone, although I already know you are going to point out that he has not done the same with me. I have honestly never felt this way about someone. He's a great dad. He's great with my kids. He looks at me so lovingly. He knows how to calm me. Me just makes me feel really loved when we are together.

 

I'm sorry, but fundamentally he does NOT treat you with respect: he cheated on you and lied about it. I think you are in a lot of denial right now.

[pteromom]

He treats me with respect.

 

Ok. What's your definition of being treated with respect?

 

I've never been so open and honest with someone, although I already know you are going to point out that he has not done the same with me.

 

You are right on that point.

 

He's a great dad.

 

No he isn't. He's a dad who cheats on his family. That's NOT a great dad!!!!

 

He's great with my kids.

 

Yessss... he gets THEM to love him so that he can go out and cheat on you and eventually leave them too.

 

He looks at me so lovingly. He knows how to calm me. Me just makes me feel really loved when we are together.

 

This is all skill learned by being a master cheater. It's ALL AN ACT. Do you really not see that? He knows just what to say to make a woman fall for him, and keep her hooked. It's a game.

 

If the loving looks meant something to him, he would not be able to gaze into your eyes, then walk out of the house and go put his **** into someone (or someoneS) else.

 

He. Is. A. Liar.

[Minneloa]

We've had this exact conversation. I told him since I am divorced that I understand needing time to himself and how that first year of freedom feels. (By the way, they haven't filed yet). I told him to take time. I have him an out even before I knew about this other girl. He insisted he truly cared for me (although because he was stuck in a bad marriage for so long, he does have trouble expressing that).

 

His wife did ask him to leave. They only married after she had their second kid, separated years ago (he slept with someone else during that separation), they had sex one tme and she got pregnant again), tried to work it out, but he's been sleeping on the couch for the last year and a half. They fought all the time. I know he consistently slept with another girl the last year of his marriage. We met at almost the exact same time they separated last year.

 

It does not surprise me to hear that he cheated on his wife. It does, a little, surprise me that you think a serial cheater will somehow magically change his spots if you take him back. Can you see how irrational that is? With all due respect, I think you need to dig deep and find your self-respect. This man is poison.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

It does not surprise me to hear that he cheated on his wife. It does, a little, surprise me that you think a serial cheater will somehow magically change his spots if you take him back. Can you see how irrational that is? With all due respect, I think you need to dig deep and find your self-respect. This man is poison.

 

He doesn't consider it cheating since they were separated. In fact, they are only separated now. Haven't filed yet. Money is an issue, a house is being foreclosed on, and time with the kids is an issue.

 

But, the marriage is definitely over...