newmoon Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 (edited) Is it possible to become romantically involved with the guywho has always been there for you? You know, the friend who has alwayssupported you through the breakups and heartache? The one you’ve treated moreas a girlfriend with your stories than a potential romantic interest? The one you know likes youbut you never liked back. I am suspicious by nature and have always felt that ifsomeone knows about my dating history they might use it against me somehow, or not respect me. ButI find myself liking my close friend these days because he has been a supportfor me through difficult times lately. Has anyone been ‘that guy’ or has anyonebeen the girl who starting dating that close friend? How did it work out for? Edited October 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Does your friend know about your dating history? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newmoon Posted October 20, 2013 Author Share Posted October 20, 2013 yes. that is why I question whether such relationships can work. perhaps they know you too well, or could use past hurts against you Link to post Share on other sites
GGZ Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Hello there, From my personal experience, moving from a platonic friendship to something more is a bumpy road and chances are that one of the parties involved will have his/her heart broken. In my case, I told my friend how much she meant to me since she has grown distant and stopped talking to me and she cut me off. I don't mind being turned down by women, but for some reasons her non-response/NC (whatever you want to call it) was a big thing for me because she is my significant other and has always meant a lot to me. Like you said, there are some friends who know you so well that it can seem awkward to enter a relationship with them since they know you so well... Anyways, I really think you should not worry too much about any outcomes now; you are young and it is all right to make mistakes. You should tell him/her your feelings than denying them for the sake of keeping in touch with that person. If he/she really understands you, that person will make an effort to reach out to you and talk. But before, make sure you know clearly what you want; do not deny your own feelings. Good luck to you, I hope everything will be all right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 yes. that is why I question whether such relationships can work. perhaps they know you too well, or could use past hurts against you "Using it against you"?!? That's sounds like a rather paranoid place to approach dating from, doesnt it? Have you thought about some therapy to explore why you have trust issues? What makes you think your friend is interested, has he ever expressed interest in you? Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Guess I was 'that guy'....always her buddy but never her boyfriend. Got there eventually though! Link to post Share on other sites
lop98 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) I experienced this... we were platonic for many years, shared a lot, knew about our history... but we'd go through some months when we'd crush on each other, and one of the two would back away, and then it would calm down and we'd go back to normal. Last time this happened, neither of us backed away... so we started some sort of relationship... and it ended right away, with both of us heartbroken. I knew there was no way back once the line was crossed and if the relationship failed we would not be able to get back the old friendship, and it's exactly what happened. On top of that, what you mention about knowing each other's past played a big role, it's not a paranoid thought at all... we both had trust issues and they're everywhere in our history, I always knew how he treated his girlfriends and how he talked about them and what he did... I started watching my back and distanced myself at the first sign that he was playing with me, based on what I witnessed all the years I couldn't forget that, as a partner, he had the capacity of going very far when hurting people, and I was right. He's actually the reason I'm on LS... the heartbreak was that severe I didn't know how to even handle it or where to go. I would absolutely not go there if I were you... unless you have all the tools to overcome insecurities and try commitment. Consider the friendship already lost once you turn it into something else, so you want to make sure that something else has a lot of elements to be long-lasting, or at least worth the outcome. Edited October 23, 2013 by lop98 Link to post Share on other sites
million Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I'm (M) currently going through this 'transition' with a friend of 8 years. This is current so don't think I can give any advice, just another story. Started as genuinely platonic many years ago, then I realised I had fallen for her after a while. She was in a long term relationship and I withheld my feelings for such a long time. It ate me up, I eventually told her and was rejected. At this point our friendship had already deteriorated due to me not knowing how to handle my emotions and distancing myself as a way of coping. She moved overseas and we kept in touch for awhile, but at some point I made a decision to quit the pining, cut all ties, fade out and go no contact. It sucked and I felt bad, but I knew deep down she would understand and I had to do it. It worked and I got over it. I'd think about her now and then but as far as I was concerned, that chapter of my life was over. Fast forward a few years or so and things are great. I'm recently single & in a good place even though I was the dumpee. Unknown to me, my friend has moved back to town. She makes contact and we catch up. This becomes more frequent over time and we quickly become close again. S**t, warning bells go off in my head almost as if this is the last stop before relapse town. So even though I'm having a tonne of fun, my head is telling me to end this to protect myself. I'm honest with her and let her know that I don't think I can be this close with her anymore as it's bring up old feelings. Before I can go on, she kisses me and we proceed to make out for what felt like forever. We spend the next 2 months acting exactly the same just with the addition of the romantic element. We agree to take it slow, don't label anything and 'see what happens'. It starts to get a bit tense and I can feel something is wrong. We have a very long, emotional discussion and she lets me know that she "can't do this right now" due a combination of things that are affecting her deep down. So it stops. I feel annoyed as in that space of time, I wasn't able to confirm exactly how I feel about her. It feels like a huge tease and as much as I can understand why she isn't able to continue right now, its very frustrating. It's been about 2 months since we stopped seeing each other as 'more than friends' and really, the friendship and dynamics we knew ended the moment we kissed. It sucks, we don't know what to do and I feel in emotional limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 If you value the friendship, then keep it platonic. In my experience, these things only have happy endings in Hollywood movies. I'm sure it works for some people, but you risk losing a good friend, considering most relationships do fail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
million Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 So a couple of thoughts/tips: - It WILL CHANGE your friendship if it doesn't work out. Boundaries and dynamics are different once you go beyond friends. - DO THINK THROUGH the potential after affects of going beyond friendship. - DON'T DO IT IF you are just "curious". You can cause some serious hurt. You will know deep down if you really want to give it a go - ONE PERSON WILL ALWAYS have stronger feelings going into it than the other - Expect it to be weird. It takes some time to get used to and it can be easier for one of you than the other. - TALK. LOTS. About how you are feeling and what you expect. You need to be on the same page. - You may have chemistry, but you might not have enough - It's an emotional roller coaster, you've got a lot more invested in this than other relationships - It can be a lose lose situation - It can be a win win situation. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Is it possible to become romantically involved with the guywho has always been there for you? You know, the friend who has alwayssupported you through the breakups and heartache? The one you’ve treated moreas a girlfriend with your stories than a potential romantic interest? The one you know likes youbut you never liked back. I am suspicious by nature and have always felt that ifsomeone knows about my dating history they might use it against me somehow, or not respect me. ButI find myself liking my close friend these days because he has been a supportfor me through difficult times lately. Has anyone been ‘that guy’ or has anyonebeen the girl who starting dating that close friend? How did it work out for? Yes, it is possible. I married my best friend. We knew each other for about three years before we got together. We are divorced now, but simply grew apart over the years. We are still good friends. He's probably the closest to a soulmate that I'll ever find. Link to post Share on other sites
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