Any happy couples out there?

[Archanaart]

I'm happy to hear there are many of us in happy relationships on LS

 

And I thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions and give some of your advice and wisdom on relationships.

 

You are all truly an inspiration and it's nice to read the different ways couples communicate and strengthen their relationship.

 

I agree with all of you that relationships take work, and there needs to be shared interests and values and communication.

 

I wish you all the best, love and happiness.

[bwright42tx]

Okay, I'll post my Happy relationship story for you.

 

Started as an LDR 18 years ago. We met on an old school BBS on the internet. There were no dating sites, etc. back then. She was in Missouri, I was in Texas. Our paths crossed briefly online, I tried to start a chat, but she said she was going to bed and half jokingly said I'd have to call her if I wanted to talk to her. I got her number, waited 5 minutes and dialed the phone. 10 hours later, the sun was coming up, I had to get ready for class (we were both in college), and neither one of us wanted to hang-up the phone.

 

I talked to her almost every night for a month, the vast majority of those calls lasting until the wee morning hours. It's amazing how quickly and deeply you can get to know someone like that. I went and visited her after a month and we had an instant attraction and knew what we were feeling was real.

 

She came and visited for a few weeks that 1st summer, and then again at Christmas. After Christmas I transferred to her school for the spring semester and moved up there. That year of an LDR was difficult, with many ups and downs. Moving in together was bliss. Then we found out she was pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy and after the birth of our Son there were many ups and downs, but we always had the same goals and the same vision for our future.

 

We got married on the 2 year anniversary of the day we met online. A few months later we moved back to Texas (better Job prospects among other reasons). There are some interesting stories along the way, but I'm trying to keep this brief.

 

Shortly after moving to Texas our Daughter was born and my wife had her tubes tied.

 

There have been some ups and downs along the way. A couple of times we weren't sure we were going to make it. But we always worked through our problems and came out stronger through every challenge. I think part of our success is that we both agree that we made a lifelong commitment in our marriage and part of that commitment is that you work through your problems, and don't go running when things get tough.

 

There were times I could have easily walked away, and there were times she wanted to too. There were nights, weeks even, where we went to bed angry. But there were also weeks and months of utter bliss, feeling like that young couple who just met all over again.

 

We've been there for each other through very difficult personal times (the loss of her brother when he was only 21, the loss of my grandfather, and a few other difficult personal times). We've also shared an amazing assortment of wonderful experiences together. I think one thing that has helped us is realizing when we need to recharge as a couple and getting away together (and when we couldn't afford to get away, letting my parents take the kids for a weekend and we stay at home all weekend).

 

It helps to develop some couple and family traditions. One of my wife's favorites was/is waking the kids up in the middle of the night and running out for Ice Cream in our PJs. Creating small little "good memories" that you can easily duplicate and rely on/reminisce about when times get tough.

 

She's pushed me to learn/do new things over the year, and I've done the same for her.

 

We're definitely committed and looking forward to another 60 or 70 years together.

[Pyro]

Sure, I've been in a good relationship for 2.5 yrs and it is an LDR. We're about to get engaged and move in together. Granted, I am not on LS that much because I am working, traveling, planning an engagement and a move. But, we are out there. Not sure Pyro or CE will show up in this thread, but there are some happy couple out there.

 

Present.

 

This marriage thing is pretty cool. Finding the right person has helped with that.

[truthbetold]

Yes, very happily married.

 

I agree with the poster that said, many of the happy ones eventually stop posting etc.... I do not think LS is a good representation at all of happiness. I have 2 sets of good friends, one is going on 27 years and the other is 31 so yes it exists.

 

The secret is communication as well as for us, being strongly faith based. I do understand that may not resonate with many but it's also why I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there would not ever be any cheating nor boredom settling in let alone divorce. Even though we both were divorced (we both were the ones to file, however his ex left them when daughter was younger to "find herself" and my ex was abusive amongst other things) We met years after our respective divorces when both were happy on our own. We strongly believe in the "until death do you part".

 

Neither of us was ever wired for cheating. Not even in the past when we were young. We have excellent boundaries, we communicate and we make the marriage a priority. Because we believe in our commitment to each other and to God so strongly, besides knowing that marriage takes work to nurture and grow, we remember to keep the fun. It's very easy after some time together and the 2 year limerence stage wears off and things settle to a more consistent level to have the possibility of letting things get routine and stale. The key is communication and remembering "to date each other"

 

We know love is an action, the action fuels the feelings but there are times that things ebb and flow so when life gets harried, the love actions take over and feed the "in love" part, but it's very much so a constant tending and awareness and well, a priority.

 

I used to be afraid of the arguing at first, because that was so prevalent in my 1st marriage that I thought "any" arguing was dramatic and unhealthy. I learned that's not true, I learned there's loving ways to disagree that doesn't mean things don't get heated, it means that we've learned one or the other will step back and revisit the issue with cooler heads. To not go to bed angry and to not rug sweep. The arguing in turn has become less and much more productive in that we learn a lot and bond that much more. We've also learned how not to turn those little things into a big fight. But that was still quite a learning process. It takes commitment to each other and the willingness to change behaviors that don't benefit the union. That's where I think too many will throw in the towel. It's too easy to say "eff it, too much work I'll chase the next high". Feeding this and knowing we're in for the long haul, creates a much better and fulfilling high.

 

I think that's why you see those couples in their elderly years walking hand and hand and still looking like they're in love. Likely when younger they had those fights to learn how to perfect the dance with each other and they learned the great friendship and teamwork and the love that binds and can indeed keep you in love for a lifetime. But it didn't come "easy".

 

I mostly comment on the OW forum because even though I'm not a BS or a OW I relate to being with the wrong person and giving so much of yourself that you don't even recognize who you are. I know what it's like to be afraid to let your real self out, I lived all that and it was wrong! There are people who will love you for YOU.

 

However lately there's a couple over there that are monopolizing all the threads and it's sad how clueless some people are. What I learned is though you may reach that minority there's always going to be more that are going to have learn by going down their own painful path and no matter what, for the most part the lightbulb won't go off til they're ready for the truth and not hide in the deception.

 

I saw the comment by Grumpy on and different thread that OW/OM are people that are hooked on drama and a lightbulb went off for me! (thanks Grumpy!) I understood a lot of what he said. I always thought God may want to go through me to try to help some people in a way that can help them. But lately I don't know. I'm feeling it's time for a different direction. So time will tell. I come because while I'm searching for a new job, this is sort of a diversion and like I said, I like to try to give back.

 

I know you didn't ask for that long of an explanation lol. But apart from answering your question of "what works" for us, I thought it was relevant to explain why I'm on LS and why I post where I do if I'm so "happy" because some that are looking for an Achilles heel will try to look for one to try to discredit any advice and that quite honestly does get tiring to explain and if you don't explain they accuse you of hiding something, so all in all LS can be tough to navigate sometimes much like a minefield and I don't always have the time, or patience or inclination to want to engage with the troublemakers.

[kiss_andmakeup]

*raises hand*

 

It certainly took a lot of time and effort, though.

 

If you look at my thread history you'll see we went through a break up about a year and a half into our relationship. We were apart for two months (Dec 2012 and Jan 2013). The things that have helped us mend and strengthen our bond have been:

 

-communication. This is so huge. My fiancé used to have a lot of walls up, particularly about commitment. Any conversation about these things would be evaded or shut down, and me being more passive than I should have been, eventually stopped bringing it up. This is what led to our break-up, eventually. Since reconciling, he's admittedly had a huge change of heart about commitment, but it hasn't come for nothing. He sees a therapist weekly and we have lots of open discussions about how things are going. What's good, what we're worried about, what we'd like to work on. One day at a time, the relationship has totally transformed from the one it used to be.

 

-acceptance. I am a big "pick your battles" person, and my boyfriend is, too. I try not to pick at him for little things that are just a part of his personality and which aren't detrimental to our relationship. I try to keep all unnecessary drama to an absolute minimum. Example: he never puts his dirty dishes in the dishwasher; he just sets them in the sink. Well, guess what, he was like that even before I moved in. He's not doing it because he expects me to do it. It's just habit, and at the end of the day, it takes me approximately 7 seconds to move his dish from the sink to the dishwasher. Am I going to pick a fight about it? No way.

 

-appreciation. I find we're both really good at showing each other thanks and appreciation for all that we contribute to each other's lives. Every time I cook a meal, he makes sure to say afterwards "that was really good sweetie, thank you so much." or the like. It makes me feel like the things I do are noticed and appreciated by him. In the same way, when he takes us out for dinner, I still say thank you every single time. Even if he just picks up carry-out. "Thanks for getting that honey, I really appreciate it." I think a lot of couples start to take each other for granted at some point. Our relationship is still relatively young (less than 3 years) but I really hope we can keep this aspect up.

 

-mutual interests. I have never had as much in common with a significant other as I do with my fiancé, and this makes our relationship so strong. We both love music; it's our "thing", and we go to check out indie shows and small venue shows almost weekly. In my past relationships, if I wanted to do this I had to do it alone or with a friend, and it was the same for my fiancé before he met me. The fact that we both love to do the same things gives us this awesome sense of camaraderie and partnership. If a band is coming to town that I want to see, I know he'll go with me, hands down. If there's a weird new hole-in-the-wall place he wants to check out, he knows I'll go with him no questions asked.

 

-passion. This is huge, too. We're both extremely attracted to each other which allows us to have a fun, exciting physical relationship dynamic and an active sex life. We work out together so that we can both stay in shape...for each other. I think it'd be silly not to mention physical attraction as it is a building block of a happy relationship.

 

-respect. Probably the biggest thing. We absolutely never sink to the level of calling each other names, cussing at each other, or otherwise disrespecting each other, even if we're having a disagreement. We make each other our priority and always consider the other's feelings when making plans, purchases, etc. I don't think I need to list all the ways that respect is important...it's elemental to a healthy relationship.

[JamesM]

I know that LS is a place to come and seek advice on problems.

 

And a good one I might add.

 

However, I find there is a lack of positive threads concerning relationships.

 

The reason is not that there are no happy couples on here. It is because LS is a place to find support and feedback for problems in relationships.

 

People will not ask for advice when their relationships are going good. And good relationships don't "need" LS.

 

This observation just might be in my head but nonetheless I would love to hear from couples in healthy happy relationships with its ups and downs.

 

It is not. I will respond.

 

What makes your relationship strong?

 

Commitment. No, not love as in the feelings of love. Love ebbs and flows. Commitment needs to stay strong during the ups and downs.

 

What's the key to your relationship?

 

Commitment. And that commitment means that I pursue all avenues and options to improve my marriage when it is down. It means that I communicate when I don't want to communicate. It means that I love when I want to ignore. It means that I shop when I want to drop. It means that I listen when I want to sleep. It simply means that I give when I want to take.

 

 

Any advice for those seeking healthy relationship?

 

As you can guess what my advice may be, take commitment seriously. That means that you act with love when you don't feel like loving. It means you talk when you want to be silent. It means you listen when you want to talk. It means that you do whatever is best for your relationship/marriage...even when it is the opposite of what you want.

 

If you do not want to commit to the person that you are thinking of marrying before you marry, then by all means run and find someone that you love enough before marriage to commit to after marriage.

[bwright42tx]

As you can guess what my advice may be, take commitment seriously. That means that you act with love when you don't feel like loving. It means you talk when you want to be silent. It means you listen when you want to talk. It means that you do whatever is best for your relationship/marriage...even when it is the opposite of what you want.

 

If you do not want to commit to the person that you are thinking of marrying before you marry, then by all means run and find someone that you love enough before marriage to commit to after marriage.

 

Excellent Advice.