Men and breakup any advice ?

[Just Me]

My live in partner and I have recently ended the relationship - we have before but this one was after not talking for days. When we started talking a bit again I questioned him re r/ship and he said he wanted to end the relationship, I said I wasnt sure or I did not want to end it.

 

So why is he drinking all day (sneaking drinks too)? If a decision was made then why does he block out feelings with alcohol. Do all men do this?

 

Last time we broke up he remained completely sober. In 5 years we have "broken up" about 4-7 times. Is this normal?

 

How does a woman know when it is finished. How does a women know whether he means it? How too can I tell if he is interested again (as he knocks on my bedroom door quite a bit).

 

Thanks All

[Tony T]

He's probably drinking to drown out the pain from the break up...but he wants to stay apart this time. He wants it over. He doesn't want to think about it either because there are too many things rolling around in his mind about this.

 

It's amazing how you know he's sneaking drinks. I guess you are still living with him. You need to move quickly.

 

You ask how a woman knows. In your case, this is not rocket science. The fact that you don't even know how many times you have broken up...you say somewhere between four and seven...is a pretty good indication this relationship isn't a happening thing. Good, healthy relationships just aren't conducted like that. People who love each other just don't split on a regular schedule like that...and if they do love each other they know for certain how many times their heart has sank to their stomach in pain.

 

The best reason to know this is over is that it really hasn't even existed for some time. There is NO communication. Like first, just think, you are having to ask over 120,000,000 people on the worldwide web if your relationship is actually over. You don't know. Maybe you don't know your own feelings...but I take it you really can't tell from your guy whether or not he's meaning his behavior. That's downright poor communication and no relationship can ever thrive on that. If this was a good realtionship, after four years you should know this guy a whole lot better than you do.

 

You are not even in touch with your own feelings. You actually want to remain with a guy you don't understand, who you don't know where his head is, who you have to ask whether he means it. Two people who are in love, who know each other, don't have to ask these things.

 

Whether he means it or not isn't even the question. You are a wonderful, loving lady who deserves a guy who won't bust up with you on a regular basis, who won't drink his woes away, who will communicate with you regularly and work out disputes with healthy conflict resolution techniques rather than split every time the going gets tough. How can you possibly feel secure in a relationship like that?

 

So, it is NOT normal or average to break up four to seven times in five years if a relationship is healthy.

 

How does a woman know when it's finished? She listens to her intuition, she asks herself if she's happy, she knows there is a better life for her elsewhere, her gut just tells her this isn't the stuff of great romance.

 

How can you tell if he's interested again? Well, after he's called all the single ladies he knows to see if they're interested in going out...after he's talked to all his buddies who tell him what a bxtch it is to find a regular girl...after he realizes there aren't many women who would put up with his crap and stick around through 4-7 breakups...after he realizes there aren't many women he can jerk around like he does you...he will call you and say "Honey, I'm really sorry for what I did and I'm sorry for drinking, let's give it a sixth, uh..seventh...oh, no, an eighth try...gee, we just have to give it another go. You know babe, we were meant for each other." When he does all that, you know for sure he's extremely interested in getting back together.

 

And since you already know you want him back, you'll go into the ninth inning. Start keeping a diary on this time. You're wasting a lot of valueable time in your life. Start paying attention to and evaluating this situation.

[Just Me]

Tony

 

You are a big help. I will write in more detail later.

 

Thankyou very much

He's probably drinking to drown out the pain from the break up...but he wants to stay apart this time. He wants it over. He doesn't want to think about it either because there are too many things rolling around in his mind about this.

 

It's amazing how you know he's sneaking drinks. I guess you are still living with him. You need to move quickly. You ask how a woman knows. In your case, this is not rocket science. The fact that you don't even know how many times you have broken up...you say somewhere between four and seven...is a pretty good indication this relationship isn't a happening thing. Good, healthy relationships just aren't conducted like that. People who love each other just don't split on a regular schedule like that...and if they do love each other they know for certain how many times their heart has sank to their stomach in pain. The best reason to know this is over is that it really hasn't even existed for some time. There is NO communication. Like first, just think, you are having to ask over 120,000,000 people on the worldwide web if your relationship is actually over. You don't know. Maybe you don't know your own feelings...but I take it you really can't tell from your guy whether or not he's meaning his behavior. That's downright poor communication and no relationship can ever thrive on that. If this was a good realtionship, after four years you should know this guy a whole lot better than you do. You are not even in touch with your own feelings. You actually want to remain with a guy you don't understand, who you don't know where his head is, who you have to ask whether he means it. Two people who are in love, who know each other, don't have to ask these things. Whether he means it or not isn't even the question. You are a wonderful, loving lady who deserves a guy who won't bust up with you on a regular basis, who won't drink his woes away, who will communicate with you regularly and work out disputes with healthy conflict resolution techniques rather than split every time the going gets tough. How can you possibly feel secure in a relationship like that? So, it is NOT normal or average to break up four to seven times in five years if a relationship is healthy. How does a woman know when it's finished? She listens to her intuition, she asks herself if she's happy, she knows there is a better life for her elsewhere, her gut just tells her this isn't the stuff of great romance. How can you tell if he's interested again? Well, after he's called all the single ladies he knows to see if they're interested in going out...after he's talked to all his buddies who tell him what a bxtch it is to find a regular girl...after he realizes there aren't many women who would put up with his crap and stick around through 4-7 breakups...after he realizes there aren't many women he can jerk around like he does you...he will call you and say "Honey, I'm really sorry for what I did and I'm sorry for drinking, let's give it a sixth, uh..seventh...oh, no, an eighth try...gee, we just have to give it another go. You know babe, we were meant for each other." When he does all that, you know for sure he's extremely interested in getting back together. And since you already know you want him back, you'll go into the ninth inning. Start keeping a diary on this time. You're wasting a lot of valueable time in your life. Start paying attention to and evaluating this situation.

[Just Me]

"He's probably drinking to drown out the pain from the break up...but he wants to stay apart this time. He wants it over".

 

Tony - how do you know it is over - just by drinking alcohol.

 

Re the number of break ups. We are both new to this and a lot of it was just talk. I would say 2 times where something was done.

 

" The best reason to know this is over is that it really hasn't even existed for some time. There is NO communication"

 

This is true - we both have no idea how to relate - I got my ideas from books and my family.

 

Yes I do want to be with someone I don't understand. There is lots to get to know then. Simple, artificial and extroverted people bore me.

 

Thanks for the nice comments re deserving better. I do not want anyone else. He has a lot of good too.

 

I truly feel counselling and learning about communication is CRUCIAL. Both participants need to put some effort into it. He was willing to go to counselling before. I did not suggest it this time.

 

We are both introverted and function well without people. He does not particularly want friends - if it happens then it happens. He has barely budged so he has not been seeing women. I doubt he would do this at such a shocker of a time. No worries here.

 

"You know babe, we were meant for each other"

 

Never would those words spill from his mouth nor mine unless I was trying to be comical. Way too false.

 

Are not actions louder than words?

 

He has had very few previous women. None have been as serious as me - nor as long.

 

I appreciate your help but please consider the introverts in this world. Carl Jung was a classic introvert and he was brilliant and well admired.

 

I am NOT SURE if I want to get back with him, but I would like to have a serious try with help (never done before). I would like to see if we can work on better communication. Then I will decide.

 

BTW - the drinking has decreased and we are speaking courteously, nothing deep. I couldnt handle too deep right now. I do need space - I thought only men did. I am a rare type.

 

Awaiting your reply.

[Tony T]

You make a very compelling argument for giving it another try. You sound like a very intelligent lady who is very much in love with this guy for some reason. I'm not knocking you here...I've been there, have the T-Shirt and a Congressional Commendation.

 

But I think you ought to put a cap on this arguing and getting back together stuff. It's been four to seven times now. Why don't you decide now you'll give it up at, say, 50 times. That'sll give you something to shoot for. I mean it's OK now, but when you're in your 60's and 70's it's sort of hard on the constitution, a bit mentally and physically draining for an older person.

 

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing something the same way repeatedly but expecting a different result each time. I think if you're going to do this again and again, you better come up with some new techniques, new strategies. Get some counselling to help with communication, etc. Buy some different books. Go to different places, do different things. Have him change types and brands of underwear. Just make a lot of changes. Shake this up a little bit.

 

YOU WRITE: "Yes I do want to be with someone I don't understand. There is lots to get to know then. Simple, artificial and extroverted people bore me."

 

Well, I envy you. I don't understand anyone or anything anymore. And, yes, there's lots to learn. But when people act too goofy around me, I just take a nap. I wished I got as excited about people I don't understand as you do.