Final email to MM? Relatively short.

[SidLyon]

So, here's the last email I sent my former MM. Our official breakup was 9/30/13. I sent him a kind email on 10/1/2013 to which he didn't respond. The final email (below) was sent on 10/6/2013. Of course he hasn't responded to this one either, but I need an opinion -- does this email make me sound desperate, or like I am pleading with him? If I never speak to him again, I don't want my last contact to make me seem like a needy twit that lacks confidence.

This hurts more than I expected it to. Today in church I prayed for you. I hope you are finding the peace you need, but I am far from it. I've spent the week trying to drown my feelings by reconnecting with my husband. When your heart and mind are with someone else, it doesn't work.

 

Right now, I am finding myself sitting in the library parking lot trying not to cry. But, I also feel like I need to cry. Just to have a release from the emotional roller coaster I've been on with you for the last three months. I feel

so

alone. You're the only one I shared this secret with and you're the one I can't talk to. I'

m

scared to share my pain with my friends because you shouldn't matter that much to me. I can't talk to my husband -- my best friend -- because our marriage would never be the same. The worst part is that I am questioning everything I thought I knew about myself, love, and relationships.

 

But, when you play the game, you take the risk that you will get burned. I hope I am feeling this way because it is a natural reaction to being told you can't have something that you want desperately. If not, I'

m

doomed to carry you around in my heart forever. I really don't need that type of baggage.

 

I miss you and wish things didn't have to be

so

complicated. If you dont respond to this email, I understand. Of course, I do want you to respond -- even if it's just to say the same thing I've heard already.

 

 

does this email make me sound desperate, or like I am pleading with him?

 

 

I don't think it makes you seem desperate, but IMO it does sound like you're pleading with him to respond and perhaps needy as you yourself suggest.

 

 

I don't want my last contact to make me seem like a needy twit that lacks confidence

Hmm - well possibly this does but there's no real way of rectifying it except to keep sending him emails until you're happy that the final one you've sent doesn't make you sound this way. Unfortunately sending more e-mails will just contribute to the impression that you're desperate.

 

 

My advice is to let it go and let this remain your last e-mail no matter how you think it makes you seem. You're in the position where you can't do any better now.

[whichwayisup]

I know. I often remember this. He is going through a lot.

 

And will continue to go through a lot. Having a child whether it's a young kid, teen or young adult who suffers from mental illness IS stressful. You don't want to be this man's escape from his life, you deserve better.

[cozycottagelg]

It sounds like it's time to let him go. And don't let him resurface. Not because you don't want to, because clearly, you do, but how many times is he going to do this? You can only do the back and forth so many times before you've exhausted yourself completely.

 

It isn't fair to you for him to go back and forth all the time. Yes, it's an affair and there is no "fair" when it comes to them, but it certainly isn't fair for him to allow you to open yourself up and become vulnerable, and then he decides he needs to work on his marriage and family. He IS doing the right thing, not arguing that, but it's at your emotional expense. Good luck.

[beautiful_day]

1. Marriage counseling to find out why you are lonely in your marriage. I suspect your marriage didn't seem so bad until the OM caught your eye. Lonely or bored? Tell your husband! How can he fix it if he doesn't know?

 

2. Read some of the betrayed spouse forums to see the unbelievable pain the BS goes through. I'm not sure if this site has one, but talk about marriage is a good one because a lot of betrayed men post there and it's very busy. Your husband could still find out. He probably suspects something is going on with you.

 

3. Project forward ... you are going to feel A LOT better in a couple of months if you keep up no contact.

 

4. I get it that sometimes a marriage is over, and if you don't have kids, you need to release your husband so he can find someone who does love him. Don't steal his life away from him. But you can't think clearly and make such a huge decision about your marriage until you get some distance from the affair.

[RickFox]

I dont think I saw anyone else say this but in all honesty, you were used by an adept player. He got what he wanted, saw how needy and clingy you are/were and backed off.

 

Sure you might hear from him again someday in the future, but it will only be because he needs to get the excitement in his life which will differ from his boring mundane stressful life at home.

 

You've wasted enough time on him....

[yesplease]

I dont think I saw anyone else say this but in all honesty, you were used by an adept player. He got what he wanted, saw how needy and clingy you are/were and backed off.

 

Sure you might hear from him again someday in the future, but it will only be because he needs to get the excitement in his life which will differ from his boring mundane stressful life at home.

 

You've wasted enough time on him....

 

I am completely aware that I was being used. What affair isn't about using the other person?But, as the song says, "If it feels this good being used, keep on using me until you use me up.".

 

Where I am more upset is the fact that he initiated "no contact" without even confirming that is what he was planning to do. It would irk me either way, but I would prefer to *know* that I'm being ignored -- or at the very least a note to say, "Hey, got your message. Sorry if I'm being a jerk, but for the sake of my sanity, I've got to ignore you indefinitely."

 

That. Is. All.

Edited October 22, 2013 by yesplease

[truthbetold]

No offense taken. I get where you're coming from. Twisted or not, he and I often talked about religion. In fact, after our first kiss, he told me that he felt very "blessed" to meet me. Strange, I know...

 

Then, when I first broke it off with him because I was struggling with the morality of it all, he wrote me this email in which he said that he believed in God (devout Catholic) but he did not believe God would want us to be lonely, sexless, or miserable. That is how he justified his side of the affair.

 

I tend to take a similar view of God as my xMM, though. God knows my heart and He knows my sins. So, I haven't hesitated to pray about this affair -- and whether or not it is a sign that I am done with my marriage. He does give us beauty for ashes. My affair can be interpreted as ashes. That doesn't mean that I can't learn and experience something beautiful as a result of it.

 

Also, I don't believe in "grades" of sin. We all sin and come short on a daily basis. The sin of sex is no different (to me) than the sin of a white lie. And for all my trying, I know that I am doomed to sin in some way or another -- it's just human nature. Some people's sin is gluttony, mine is illicit sex.

When I mentioned that I prayed for my MM, it was more a reference to his family situation and his son. He is going through a lot right now. Hence our break up. He didn't feel he had the "emotional stamina" to commit to an affair. According to him, he is a 100% kind of guy. He didn't want to half do our affair. Yes, more craziness...I know...

 

The whole affair business is pretty screwy no matter how you look at it, so if I am "off" in my thinking (or he is "off"), that doesn't surprise me at all. What I am sure of is that I have let this man totally get inside my head and I'm ready to have my power back.

 

Um, yeah I seriously hope you realize that's not what's intended in God's message. As a Christian we're held to higher standards. No matter "which" religion all follow the 10 commandments and scripture. Jesus said "go and sin no more" not "keep it up because hey you're human" It doesn't work that way, if you "realize" it's a sin then you have an obligation to God to eradicate your life from that sin with his help, not be aware of it and keep doing it and be absolved from it. You're missing the point if you think so. And you brought religion into, I wouldn't have commented, but I find it interesting how people will call themselves holding to their religious values and yet cherry pick scripture. No one forces you to be Christian or even go to church but to make a mockery of what you supposedly believe makes no sense.

 

I am completely aware that I was being used. What affair isn't about using the other person?But, as the song says, "If it feels this good being used, keep on using me until you use me up.".

 

Where I am more upset is the fact that he initiated "no contact" without even confirming that is what he was planning to do. It would irk me either way, but I would prefer to *know* that I'm being ignored -- or at the very least a note to say, "Hey, got your message. Sorry if I'm being a jerk, but for the sake of my sanity, I've got to ignore you indefinitely."

 

That. Is. All.

 

Incredibly sad for you to have this belief, Do you think that's what will bring you joy? Taking the greatest gift of love and twisting it? I'm not a BW or OW usually I comment on the single OW because I want women to see they can do and have so richer fulfilling lives when living authentically.But your married, again your choice to be married but to make a mockery of that too, you owe your husband more than that. You sound pretty broken, not just bored to have this outlook. I really hope you gain clarity as time passes. Right now it really sounds as if it's all hurt ego talking. This is not how real love is expressed.

[ComingInHot]

Truthbetold wrote, " Um, yeah I seriously hope you realize that's not what's intended in God's message. As a Christian we're held to higher standards. No matter "which" religion all follow the 10 commandments and scripture. Jesus said "go and sin no more" not "keep it up because hey you're human" It doesn't work that way, if you "realize" it's a sin then you have an obligation to God to eradicate your life from that sin with his help, not be aware of it and keep doing it and be absolved from it. You're missing the point if you think so. And you brought religion into, I wouldn't have commented, but I find it interesting how people will call themselves holding to their religious values and yet cherry pick scripture. No one forces you to be Christian or even go to church but to make a mockery of what you supposedly believe makes no sense."

 

Than you than you Thank You!! And this cheating MM has the same "views" And Holds responsibility W/In their church.

 

...makes me consider becoming Jewish... (which - disclaimer - I HIGHLY Respect*)

But it's people who claim to be of a faith but only practice what "works" for them is ultimately what turns Others away. People aren't stupid. They can see hypocricy a mile away...

 

OP no more letters, lose the ego, drop the facade w/Your H & Church, ask forgiveness, then Go and sin no more!