wantmyselfback Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 So I was finally able to ask for a trial separation, I wanted to ask for a divorce but thought this would be easier to get the words out. I started the convo by telling him I hadn't been wearing my rings for 6 months and he never noticed, he pretty much told me he didn't care that he had taken his off too and I hadn't noticed (I did it was 2 weeks ago) He said he took them off bc he felt there was nothing here for him and he felt as though we weren't in a marriage. I told him I didn't want half of our house or our other assets just for him to pay off my vehicle (bday present) and let me keep it. I also showed him what he would have to pay and said I would be fine with half that. He wants to go to court and have the judge decide. I'm pretty sure the judge would give me more than I am asking from the sounds of what the lawyer said. I don't want half I just want what he feels is fair, weird I know. He said he wants the kids a week at a time even though our youngest ones are 3 and 7. I offered him Friday nights till Monday mornings and some evenings, and asking for only one weekend a month with them. I told him a week at a time doesn't make sense bc I am a sahm and he works full time. He said he would put them in daycare! Why when I am able to care for them!! That is ridiculous! Then he proceeded to blame me for everything but said he wasn't blaming me. Everything he brought up I had an argument for too bc it wasn't always truthful what he was saying. He said there was no way he was giving me that much money and no way I could keep my vehicle, that I would be living in an apartment, he implied he wouldn't pay for my eldest (which I realize he doesn't have too but still I thought he would). I am really torn about him trying to take the kids. I thought I was being more than fair with what I asked him for but he just doesn't see it. I am back peddling now. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should be Mrs Stepford and keep my mouth shut, cook and clean. I can't bear the thought of being away from my kids. I had just come to terms with my offer and being away from them and now he wants them for a week at a time and to put them in daycare. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I expected to much of him in return. Maybe him wanting me to be this other woman is the right thing for my kids. I feel like telling him I made a mistake and want to work things out but deep down inside I don't think he will change. He has been trying I do see that but in none of the ways I specifically told him I needed him to change. I asked him to tell me he loves me once a day, to be intimate with me more often, to help me out around the house when he sees I need it, to cut me some slack on the days I do not live up to his high expectations and more. He has cut me some slack but that is about it. Am I doing the right thing? How do I know? Should I comply to be Mrs Stepford for my kids? Please help me someone. I am so scared of making the worst decision for my kids. Am I being selfish for wanting to be treated better? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Do you have an attorney? You need better and more individualized advice than you'll get here. Talk to a lawyer... Mr. Lucky Edited October 21, 2013 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Agree with Mr. Lucky, you need to speak with an attorney. Don't base your decision on what your husband says. It isn't up to him. Try to get some counseling also. Only you can decide what is right for your kids, but every single soul on this earth deserves to be happy. I am so sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wantmyselfback Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 I did have a free consultation with a lawyer. She wanted me to go for half of everything. I told her I only wanted the vehicle and she kept telling me to nevermind about the vehicle that I was entitled to more. I just don't want a messy divorce although I guess no one does. I just thought he would be more civil about this for the kids. And the fact that I am asking for peanuts compared to what the lawyer said I could get. Link to post Share on other sites
melissag Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Does he refuse to work on the M? Did he say he agrees that you should get D, or was he being a PIA to try to talk you out of it? Do you think that there is no hope here? Is it possible to have a real convo about your marriage? If not, I don't think there is much you can do. Hopefully you can convince him that having a judge who knows nothing about you decide what happens to your finances and your children is the worst possible outcome. Not only because most likely, neither of you will end up happy with the decisions, but also because it will take much longer and cost a ton of $$. If he is being combative about it because he is trying to make it not happen, then maybe there needs to be a discussion about whether he is willing to go to MC or otherwise work on the M. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 You're right. No one likes a messy divorce, especially involving the kids, but you do need to protect yourself. If you want to keep it civil, maybe see a mediator to help the two of you negotiate and keep it civil. One of the primary reasons I stayed for 30+ years was because I didn't want to see my kids part time and neither did he. I can't really say whether it was the right decision, but I did spend a very long time keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace. I lost touch with myself in that process and I'm just now starting to realize how much I was just existing instead of living. If you do decide to stay, hopefully you are both open to counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
checkoutat10 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Then he proceeded to blame me for everything but said he wasn't blaming me. Wantmyself, I don't have any advice as I'm in a similar situation with my marriage...but I just wanted to say, my H pulls this on me constantly!!! It is so infuriating and frustrating! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too, am struggling to determine whether I am headed for the worst mistake of my life or if I should just try harder, be quieter. But then, I don't want to live like that either! How in the world can anyone know the best way to proceed when considering divorce (in the absence of bigger problems like infidelity or abuse)?? I wish you the best of luck. I've been reading here for several months before joining, there is some great advice to be had. Link to post Share on other sites
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