Married friend showing interest?

[Peachfrosting07]

Ok so heres goes nothing. I have to be quite honest here because I need to get this off my chest since it's been brewing in my head for so long. I'm currently married to my husband of 6 years and we have twin toddlers together. I married my husband the same year I graduated high school so I was definitely pretty young and naive. Over the years we've had our very rough times and and we've had our good times. I would say right now you could call it a rough time again. I'd say I absolutely regret the decision I made to get married that young and and not live life to get to know myself better and see who else was out there, but I stay because I made the vow, I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my girls) and I feel a responsibility toward god in keeping it.

 

So, fast fowarding to today. My husband and I have friends who are married, 5 years now. It's no secret that they're not the happiest with each other because they make it well known, at least to me. They also have a toddler and just found out today they have one on the way. So right now we go over their house on occasion for a play date for the girls. They also go to the same church as us and he holds certain responsibilities, so he has a good name in the church as well.

 

So heres the thing. I don't know how to read this guy at all. He is the sarcastic type but as of lets say the past year more or less, I've been catching him staring at me hard, turning away at times when I catch him, he smiles all special everytime we make eye contact, he's been teasing me like crazy, he's compared himself with my husband (for example mentioning the work he's done around the house and then saying "[name] doesn't do those things does he?" ), he's complimented my hair saying it looked "lustrous" and felt it for a split second, complimented my earings and got so close to them feeling my earing in his hand, complimented my whole get up saying i looked nice as soon as i walked in the door...

 

At one point (a couple weeks ago) i was holding my daughter and he cracked a joke about her hair being messy but then stated that she has that good hair unlike his daughter in which i laughed a little but said thats messed up. so after saying this he took it upon himself to try to smooth down her hair and put it behind her all all gentle and what not, but we were standing there for a good 20 seconds before he got interupted.

 

He seems to make his presence known everytime im around in ways like touching my arm to say hi, etc. Another thing are the things he says to me including..."hey, its nice to see you" (which idont hear him say to anyone else), he tells me (in front of anyone including his wife being in the same room but i think he thinks shes not paying attention) that he's glad were getting close, and when i say why? whats the point? and he responds with things like because the closer we get the more i can help you and guide you and be there for you. i told him he's weird because of the way he looks at me and today he said he stares at me to read me, to get to know what my needs are. then he says somethin about (but all of this is in a playful manner by the way) that his goal to break me down and get close.

 

I forgot to say about a month ago while all the guys were laughing about somethin, i was leaning on a table and he nudged me with something and i looked back n said now what was the point in that? and he responded with "i like you".

Now, I know all of this sounds so obvious and probably straightforward, but to me I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if he really is joking because he's not even giving second thought, or if he really is being serious in his talk, maybe even trying to test the waters to see how far he can take it.

 

The way he says all of this sounds so light and playful, like he's just playing with me. But, I was once told that whatever a guy says don't ever read past what they say, because they are almost always straightforward and to the point. I just don't understand how he could act like this all with his wife in the same room most of the time.

 

Now, I do have to say I have never put myself in a situation where we are alone, or had conversations over the phone or anything like that. I guess what my problem is, is that I'm seriously diggin the attention. I think he is very attractive, and I'm not gonna lie I do fantasize about him. I already know and have played it out in my mind that it's not possible AT ALL to have a relationship with him nor is it right at all, especially since were both married, have kids, and im his friends wife. So, that would be pretty jacked. At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down? I mean, would that fuel the fire or could that possibly be a solution to stop this at its tracks?

 

PLEASE whoever responds, know that I'm really trying to fight this n not start something, and please don't be rude in your responses.

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[whichwayisup]

It is nice to feel desired by someone else other than your spouse, we all enjoy that kind of attention, it's a great ego feed to flirt and joke around ... AS LONG as that is all it is. The problem here is, you're getting used to it and soon will rely on him to make you feel good, feel sexy and to have that 'zing' you feel..That feeling is addictive. Him paying attention to you coyly is addictive as well and it takes no time before you become attached and relying on him too much which will make you automatically detach from your own husband. It's already happening a bit since you're thinking of him too often, sexually as well.

 

It is good you're not putting yourself in a situation where something could happen. You (and him) have A LOT to lose, as well as uprooting and devastating innocent kids and of course your spouses. An ego feed and feeling good is NOT worth throwing away all that you know and love.

 

Get busy and date your husband again! Drop the kids off at the grandparents, and have fun together. Forget this so called friend, it's trouble with a capital T! Go read Rae's story in this section, mixing friendships and affair --- She lost everything and is alone now.

 

Really think about what it is you're looking for..

 

Connect with women friends, keep busy, get new hobbies, spend time with family and again, bond and have fun with your husband. Tell him you need some excitement! Hopefully he'll be game and make time to be with you.

[whatatangledweb]

Do not tell him you want to talk. That could lead somewhere you say you do not want it to go.

 

It's about boundaries. Yes, it is nice to know people find you attractive but you have to ease out of it. You can step back when he steps too close to you.If he gives a compliment say thanks and change the topic. Don't allow him to say or do things he would not do if your husband was standing next to you. You can do it kindly and if he gets more aggressive then you say I am married , knock it off.

[SidLyon]

Ok so heres goes nothing. I have to be quite honest here because I need to get this off my chest since it's been brewing in my head for so long. I'm currently married to my husband of 6 years and we have twin toddlers together. I married my husband the same year I graduated high school so I was definitely pretty young and naive. Over the years we've had our very rough times and and we've had our good times. I would say right now you could call it a rough time again. I'd say I absolutely regret the decision I made to get married that young and and not live life to get to know myself better and see who else was out there, but I stay because I made the vow, I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my girls) and I feel a responsibility toward god in keeping it.

 

So, fast fowarding to today. My husband and I have friends who are married, 5 years now. It's no secret that they're not the happiest with each other because they make it well known, at least to me. They also have a toddler and just found out today they have one on the way. So right now we go over their house on occasion for a play date for the girls. They also go to the same church as us and he holds certain responsibilities, so he has a good name in the church as well.

 

So heres the thing. I don't know how to read this guy at all. He is the sarcastic type but as of lets say the past year more or less, I've been catching him staring at me hard, turning away at times when I catch him, he smiles all special everytime we make eye contact, he's been teasing me like crazy, he's compared himself with my husband (for example mentioning the work he's done around the house and then saying "[name] doesn't do those things does he?" ), he's complimented my hair saying it looked "lustrous" and felt it for a split second, complimented my earings and got so close to them feeling my earing in his hand, complimented my whole get up saying i looked nice as soon as i walked in the door...

at one point (a couple weeks ago) i was holding my daughter and he cracked a joke about her hair being messy but then stated that she has that good hair unlike his daughter in which i laughed a little but said thats messed up. so after saying this he took it upon himself to try to smooth down her hair and put it behind her all all gentle and what not, but we were standing there for a good 20 seconds before he got interupted. he seems to make his presence known everytime im around in ways like touching my arm to say hi, etc.

another thing are the things he says to me including..."hey, its nice to see you" (which idont hear him say to anyone else), he tells me (in front of anyone including his wife being in the same room but i think he thinks shes not paying attention) that he's glad were getting close, and when i say why? whats the point? and he responds with things like because the closer we get the more i can help you and guide you and be there for you. i told him he's weird because of the way he looks at me and today he said he stares at me to read me, to get to know what my needs are. then he says somethin about (but all of this is in a playful manner by the way) that his goal to break me down and get close. I forgot to say about a month ago while all the guys were laughing about somethin, i was leaning on a table and he nudged me with something and i looked back n said now what was the point in that? and he responded with "i like you".

Now, I know all of this sounds so obvious and probably straightforward, but to me I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if he really is joking because he's not even giving second thought, or if he really is being serious in his talk, maybe even trying to test the waters to see how far he can take it. The way he says all of this sounds so light and playful, like he's just playing with me. But, I was once told that whatever a guy says don't ever read past what they say, because they are almost always straightforward and to the point. I just don't understand how he could act like this all with his wife in the same room most of the time.

 

Now, I do have to say I have never put myself in a situation where we are alone, or had conversations over the phone or anything like that. I guess what my problem is, is that I'm seriously diggin the attention. I think he is very attractive, and I'm not gonna lie I do fantasize about him. I already know and have played it out in my mind that it's not possible AT ALL to have a relationship with him nor is it right at all, especially since were both married, have kids, and im his friends wife. So, that would be pretty jacked. At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down? I mean, would that fuel the fire or could that possibly be a solution to stop this at its tracks?

 

PLEASE whoever responds, know that I'm really trying to fight this n not start something, and please don't be rude in your responses.

 

 

When you say you are considering telling him how he makes you feel, are you planning to be honest and tell him that you fantasise about him, enjoy the attention and that there's no way it can go further? If so, that's a sure fire way of ensuring that it does go further, as you'll both be on the same page with feeding the "star crossed lovers" fantasy. I'm sure you already know this or ought to at any rate.

 

 

My recommendation is that if you genuinely don't want it to go further then to tell him, in the presence of both his wife and your husband, that his attention to you is unwanted and makes you feel uncomfortable and that you want it to stop. I bet you won't do that though. So maybe tell your husband of the attention this guy is paying you and then tell the guy that you and your husband want it to stop.

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dreamworld]

At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down? I mean, would that fuel the fire or could that possibly be a solution to stop this at its tracks?

 

PLEASE whoever responds, know that I'm really trying to fight this n not start something, and please don't be rude in your responses.

 

Ok I hope I don't end up sounding rude, I just want to be honest.

 

If you do end up telling him how he makes you feel, I am not going to believe you about "really trying to fight this and not start something" This will just fuel the fire big time and I think deep down you know what you are doing. Sorry but I have seen too much of this not to think otherwise, (happening at my workplace right now) which is why I don't have much tolerance for women who encourage these guys on and then go "oh does he like me? oh what is he thinking? he's asking me for lunch, I'll go with him to see what he feels etc" when they damn well know what they are doing.

 

If you honestly honestly don't want this going on, I don't think it would be that hard to just tell him straight out to quit it or tell your husband the guy is bothering you. I have married guys come on to me and I tell them straight out I am not interested and they back down real quick. I have been in an affair before and I know the difference between putting down my foot and encouraging them. I know because I have done the encouraging. (not proud of it)

 

I understand liking the attention though, but if you truly are honest about not wanting to go any further, just tell him to stop. It's really not that hard if you have your mind to it. Again, my apologies if I sound rude. I guess I am just really jaded about this kind of stuff. Cheers and welcome.

[rumbleseat]

It sounds like you know something is "off", and are trying to do something about it.Good for you. many people never recognize that and get in way over their heads.

 

It sounds like you had a lot on your plate ( raising twins can't be easy) and you are still pretty young. Again, kudos to your for being mature enough to realize there is a problem and to ask for help. You have a lot of wisdom for your age.

 

I would suggest that your first step would be to talk with your husband. Even if you don't feel comfortable talking about this other guy's advances, it still sounds as if you two have some issues to work through. It also sounds as if you are both religious people, so is there maybe someone in your church like the pastor or minister who would be able to either counsel you or help you find a marriage counselor who would be a good for for you both?

 

no one can fault you for wanting to feel good about yourself. We all enjoy compliments and a boost to our ego, but this is a dangerous way to get that. If you do go down that path, you'll be hurting a lot of people who trust and care about you, and you won't be able to take any of it back.

[2sure]

You don't need to "talk" with him. Even if you are njoying the attention the right thing to do for yourself, your husband , and your children is to say:

 

Your behavior toward me and your conversation sometimes seems out of line and that makes me uncomfortable.

 

Say it in a friendly non confrontational way. If his response is denial recognize it for the manipulation it is.

 

Because you prefaced the post by saying you never should have married your husband, that you stay for the kids, and that your "religion" prevents you from divorcing....you have already justified further damaging your marriage because your goodness prevents you fom leaving.

 

For some people unhappy in their marriages, who do not want to hurt their families, or divorce for religious regions....this type of crisis prompts an honest conversation or MC with their spouse.

[JamesM]

I married my husband the same year I graduated high school so I was definitely pretty young and naive. Over the years we've had our very rough times and and we've had our good times. I would say right now you could call it a rough time again.

 

So, fast fowarding to today. My husband and I have friends who are married, 5 years now. It's no secret that they're not the happiest with each other because they make it well known, at least to me. They also have a toddler and just found out today they have one on the way.

 

I think if you can simply look at this objectively a moment and understand why this dynamic is going on, then you can realize that it is dangerous for you and your marriage. It is about a man in an unhappy situation preying on a woman who he sees in an unhappy situation.

 

It is not about love at all for him or for you.

 

He is unhappy in his marriage according to you and he lives with a pregnant wife who probably gives him even less attention than she normally would. They are stressed with children, pregnancy, and a lack of closeness.

 

Plus......

 

You are in an unhappy marriage. You and your husband are not close. You are feeling restless because you feel that you never really looked.

 

Plus......

 

You both are emotionally needy and are enjoying the excitement of another person's affection. He is enjoying the pursuit and is excitedly fantasizing about the two of you. What really bothers me is that he is putting down your husband....THAT above all should anger you. "Friend?" "Good standing in the church?" NOT! Enemy of God, your husband, AND the church.

 

This equals disaster with no positive end in sight.

 

So, what to do? Stop him in his tracks. As was said, mention it to your husband. Tell him that you did not encourage it, and tell him that it may be nothing, but it makes you uncomfortable. Tell him not to confront the "friend," but to please pay attention and step in when he sees something occurring. A few times of this and your "friend" will get the message.

 

At this point, I would not recommend talking to the wife. It would be less damaging for the two of them if you went through your husband and quietly stopped it.

 

Good luck, and glad you recognize the potential for disaster. Wish we all could see it so clearly.

[Peachfrosting07]

Thanks everyone for ur great ideas. So, heres the thing. I HAVE talked to my husband about it. I tell him on the regular, little things that this guy does that's weird toward me and so on. My husband is so non chalant (and has for just about everything since we've been married which is a huge problem) that it's just rolls right off his shoulder. He actually thinks its a little comical because he just sees it as cheap attempts for attention n so on. My husband IS in the same room everytime this guy starts conversation with me and not once has my husband stepped in or walked over. My husband is the type of person that whenever he feels something negative is going on, he just lets it happen because he doesn't see the point in putting forth effort to stop it, he says whatever happens is going to happen thats his motto. Also, we ARE going to marriage counseling, ironically enough. We've just gone to 2 sessions so far but we have a LONG way to go before things get better. I sincerely don't feel like we are right for each other, but thats neither here nor there.

About confronting the guy, theres some good points on here about how it'll just fuel the fire. I guess I was thinking about the type of person that this guy is and giving him the benefit of doubt that maybe he's been innocently talking and acting like this not really thinking about how it looks or sounds. Thats why I didnt want to confront in a way saying ur making me uncomfortable with this and that, because im thinking that what if he doesnt even know what im talking about. I was thinking that maybe if I explained to him the things he's been saying and doing and how they look and sound and to tell him how its making me feel and that it needs to stop. I know it sounds all so stupid, but thats whats been going through my head. And also I guess I care too much about hurting people feelings, because to give him the cold shoulder would make it look like im mad at him and he's the type to dig and ask whats wrong and why am i acting a certain way, because thats what he was doing at first.

Everyones right about him not being a true friend to my H though, im really not sure if the guy realizes this though, because like I said he surely has a interesting personality.

So, all in all I think that I'll try to let him know that his actions and words aren't good at least? I hope thats the right thing to do at the least

[ComingInHot]

peachfrosting, Here is my take on what I have read so far; PLEASE DO NOT take any of this as Rude or callous!! I am coming from a place that has witnessed what you are going through First Hand and now can see it coming a Mile away.

And if you are SERIOUS about "stopping this thing in its tracks", take the below to heart and get right with Your Creator that you have mentioned more than once in your thread topic. If you believe what you Say you do, then you already Know you are not 'right" with Him.

Good Luck!*

 

Excuse #1: I would say right now you could call it a rough time again.

Makes you "Ripe" for an A and justifying it.

Excuse #2: I absolutely regret the decision I made to get married that young.

Allowing yourself to believe your M was a "mistake"

Excuse #3: not live life to get to know myself better and see who else was out there.

Acknowledging that you are side-glancing at what you have missed out on.

Excuse #4: they're not the happiest with each other.

Letting yourself "see" an opportunity to cheat

Excuse #5: I'm seriously diggin the attention. I think he is very attractive, and I'm not gonna lie I do fantasize about him.

It's ALL innocent and in my mind so not a "sin" or any wrong doing...yet and besides, it makes me "feeeeel" good.

Excuse #6: At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down?

Our VERY FIRST one on one conversation to discuss our feelings and urges but done with only the best intentions... "what Should I wear"?!?!

 

Grooming #1: he's compared himself with my husband (for example mentioning the work he's done around the house and then saying "[name] doesn't do those things does he?" ),

He is telling you he is BETTER than your H in hopes you start believing it

Grooming #2: I've been catching him staring at me hard, turning away at times when I catch him, he smiles all special everytime we make eye contact, he's been teasing me like crazy

Flirting and making You feel "special" to suck you in to believing you are his "real" one and only.

Grooming #3: make his presence known everytime im around in ways like touching my arm to say hi

Getting you "used" to his touches so when the "bigger" touches come, you'll be more comfortable.

Grooming #4: he tells me (in front of anyone including his wife being in the same room but i think he thinks shes not paying attention) that he's glad were getting close, and when i say why? whats the point? and he responds with things like because the closer we get the more i can help you and guide you and be there for you

Now he is Grooming All Parties to appear the "mentor" or Teacher" so everyone will accept his "role" and not question when the A starts.

Grooming #5: he stares at me to read me, to get to know what my needs are. then he says somethin about (but all of this is in a playful manner by the way) that his goal to break me down and get close.

Using what he has Learned in Church M counseling or Men's group about "His Needs/Her Needs so he can fulfill them and get you coming back for more (smart Jackhole on this one)

 

Role Playing the Victim/Martyr #1: I stay because I made the vow, I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my girls) and I feel a responsibility toward God in keeping it.

Convincing yourself that you are a good Christian woman of God

Role Playing the Victim/Martyr#2: They also go to the same church as us and he holds certain responsibilities, so he has a good name in the church as well.

Letting yourself believe MM is a Good Christian Man of God so what "bad" could come from 2 believers getting together.

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Speakingofwhich]

Peach, I would tell this man who is flirting with you that he should be directing his kind comments to his wife, not to you. When he compliments you, you could say, "Bet W would love to hear you say that to her!" Just always direct his attention back to his W with whatever he says to you. Every single time. If he doesn't catch on to what you're doing then you can add to your replies. "Bet W would love to hear you say that to her and I would rather hear comments like that from my husband only." Or even, "I really don't care to hear comments like that anymore." You'll figure it out. This type of response works, I've used it.

 

Otherwise, you're in for a lot of trouble and heartache that could change your entire life's course and that of your children.

[underwater2010]

Not being rude just blunt so here it goes.

 

You seem to be pretty sure he is flirting with you and obviously it makes feel good yet a tad uncomfortable. That means it is time to make sure it stops.

 

You are walking what is called a slippery slope. All it takes is for things to go a little further south in your marriage and you will have the "excuse" you need.

 

STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!! Make excuses as to why you cannot be around him.

 

And by the way any man that knocks his own kid to make you feel good is slim.

[underwater2010]

Thanks everyone for ur great ideas. So, heres the thing. I HAVE talked to my husband about it. I tell him on the regular, little things that this guy does that's weird toward me and so on. My husband is so non chalant (and has for just about everything since we've been married which is a huge problem) that it's just rolls right off his shoulder. He actually thinks its a little comical because he just sees it as cheap attempts for attention n so on.

 

And your husband is right. It is cheap attempts to see how far you are willing to take things. Any person can throw out compliments and give you a little attention, but is he going to be there to take care of the bills and kids?

 

My husband IS in the same room everytime this guy starts conversation with me and not once has my husband stepped in or walked over. My husband is the type of person that whenever he feels something negative is going on, he just lets it happen because he doesn't see the point in putting forth effort to stop it, he says whatever happens is going to happen thats his motto.

 

It is NOT your husband's job to step in. You are a grown woman and should have enough sense to stop it yourself. Is your husband going to be there every time some random guy hits on you? Or does all this bother you because he is not acting jealous?

 

Also, we ARE going to marriage counseling, ironically enough. We've just gone to 2 sessions so far but we have a LONG way to go before things get better. I sincerely don't feel like we are right for each other, but thats neither here nor there.

 

Actually not thinking that you are right for each other is very important in a marriage. All it does is breed negative feelings. And if things are truly that bad and you cannot see him as a life long partner....then you need to end the marriage. But before you do, why not give counseling a try. You might find out what exactly the two of you are missing in each other.

 

About confronting the guy, theres some good points on here about how it'll just fuel the fire. I guess I was thinking about the type of person that this guy is and giving him the benefit of doubt that maybe he's been innocently talking and acting like this not really thinking about how it looks or sounds. Thats why I didnt want to confront in a way saying ur making me uncomfortable with this and that, because im thinking that what if he doesnt even know what im talking about. I was thinking that maybe if I explained to him the things he's been saying and doing and how they look and sound and to tell him how its making me feel and that it needs to stop. I know it sounds all so stupid, but thats whats been going through my head. And also I guess I care too much about hurting people feelings, because to give him the cold shoulder would make it look like im mad at him and he's the type to dig and ask whats wrong and why am i acting a certain way, because thats what he was doing at first.

 

You don't have to say anything, but I am busy. And if you are hanging with your friend and he comes home....come up with an excuse to leave. He knows exactly what he is doing. And so do you.

 

Everyones right about him not being a true friend to my H though, im really not sure if the guy realizes this though, because like I said he surely has a interesting personality.

 

And you allowing him to continue this behavior makes you a lousy friend to his wife. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if your husband was behaving this way?

 

So, all in all I think that I'll try to let him know that his actions and words aren't good at least? I hope thats the right thing to do at the least

 

Good luck with that.....but I foresee him pushing even further, because you picked up on his attention.

 

 

see bolded.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's not hard to guess why he and his wife are not getting along! You can rest assured that this isn't his first rodeo.

 

If you need help with your marriage, seek a professional. This guy is manipulating you and you can bet that he can decern who would be flattered by his slimeball advances and who would be insulted from a mile away.

 

Don't let his position in the church fool you. He's acting inappropriately and you know it, it's not because of some incredible attraction or because you're more special than any other girl he's done this to (though I'm sure you are special) its a game that he plays. It's disrespectful to everyone involved and he get his jollies out of it.

 

Don't play along with his sick game. Stay away from this guy. Tell your husband how you feel or get into MC. Sorry you are faced with this but learn from it and make the best decision for your family.

[2sunny]

Be honest - you enjoy the attention and you would actually consider banging him if no one ever found out.

 

 

If you don't cut the "friendship" off all together - you will end up having an affair with him.

 

Get counseling. Find out why you need this random guy to validate your feelings - and why you would even think about him at all...putting your M on the line to consider this MM.

 

He's grooming you - he will bang you when you give the green light - but it's ALL ON YOU - because YOU allow yourself to feel so good with such little attention from some flirting guy.

 

Tell your H that you are weak for this guy - and that you might consider doing him on a bad day with your H...and get help to find out why you would even consider risking your M for such a douchebag! He isn't a friend of your marriage! Cut off all ties with that dirtbag!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being an adult means we enforce our OWN boundaries. Telling your husband was the right thing, however expecting him to handle it, is not. Going to him for advice..again ...the right thing. If after telling him (the OM) that you are not open to this type of interaction, then you give consequences. Such as, not being around him at all, using stronger language, include your husband, telling his wife..etc..whatever you decide.

 

Women need to stop being damsels in distress looking for men to validate them or rescue them.

 

Personally, I do not see the attraction in weakness for either gender. I am not interested in being anyone's body guard/enforcer/parent or conscience.

[Quiet Storm]

peachfrosting, Here is my take on what I have read so far; PLEASE DO NOT take any of this as Rude or callous!! I am coming from a place that has witnessed what you are going through First Hand and now can see it coming a Mile away.

And if you are SERIOUS about "stopping this thing in its tracks", take the below to heart and get right with Your Creator that you have mentioned more than once in your thread topic. If you believe what you Say you do, then you already Know you are not 'right" with Him.

Good Luck!*

 

Excuse #1: I would say right now you could call it a rough time again.

Makes you "Ripe" for an A and justifying it.

Excuse #2: I absolutely regret the decision I made to get married that young.

Allowing yourself to believe your M was a "mistake"

Excuse #3: not live life to get to know myself better and see who else was out there.

Acknowledging that you are side-glancing at what you have missed out on.

Excuse #4: they're not the happiest with each other.

Letting yourself "see" an opportunity to cheat

Excuse #5: I'm seriously diggin the attention. I think he is very attractive, and I'm not gonna lie I do fantasize about him.

It's ALL innocent and in my mind so not a "sin" or any wrong doing...yet and besides, it makes me "feeeeel" good.

Excuse #6: At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down?

Our VERY FIRST one on one conversation to discuss our feelings and urges but done with only the best intentions... "what Should I wear"?!?!

 

Grooming #1: he's compared himself with my husband (for example mentioning the work he's done around the house and then saying "[name] doesn't do those things does he?" ),

He is telling you he is BETTER than your H in hopes you start believing it

Grooming #2: I've been catching him staring at me hard, turning away at times when I catch him, he smiles all special everytime we make eye contact, he's been teasing me like crazy

Flirting and making You feel "special" to suck you in to believing you are his "real" one and only.

Grooming #3: make his presence known everytime im around in ways like touching my arm to say hi

Getting you "used" to his touches so when the "bigger" touches come, you'll be more comfortable.

Grooming #4: he tells me (in front of anyone including his wife being in the same room but i think he thinks shes not paying attention) that he's glad were getting close, and when i say why? whats the point? and he responds with things like because the closer we get the more i can help you and guide you and be there for you

Now he is Grooming All Parties to appear the "mentor" or Teacher" so everyone will accept his "role" and not question when the A starts.

Grooming #5: he stares at me to read me, to get to know what my needs are. then he says somethin about (but all of this is in a playful manner by the way) that his goal to break me down and get close.

Using what he has Learned in Church M counseling or Men's group about "His Needs/Her Needs so he can fulfill them and get you coming back for more (smart Jackhole on this one)

 

Role Playing the Victim/Martyr #1: I stay because I made the vow, I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my girls) and I feel a responsibility toward God in keeping it.

Convincing yourself that you are a good Christian woman of God

Role Playing the Victim/Martyr#2: They also go to the same church as us and he holds certain responsibilities, so he has a good name in the church as well.

Letting yourself believe MM is a Good Christian Man of God so what "bad" could come from 2 believers getting together.

 

Great post, CIH!

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[The Way I Am]

You did do yourself a disservice getting married so young, because you don't have the dating experience to spot a sleaze ball. I have no idea about how salvageable your marriage is, but I know the moves of a player.

 

Yes, he wants to sleep with you. But I can also tell from your original post that you already know that. You were just hoping people would buy in on your "Maybe it's innocent. I should just have a talk with him" idea or that we'd say "Your marriage isn't working. This guy could be the one for you. Give it a shot." Then you would feel justified in having chat with him and give him to chance to sweep you off your feet and tell you how special you are.

 

That he would blatantly disrespect his wife by saying those things to you in front of her shows that he's bad news. Is the way he treats his wife the way you want a man to treat you?

 

When you told your husband about the advances, did you minimize them? Did you tell him how they made you feel?

[Daisy2013]

Run away, stay away. My A was with a M deacon in my church. He also taught children's church with me. We were long time friends and he begin hitting on me, telling me of his dreams of me, touching me, and talking to me much more than anyone else. I can assure you that you will get hurt if you don't turn and walk away. Just ignore him. Once he has you hooked and you have fallen, if guilt doesn't set in for you, it will for him. Then you will be on a continuous cycle of guilt break-ups and "I want you back" should he truly fall for you. He will be in a battle between his flesh and spirit. God gets to us in our quiet moments and as a Christian, this cannot continue without reflection. The Holy Spirit won't allow it.

[pteromom]

Whether or not you and your husband should stay together is one issue. Keep trying the counseling. Keep trying to make your marriage stronger. See what happens. It may get better. It may fall apart. Too early to say.

 

This "friend" is a separate issue. I get that it feels good to get attention. It feels good to feel desirable. It's a fun escape to fantasize about this guy being everything you dreamed a lover and partner would be... gazing into your eyes with his cute little smile and pretty words.

 

But then, you have to come back to reality.

 

He may be able to make you feel fluttery, but the REALITY is he is a guy who thinks nothing of giving his attention to you while his wife carries his child. The REALITY is he is trying to "break you down", because he wants something from you. Now what do you think that something is? Not a relationship - he already has one of those, and a position in his church he isn't willing to sacrifice. So what else could he want from you? An ego boost? Sex? Whatever it is, it isn't something you want to give him.

 

But if you still find yourself attracted to him, follow it through all the way to the end. Imagine he sweeps you off your feet. He falls in love with you. He leaves his wife and you leave your husband.

 

Now what? You have exes that hate you. You have a church family that thinks you are scum. You have children who are confused and hurt. You are trying to build a new relationship while he flirts with other women in front of you.

 

No. You can do better. Whether "better" is your husband or someone else, you can certainly do better than Mr. Flirty.

 

You need to create and enforce strong boundaries with him. Become an expert at making sarcastic and slightly cutting comebacks. Don't let him use you for an ego boost.

[unodos1011]

EXCELLENT advice from everyone on here. I have nothing to add except that my husband also told me that my friend was trouble before he started an affair with her. I TRUSTED him that he would not stoop so low, that's why it never bothered me, especially since I was also pregnant. I thought there was no way they could both do that to me, but they did. When you follow through with this affair, and you get caught, please don't you dare tell your husband "well I told you he flirted with me".

Edited October 22, 2013 by unodos1011

[rae_lana]

Ok so heres goes nothing. I have to be quite honest here because I need to get this off my chest since it's been brewing in my head for so long. I'm currently married to my husband of 6 years and we have twin toddlers together. I married my husband the same year I graduated high school so I was definitely pretty young and naive. Over the years we've had our very rough times and and we've had our good times. I would say right now you could call it a rough time again. I'd say I absolutely regret the decision I made to get married that young and and not live life to get to know myself better and see who else was out there, but I stay because I made the vow, I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my girls) and I feel a responsibility toward god in keeping it.

 

So, fast fowarding to today. My husband and I have friends who are married, 5 years now. It's no secret that they're not the happiest with each other because they make it well known, at least to me. They also have a toddler and just found out today they have one on the way. So right now we go over their house on occasion for a play date for the girls. They also go to the same church as us and he holds certain responsibilities, so he has a good name in the church as well.

 

So heres the thing. I don't know how to read this guy at all. He is the sarcastic type but as of lets say the past year more or less, I've been catching him staring at me hard, turning away at times when I catch him, he smiles all special everytime we make eye contact, he's been teasing me like crazy, he's compared himself with my husband (for example mentioning the work he's done around the house and then saying "[name] doesn't do those things does he?" ), he's complimented my hair saying it looked "lustrous" and felt it for a split second, complimented my earings and got so close to them feeling my earing in his hand, complimented my whole get up saying i looked nice as soon as i walked in the door...

 

At one point (a couple weeks ago) i was holding my daughter and he cracked a joke about her hair being messy but then stated that she has that good hair unlike his daughter in which i laughed a little but said thats messed up. so after saying this he took it upon himself to try to smooth down her hair and put it behind her all all gentle and what not, but we were standing there for a good 20 seconds before he got interupted.

 

He seems to make his presence known everytime im around in ways like touching my arm to say hi, etc. Another thing are the things he says to me including..."hey, its nice to see you" (which idont hear him say to anyone else), he tells me (in front of anyone including his wife being in the same room but i think he thinks shes not paying attention) that he's glad were getting close, and when i say why? whats the point? and he responds with things like because the closer we get the more i can help you and guide you and be there for you. i told him he's weird because of the way he looks at me and today he said he stares at me to read me, to get to know what my needs are. then he says somethin about (but all of this is in a playful manner by the way) that his goal to break me down and get close.

 

I forgot to say about a month ago while all the guys were laughing about somethin, i was leaning on a table and he nudged me with something and i looked back n said now what was the point in that? and he responded with "i like you".

Now, I know all of this sounds so obvious and probably straightforward, but to me I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if he really is joking because he's not even giving second thought, or if he really is being serious in his talk, maybe even trying to test the waters to see how far he can take it.

 

The way he says all of this sounds so light and playful, like he's just playing with me. But, I was once told that whatever a guy says don't ever read past what they say, because they are almost always straightforward and to the point. I just don't understand how he could act like this all with his wife in the same room most of the time.

 

Now, I do have to say I have never put myself in a situation where we are alone, or had conversations over the phone or anything like that. I guess what my problem is, is that I'm seriously diggin the attention. I think he is very attractive, and I'm not gonna lie I do fantasize about him. I already know and have played it out in my mind that it's not possible AT ALL to have a relationship with him nor is it right at all, especially since were both married, have kids, and im his friends wife. So, that would be pretty jacked. At this point what I want to do is tell him that we need to talk, and tell him how he's been making me feel, ask him if im reading too much into his actions and let him know that he's gotta tone it down? I mean, would that fuel the fire or could that possibly be a solution to stop this at its tracks?

 

PLEASE whoever responds, know that I'm really trying to fight this n not start something, and please don't be rude in your responses.

 

If you talk to him alone about this that's already crossing a boundary. Once crossed you can't go back.

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AutumnMoon]

In my opinion, just enjoy the attention, smile.. Don't play along to much. If you have no intention of it going anywhere, enjoy your fantasies, keep reminding yourself they are JUST fantasies and you would not want to be with him in real life.. Because he would never live up to that reputation.

 

Whether you stay with your husband or not is up to you. But don't let it go without trying... Your marriage.. You have young kids.

 

But life is short, if your not happy leave, or date your husband again.. Tell him how your feeling and what you need from him, you just might fall back in love!

 

Doesn't sound like you want to be with the other guy, you just like the attention. So enjoy it and make your own boundary. Don't cross it. I crossed mine. I'm happy at the moment but that hasn't always been the case and I could be left very hurt in the end I know.

[DreamFinder]

It is NOT your husband's job to step in. You are a grown woman and should have enough sense to stop it yourself. Is your husband going to be there every time some random guy hits on you? Or does all this bother you because he is not acting jealous?

 

I totally agree with this point. I had an ex who would tell me when a guy would hit on her when I wasn't there. I didn't respond because to me I trusted her and I didn't want to come across some jealous, insecure, possessive boyfriend. It was a moot point to me. But then she mentioned it again in the same conversation because I didn't respond the way she wanted me to. I thought that was strange. It's like she was wanting to provoke a reaction from me to make herself feel more wanted/desired. I thought it was a red flag. She was very insecure and needy though.

 

If there's trust and respect in a relationship, there's no need to tell your partner that someone hit on you (or expect your partner to step in if he's in your presence when it is happening). The OP needs to do the right thing by not letting it effect her current relationship. If something is lacking in that relationship then address it and don't allow a third party to get involved. It's not fair to her partner, her kids, or herself. OP, stand strong and brush off this married man's advances and tell him in no uncertain terms firmly that you are not interested and please stop. And work on your own relationship's shortcomings with your husband.

Edited October 22, 2013 by DreamFinder

[Dreamworld]

I refer to my previous post, and reiterate what the general consensus of opinion is here.

 

You are validating this man's behaviour by your refusal to acknowledge it's unacceptability, and you are also disrespecting his wife as well as your own husband, whether he leaps to your defence or not.

 

If you are not happy with the way your husband is non confrontational, then perhaps you could suggest to him that you would quite like it if sometimes he would make such diplomatic gestures that assure the man blatantly offering you the opportunity to embark on an illicit liason that he will protect your honour.

 

Though frankly, I fear your honour is already compromised and you are looking for valid reasons to encourage this man to satisfy what you see as missing in your marriage.

 

I posted earlier as well but I agree with this. I re-read the thread and I keep getting the feeling you want to go further with this and I am not buying the whole honest talk thing you keep mentioning. Otherwise why would it be so hard just to tell him in a civilized way to back off? Or just avoid him. That works too.I can do it I am sure you can. Honestly he sounds like a really big player and I don't think being afraid of hurting his feelings is a priority in this scenario. I hope you don't get further involved. Church. Friends of each other. It is going to be a very messy situation and a lot of people are going to get hurt, including you.