Fear of getting caught or Feeling Guilty

[AutumnMoon]

Suppressing your feelings in regard to your moral compass will only infect other parts of your life. Unless you stop the dissonance it starts to spread into all of your thought processes. It has started already.

 

Another poster asked how you would feel if a child of yours had a spouse like you. You changed the question..to answer it. And highlighted your good qualities (we all have them), and said yes to the good qualities (of course). Then answered the cheating part separately. They are not separate. They are in the same package, that was the question.

 

And that is mental gymnastics.

 

I didn't realize I didn't answer the question? I'd feel horrible if one if my children were in a relationship they were being lied to in, I thought I said that.

[Got it]

Autumn, in the scheme of things it would seem to be a very cold and hollow comfort to use the continuing feelings of guilt as a gauge of your morality as your actions continued to run counterpoint to them.

 

What is the point of the guilt? I would suspect at some time the feelings of guilt become manufactured to continue to comfort you that "you aren't a totally bad person" because you have said feelings. If you aren't going to listen to the feelings, honestly, what point is it anyway?

 

I get the the push pull of it, I know that I have felt very badly about any pain that I caused his ex wife and kids but it runs counter to feelings about the relationship and obviously with my actions to continue said relationship. So it is my million dollar question on how exactly to I apologize for something that I am sorry for it causing pain but I am not sorry about the relationship in general? So the apology runs flat. I have apologized to the kids. But in the scheme of things what does it really mean?

 

So your guilt feelings don't mean anything if there aren't actions to back it up. You may never resolve the two but I caution you from giving them too much importance if you aren't going to actually do anything to line up the feelings and the actions.

[Owl]

Autumn, in the scheme of things it would seem to be a very cold and hollow comfort to use the continuing feelings of guilt as a gauge of your morality as your actions continued to run counterpoint to them.

 

What is the point of the guilt? I would suspect at some time the feelings of guilt become manufactured to continue to comfort you that "you aren't a totally bad person" because you have said feelings. If you aren't going to listen to the feelings, honestly, what point is it anyway?

 

I get the the push pull of it, I know that I have felt very badly about any pain that I caused his ex wife and kids but it runs counter to feelings about the relationship and obviously with my actions to continue said relationship. So it is my million dollar question on how exactly to I apologize for something that I am sorry for it causing pain but I am not sorry about the relationship in general? So the apology runs flat. I have apologized to the kids. But in the scheme of things what does it really mean?

 

So your guilt feelings don't mean anything if there aren't actions to back it up. You may never resolve the two but I caution you from giving them too much importance if you aren't going to actually do anything to line up the feelings and the actions.

 

I've got to agree with Got it here.

 

You feel guilty...but you're still not going to stop those actions.

 

A moral compass is USELESS if you ignore it.

 

Immoral vs. amoral is irrelevent if both mindsets continue to treat the rest of the world...and those that they love (like their spouse) the same way.

 

Your H certainly won't feel better because you felt bad about doing what you're doing when he finds out you continued on regardless.

[AutumnMoon]

I thought she was inferring that the MOM was having sex with others when he travelled for business. I don't think she cares much about her husband or who he is or isn't sleeping with.

 

I care a lot about my husband and I care if he's sleeping with other people when I think about the possible health risk, although I know he would not put me at risk and assume he would be careful. I think of sex differently. Him having sex with someone else wouldn't bother me to the extent finding out he had lied, or loved someone else would.

[ComingInHot]

Autumn moon, but isn't that what You're doing??

 

" differently. Him having sex with someone else wouldn't bother me to the extent finding out he had lied, or loved someone else would."

[AutumnMoon]

I think this poster is assuming her husband is unfaithful. In that manner she feels better about her own infidelity.

 

Not so much. Him having sex with others wouldn't make me feel better about my own affair because my affair isn't just about sex.

My husband having sex with others I could deal with, it's the lying or being in love with someone else that would hurt me.. And I'm in love with my OM.

 

I do think though that the fact I think he may have strayed a few times would affect his ability to forgive me should the affair be exposed. Only reason I brought it up that he may be unfaithful too.. Otherwise that knowledge doesn't weight on my mind a lot.. Things have happened over the last ten years and people have said things to make me aware of that possibility.

[AutumnMoon]

Autumn moon, but isn't that what You're doing??

 

" differently. Him having sex with someone else wouldn't bother me to the extent finding out he had lied, or loved someone else would."

 

Exactly, yes, I'm in love with my OM.. Trying to separate from the emotional side more lately, but yes, and that's when I started feeling guilty.. when I realized I was in love.

 

At first it was an insane sexual attraction me and OM had as well as a very very close friendship and it just grew and grew.. We both know that it can't last forever.

Edited October 22, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[KathyM]

Your feelings are probably involving both fear of getting caught and guilt in having/continuing the affair. I think it's good you have those feelings, and you shouldn't try to put them aside. They are caused by your actions being in conflict with your sense of morality. That's much preferable to having no empathy or caring about the harm your actions are causing. When you allow yourself to feel that fear and guilt, rather than trying to stifle it, it may bring you to a place of making positive changes and a place of honesty with yourself and others. Eventually, if you don't stifle those feelings, you will feel compelled to bring your actions in alignment with your sense of morality and sense of self.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm sure he "assumes" the same from the woman he married. If you think of sex differently, why not just be honest with him, have the conversation, give him the choice to stay in a marriage with you. It probably matters a great deal to him. I'm sorry, I don't get it.

 

I love my husband does not equate to lying and cheating behind his back. But, I feel it's all about your comfort, and needs.

 

He knows my sexual preferences and he knows that I would like an open marriage, all that has been discussed in the past. He was only willing to open his side and was curious about letting me be open with women but is highly homophobic so is very standoffish on that idea. Anyway, he know what I like. Has not much interest at all in any sexual experimentation I am interested in, but other than that things are fine with us.

 

It's basically don't ask don't tell.

 

He has reasons for thinking he's above my OM so he would find this specific situation very insulting at first probably.

 

Hard to explain my situation I guess. I've only really lied by omission. He's never asked me anything about what I do when he's gone and if he did I assume at the moment Id lie, but maybe not.. I would for sure bring up open marriage again if he brought it up.

[AutumnMoon]

How can you have sex or sleep with your H while you love another man? That must be very hard to do.

 

 

Or are you faithful to the OM and stopped having sex with your H?

 

I have sex with my husband when he's here, yes. Not that hard.. It was at the start. I see OM almost every day, my husband works and travels, I see him a few times a month.

[Got it]

He knows my sexual preferences and he knows that I would like an open marriage, all that has been discussed in the past. He was only willing to open his side and was curious about letting me be open with women but is highly homophobic so is very standoffish on that idea. Anyway, he know what I like. Has not much interest at all in any sexual experimentation I am interested in, but other than that things are fine with us.

 

It's basically don't ask don't tell.

 

He has reasons for thinking he's above my OM so he would find this specific situation very insulting at first probably.

 

Hard to explain my situation I guess. I've only really lied by omission. He's never asked me anything about what I do when he's gone and if he did I assume at the moment Id lie, but maybe not.. I would for sure bring up open marriage again if he brought it up.

 

AM - I think to "hedge the bets in your favor, finding evidence of him cheating and keeping that in your back pocket could counter any blow out on his end if a dday happens. You would also be able to specifically argue that you are both on the same page and go from there.

 

But at some point it comes down to how well you reconcile your actions with your believes and having the same levels as your spouse is reassuring to you. It comes down to who do you want to be? Do you think you would be content with this status for the foreseeable future, etc.

 

I know that for my MM/husband he found out his wife cheated though he found out years later. When he had his dday it was said and done and was told to move on. There was no real reconciliation, he said that he dealt with it on his own, said he didn't sleep for 3 months and just detached. At this point he was staying for the kids. So when he had his affair, while he knew it would impact her he didn't expect the level of emotion on her end. She has also destroyed any evidence of her affair and has gradually over time minimized it to now saying it never happened.

 

So obviously even if he is cheating he may not take that into consideration if he finds out you are cheating. It seems like he has some potential sexist beliefs between men and women so may feel he has more "rights" to outside sexual partners than you.

 

But regardless, my best advice is assume the affair is Russian Roulette, expect the chamber to not be empty at some point and proactively plan for a dday (in regards to decisions you are going to make). And then I strongly recommend you implement said decisions prior to a dday. With a dday you go from being able to be proactive to just reactive.

 

Figure out who is the person you want to be.

[Owl]

Autumn, all I can see is that you're going through some very interesting mental contortions to justify/rationalize your own infidelity.

 

Bottom line...you're cheating on your husband, both physically and emotionally, and plan to continue regardless of what your "moral compass" tells you.

 

Good luck. I personally won't have any more useful advice for you until your situation changes and you're dealing with the outcome of these decisions.

[AutumnMoon]

So OM gets to spend more time with you than your H. OK, I see why you like your lover. He fills in for your husband. What if your husband returns home unexpectedly?

 

For the most part when me and OM are together it's just friendly, because the affair side is completely secret and separate.. Lately it's been a little more often that we are alone, but even then it's never in my home anymore. It's usually when we are away doing an activity I don't want to get into too much detail about but we get chances to be alone that my husband and his wife have no issue at all with. We have good will power until those opportunities present themselves. My husband could look at my phone or email at any given time and show up unexpected all he wants. We keep the affair very separate.