possibly lost boyfriend over dirty secret :(

[SweetBee82]

I'm going through a really rough time right now about this and I feel like sharing this with ya'll.

 

Here's the story...

 

I've been dating this guy for a year now and I have to admit, I'm madly in love with him. Ok, not right away (and you'll know why) but when I did, I fell hard. He's by far the best thing that ever happened to me when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

 

Ok, so last week just before our 1-year anniversary, I told him a secret, something I wanted to tell him right away but couldn't. His reply to it stabbed me hard. He said, "you were WHAT? Gimme time to digest this." I was really depressed about it but I knew he was going to react like that. But hey, its a risk I'm willing to take.

 

So what is this secret? People say it's not a big deal, but in a way, it is. I told him that I was married before. I was very young when I got married (19) and didn't really know what love is. You see, my ex-hub give me an ultermatium: marry me or else! This all happened while my parents were heading for divorce and the 9/11 attacks, so at that time, I was on a very fragile state. I knew deep down I didn't want to do it but I had to. My ex was very possesive and wouldn't take no for an answer. To make matters worse, when he and I got married, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted the baby (who wouldn't) but my ex thought otherwise. He forced me to have an abortion and sadly went through it. (My current BF knew about that however... told him a few months in and all he did was hugged me.)

 

There were many times I wanted out of the marriage but my ex was very maniuplative and controlling, I couldn't get out. I mean, it wasn't much of marriage at all. We never lived together and when I ask why wouldn't he let me move in with him and his family, he said the house was too crowded. He also made me leave college and find a dead end job, which I hated. I hated myself, hated everything that was going on, and most of all, more and more I was beginning to really loathe him. When we first met, I cared about him, but forced myself to "love" him. But as soon as the abortion happened, I not only began to see him true colors, but completely lost all respect for him.

 

Finally, while I was on vacation in Europe (paid by my best friend, who needed someone to go with her while she studied a summer abroad), I came to the point in which I don't need him anymore. So I told him I wanted out. When I came back, I filed for an uncontested divorce and left him for good.

 

That was July 2003 when I left him. I didn't want a relationship... as a matter of fact, I lost all trust in men. I thought men are only made for hurting women, either using them for sex or just to push them around. Then in Decemeber of last year, I met Rob, my current boyfriend. I immediately liked him but couldn't fully expressed my feelings early on (a mistake I did with my ex-hub). I knew he was falling for me fast but just months into divorce, I wasn't really sure if I was ready to fall in love again. I needed to work on me first. So I decided to push him away a bit (in a romantic way) but kept him as a really good friend. During the next few months, I went back to college (doing better than I ever anticipated), lost 30 lbs., reestablished a relationship with my father, and left my dead end job for something more stable. The funniest thing about that whole time was that with all that pushing away, he still pursued me.

 

Then I finally decided to give him a chance and glad I did. He exceeded any expectations I had before meeting him. I'm happy I took that leap. But now my past was bothering me. I was an open book to him... telling all but my martial status. I couldn't tell him right away because it would've scared him off (esp. since I was barely 21). Then as we got serious, I asked my mother for advice but she told me to never to tell him because not only would it hurt him but that it wasn't a big deal, esp. since my ex and I never had kids (mom doesn't know to this day that I had an abortion... only 5 people know: me, my ex, my current boyfriend, the doctor who did it, and God).

 

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to tell him the truth now before he would even consider popping any question to me. I knew that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I wanted to wait another year or 2 before saying "I do" the right way. If I don't tell him now, then if it gets to that point, maybe someone else would tell him about my past.

 

It's been over a week now since he sent that little message on my email. I tried to contact him via email or phone after I felt he got some time but no reply. I know he's got a very busy job as an Army recruiter but it's killing me that he hasn't talked to me yet. Sometimes, I feel he's punishing me for keeping him in the dark about my "marriage". I'm just so confused and upset right now about this. Yeah it was a shock to him that I was married but I wish I knew where we stand now. My friends were thinking of theories of what might happen next, but even I don't believe that.

 

I don't know what to do now. I just want to reach out to him.

 

 

PS: Sorry it was very long LOL

[Merin]

While I don't think this was or is a "dirty little secret" I can also see why your BF would be upset that you hadn't told him.. IMO.. this is basic 411.

 

He told you he needed time to digest this revelation.. so give him time.

He knows you love him, he knows you want to stay with him.. now I'm sure he is wondering why you would keep this from him..

 

Give him time.

[reservoirdog1]

He was OK with knowing that you'd had an abortion, but is having problems dealing with the fact that you were married?

 

He's making a very big deal out of something that, while important during your past history, has nothing to do with him. You didn't even know him yet. So what if you were only 19? Lots of people get married when they're "young and stupid" (not you specifically... you know what I mean. I was 24, and young and stupid too). And it has nothing to do with his present or that of you two together.

 

Also, I don't think you owed it to him to tell him, right up front, that you'd been married before. And, realistically, why would you have thought to do so?

 

When you speak to him next, tell him that you're sorry that you didn't mention it a bit sooner. But then, say (as nicely as possible) that it's part of the past and has nothing to do with how you feel about him. If he still acts like a dick about it, tell him to call you when he gets over it. Then you move on with your life.

[SweetBee82]

Thanks you two for that. On the email, I did told him how sorry I was that I kept it from him. As a matter of fact, I kept telling him that I needed to tell him about "this" for almost 2 weeks and warned him that eventhough I wasn't proud of this, I still love him and had nothing to do with us now.

 

My friends were making assumptions what he could be thinking. Here's the possiblies!

 

1. He thinks it was all an act, and that I used him for sex. Obiviously not true. I actually waited a while (nearly two years) to be intimate with him. Plus, I wanted to make sure if he's someone I am willing to risk my feelings and my heart to.

 

2. He was ready to propose or really considering a serious commitment but now having second thoughts. This one was a surprise observation from my friend. We did mentioned kids and going on a cruise (he always wanted to go on a cruise, esp. for his honeymoon), as well as telling me he got me something while he was in DC. He forgot the gift but I thought it was something from the Captial/White House gift shop. LOL Now he's gonna think I'm really afraid of marriage, when I really am not. Ok, so I want to wait until I'm established (which will take me at least another year), but that doesn't mean I don't want to marry him because I really do want to, just not now at this very second.

 

3. He thinks that I'm a complete liar. He probably think I have more secrets to hide. Besides this, I've been nothing but an honest open book.

 

4. He's too busy with work. This can be true. He's a recruiter and they work longer hours. Sometimes, they have to go out of town for a whole week. I do trust him that he won't do anything stupid, however it drives me nuts when I don't hear from him.

 

5. He's punishing me for not telling him earlier, thus not speaking to me. I kept him in the dark about this, he's keeping in the dark about what he's thinking now. In other words, an eye for an eye.

 

6. He's now sees that I'm not as squeeky clean as he thought. Back to the open-book thingy, to him, I was this girl-next-door who rarely drinks and never smoked and is a complete mama's girl (even with the abortion). Now that he knows I was married before, he'll look at me differently.

 

7. His pride was hurt. This I can understand. He thought he's getting someone who was never married, that he was my first love. I did experience many firsts with my current boyfriend but he's always gonna think on the back of his mind that he's just "second fiddle" to my ex, which I don't want him to think that way.

 

8. He just never want to speak to me ever again. I hope this doesn't happen but I actually gave him a choice. He's got a chance to leave me if he wants to but if he doesn't, I promised not to hurt him that way ever again. But this silent treatment is a bit cowardish. It'll kill me that he'll leave me but I know what I did wrong and I guess he can't handle it.

 

I just want to know soon what he feels about me. We did promised each other that this upcoming New Years Eve, we're gonna go to Times Square (like last year) and stay until midnite!

[GirlDown]

my boyfriend was engaged before i met him. it made him slightly less unable to trust girls in general. i wasn't thrilled, but what could i do? they were engaged, he wanted to marry her-she broke his heart. this wasn't his choice, and if it was, they would have been married.

 

of course, he's happy now that he sees what she is really like. but for me, it might as well have been that he DID marry her (being not his decision to end it and he totally surprised when she broke it off).

 

i was a little uncomfortable with it, but i got over it. i still sometimes think about it, but not in a jealous way, just more of a "is he soured against marriage now" or "will he ever love me like he loved her"

 

now i know he loves me, we worked through my doubts (and his, as he is okay with the whole trsut thing now) and we both managed to deal with it.

 

give it some time. even if you have to be firm by saying "this has nothing to do with you, move on or end it here. if you think this relationship is worth it, then my past should have nothing to do with it since i didn't even know you existed at the time, and if i did, i may never have married that jerk"

 

it'll work out. you didn't do anything wrong, and if this guy can't deal with it, you'll find someone who does and who can accept you, "flaws" and all.

 

good luck, hun

[indigo_moon]

You did nothing wrong by not telling him this from the start.....your marriage/divorce is in your past .....I repeat, *YOUR* past. You had the right to tell or withhold that info as you saw fit....particularly when getting into a new relationship.

 

What you went through in the past has made you who you are today......and even though it was hellish, it obviously helped you to be a stronger woman.........that is wonderful...and surely not something to be used against you. There is nobody out there who doesn't have a "secret."

 

My only thought is that maybe he'd planned to propose to you at Christmas (or maybe sooner) and this info threw him for a loop because maybe he thinks you're not into marriage/would never want to marry again, given what you went through...and that's freaked him out because he doesn't know what to do now.

 

I do think it's highly rude and insensitive and thoughtless of him to be blowing you off like this. Surely he doesn't work 24 hrs a day and could give you a quick call or send an email to tell you that he's processed the info, loves you very much and he doesn't hold your past against you - and that he appreciates your honesty.

 

My God, it's not like you confessed to robbing a bank or killing someone..........tons of people marry young and for the wrong reasons............that's not a sin, it's part of growing up and learning.

 

Is it like him to go so many days without contacting you?

 

I think it's cruel that he's not contacting you..............surely he must know how upset and afraid you are, wondering why he's ignoring you and if your "secret" has changed his feelings for you. Shame on him.

[moimeme]

I don't agree. I fail to see why a person would go out with someone for that long and keep a previous marriage a secret. There could be a lot of implications, including financial ones, lingering from a past marriage and I think people in relationships need to reveal that sort of thing to each other much sooner than a year into it.

 

I agree that he's probably now wondering what other 'secrets' are lying beneath the surface. Relationships have to be built on trust and hiding something as significant as a marriage isn't conducive to trust. It's one thing to not talk about brief relationships, but I think people ought to tell each other about the long-term relationships they have had, particularly if they were live-in relationships.

[SweetBee82]

Is it like him to go so many days without contacting you?

 

To answer that question, yes. It's either because he had to go away for a week or a month because of his Army recruiting duties, or we had a major disagreement. Early on in the relationship, he and I would have a disagreement and then it went for days, sometimes weeks that we don't speak to each other. One incident happened about a month in and I was still confused about my feelings for him (still a little cautious because of my previous marriage). He invited me over to his apartment but I turned him down. Then he got really upset that whenever he tries calling me, the phone line is busy (I had dialup at the time). I told him that I just like being online a lot but he thought that I was playing him and looking for a quick hookup, which wasn't true at all. So it ended bad and we went almost 2 months not speaking to each other, mainly because my AOL got canceled.

 

Then I got AOL back, he was the first person to contact me, which surprised me because I thought he got over me. Our schools were only several blocks away and decided to meet each other after school, thus giving him another chance. Then on days that he isn't in school, he's works on his Army job. Then a day turned into a week, turned into another week. So I told him I'm not sure if he's taking this seriously because it seems like his job is more important. It wasn't that I was being needy (I wasn't), but that I just came back to college and though that was taking a lot of my time, I still managed some time for him. Then he replied online, "I guess you can't handle my job. You knew how busy my job makes me." We then didn't speak to each other for a couple of weeks.

 

Then came my birthday in May. That weekend was really bad. My ex-hub kept begging me to take him back (which I didn't). My mother began dating her former pastor's son, which bugged me at first. My brother got into my personal problems. I had a project to finish for school. So in all this, here he is, IMing me, telling me, "I love you.... marry me!" The first message shocked me because after all this pushing him away business and yet he still pursuing me. The other message I knew he was kidding around. So we talked and said our I'm sorrys but that didn't last long. I was on a bad mood and said something I quickly regreted. I told him that I think I don't have the same feelings for you now than 5 months ago. He got mad and we had a row, thus not speaking to each other for 2 weeks.

 

When we talked 2 weeks later, he kept telling me he was sorry for jumping the gun that early and I apoligized for being a "bitch" to him at that moment. So I asked what he really felt about me and he said he thinks he's in love with me. I mean, after all these months of pushing him away because of my past and yet he still accepts me, flaws and all. That's when I decided I'm going to stop thinking of him as my ex-hub and start thinking of him as someone who can possibly be "the one". Ever since that morning in early June, I started to really let my guard down, and have no regrets of taking this chance with him. I knew deep in my heart that I was falling in love with him but because my relationship with my ex-hub happened very quickly, I couldn't make the same mistake again. When I finally told I loved him, he cried... lemme rephrase that, we cried together. I may have said "I love you" to 3 different men in my life, but this is really the very first time that I truly meant it. The first time with my first boyfriend was puppy love. My ex-hub was because I felt obligated to love him back (I loved him but never was in love with him). This time, not only I love my boyfriend, but I was in love with him.

 

Then while he's away in Arkansas for a whole month back in October, I began to continplate whether or not to tell him about my previous marriage. I wanted to tell him earlier but was listening to my mother, who wanted to take this to my grave. But I know that keeping secrets as big as this can really eat you up, yet I couldn't bare hurting him. So I asked my friends... then my father... then my pastor... then of course God, and I knew what I had to do. So he came back from being away and was ready, but when he told me about wanting kids and thinking of taking me to meet his family, I didn't had the strength to tell him. When I finally told him online, I felt relieved yet scared of he would say. When I got that message, I litterly ran to the nearest bathroom and cried my eyes out. I knew I should give him time but now it's been almost 2 weeks, it's hurting me.

[aFighter]

Telling him online was a Huge no no. Something like this you should have plucked up the courage from somewhere and told him face to face. It would have earned you Blue Chip reputation points.

If it was me I'd be thinking "ok, so what else is she hiding? Can I expect anymore big surprises soon?" But that's just me.

It wouldn't be enough to make me run for the hills but it would put my "uh oh" alarm in the orange.

[SweetBee82]

Originally posted by aFighter

Telling him online was a Huge no no. Something like this you should have plucked up the courage from somewhere and told him face to face. It would have earned you Blue Chip reputation points.

If it was me I'd be thinking "ok, so what else is she hiding? Can I expect anymore big surprises soon?" But that's just me.

It wouldn't be enough to make me run for the hills but it would put my "uh oh" alarm in the orange.

 

Ok, so I did something wrong on telling him via email but you have to understand that we live almost an hour or so away and his job does not give him any free time. If it was up to me, I wanted to tell him in person but it was just impossible because of our circumstances.

 

And to make you more happy, aFighter, he still hasn't contact me, thus me just giving up any hope he wants anything to do with me.

 

To be honest, I'm about to just lose my mind over this. I hate this waiting and now it's really beginning to effect me. I try not to but now it really is.