A typical G.I.G.S. Breakup

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

I won’t lie to you and I will be straight up, I am still angry. Angrier more than I was the day she broke up with me. Why am I angry? Well, I will explain everything but do keep in mind this will be quite a read. I do admit I built up Wuss-Syndrome in a way.

 

I and my ex spent 6 years together, we met when she was 16 and I was 17. Most of the stories I’ve read involved a girl who was either virgin, or single, or had maybe one BF at most, and most have ended in their early 20s.

 

I was a popular kid in school, being in two sport teams, captain of both, charming and was able to talk to any girl. But one girl in particular got my interest. I will skip massive amount of details, but I will hit the most important qualities (well, negative really) of my ex. My ex, well, she wasn’t no virgin, in fact, she’s been around from 15 to 16. She made out with plenty of guys, had slept with several. She had drinking issues and she was emotionally damaged. While all my friends told me to just fool around with her and just dump her, I couldn’t. I saw something in her other than her beauty, that she was damaged and I wanted her to stop and see herself in better light. I found out all the things about her from her best friend that was very honest with me. In fact, she told me not to even bother with my ex because she will “Break your heart”.

 

I didn’t drink, I had a part time job since 16, I had time to study and I was in sports. I was a virgin, I haven’t even made out with a girl, but I had huge ego and confidence about myself, so I was never shy around girls. When I decided to get her MSN and chat with her, she had no interest in me because I was a “goody-goody” in her books, the guy who didn’t drink or smoke, nor who just went YOLO. I had no time for that. And the biggest turn off for her was that I was Muslim, while she is Atheist. Funny thing is that she even told me straight up “I will never date a Muslim in my entire life, they are like terrorists and overly religious”. I wasn’t what she thought, I was very open-minded. Not once I forced religion onto her, it was just never in my interest. Skipping some events, chasing her for 6 months, it worked out.

 

She finally fell for me, I was in Love after the first kiss we had. We probably made out for around 10 hours that night. It was fantastic. My HS was all about her, making her happy, seeing her, I could only think of her. My grades dropped, I lost interest in my teams, and my best friend had to take my place as the captain of both swimming and water polo teams. I started skipping school so I could spend time with her and have sex, I did everything with her. I was happy but blind. My Love for her was never healthy but I was happy.

 

Most of you experienced G.I.G.S. syndrome after several years but in my relationship it happened once for both of us:

• The first time it happened for her was 1 ½ years into relationship, there was a moment where she started ignoring me and lying to me for about a week. Except I could read her well, I could feel when she lied to me, I could sense when something was off even though she was a great liar. I found out that she started to drink with her friends and one day I insisted to see her after school, she begged me not to, so when I did, I found her drunk at her home trying to sleep it off. She was embarrassed and explained that she didn’t know if she wanted to be with friends or with me. So I broke up with her, 2 days after she came back to me realizing what great guy I was and we continued.

• My moment was 2 ½ years into relationship when I went to visit my cousins in Norway for 3 weeks. I just stopped thinking about my ex, all I did was get stoned with my cousins and go from place to place. I almost ended up cheating on my ex but I stopped myself from anything intimate and I just realized that it wasn’t worth it and it wouldn’t get me anywhere. So when I returned, my feelings towards my ex were stronger than ever.

 

4 years into relationships I sat down In my room and thought to myself if there is more out there. I looked at the fact that I haven’t slept with anyone else, I haven’t lived my life, I haven’t kissed anyone else, but I worked on those feelings and told myself “what is the point? Everything I want to experience I can do it with my partner, I can Love and have fun and party WITH my partner. Life doesn’t have it end and we don’t have to settle down, we can just do things together” and I also told myself “plus, they all look the same from behind”, laughed at it and never had those thoughts reignite in me again.

 

One question still remains, why am I angry?

To answer this question I have to describe our relationship in more depths and to do so I will have to divide it into several sections by showing my ex’s negative characteristics and how I tried to help her.

 

Self-esteem and insecurity:

 

My ex had horrible self-esteem issues, she could never say anything great about herself nor could she ever say that she could accomplish anything if she put her mind to it. In fact, in 6 years we’ve been together she could not stand in front of the mirror and say that she was beautiful or pretty. She was even afraid that I would just plainly dump her because she would always say I am far more attractive than her and I could have any girl I wanted but I picked her.

 

How I tried to help her:

 

In my hopeless attempts to boost her self-esteem I would say that she was “beautiful”, “pretty”, “sexy”, or anything that a normal human being in Love would to make his woman feel like she is the best thing in the world. I would write her Love letters every few weeks that would melt her heart and bring her to tears at times. I would send her cute flirty texts. I would buy her random flowers and gifts that show my affection to her.

She has never in 6 years written me a Love letter or anything equivalent because she could not express her feelings well, so I’ve learned to coop with it.

 

Cleanliness:

 

My ex was a ****ing dirty person which was an issue that we discussed and has not changed in 6 years. I’ve came to her room many times and sometimes I didn’t even wanted to be in there because it was full of cat hair, water bottles, water bottle caps, beer bottles, garbage overflowing, dishes on the keyboard, and layers of dust everywhere.

 

How I tried to help her:

 

I would help her clean up. Why? Because she was allergic to dust, excessive amount of cat hair, and just picking up her lazy ass (ironically she works at the vet clinic). I would even get her bed out of her room once or twice a year and polish her room with her. Realistically I would do 80% of the work.

 

Arguments:

This was another monster in our relationship. Whenever I would bring up any topic like her being dirty, she would just explode. She would yell and scream and say things like “well if you can’t Love me for being dirty, then I rather be with someone who will accept me for the way I am”. I mean com’on, that is just unreal. During our arguments I was very straight up and would point out the facts, while she would just ball, cry, yell, at times throw things at me, even hit me (which I found rather cute).

 

How I dealt with it:

 

I would suck up my pride and turn off my rational mind and go into wuss-mode, take all the blame onto me, give her a smooch, and comfort her. God I’m pathetic.

 

Poor judge of character:

 

My ex just could never make a friend who was not a complete retard, bad influence, a moron, or just a normal human being that would take a bullet for you. She never had many friends in HS and those she had were the ones who were just like her at that time, who fit into her YOLO mode group, just nobodies.

 

How I tried to help her:

 

I would try to open her eyes and explain things like “This guy has a girlfriend and he is full on hitting on you behind his girlfriend’s back”. Because of her self-esteem she would never assume anyone would hit on her. I would also introduce her to my friends who were down to earth, outgoing, and full of positive energy people, who accepted her and made her feel great about herself.

 

Sex life:

 

This is my favorite topic which alone could be divided into few sections. Our first year of sex life was great; we went at it like rabbits. She was willing to do spontaneous things, do it in the parks, random places, etc. But after the one year mark it just, dropped.

• Imagination

She had absolutely none. She would never try to spice things up, or bring any ideas up. I had to offer things like dress ups, role-playing, toys, etc.

• Lazy and selfish

She would never initiate. I mean, NEVER. That included blowjobs as well, she told me after two years that she only gave them because she thought it’s what you supposed to do. God forbid if you went out of her comfort positions or try anything actually exciting, she would just lose the vibe. Asking her to dress up was a huge problem too, it would require her effort! I had to implant the ideas that I wanted from her by giving her small messages through period of months to get somewhere. And if she did dress up, instead of making a sexy dance, or ANYTHING, she would just drop onto the bed and wait for me. I mean HOLY ****!

 

How I tried to help:

 

On many occasions I would sit down with her and discuss the topic. I would try to ask for her fantasies, her wants, what were her dislikes and likes, what were my likes and dislikes, and how she felt about sex itself. She would say she really enjoyed it and I made it fun. She showed signs of enjoyment like moaning which would escalate, spasms of pleasure, had her intense orgasms.

I would Google any relationship issues and try to relate to mine and try to fix them. Try to help her out in every aspect of it, try to improve our relationship.

 

At this point people are wondering “How did your relationship even last that long?”.

 

I guess we got comfortable. We would go out, have our beers, and discuss anything the world may offer. I would listen to her patiently and show interest in everything she said, but when I would discuss anything like my job she would just lose interest. Yet she would go on about her job for an hour at times and I would enjoy listening to her. I’d pick her up from work which would take 3 hours of my day even if I would see her for 5-30 minutes and then travel home. Yet she was too lazy to ever come over my place.

Plus I was a great Lover, I could sense her feelings, I knew her body and gave her the comfort in bed that she never had. I do agree, I was too nice.

Re-reading all of this, I realize that I really let her walk all over me. I really dropped low.

 

So what happened, why are you angry?

 

She dumped ME. I put so much effort into her, so much time and so much love, so much bull****, so much anger, just to be dumped and told “I love you but I don’t think I’m in LOVE with you”, and “I realize that this might be a mistake and I might have a great husband but I feel like there is something missing in life and if I don’t find it, I fear that I might just hate you with years”.

 

WHY I’M ANGRY?!

 

Because she is a nobody! I build this relationship, I worked my ass off to make her happy and make everyone around me happy while working, while trying to make myself a better person, just to get “we should be friends”. No! **** YOU!

 

So what did you do?

 

After one week of pleading for her to work things back with me, I went NC for another week. Then I flew back home, spent 4 weeks here so far. Cut all the contact with her last week and gave her a Skype call to tell her I need to delete everything that relates me to her in order to heal, that I can’t be friends with her and hopefully she understands. She did understand while sobbing over the call and still talking about how she’d like to see movie with me when I return.

 

So in summary:

 

She dumped me

She wants to be best friends

She even asked if we could be friend with benefits

I refused and deleted all of the contact with her

She tells my friends things like “He is so confusing, why does he have to fly back home and cut all the contact with me, what is he doing?”

Is she ****ed in the head?

So this is my story. I’m officially NC with her: No facebook / No skype / No phone / Deleted our best and mutual friend so she doesn’t have to decide between us/ No E-mails.

 

So what do you want?

 

I don’t want her back. I just want her to say sorry and realize how much of a stupid cunt she is. I know I’m the measuring stick for any relationship or guy she meets but I know none of them will put up with her ****. I don’t even care if she sleeps with others, she can do as she wishes. I work at a bar/club and I have a great number of friend and she literally only has two and one of them is our mutual friend. She didn’t plan ahead, there is no other guy involved, and she just wants to live it up. She is not studying, she wants to move out but she doesn’t realize what her budget will be (I’ve calculated it on paper and she is going about 20% over monthly), and she is living week by week. I was always the positive half of her, the half that kept her mind straight and I was the only person who she didn’t have to get blackout drunk to talk to.

 

I am not going to wait for her, no ****ing way! I am not going to live it up out of revenge, I will improve myself and build my foundation for the future while she wastes her money, parties, gets ****ed while blackout drunk, and then one day she’ll wake up and say “I’m a ****ing idiot, what have I done?”. But by that time, it will be far too late. I don’t need her, she NEEDS ME.

[Janni]

So I read your thread and it's leaving my with mixed feelings.

 

On one hand I feel like I am you gf and you are my x. Because this is exactly the way our relationship was. We got together when I turned 16 and he was 19 though. But I used to bitch about the smallest of things. Our sex life was horrible - I later found out it was due to my insecurities (I was a virgin when we started dating) and feeling like he was superior. Doesn't matter right now. But in general I feel like this is my relationship from my ex's point of view.

 

That is. Until he broke up with me the first time almost two years ago. That was a huge wake up call for me and I started learning about relationships, correcting my errors, learning to communicate and tell him how I felt and so on. After that break up we got back together (took some time before he wanted to) and now I was the one doing all the work.

 

Sorry, this is not about me. But I hope you get what I mean.

 

I am sorry you have been in this relationship and I understand how much it must hurt when you feel you have done everything right and done everything you could. But somehow I feel you are also hurt and questioning yourself - How could she leave if you truly did everything you could?

 

But look at it this way - What was the relationship worth when you were the only one truly in the relationship? And how amazing could it be to find someone as invested in the relationship as you?

 

You are an amazing guy for working so hard in your relationship. I admire you for that! Any girl is lucky to have you.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like the grass is greener for the both of you. Congrats for getting out of a relationship that you were so very much unhappy and unsatisfied with.

 

Don't expect anything from anyone. The relationship is over so now you have to let the past go and move on into a happier future.

 

If you put in all the work to make it work then hang your hat on that. You were willing to put in the effort, she wasn't willing to put in the same effort for you. Hopefully at some point you both will find someone who you both are willing to put into and receive the same effort to make the relationship work.

Edited October 21, 2013 by Philosoraptor

[headinthecloud]

You sound very level headed, I wish men twice your age were as balanced. you understand the fundamentals of a relationship - it takes effort on both sides for a healthy relationship and the choices we make are key to its success/demise.

 

From what you describe, it sounds like you wanted to change who she was - we all do this at some point in our lives. But don't hate her, she's only ever been herself. You two just are not compatible. And love is blind. It's obvious you're capable of great love so don't focus on what she wasn't because you deserve great love.

 

Someone who is similarly minded to you might be a better partner. Someone who doesn't need fixing but rather who compliments you. You will find her, no doubt, but chalk this up to a learning experience. Don't ever give up on who you are because you have a wonderful strength of character.

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

You sound very level headed, I wish men twice your age were as balanced. you understand the fundamentals of a relationship - it takes effort on both sides for a healthy relationship and the choices we make are key to its success/demise.

 

From what you describe, it sounds like you wanted to change who she was - we all do this at some point in our lives. But don't hate her, she's only ever been herself. You two just are not compatible. And love is blind. It's obvious you're capable of great love so don't focus on what she wasn't because you deserve great love.

 

Someone who is similarly minded to you might be a better partner. Someone who doesn't need fixing but rather who compliments you. You will find her, no doubt, but chalk this up to a learning experience. Don't ever give up on who you are because you have a wonderful strength of character.

 

I do an interesting thing when my head is full of thoughts. I write it all down. In one of my recent notes that I recorded on my phone I fully realized that I tried to change who she was, that I felt like I had a child for a girlfriend. She is a great girl in many ways but in many others she just didn't want to work on anything. She has never googled anything other than "Why is my boyfriend so horny?".

I wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, and I understand nobody is. I have never lift my hand onto her and I never raised my voice at her because I knew how fragile she was.

I Loved her or so I think I have all this time but the toughest part of this breakup was one of the things she said:

"I want to find someone Whiter, someone without religion, someone who can take me everywhere".

I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, If anything I worry that her choices will hurt her. I worry that when she makes too many mistakes she will run back to me. I worry that I might be too weak, even saying I won't take her back, I might allow her to return knowing that people just don't change now if they couldn't change after 6 years in a relationship.

[headinthecloud]

Be careful. It is not your responsibility to take care of her and forcing her to handle her own anxiety and problems does not make you a bad person. You have a good heart, focus all that "save the world" energy on a good charity and seek a partner who will support you and help you be the best person you can be.

 

If she comes to you for your help, only if she desolate, then give her the tools for her to cope with her situation - don't save her. Ultimately we are responsible for ourselves, but it is good to help people by showing/giving them coping tools.

 

We are responsible for our own happiness in a relationship.

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

I broke my NC today because I wanted to give me and her a proper Closure and this is what I wrote:

 

Hi (her name),

 

I am sorry for all the hurtful and stupid things I've sent you for the past few weeks, it was very immature of me.

The breakup was definitely something new and I acted out on feelings. I am thankful for our long relationship and I won't forget us.

We had our differences and it is best for us to take our new lives and make the best of it.

You were a great friend and I will keep only the best memories of you.

 

I wish you only the best

I wish you success

I wish you new memories

And

I wish you Love

 

With care,

 

(my name)

[xUnknown]

I must say, this is the EXACT same thing I've been going through/went through. My gf and I broke up after 2 years (a break 3 weeks ago then made the break official 10 days ago). It has been very difficult. I know exactly what you mean when you are the one putting in all the effort. My ex even had the audacity to tell me that she feels "I don't do enough of the little things"...when in fact I did SOO much more than any guy would ever have done. Lets just say she was the type of girl that would leave her purse in the car when we would go out to dinner, expecting me to pay - never offered, okay maybe once.

 

It sucks when you are the one that is dumped and you know you should have been the one to do it long ago. If it weren't for my love for her, I would have been out months ago when the sex started to drop to once ever 4-5 weeks. My gf just moved 3 hours away for her job while I'm stuck at my own place on house arrest. She essentially dumped me 1 week into it. I guess it was the fact that she always reassured me she would stick by me through this challenge. My ex said the same "I love you but not sure if Im in love with you" bull****, even said "You deserve someone who is willing to work through this and fix our communication problems, but right now, I'm not willing to". We had our communication issues but she never would tell me anything - was never open about how she felt - always passive aggressive. My emotions have been a rollercoaster since the break almost a month ago now.

 

"I just want her to say sorry and realize how much of a stupid cunt she is." <<THIS I treated her like the world...she she never appreciated it. I started seeing a therapist since the break and I must say it has been eyeopening. I still go through days of extreme sadness and depression; but I know that will fade. It just sucks that she had to do this now, after months of re-assurance, and she knows I can't go out, have a beer with my friends, or go meet new girls. She left me alone with my thoughts --that is such a heartless thing to do.

 

She said she hasnt been happy with herself (been putting on weight since we've been together) and moved to a new city with no friends. She too only had a few friends, most of which were mine that she became friends with because of us being together. She said we should both work on our own things and then see where we are at in 6 months (duration of my house arrest). I told her I can't do being friends. I've been NC ever since. I did write her parents a letter thanking me for everything. Not to shove it in her face, but that is the type of person I am. I pray she realizes what she has done sooner rather than later. My fear is by that time I won't want her back (and maybe it is that time already - therapist has helped me quite a bit realize that she isn't for me) .

Edited October 21, 2013 by xUnknown

[GirlOnTheBlock]

Well, I for one don't think you're all that mature and I don't understand why others in this thread compliment you for all the work you did. How could you say she's a nobody? Why did you go through all this for her? Just so you could say afterwards that you did everything you could, and that no one can blame you for giving up? It seems like she was a sort of project of yours, but the way you speak about it now, it doesn't feel like you had any hopes of it succeeding. I think you're better off without her AND she's better off without you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I broke my NC today because I wanted to give me and her a proper Closure and this is what I wrote:

 

Hi (her name),

 

I am sorry for all the hurtful and stupid things I've sent you for the past few weeks, it was very immature of me.

The breakup was definitely something new and I acted out on feelings. I am thankful for our long relationship and I won't forget us.

We had our differences and it is best for us to take our new lives and make the best of it.

You were a great friend and I will keep only the best memories of you.

 

I wish you only the best

I wish you success

I wish you new memories

And

I wish you Love

 

With care,

 

(my name)

 

Writing a closure letter really does nothing for you or her. Writing her ANY letter is not a good idea. Its only going to anger her more and keep this going.

 

She ended it and from what you say, thats what you wanted to so there really shouldnt be anything else to this. I get that youre angry and whatever and you tried to be the "better man" after lashing out at her our of hurt and thats whatever, but just be done and focus on moving forward.

[Assasda]

You were needy,

you tried to control her? what dont you get.

 

Its over

[Criticality]

I was a popular kid in school, being in two sport teams, captain of both, charming and was able to talk to any girl. But one girl in particular got my interest. I will skip massive amount of details, but I will hit the most important qualities (well, negative really) of my ex. My ex, well, she wasn’t no virgin, in fact, she’s been around from 15 to 16. She made out with plenty of guys, had slept with several. She had drinking issues and she was emotionally damaged. While all my friends told me to just fool around with her and just dump her, I couldn’t. I saw something in her other than her beauty, that she was damaged and I

 

 

My ex was a ****ing dirty person which was an issue that we discussed and has not changed in 6 years. I’ve came to her room many times and sometimes I didn’t even wanted to be in there because it was full of cat hair, water bottles, water bottle caps, beer bottles, garbage overflowing, dishes on the keyboard, and layers of dust everywhere.

 

Angry much bro?

 

Sounds like your ex dodged a bullet too... Too much stuff to go over in your post, except a few point that really stand out.

 

You're proud of the fact that you don't drink, criticize your ex for it, and then tell us how you spent two weeks "getting stoned in Norway".

 

You make a big deal out of how slutty she was, yet apparently she wasn't slutty enough in the bedroom for you. She was "boring" and didn't introduce dildos or costumes, which you as the perfect boyfriend wanted to include.

The fact that there's something slightly creepy about a teenager with the sexual appetite and taste of a guy in his thirties seem to escape you.

 

She gave you blowjobs, but with the wrong motivation. Dear oh dear, how did you ever survive in such an abusive relationship?

 

You enjoyed listening to her talking about her job, but she lost interest when you talked about yours. Surely it couldn't have anything to do with you being boring, nay, she must be bad listener! Yes, undoubtedly. Or maybe it was just because she couldn't wait to have sex with you, since you claim to be such a great lover!

(Though not great enough to light her fuse... Odd, eh?)

 

And finally there's the fact that you say she was a poor judge of character. She hung out with "nobodies", (which is a strange thing to say, for somebody who calls himself open minded, like you do?)... Forshame! Imagine the indignity if somebody saw the Captain Of The Water Polo Team in the company of someone of poor breeding?!?

 

Anyways. At least we can agree on two things. That you're angry, and that your girlfriend is a poor judge of character. After all, she chose to spend 6 years with you, right?

 

Fortunately, some therapy can help. Both for you anger issues, your whining, and your entirely unwarranted arrogance, hypocrisy and overblown ego.

 

You need it. Get some.

 

Good luck!

[Kizmet Fisher]

I have to agree with GirlOnTheBlock, sorry. It really does seem like you took her on as a project and that you spent so much time trying to mould her into what you wanted that you lost track of the fact that in a good relationship, you should actually like who the other person inherantly is. You seemed to really feel very superior when it came to her, which seems to be why it really got stuck in your craw that she rejected you.

 

None of it makes you a bad guy though, I've just always found it's best to realise what traps you tend to fall into when in a relationship, so you can avoid them in future. So you'll grow from this, and hopefully find someone you don't want to change.

[GirlOnTheBlock]

I have to agree with GirlOnTheBlock, sorry. It really does seem like you took her on as a project and that you spent so much time trying to mould her into what you wanted that you lost track of the fact that in a good relationship, you should actually like who the other person inherantly is. You seemed to really feel very superior when it came to her, which seems to be why it really got stuck in your craw that she rejected you.

 

None of it makes you a bad guy though, I've just always found it's best to realise what traps you tend to fall into when in a relationship, so you can avoid them in future. So you'll grow from this, and hopefully find someone you don't want to change.

 

This is a good nuance. TO will be able to learn from this if he wants, just has to get off his high horse.

[Kizmet Fisher]

This is a good nuance. TO will be able to learn from this if he wants, just has to get off his high horse.

 

Yes, definitely. Clearly the OP has a whole stable full of high horses to get off but I think it's a pretty good training exercise for him. After showing this much bitterness at getting ditched by someone he sees as vastly inferior, I doubt he'll be in a hurry to date another project and may actually go after someone compatible.