Update:

[Confusion_Reigns]

My husband and I are tlking divorce. We’ve been separated a couple of times in the past and if we separate again it’s going to be for good. Neither one of us is willing to do this limbo thing. He agreed to go to marriage counseling with me but we found out that our health insurance doesn’t cover this and he won’t go to individual counseling. It was amazing that he agreed to marriage counseling because historically he’s been dead set against it. Even laughing at me when I suggested it. I’ve come across info that one should never go to MC with an abuser as they will use the sessions to further the cycle. Idk, but it sounds logical and, in fact, like something he’d do….not intentionally, of course…anyway it’s a moot point. He will not go to IC.

 

I’ve really been trying to get myself healthy inside. There’s just a lot of STUFF that’s just sitting inside of me…festering, I guess…from long-long years of me ‘accepting’ the situation as it is….oh, sure I’ve put my foot down…I’m not a door mat….but when I do it creates world war three in the house and…meh, there comes a time when it’s just not worth it anymore…I guess that’s called ‘being beaten down’ by the situation. So, I want to be healthy inside of myself. I start down that path…and it leads me here…to ‘I don’t know if my marriage is worth saving’ … and it’s killing him. That hurts me, very deeply. Why is it that for me to get healthy I have to hurt him? So unfair. He could very well start getting himself healthy inside too…and maybe we could still walk thru this life together…maybe I need to give him more time…?....but I don’t want to. Isn’t that awful? I simply don’t want to spend more time with him as he is now. Sad,sad, sad.

 

So he’s been doing so much for me….but he’s always been this type of man. He’s a do-er. And a fix-er. (like many men I guess) however, it’s more than that…it’s not just ‘stuff’ he’s doing FOR me…he’s actually…well, idk how to say it…he’s trying to be nice to me….just nice. I wish I could explain in words what I’m understanding/feeling in my mind. He’s a ‘nice’ guy…everyone sees him as this wonderful NICE man…reality, he’s nice when others are looking,when it’s beneficial for him to be nice…he’s got very little filter when it comes to him saying what’s on his mind…so that *nice* seems fishy to me. Isn’t that sad? That I don’t trust him to be ‘nice’ to me without him having an angle on it?

 

This is the thing, tho…he can do all he wants to act like he is this or that…but the reality is that unless he actually DOES something concrete that will force himself to challenge his own inner demons…well, I just don’t see how any of this other stuff even really matters, not in the long run. In the long run he’s still the same guy, he’s still got the same issues, he still has the coping mechanisms he’s had all a long…so when push comes to shove he’s still going to act/react in the same ways he always has…unless he can learn a new way of coping with life stressors…

 

Some of the things we’ve talked about are his past abuse towards me and his affairs. It’s hard to talk about because even after all this time it still hurts…so badly…I *wish* I had a big magic eraser that could just whip all that ugliness away…and leave a clean slate for us to rebuild on…but that’s not going to happen. These are things that should have been discussed a long time ago. I mean we talked but we never really said anything…it’s just all so sad. I still love him. Even after everything I do still love him. I’m not a saint and I told him that, I accept that I could have been a better wife and friend to him…as he could have been a better friend and husband to me. I told him that “love was never the problem” with us…with him and I…and it’s just so damned sad.

 

This is where we’re at right now. He’s still trying to…well,idk…make things right for right now I guess….it’s hurtful to me to see him doing all this and knowing that it doesn’t matter to me…it’s hurtful for him to do all this…hoping and hoping…and I know it’s not going to make a difference to me. I’m done.

[Grumpybutfun]

CR:

Abuse and affairs were the two words that popped in your paragraphs. Time to go. Ongoing prolonging of a volatile and unstable situation isn't going to "fix" anything. If you have done all you can, and the behavior is only stable due to your threat of being unhappy and leaving, you cannot do anything else. There are three things I would always tell my loved ones to divorce about....abuse, infidelity and lies. Trust is paramount to any situation...once it is gone...you have nothing else because everything in a commitment is based on trust.

He made the decisions he made and now he must pay the consequences for them. You aren't hurting him by leaving, as he already hurt himself by cheating, telling lies, and abusing you. At some point even the most loyal person will start trying to preserve themselves against the onslaught of pain a situation like this causes.

Life isn't about surviving, it is about joy and peace, but only if you can let go of toxic people.

In support,

Grumps