Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hi all, Posting for my girlfriend who is having live-in boyfriend problems. I've given her advice until I turned blue in the face, so I figured that maybe you guys can help me and maybe she could get a few more opinions and what to do about her situation. So here's her story--- She's been dating this guy for over a year. They get along great for the most part. They are both in their 30's She moved in with him about 4 months ago and has been struggling with money because she only brings home about $1000 every two weeks. He on the other hand makes about 100K a year! She keeps telling me that he treats her like a room mate and here is why. First he is charging her $500 rent/month. She also buys groceries, cooks and cleans. When they go on "date night" (about twice a month) She says he always complains about how much money he spent that night and that she feels like he expects her to at least pay for a few rounds of drinks or if he pays for dinner she pays for movie tickets. She says he has no shame in asking "I will get dinner and you get movie tickets?" I asked her how much she spends for groceries a month and she said about $400 because she also buys, shampoo, toothpaste, detergent etc... On top of her rent, she has her own living expenses, like phone, storage, dentist, commute and she says that after all that she cant afford to buy her personal stuff. Or treat herself to a manicure once in while. She says she has spoken to him, but he won't budge. He also doesn't believe that she makes that much money. I think the question here for you guys is....do you think its fair for her to pay rent and groceries, etc and cook and clean and spend extra money on date night? Thanks in advance. 1
melodymatters Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Well, I am all for woman being strong and equal in Relationships, probably about half the time I made more money and therefore paid/pitched in more. But hell, when I was dating a neurosurgeon and had just started my children's theatre company he paid for nearly EVERYTHING. In this case, the guy sounds like a dick. I also had a BF like that once too, he was rolling in tech stock money but we split expenses down to the DIME and if I ever mentioned my one child from a former marriage for whom I received no child support, he called it " playing the kids card". Guess who's still a friend and who went on to become a psycho I needed a restraining order against ? People who are THAT cheap with their money will be cheap with their heart. The BF sounds like either A) a selfish azz or B) doesn't give a shyte and indeed DOES think of your friend as a room mate and no more. If you continue posting I, and I'm sure others will add more but so far : DUMP HIM ! 2
aussie sam Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I have been in relationships where I paid for most stuff, and others where the girl paid for more, and what it really came down to was who could afford it more. So I think the concept of him wanting to split costs is fine, but the context of which he is doing it is not. It's more of a character thing than a moral thing and his character sounds like a dick. 2
Keenly Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Oh my word, a woman was asked to pay a fair share when moving into a mans house ? How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad. All I'm hearing is " because he worked so hard to be able to make as much as he does , he is obligated to share , give, and spoil his girlfriend " 4
melodymatters Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 A romantic love relationship is not "Equal In All Parts". It's just not and anyone who tries to shine you on that way is either inexperienced in relationships, sucks at relationships or is an azzhat. My husband is 6'6, guess who takes out the garbage, fixes things and lifts the couches ? I have more degree's and am nearly a gourmet chef. Guess who cooks the meals and takes care of all finances and legal correspondence ? OH NO, NOT FAIR, WE SHOULD TAKE TURNS changing the brake pads and making sushi !?! In this case, money is being valued more than any other contribution which simply is not real life, let alone the foundation of a loving supportive relationship. Especially if "friend" is doing most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and necessity buying. I stand by my original post. 2
SerCay Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Oh my word, a woman was asked to pay a fair share when moving into a mans house ? How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad. All I'm hearing is " because he worked so hard to be able to make as much as he does , he is obligated to share , give, and spoil his girlfriend " This is a relationship...not a financial agreement...it's not about spoiling her, its about give and take. If she made more money and he couldnt afford, she should pay more, and the other way around as well. Its about what you invest, what each invests, and im not talking about money. Also, for what ive seen around me, when a guy is reluctant to see how his loved one is struggling, and not willing to be the one investing more financially or emotionally where she needs it, he probably is not thinking long term (yet) Once again, its not about the money, its about 2 people completing each other, and whether its emotional or financial, you invest what you can, to whatever is needed, and you do no look at your relationship as a business you started with a friend...If you do, you should look for a roommate instead of a girlfriend. This counts for both girls AND boys. And Ive been there...with my bf, so i can tell 3
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Well, I am all for woman being strong and equal in Relationships, probably about half the time I made more money and therefore paid/pitched in more. But hell, when I was dating a neurosurgeon and had just started my children's theatre company he paid for nearly EVERYTHING. In this case, the guy sounds like a dick. I also had a BF like that once too, he was rolling in tech stock money but we split expenses down to the DIME and if I ever mentioned my one child from a former marriage for whom I received no child support, he called it " playing the kids card". Guess who's still a friend and who went on to become a psycho I needed a restraining order against ? People who are THAT cheap with their money will be cheap with their heart. The BF sounds like either A) a selfish azz or B) doesn't give a shyte and indeed DOES think of your friend as a room mate and no more. If you continue posting I, and I'm sure others will add more but so far : DUMP HIM ! Hi and thank you! I completely agree! My friend has been dating this guy for almost 2 years! I kept telling her that he was USING her! I think that she needs to hear it from more people other than just me. She doesn't have family here in the states. She moved here to go to school and ended up staying. I agree that he is CHEAP!
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Oh my word, a woman was asked to pay a fair share when moving into a mans house ? How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad. All I'm hearing is " because he worked so hard to be able to make as much as he does , he is obligated to share , give, and spoil his girlfriend " Nope that is not the case. She makes very little money, but doesn't expect him to pay for everything. She says that she doesn't mind paying for rent but just thinks that groceries should be a shared expense. I agree with her on that.
theothersully Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 WTF???? This guy either doesn't care about her, or has major mental health issues surrounding money. Here's the best plan, to show him what a loser he is being... Have them stick with the rigorous accounting of every little thing like he likes to do. However, instead of splitting things like they do now, they should split based on income. According to your post, she makes about $25k. He makes $100k. So... For each and every little thing, he should pay 4x what she does. $500 expense? She pays $100, he pays $400. 3
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Well, I am all for woman being strong and equal in Relationships, probably about half the time I made more money and therefore paid/pitched in more. But hell, when I was dating a neurosurgeon and had just started my children's theatre company he paid for nearly EVERYTHING. In this case, the guy sounds like a dick. I also had a BF like that once too, he was rolling in tech stock money but we split expenses down to the DIME and if I ever mentioned my one child from a former marriage for whom I received no child support, he called it " playing the kids card". Guess who's still a friend and who went on to become a psycho I needed a restraining order against ? People who are THAT cheap with their money will be cheap with their heart. The BF sounds like either A) a selfish azz or B) doesn't give a shyte and indeed DOES think of your friend as a room mate and no more. If you continue posting I, and I'm sure others will add more but so far : DUMP HIM ! So true about him being cheap with his heart! She also has issues with this guy (who is in his late 30's by the way) She complains that he is a very selfish man. And sometimes feels like he will kick her out once he meets someone else that suits his fancy.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 WTF???? This guy either doesn't care about her, or has major mental health issues surrounding money. Here's the best plan, to show him what a loser he is being... Have them stick with the rigorous accounting of every little thing like he likes to do. However, instead of splitting things like they do now, they should split based on income. According to your post, she makes about $25k. He makes $100k. So... For each and every little thing, he should pay 4x what she does. $500 expense? She pays $100, he pays $400. I agree completely! I told her she needs to sit down and talk to him and come up with a different plan to divide expenses. I told her to say. "If you want to treat me like a room-mate with benefits then we should divide expenses based on who makes more" Then he should also cook for himself and clean up after himself as well.
Author Juventa2012 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 I don't know what her yearly is --but her take home pay is about $2000 a month. I think that is about 40K right?
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Oh my word, a woman was asked to pay a fair share when moving into a mans house ? How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad. All I'm hearing is " because he worked so hard to be able to make as much as he does , he is obligated to share , give, and spoil his girlfriend " Bingo! Yahtzee! Agreed 100%. Sorry ladies. You can't pick and choose equal rights. OP, he does not owe your girlfriend anything. Maybe she should have gone into a field that pays more if she was so worried about money (like he obviously did). Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of.
KatZee Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Bingo! Yahtzee! Agreed 100%. Sorry ladies. You can't pick and choose equal rights. OP, he does not owe your girlfriend anything. Maybe she should have gone into a field that pays more if she was so worried about money (like he obviously did). Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of. Yeeeeah, this was already addressed. It has nothing to do with picking and choosing "equal rights." It comes down to who earns more, and cost should be split accordingly. Someone already posted that if salaries were reversed, the woman would be picking up more of the finances than he. Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of??? But good for him for taking advantage of HER right? More fantastic posts by the forum women haters. :lmao: Did you even read the first post at all? This woman who makes SIGNIFICANTLY less money than he does, is responsible for a $400 a month supermarket bill? She buys ALL food, food that HE EATS, shampoo/toothpaste/detergent that HE USES, he can't even take her out to a proper meal and a movie without b.itching and moaning, and I'm assuming $500 in rent is split right down the middle. The guy brings in 6 figures and is taking this chick for a ride. Half his rent is taken care of, he pays no utility bills, no supermarket bills... further more, she cleans, cooks, probably washes his nasty a.ss underwear as well... and SHE'S taking advantage of him?!?! This guy is a cheap a.ss bastard. And seriously what's with his holier than thou "I don't believe you make that much money." What does he want? To see her pay stubs? F.uck this guy. 5
Keenly Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Yeeeeah, this was already addressed. It has nothing to do with picking and choosing "equal rights." It comes down to who earns more, and cost should be split accordingly. Someone already posted that if salaries were reversed, the woman would be picking up more of the finances than he. Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of??? But good for him for taking advantage of HER right? More fantastic posts by the forum women haters. :lmao: Did you even read the first post at all? This woman who makes SIGNIFICANTLY less money than he does, is responsible for a $400 a month supermarket bill? She buys ALL food, food that HE EATS, shampoo/toothpaste/detergent that HE USES, he can't even take her out to a proper meal and a movie without b.itching and moaning, and I'm assuming $500 in rent is split right down the middle. The guy brings in 6 figures and is taking this chick for a ride. Half his rent is taken care of, he pays no utility bills, no supermarket bills... further more, she cleans, cooks, probably washes his nasty a.ss underwear as well... and SHE'S taking advantage of him?!?! This guy is a cheap a.ss bastard. And seriously what's with his holier than thou "I don't believe you make that much money." What does he want? To see her pay stubs? F.uck this guy. You can Blame the man all you want but the girl needs to take some personal responsibility and accept the fact that no one is forcing her to be with this guy. By not leaving him or talking to him about it she is accepting this. You can bash the man all you want, but he is doing nothing wrong. Maybe he was taken advantage of in the past? We don't know. But fact of the matter is SHE is choosing to stay. Just because you don't agree with how he runs his house doesn't make him a bad guy. He is free to do whatever he pleases. He is not obligated to provide for this woman, nor would a woman be if the situation was reversed. ( arguing the opposite is always a successful approach / sarcasm) What I'm hearing is expectations. Do you women EXPECT to be taken care of ? Or is it just something that sounds nice? I'm hearing entitlement . 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Yeeeeah, this was already addressed. It has nothing to do with picking and choosing "equal rights." It comes down to who earns more, and cost should be split accordingly. Someone already posted that if salaries were reversed, the woman would be picking up more of the finances than he. Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of??? But good for him for taking advantage of HER right? More fantastic posts by the forum women haters. :lmao: Did you even read the first post at all? This woman who makes SIGNIFICANTLY less money than he does, is responsible for a $400 a month supermarket bill? She buys ALL food, food that HE EATS, shampoo/toothpaste/detergent that HE USES, he can't even take her out to a proper meal and a movie without b.itching and moaning, and I'm assuming $500 in rent is split right down the middle. The guy brings in 6 figures and is taking this chick for a ride. Half his rent is taken care of, he pays no utility bills, no supermarket bills... further more, she cleans, cooks, probably washes his nasty a.ss underwear as well... and SHE'S taking advantage of him?!?! This guy is a cheap a.ss bastard. And seriously what's with his holier than thou "I don't believe you make that much money." What does he want? To see her pay stubs? F.uck this guy. Well maybe she should move into a cheaper place then if she can't afford to live with him. How is he taking her for a ride? By demanding that she pay her portion of the bill? He's paying his part and she should pay her part. Fair is fair. Like I said, if she wanted to live a wealthier lifestyle, then she should make more money. She's an independent woman, after all. So she is more than capable of supporting herself.
Keenly Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Well maybe she should move into a cheaper place then if she can't afford to live with him. How is he taking her for a ride? By demanding that she pay her portion of the bill? He's paying his part and she should pay her part. Fair is fair. Like I said, if she wanted to live a wealthier lifestyle, then she should make more money. She's an independent woman, after all. So she is more than capable of supporting herself. I think the women that have spoken here see that he makes so much more than her, and because they are together she is entitled to it.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I think the women that have spoken here see that he makes so much more than her, and because they are together she is entitled to it. Haha yes I'm aware of how they see things.
man_in_the_box Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Personally I can understand where the girl is coming from. Me and my partner also decided on using the "input by income" rule when it comes to finance. We don't want the partner with the lower income live in relative poverty while sharing our lives. This also includes working hours (set at 40 hours per week) and if one of us works below that, they make up for it by investing it in household activities or anything else that benefits the both of us. Then again neither of us has any significant income (yet) as were both just finished or close to finishing our studies. But objectively I say the guy is free to do with his money what he wants. You can't force a person to be fair. If the girl isn't happy with that and he doesn't want to agree to another settlement then too bad. Find another boyfriend who does want to accept a fair deal. Relationships are based on the willingness of both partners to make it a better thing for both of them - not by who perceives what the 'right' way to do things is and subsequently enforce that. And certainly not what a bunch of strangers on the internet think is 'fair'. 3
aussie sam Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I think the women that have spoken here see that he makes so much more than her, and because they are together she is entitled to it. It's not just the women, and it's not necessarily what we are saying. What a lot of us are saying is that this guy just sounds like a **** boyfriend. He doesn't so much seem interested in trying to make things equal, as he does in making her suffer and potentially taking advantage of her (OP can we clarify if she is paying more in this relationship please?). It just sounds like he isn't a generous man with anything in his life (love, affection, time, emotional support etc) I must say that it comes as a surprise that you would say this Keenly, and yet on another page say: I just took a girl out to a nice restaurant yesterday. I had one beer, 8$ she had three 7$ beers and a calamari appetizer. I paid without giving it a second thought. Because it was a date, and I'm a man. I'm genuinely confused about where you stand on this type of thing?!?! 2
lollipopspot Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 This guy sounds like bad relationship material. Since he's in his late 30's, I kind of doubt this is going to change. It seems like it's just his withholding character. And if the genders were reversed and the female was acting like he is, I'd say the same thing about her. Your friend really should cut this guy loose before she loses her good years to this loser. It's not going to end well for her or probably anyone with this guy. 1
Els Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 How is that bad exactly. I fail to see how being treated as an equal means he is some how treating her bad. Splitting the rent down the middle with widely differing incomes, while only one person cooks, cleans, and buys groceries - is about as far from equal as protozoa are from evolved. That being said, I'm having a few problems with the OP's story. 'He doesn't believe that she makes that little'? What? So... she moved in with a guy who doesn't even believe what she says about her income? Doesn't really compute... 1
Els Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Agreed 100%. Sorry ladies. You can't pick and choose equal rights. For someone who has unabashedly admitted to having gender-based double standards of his own, you certainly ride a high horse. People can and do pick and choose equal rights, as you may have noticed with regards to your posts on how you feel it's okay for men to sleep around and not women.
Criticality Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Bingo! Yahtzee! Agreed 100%. Sorry ladies. You can't pick and choose equal rights. OP, he does not owe your girlfriend anything. Maybe she should have gone into a field that pays more if she was so worried about money (like he obviously did). Good for this guy for not being taken advantage of. WTF?!? Equal rights? That's exactly the problem. They're not financial equals, and he's not treating her fairly nor equitably. If he makes 80% of the household income, equal rights would be him paying 80% (Significantly more than half of everything, anyways) not him demanding that a person, his girlfriend nonetheless spends the majority of her income of stuff they do together and bills they pay together. And if it was the woman who was making six figures, and the boyfriend scraping by on 24K a year, I would say exactly the same thing. This is as*holery of the highest degree. It has nothing whatsoever to do with equal rights or feminism. 4
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